Don't we want the best for our partners?

It's been quite awhile since I have posted anything.  Lots of things happening with me personally, but also things that I've been thinking about coming up for my spouse as well.  Gosh, things have been so confusing at times.

For my spouse, it's coming up on a year of the "full time" status, so surgery is the next step.  I'm so excited for her that she will finally match the body she has always wanted.  There are a few hiccups around that area though.

Insurance only pays for a portion of surgery, so the remainder is our repsonsibility.  For her, she wants to keep the cost of the surgery, travel, and recovery expenses to a minimum.  I get angry about that.  I do not want her, for any reason, to skimp on any part of surgery.  I want her to have the best possible surgery available.  I want her to have a surgeon who understands what it feels like to have gone through this particular experience.

I understand that she wants to consider our financial situation, the impact of the surgery on what we would owe, etc, but I got very angry with her thinking about trying to keep things cheap because of me or us.  I don't think that is unreasonable.  She would not want me to get anything other than the best treatment if I had some ailment that was impeding my quaility of life, why should I want less for her?  I want to know that the surgery is the best possible service and follow-up care available.  I don't care the cost of it.  I want nothing but the best possible outcome for so many reasons.

What spouse would want anything but the best surgery for the person they are married to?  Why wouldn't I want her to have a surgeon who has experienced the exact surgery, but who also can perform it so wonderfully with great follow-up care?

I'm trying to be open-minded about all possible surgeons, but I have done a ton of research and want the very best for her.  If anyone has suggestions, recommendations, or experiences to share, I would love to hear feedback about where the best possible facility would be to have the surgery done.

On other notes...I have gone through some personal revalations, trials/tribulations, etc.  It's so hard to think about the past and what has been such an impact on your life.  Especially when it comes to sex. It took me a very long time to even say the words that I was a victim of "sexual abuse."  I have spoken about this before.  What tripped me up most recently is my counselor suggesting that I write  letter to "the guy" as myself at the age it happened.  I had written angry letters before as my adult self, but not as the vulnerable young person I was when it happened.

Curiously, I had a very strange reaction to attempting to put myself in the frame of mind when I was at the age I was back then.  I started panicking, got scared, got very dark within myself.  I couldn't write anything.  I drank a lot instead.  I numbed it.  I cried.  I got angry.  I didn't know what to do.  I got aa bit angry with the counselor for even suggesting what she  did, writing the letter.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be feeling right now, but it's terribly confusing.  Maybe I'm supposed to be dealing with the past, maybe I'm supposed to be contemplating the future, but either way, it feels so uncomfortable that I'm not sure what to do with these feelings.

How do you get over the past and move on???

My spouse wants me to deal with my past, I want her to deal realistically with her future.  How do we come to good compromises?

Can a Polyamorous Marriage Work?

I haven't posted in quite awhile, there has been a lot going on with self-discovery, thinking about my relationships, thinking about my wants and needs, and just evaluating where I'm at and where I want to be.  Part of that is returning to counseling, part of it is the medication, but I think most of it is the communication I've had with my spouse.  We have decided to become a Polyamorous couple now.  I never thought that was something we could actually consider, but sometimes events occur and are a catalyst for the inevitable. 

Going back to counseling has been a wonderful thing for me.  I thought I had been given the proper tools though books or insight (or perhaps just stubbornness) to figure things out myself without having to go to counseling again.  I was wrong.  I forgot what it was like to have someone who could listen objectively and ask seemingly simple, but very tough questions.  I think we forget sometimes to take a step back and ask the simple questions.  What do YOU want.  How does that make YOU feel.  Why do you think YOU reacted that way?  I had forgotten about myself.  I spoke about it in a previous post, but it came crashing down on me that I had forgotten about myself and my needs.  I was ignoring some pretty serious issues that were causing tension in my marriage and other relationships.

