People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Don't we want the best for our partners?

It's been quite awhile since I have posted anything.  Lots of things happening with me personally, but also things that I've been thinking about coming up for my spouse as well.  Gosh, things have been so confusing at times.

For my spouse, it's coming up on a year of the "full time" status, so surgery is the next step.  I'm so excited for her that she will finally match the body she has always wanted.  There are a few hiccups around that area though.

Insurance only pays for a portion of surgery, so the remainder is our repsonsibility.  For her, she wants to keep the cost of the surgery, travel, and recovery expenses to a minimum.  I get angry about that.  I do not want her, for any reason, to skimp on any part of surgery.  I want her to have the best possible surgery available.  I want her to have a surgeon who understands what it feels like to have gone through this particular experience.

I understand that she wants to consider our financial situation, the impact of the surgery on what we would owe, etc, but I got very angry with her thinking about trying to keep things cheap because of me or us.  I don't think that is unreasonable.  She would not want me to get anything other than the best treatment if I had some ailment that was impeding my quaility of life, why should I want less for her?  I want to know that the surgery is the best possible service and follow-up care available.  I don't care the cost of it.  I want nothing but the best possible outcome for so many reasons.

What spouse would want anything but the best surgery for the person they are married to?  Why wouldn't I want her to have a surgeon who has experienced the exact surgery, but who also can perform it so wonderfully with great follow-up care?

I'm trying to be open-minded about all possible surgeons, but I have done a ton of research and want the very best for her.  If anyone has suggestions, recommendations, or experiences to share, I would love to hear feedback about where the best possible facility would be to have the surgery done.

On other notes...I have gone through some personal revalations, trials/tribulations, etc.  It's so hard to think about the past and what has been such an impact on your life.  Especially when it comes to sex. It took me a very long time to even say the words that I was a victim of "sexual abuse."  I have spoken about this before.  What tripped me up most recently is my counselor suggesting that I write  letter to "the guy" as myself at the age it happened.  I had written angry letters before as my adult self, but not as the vulnerable young person I was when it happened.

Curiously, I had a very strange reaction to attempting to put myself in the frame of mind when I was at the age I was back then.  I started panicking, got scared, got very dark within myself.  I couldn't write anything.  I drank a lot instead.  I numbed it.  I cried.  I got angry.  I didn't know what to do.  I got aa bit angry with the counselor for even suggesting what she  did, writing the letter.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be feeling right now, but it's terribly confusing.  Maybe I'm supposed to be dealing with the past, maybe I'm supposed to be contemplating the future, but either way, it feels so uncomfortable that I'm not sure what to do with these feelings.

How do you get over the past and move on???

My spouse wants me to deal with my past, I want her to deal realistically with her future.  How do we come to good compromises?

Can a Polyamorous Marriage Work?

I haven't posted in quite awhile, there has been a lot going on with self-discovery, thinking about my relationships, thinking about my wants and needs, and just evaluating where I'm at and where I want to be.  Part of that is returning to counseling, part of it is the medication, but I think most of it is the communication I've had with my spouse.  We have decided to become a Polyamorous couple now.  I never thought that was something we could actually consider, but sometimes events occur and are a catalyst for the inevitable. 

Going back to counseling has been a wonderful thing for me.  I thought I had been given the proper tools though books or insight (or perhaps just stubbornness) to figure things out myself without having to go to counseling again.  I was wrong.  I forgot what it was like to have someone who could listen objectively and ask seemingly simple, but very tough questions.  I think we forget sometimes to take a step back and ask the simple questions.  What do YOU want.  How does that make YOU feel.  Why do you think YOU reacted that way?  I had forgotten about myself.  I spoke about it in a previous post, but it came crashing down on me that I had forgotten about myself and my needs.  I was ignoring some pretty serious issues that were causing tension in my marriage and other relationships.

I had felt for a long time that I couldn't, or shouldn't, say anything that might upset my spouse because I thought it might set her back in her progress of finding her true self during her transition.  Maybe it was the right thing to do, maybe not.  What happened was that there were so many feelings bottled up inside me that we became more and more distant with each other.  We pretended things were okay, but we didn't really talk about it.  It began to build resentment and anger on both our parts that things were getting strained, but we continued not talking about it.  If we pretended things were okay, maybe they would become okay again, right?

