Thoughts and Updates

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything.  Time flies and we don't... 

So...my marriage is still going strong.  It's pretty much settled back into a regular marriage.  Day to day activities, routine, working and back to what feels like our "normal."  I think we are in some ways stronger than we've ever been because we communicate a lot more than we used to.  Overall, things between my spouse and I are pretty great right now. 

I usually tend to keep this blog purely about my own thoughts and feelings and try not to get political or speak for any transgendered person.  I can't exactly speak for them because I have no true understanding of how it feels to live that life.  I can empathize and sympathize, but that is the best I can do.  I will never understand the internal struggles.  I don't presume to know everything about being transgendered because my spouse is.  I do, however, have a far better education about it than most of the general public, so I'm going to rant a bit...

First of all, I want to say that I'm proud that the transgender (and all spectrums of gender identity and sexuality) issues are being spoken about.  It's important for people to realize that it isn't a fad, it isn't like people are just trying to "be cool" by becoming part of that community.  It is real.  It is a terribly difficult existence for a lot of people, especially before it was publicy discussed.  We should all be able to live authentically and as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, we should all be afforded that right.  

The issue of trans people being unable to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with is one that is particularly upsetting to me.  It feels to me a lot like stepping backwards to when it was legal in our country to have separate bathrooms, fountains or lunch counters for "colored" people.  It's bullshit.  The arguments are not valid ones.  

First, it seems the bathroom issue is mainly targeted at MTF trans people.  The argument I have heard is that people are afraid of letting their children go into a bathroom where someone who was technically born a biological man might be.  I honestly don't understand any of the arguments surrounding this issue.  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  Men's bathrooms do as well, and chances are that most trans men would choose to simply use a stall instead of a urinal.  Children aren't going to see any trans woman or men exposing private parts to them.  If people have a fear of that, they are so grossly uninformed about how trans people feel.  In my experience, they are extremely conscientious and are of just trying to fit in without being noticed and doing everything they can so they don't make others uncomfortable because of their differences.

I feel that what people are afraid of is pedophilia, not transgendered people.  Pedophilia is sick and wrong,  but it has nothing to do with this conversation.  It is terribly offensive to assume there is any correlation between trans peple and criminal acts, especially against children.  Pedophiles can be men or women, and they may target children of either the same sex or opposite sex.  You might as well just not even take your child into public if you are that afraid of your child perhaps crossing paths with a stranger who may or may not be a pedophile.  

As a cis-gendered woman, I honestly don't give a shit about who uses what bathrooms.  Ever.  I wouldn't care if a cis-gendered guy came in and used the women's room.  I've used plenty of men's rooms with no incidents...their lines are usually WAY shorter and when you have to go...you have to go.  Again, there are always bathroom stalls, even in men's rooms.  You always have privacy when you're going to the bathroom in a stall.  If someone is looking under or over the stall...yes, please notify authorities.  Otherwise, just LET PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM.  

I don't know that there is a lot I can do to help the cause, to make a difference with the LGBTQ community, but I sometimes feel like I should be more vocal in some way.  I influence people in my immediate circles and I have written this blog to attempt to give support to both trans people and the ones who love them.  I want people to know that love is love, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, or whatever else may separate us from the herd.  We're all unique and that's okay.  

The trans people I know, have spoken to, or have read about are quite courageous in my opinion.  They have, against all the fears society may have about them, chosen to live their authentic lives.  How many people can honestly say they are committed to being their authentic selves?  How many of us even know what that means?  It's not always easy to know exactly who you are and what your internal "truth" is.  To be brave enough to express yourself no matter the consequences of how society views you is an admirable thing.  

I am a much better person for having my spouse in my life.  I have learned what courage is.  I have learned more about what true love is.  I have a more complete understanding of humanity and that we are all just trying to navigate life in the best way we know how, so compassion and empathy are of the upmost importance.  We can all learn from each other if we only open up and listen.

What's in a Name Change?