I had felt for a long time that I couldn't, or shouldn't, say anything that might upset my spouse because I thought it might set her back in her progress of finding her true self during her transition.  Maybe it was the right thing to do, maybe not.  What happened was that there were so many feelings bottled up inside me that we became more and more distant with each other.  We pretended things were okay, but we didn't really talk about it.  It began to build resentment and anger on both our parts that things were getting strained, but we continued not talking about it.  If we pretended things were okay, maybe they would become okay again, right?

We had discussed the idea of open marriage on a few occasions, which was uncomfortable for both of us.  I didn't want to need anything from anyone other than her.  She wanted to believe she could give me everything I need, even if I have historically been heterosexual.  The two ideas simply don't mesh.  I have physical needs as a woman. My spouse had started opening up and things in the bedroom were vastly better than before, but it still isn't the same as being with a man.  As much as I have enjoyed our intimacy since the legal name and gender change, I wanted to be lusted after and needed by someone for sexual fulfillment.  I wanted to be wanted.  A situation was presented to me that was the catalyst to a major change in our marriage.   I saw someone look at me with that look of lust.  I responded to the looks and it stirred things in me that I forgot existed.  

I didn't know how to talk to her about my feelings except to just mention that I was being flirted with by someone and that it was flattering.  I saw the look in her eyes that she understood what I meant, but we still didn't really discuss it in depth right away.  At some point, I started feeling the pull of that desire and the feelings I'd been pushing down about my sexual needs and those desires came out in a discussion one night.  We talked about it and she gave in to the idea that I should be able to fulfill something once in awhile on the side.  I was doubtful that it would work, but a little excited at the prospect.  After our discussion where she gave me a "pass" to fulfill something she could no longer give me, she got very quiet the next day.  We discussed it the day after and it got very intense, with discussions that our marriage may not work out after all.  

I was devastated by the thought of my spouse not being willing to "bend the rule" of a traditional marriage...and very angry.  During the transition, I had been forced to think about and accept that my spouse would be changing to the opposite gender, try and reconcile that I am not a lesbian (bi-curious would be a better description) but still love my spouse and I was willing to try working on those issues to make our marriage work.  I was angry that I had done so much thinking about what I could accept from my spouse's gender change, what I would need to sacrifice and what that meant for our marriage...but the first sign of me needing something that made her uncomfortable felt like a deal breaker.  I asked her, "What did you really expect?  I'm not a lesbian.  I like sex with men."  It was a bit volitile because I let things out I hadn't expressed in the year and a half to two years she has been going through the transition process.  

I felt I deserved a piece of my life back too.  I felt I deserved some understanding that something I need might be uncomfortable for her, just as her transition was uncomfortable for me.  It wasn't that I didn't support her, but I just wanted her to think for a moment how this must be making me feel.  Yes, I knew she was confused when we first got together.  She also knew my stance that I will probably always need sex with a man.  I had to consider, from the very beginning of serious talks about transition, every scenario she might go through with her hormonal changes, desires, need to befriend women, possible sexual attractions, my role in supporting her with family and friends, etc.  I was angry she hadn't even considered what my position might be in the situation up to that point, or that if she had, we had never discussed it seriously.  I felt forgotten completely, like everything since the decision to go forward with transition revolved around her.  It wasn't totally her fault, I didn't let my needs be known, but I still wanted her to recognize what I might be going through too.

I thought a lot about what my drive was for being with a man again.  For me, it was about being desired and recapturing a youth I never really had.  I grew up too fast.  I was beholden my whole life to other people, especially when it came to sex and relationships.  That was before I met the person I married.  When I met my spouse, I found someone who fulfilled me in every way a relationship should...except sexually.  I was ashamed of what I wanted and she wasn't as experienced or kinky as I was.  I think I subconsciously chose to be with my spouse because it validated my own shame about what I like in a sexual way.  I didn't want to want the things I did, but the desire was there.

It's very confusing when your first sexual experience is "abusive."  That phrase, "sexual abuse" is still extremely difficult for me to say.  I was willing, I liked it...so it wasn't abusive, right?  I was far too young and the other person was a much older married man who took advantage of a young girl just seeking some kind of connection. It happened over the course of a few weeks, so I became quite confused about the whole situation.  That experience  and subsequent experiences impacted me in a way that might actually help explain my current situation.  It isn't healthy, it is just a fact.  I have completely detached my sexuality from my emotions.  I conditioned myself not to care about sexual acts because the first, and many after that, resulted in a deep shame within myself.  I was capable of breaking my moral standards and I had been used by many men... then discarded.  I had to shut my emotions out of sexual activity out of a sense of protecting myself from further heartbreak and shame about what I'd done. 

I finally realized that the problems my spouse and I had in the bedroom were not just her fault.  We couldn't connect on the same levels.  I couldn't connect emotionally, she couldn't connect physically.  We both had things to learn about ourselves, each other and how we work together as a couple.  I am able to be open to emotionally connecting with other women without me being involved.  She has been able to accept my need to physically connect with a man from time to time.  Neither of those things mean that we feel less for each other.  

Eventualy, I did end up sharing a few experiences with someone else, and it did fufill something I felt I was missing.  I was able to express a part of myself I had been hiding and was ashamed of.  I was able to re-claim something within myself that had plagued me for years.  I didn't have to feel so vulnerable to my sexuality, I could be in control of it and enjoy it without the shame that had haunted me for most of my life.  I could admit that I am a sexual person, and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me.

The amazing thing is that I think this experience brought us closer together than ever.  It sounds weird, but it opened us both up to talking about things we never talked about before.  What we need, who we really are, where our life might be going.  Hard topics, but it was good for us to communicate in a loving and understanding way about what each of us was experiencing without anger or resentment.  I am excited to hear about her connections with others.  She isn't ready to hear about mine yet, but that's okay.  I have been honest about the few times I have indulged in what I have needed in a physical sense, but respect that she doesn't need to hear any details.  I think there is a part of her that feels more freedom that she can explore relationships with other people too without it being a threat to our marriage.  The key is the open communication.    

The whole situation and decision to become a Polyamorous couple was a very valuable lesson for us both.  My spouse was able to admit that there was a part of her that was angry or felt guilty that she couldn't provide everything I need.  I felt angry or guilty that I was not able to be the only person she was emotionally connected to.  I realized what I was really looking for with having a sexual connection with another person was to be desired by someone who wanted me to reciprocate.  Yes, I understand that there is a component of someone being trans* that inhibits their ability to allow someone to focus on their body, but that can leave a void in the relationship.  Human beings want to feel connection on some level.  Some of us need physical connections, some of us need emotional connections.  Neither is better or worse, more or less valuable to our well-being.  In my mind, to feel truly connected in either sense requires reciprocation.  

We are both very realistic people.  We don't know that a Polyamorous relationship can work forever.  It would be nice, but might not work in the long run.  We are both at a very good point within ourselves and with each other.  It's still a little awkward to discuss that we do have interests in other people, but in a way it's very freeing.  I'm hopeful that we can keep the core relationship of everyday living as it is, but be able to explore other sides of ourselves with other people at the same time.  If either of us found "that person" who fulfills all of our needs and desires and vice-versa, I think we would be happy for one another and we could part on good terms.  The realist in me says that it just isn't possible and being open to loving multiple people might be the best way to live a fulfilling life.  What a wonderful world it could be.

Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

Changing Perspective

So, it's been about a month since the last post.  At that point, I had a realization that I probably needed to do some serious work on me instead of focusing so much on what was going on with my spouse.  Since then, there have been ups, downs and a few sideways emotional changes with me.

I finally admitted some things to both myself and my spouse about how deep I was into the depression again.  It's so hard to see how bad it is when you're in it. It wasn't really until the things I was so focused on being upset or anxious about started getting better.  At that point, I didn't have something else to place the blame on except myself and my depression.

It's extremely hard to explain to people who have never experienced actual clinical-type depression.  Luckily, I found the TED Talks awhile back that helped me express to other people how I felt.  I posted a link to that in a previous blog.  I also had a friend who showed me another blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html which explained it very honestly and clearly.  That blog explained it with the sense of humor I really appreciate.  