There have been some really exciting things happening for my spouse and I in the past few months.  It all happened quite quickly, so I haven't had too much time for writing lately.  It's been a whirlwind of paperwork and research, but we are both very happy with what has resulted.

We went to another appointment with the hormone doctor.  That went extremely well.  I always like to go along to show my support and to listen to all the things the doctor is saying.  I know it's always a bit of an intense experience for my spouse just with all the anticipation of what is the next step, making sure all things are in place on the timeline for transition, etc.

I have to say I think my presence and honesty with the doctor has played a big role in how well he understands the true support that my spouse has.  I'm not only focusing on positive or negative...I'm just truthful.  I think expressing only one way or the other would just be deceptive.  He's a wonderful doctor and honestly wants to know how I'm doing with everything.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think the fact that we are both honest with him has had an impact.  I express that yes, I do have some frustrations but that overall this is the best thing that could ever happen for my spouse and has been a wonderful thing for our marriage in the respect that we are both much more open an honest about our feelings...which isn't easy.  Good, absolutely...but not easy.

At the end of the appointment, he asked if we had any other questions.  We mentioned that she wanted to do the official name change, so he asked if she wanted the letter of affirmation.  She said yes, but didn't understand exactly what he was about to give us.  My spouse checked just for spelling, but didn't really read the letter until we had gotten home.  I knew what it meant.  It said she has had appropriate treatment to transition to the female gender.  Only later did it really hit her what it actually said.

That was "the" letter.  "The" letter is important for many reasons.  It's important not only to surgeons who will eventually be performing the GRS (or SRS or whatever it's called now) but it also allows for some legal document changes right now.  So, as it sank in for her what it meant, I began my research.

Every state is different on how they handle name and gender changes, so not all of what we experienced will happen to all of you who want this change, but what I want to emphasize is that you need to do your research.  The clerks and other state employees aren't real familiar with the process, so the more documentation you have ready for them, the better.  From what my spouse said, most of the clerks (really all females in our case) were kind of excited for something different.

The name change itself was not too big a deal.  I mean, yes...a big deal for us, but wasn't much trouble.  The entire process does cost some money, a few hundred bucks all together with all the filing fees, but totally worth it in the end.

In our case, we were able to petition for a "confidential name change."  This has a few implications.  In our state, if you want to change your name, you usually need to publish that in a newspaper for a few weeks in case you are trying to get out of some type of debt, etc. but there is another confidential form you can petition for if you have just cause and you are not trying to ellude some finincial difficulty.  We debated this because we don't really care if anyone knows, but it would publish the name and address.  You never know what stranger might have a problem with who you are and want to commit some crime against you.  That really was our only reason for going that route.  The name change doesn't affect the gender on anything.  It's just the name.  That all went through without a hitch.

In our state, the gender marker on the birth certificate cannot change until after surgery.  Bummer.  Right away, we were a little disappointed because we thought it would impact the driver's license.  I did more research and found out how to approach the other documents and I found out how we could get around that.

Social Security (which is Federal, not state) passed a law in something like 2003 that all you need to do in order to change the gender on your social security card is a letter of affirmation from a medical doctor.  Aha!  We had that!!!  Then came the driver's license.  In our state (and I'm assuming most others) the way they check the identity of someone during a name change at the DMV is if their social security number, name and gender all match.  They use the Social Security records.  So, as long as we changed the social security record first, then the DMV record, it all went through.  What a relief!

Both Social Security and the DMV went through with no problem except perhaps a bit more waiting time than the normal customer.  They just had to verify the documents and laws we presented to them. (I recommend highlighting the areas they need to focus on)

The biggest thing that has been such a worry for my spouse is having to explain the difference between what someone is seeing and the identification presented.  Sure, the birth certificate won't change until after surgery, but who cares?  Who really looks at that anyway?

I just thought I'd share the process we went through in case anyone else was having thoughts and concerns about how to approach it.  My advice is to look up the laws first yourself, print out what you find and highlight anything of importance for the clerks who have to decipher it.  Check with your state Vital Records office on their particular requirements for birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.

Long story short, my spouse now officially has a social security card and driver's license which indicates her new name as well as the appropriate gender.  We could not be more excited!