It doesn't make logical sense why we (depressed people) feel what we do, that's what is so frustrating about it.  

One of the best things that I learned from both of those sources is that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  It's not exactly being sad, it's a slow regression of emotions really.  The inability to feel anything.  One of the lines from the TED Talks was, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality."  So true.  One definition of vitality is "capacity for survival or for the continuation of a meaningful or purposeful existence."  

I felt like nothing mattered, nothing good or bad meant anything to anyone.  It becomes a sick cycle and my conclusion was that the negative thoughts in my head are just a hinderance to everyone around me.  How could anyone really care about someone who thinks such things?  They couldn't, so everything in life is really just meaningless.

Yikes.  Even writing those thoughts down sucks.  I can't believe I got to a place like again that without realizing it.  

So, I expressed some of the thoughts that go through my head to my spouse who, of course, immediately became alarmed.  At first, I felt stupid for letting the thoughts out.  That's why I don't say anything, because it scares people.  I suppose I really did it on purpose though, even if it wasn't exaclty my intention to force help upon myself.  I guess I knew I needed to get help again.

I agreed to go back on the depression medication.  It felt like a failure of my brain or willpower to be able to just "beat it" with common sense and logic.  But that isn't how it works.  It's a malfunction in my brain's wiring.  I just have to accept that and know that it doesn't make me weak or stupid for not being able to just fix it on my own.  I also made an appointment to meet with a counselor again.  That feels stupid to me too because if I already know what my issues are, why can't I just deal with it on my own?  Counseling really does help though because sometimes you need an outside perspective from a person you aren't personally involved with so you can be really honest with and not fear what you say might hurt them in some way.

The medication experience this time was vastly different than the last few times I tried it.  I was taking the same exact medication, same doses, but reacted quite differently than ever before.  I experienced a panic attack the first day, felt like I didn't exist for a day or two (which is a side effect called de-personalization) and then just couldn't stop crying another day.  It felt like a huge mistake at first and didn't make sense.  Then I realized that since I'm no longer on birth control, my hormones aren't regulated like they were in the past.  It finally evened out for the most part, but I still am tired pretty much all the time and have trouble concentrating.  I think that is another side effect, but hopefully that will pass too.

What did happen though (after 5-6 days of weird side effects) was pretty incredible.  I felt like I woke up from some kind of coma I've been in for months.  I couldn't believe I let that go on for so long.  I had forgotten (or was unable) to feel happiness at all.  I could express happiness for others, but never actually felt it.  What the fuck???  

Something that was a bit of a sore spot with my spouse was her feeling like it was her fault.  It was absolutely not her fault.  Yes, she decided to transition.  Yes, it was the best thing for her and for our marriage.  Yes, it may have triggered something in me that causes me to go into depression, but that isn't her fault.  

Depression can be triggered by major life events, but doesn't mean that it is that person's fault.  It just means that the brain of a person suffering with depression isn't capable of handling emotion like other people, especially in circumstances which really alter your life.  Deaths of loved ones were the past triggers for me.  This was kind of like a death in a way.  Mourning the loss of my husband, which is even stranger when I still have a spouse who is SO much happier than ever before.  We're happier as a couple, but apparently my brain gets stuck in depression when I feel deep grief.  

So, back to after the initial side effects of the medication...

I am finally feeling better now and back to what I think is more of my true self.  I can feel silly again.  I can feel happy again.  I can face problems or issues without feeling like everything is SUCH a struggle.  Such small things felt like SO much work.  Now it doesn't seem like such a monumentous task to simply make plans and hang out with friends.  I don't feel like being alone all the time.  I can start caring about things again.  I'm not fully functional or "normal" yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm so thankful for all of those who have been so patient with me through this.  Feeling more aware now of what had been happening, I feel guilty for putting other people through that.  At the same time, I know I would do it for them had the situations been reversed, so I'm trying to just accept that relationships are just that...give and take.  Acceptance and forgiveness.  Being there for each other is what it's all about.  Addressing issues and accepting that people will still love you even if you act crazy, sad, irrational, angry, or whatever might make them uncomfortable is what makes relationships work.  Not just romantic relationships, but all relationships.  

I finally feel more hopeful about the future.  Maybe hopeful isn't even the right word...maybe it is vitality.  Maybe I do have meaning and purpose in this world.  Maybe my experiences will reach others and help them cope with their own issues.  

Maybe we all do deserve to feel happy and are meaningful in this world, no matter how fucked up we might feel in our own mind.

So....What Now?

I asked my spouse just before she received the official documentation designating her as female with her new name about how she would feel once she accomplished that goal.  I basically said, "So now what?"  By that, I meant what would she focus on once the goal was met.

I asked the question mainly out of curiosity.  I enjoy thinking about the human psyche.  What does any person do once they have obtained a goal they have been so focused on for so many years?  What I imagined in my head was that finally getting something which has been a lifelong goal would somehow feel strangely empty.  I'm not sure why exactly I think that.  I suppose I have never had such a strong longing to achieve something, so couldn't imagine what you do after that.

This is a strange point to be at with the transition.  There aren't any other really big milestones to reach besides the actual surgery now.  Surgery can't happen for quite awhile anyhow because of the guidelines about how long she needs to be living "full time" as a woman and saving up for the amount we would need to pay out of pocket for it.  Insurance covers a large portion, but it's not a cheap surgery.  So, now we wait. 

At the time I asked the "Now what?" quesiton, I thought I was simply asking about how she felt about it.  I realize now that I was asking myself the same question.  So much of the past year and a half of my life has been spent thinking about all the implications of how every part of the transition will affect each of us as individuals and how it will impact the relationship.  So much of the focus has been on her that sometimes I forget to think about myself.  More accurately, maybe I don't want to think about myself.

It's hard for me to think about the waiting period until surgery, but it's also more difficult to imagine afterward.  Once there is no other milestone to focus on, how do I set new goals?  How do we figure out new goals as a couple?  It's foreign to me to think about just living a day to day life without some kind of drama, something to worry about, something to be excited about, something to fear...something that keeps me moving forward.    

I have tried to do some small things for myself, like being more creative with my artwork in my spare time or write about my feelings, but I haven't really set any goals for myself or have been able to even think about life after the surgery.  I keep telling myself that I will start working on getting better at healthy coping skills, exercise, spend more time with friends and family, and stop focusing so much on my spouse.  It's really difficult not to focus on her because she is going through so much and having these wonderful realizations and milestones.  It feels really important that I support her during this period and not add my own frustrations, fears or needs into the mix.  Yes, I know that is classic co-dependent behavior...I'm working on it. 

Maybe that is the difference between people who suffer from depression/anxiety and people who don't.  Perhaps those of us who have the combination of depression and anxiety need a reason why we feel the (sometimes) ridiculous things we do.  Without a reason, that means we have to deal with the fact that it isn't necessarily our situation that is causing the feelings.  It's also possible that we choose difficult situations subconsciously to distract us from the chaos in our own minds.  That could be easier than admitting that the irrational thoughts and feelings could be an actual imbalance in the brain.  I'm not sure why it's so hard to admit the brain might simply be mis-wired. 

I have (literally just now) had the realization of what the uncomfortable part of where my spouse's transition is.  Now that she has reached her personal goal, I am going to have to start being accountable for my own feelings.  I can't place any focus or blame on my own feelings toward her.  She's quite happy.  I need to get on board with this "happy" thing or do something about my own issues.  Some of the focus within our marriage might be pointed in my direciton.  Well...shit...

I've said it before, but I do think I was meant to be with my spouse for a reason.  As much as people think I'm "strong" or "brave" or whatever for supporting my spouse, I have learned equally as much about myself by being a part of it.  I need her just as much, if not more, than she needs me for support.  We're lucky to have each other and I hope everyone can find the mutual understanding and love we have for one another.  No matter what happens in the future, I will always cherish everything I have learned from being with her.  Her courage inspires me and gives me hope that maybe I can figure out what my true bliss is too.