A New Year, A New Attitude....Self Love and Self Care

Wow, another year gone.  This has been a tough year.  It hasn't been all bad, actually has been quite wonderful overall, just a lot of work.  It's been a lot of work not only for me, but everyone else around me.  We're all trying to learn better ways to relate to each other, become more accepting and to do some deep self-reflection.  The struggles haven't all been about the transition with my spouse, there have been a lot of other issues in my life and the lives of everyone around me.  Friends, family, co-workers...just a year of crazy amounts of change.  I'm trying to recap / sum up some of the most important things I've learned or started to recognize this past year.

First of all, I am so incredibly proud of my spouse for the strides she has made in following her path to becoming who she was meant to be.  She's got an incredible amount of courage to open herself up to the world.  Every day I feel like she's stronger as herself, happier, and more comfortable in the world.  She is beginning to accept herself and gain the confidence that makes her shine even more than she did before.  Most anyone I know has always had a tremendous love and respect for my spouse, but now they express how much better it is when they see the absolute joy in her now that she can be herself more fully.  I feel like we are so much closer now than we have ever been.  We've been able to help each other in our individual journeys, but also our journey as a couple.  

I am personally trying to focus on the lessons I've learned not just from the trials of life, but from the joys too.  I'm beginning to accept that there are people who are right in front me who are willing help me through difficult times.  I've written a lot about it in previous blogs, that trust has always been a huge issue for me. It's scary to trust people.  I've been hurt or let down by a number of people who were supposed to protect me or love me.  I formed my walls and became cynical over the years.  The thing about walls is that what you show to others isn't necessarily reflective of what you really feel, so people get confused about reactions or behaviors.

I have seen how much my lack of trust has hindered me in my life.  Sure, I may have some valid reasons for mistrusting people, but without giving anyone an opportunity to win my trust, it just puts me in a very lonely situation.  How does a person begin to trust again after seeing how shitty some people can be?  Baby steps.  Be vulnerable.  Open up.  I often deflect offers of help, support, or encouragement with my sarcasm, self-deprication or doubt.  That may just be a means to push people away because of my own insecurity.  It may be perceived as a dismission of their love or efforts.  I hate the thought of hurting peoples' feelings, but that might be exactly what I'm doing through my actions.

I am trying to be less reactive to what I view as criticism and try to be a better listener.  It can be difficult to actually sit and listen without starting to form your response in your head before the other person even finishes their thought or comment.  At that point, you have already stopped listening if you're just thinking about what you're going to say next.

What's the worst that would happen if I open up or become vulnerable? People might mock me, they might think I'm crazy, they might think I'm weak, they might talk badly about me to others.  So what?  Those people and situations do exist and it is just a reality I may have to deal with.  If I am secure with myself and my beliefs or actions, I don't (well shouldn't) need validation from anyone else.  If they disagree or are uncomfortable with my views, that is their problem...not mine.  That's not to say I have to be argumentative or angry with them, just agree to disagree, even if they are angry or upset.  Their feelings are their responsibility.  On the flip side, if I become more open, there is actually opportunity for genuine connection with others, happiness, love and knowing that people can still surprise me with their kindness.   I have had a tremendous amount of support from friend, family, and from people I only know through connecting through the internet, blogs, Facebook groups, etc. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me. :)

I've made progress, I've regressed, then made progress again.  The same probably goes for my spouse and my friends and family.  I think that's something I think we all could benefit from being aware of...we may have setbacks.  We may revert to what is comfortable sometimes even if it may not be the best or most healthy choice.  The most important thing I've realized during my setbacks is to try and recognize the root of my choices or behaviors, to forgive myself for not being perfect in moving forward, and to acknowledge (and apologize if necessary) not only to myself, but to the other people it might affect when it happens.  I also feel it may be necessary sometimes that I tell people when I understand that I have taken a step backward.  The first step is admitting when you have a problem, right?  

My belief has always been that the most devastating things in life have taught me the most about how to be strong, strive for more and become a better person.  In this past year, I've seen how much the positive things in life and connections with people teach me just as much.  I need to stop the negative approach and appreciate the happy times while in the moment.  The past is gone, the future doesn't exist...all we have is right now.  I am going to try and enjoy life while I can.  None of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth, so we shouldn't put off following our bliss.  

I am grateful for every single part of the past year.  It hasn't been easy, but I feel like I'm waking up from a deep slumber I've been in for most of my life.  I'm beginning to let go of old ideas, opening up to new ones and look forward to whatever this new year will bring. I am going to try my best to stay focused on moving forward and accepting life as it comes.  Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, every day is an opportunity to create a better and more fulfilling life for ourselves.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!  

Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

To My Father

For the past few days I have felt some kind of overall sadness that I couldn't put my finger on.  It didn't have anything to do with the changes in my life, work, financial stresses or anything else.  I have just felt...heaviness in my heart and couldn't explain it.

This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die.  It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life.  Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.

I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me.  While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different.  I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.

My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what.  Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay."  I always believed him.  He was right.  There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand.  He calmed me when I needed it the most.  He was calming, but he also had a fun side.

My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life.  When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried.  You couldn't help but laugh too.  He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well.  People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few.  That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.

My dad was a goof-ball.  He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy.  He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly.  One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side.  Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth.  Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)

He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town.  The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.

My dad loved music.  I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music.  He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music.  He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies.  In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band.  He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me.  I still don't know how he did that.

I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:

The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.

It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks 
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.

Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.

One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.

Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters.  Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay.  I miss you and I love you.  I will carry you with me in my heart forever.

Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits.  I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.

Letting more people in

The past few weeks have been emotionally draining, but also wonderful.  Coming out to my spouse's family that my husband is transgendered was good, bad, but also has lead to other things to move the transition forward.

Most of the family was amazingly supportive and I feel such a tremendous relief that no matter what happens with our marriage, she will have family to be there.  I guess there was a part of me that felt a bit of a burden that I was the only one who really knew and could be there for my spouse in the emotions of this secret.  I am so grateful for the genuine outpouring of love and feel like this is going to create a really strong bond among all of us.

The negative reactions weren't real surprising.  Her mother of course, is quite confused and isn't handling it very well.  I didn't expect her to be supportive but frankly, don't really care if she's upset.  She has never been emotionally supportive of any of her children and maybe it is a good thing that she has to face what kind of person she has been.  It's the same thing with one of the sisters.  She too has not been emotionally supportive of anyone but herself and she might have to take a look in the mirror.

Today is another day of telling some people who are really important in our lives.  As nervous as I am about telling the people who are really close friends of "his", I am also relieved.  We won't have to pretend anymore.  I am sad for them that they are going to have to face losing one of the people who have been really important in their lives, but hopeful that they might be able to accept the change.

We still have to tell most of my family.  It's not that I haven't been ready to do that, but the timing hasn't worked out quite yet.  Each one of these talks is incredibly emotional, whether it's positive or negative.  It's exposing your emotions to others and that has been draining for both of us.  It's also a lot of work because people do want to continue to talk and we haven't been this social in a very long time.

We have made some important steps and she has been so brave.  I'm so proud of her that she is becoming the person she has always felt on the inside.  We went to a wig shop together, we went out on the town together and she even went to the last therapy session en femme.  I am amazed at the amount of courage she has and am so proud to be married to someone with that kind of inner strength.  I'm actually finding the strength within myself too.  I have found that to be strong, you also need to be vulnerable.  Being closed off and putting up emotional barriers isn't the kind of strength I thought it was.

I had an epiphany last night.  The feminine side of this person is the one I actually fell in love with in the first place.  When we first met, the personality was more like the one I am seeing right now.  It didn't really occur to me that over time things had changed with the personality until I started seeing it again.  I could never really put my finger on what was changing, but now I see that it was just a gradual withdrawal from each other.  I'm so happy that we have started going back to what we were in the beginning of our relationship.  Like the Wizard of Oz said...the answer was in front of us all along.