We had discussed the idea of open marriage on a few occasions, which was uncomfortable for both of us.  I didn't want to need anything from anyone other than her.  She wanted to believe she could give me everything I need, even if I have historically been heterosexual.  The two ideas simply don't mesh.  I have physical needs as a woman. My spouse had started opening up and things in the bedroom were vastly better than before, but it still isn't the same as being with a man.  As much as I have enjoyed our intimacy since the legal name and gender change, I wanted to be lusted after and needed by someone for sexual fulfillment.  I wanted to be wanted.  A situation was presented to me that was the catalyst to a major change in our marriage.   I saw someone look at me with that look of lust.  I responded to the looks and it stirred things in me that I forgot existed.  

I didn't know how to talk to her about my feelings except to just mention that I was being flirted with by someone and that it was flattering.  I saw the look in her eyes that she understood what I meant, but we still didn't really discuss it in depth right away.  At some point, I started feeling the pull of that desire and the feelings I'd been pushing down about my sexual needs and those desires came out in a discussion one night.  We talked about it and she gave in to the idea that I should be able to fulfill something once in awhile on the side.  I was doubtful that it would work, but a little excited at the prospect.  After our discussion where she gave me a "pass" to fulfill something she could no longer give me, she got very quiet the next day.  We discussed it the day after and it got very intense, with discussions that our marriage may not work out after all.  

I was devastated by the thought of my spouse not being willing to "bend the rule" of a traditional marriage...and very angry.  During the transition, I had been forced to think about and accept that my spouse would be changing to the opposite gender, try and reconcile that I am not a lesbian (bi-curious would be a better description) but still love my spouse and I was willing to try working on those issues to make our marriage work.  I was angry that I had done so much thinking about what I could accept from my spouse's gender change, what I would need to sacrifice and what that meant for our marriage...but the first sign of me needing something that made her uncomfortable felt like a deal breaker.  I asked her, "What did you really expect?  I'm not a lesbian.  I like sex with men."  It was a bit volitile because I let things out I hadn't expressed in the year and a half to two years she has been going through the transition process.  

I felt I deserved a piece of my life back too.  I felt I deserved some understanding that something I need might be uncomfortable for her, just as her transition was uncomfortable for me.  It wasn't that I didn't support her, but I just wanted her to think for a moment how this must be making me feel.  Yes, I knew she was confused when we first got together.  She also knew my stance that I will probably always need sex with a man.  I had to consider, from the very beginning of serious talks about transition, every scenario she might go through with her hormonal changes, desires, need to befriend women, possible sexual attractions, my role in supporting her with family and friends, etc.  I was angry she hadn't even considered what my position might be in the situation up to that point, or that if she had, we had never discussed it seriously.  I felt forgotten completely, like everything since the decision to go forward with transition revolved around her.  It wasn't totally her fault, I didn't let my needs be known, but I still wanted her to recognize what I might be going through too.

I thought a lot about what my drive was for being with a man again.  For me, it was about being desired and recapturing a youth I never really had.  I grew up too fast.  I was beholden my whole life to other people, especially when it came to sex and relationships.  That was before I met the person I married.  When I met my spouse, I found someone who fulfilled me in every way a relationship should...except sexually.  I was ashamed of what I wanted and she wasn't as experienced or kinky as I was.  I think I subconsciously chose to be with my spouse because it validated my own shame about what I like in a sexual way.  I didn't want to want the things I did, but the desire was there.

It's very confusing when your first sexual experience is "abusive."  That phrase, "sexual abuse" is still extremely difficult for me to say.  I was willing, I liked it...so it wasn't abusive, right?  I was far too young and the other person was a much older married man who took advantage of a young girl just seeking some kind of connection. It happened over the course of a few weeks, so I became quite confused about the whole situation.  That experience  and subsequent experiences impacted me in a way that might actually help explain my current situation.  It isn't healthy, it is just a fact.  I have completely detached my sexuality from my emotions.  I conditioned myself not to care about sexual acts because the first, and many after that, resulted in a deep shame within myself.  I was capable of breaking my moral standards and I had been used by many men... then discarded.  I had to shut my emotions out of sexual activity out of a sense of protecting myself from further heartbreak and shame about what I'd done. 

I finally realized that the problems my spouse and I had in the bedroom were not just her fault.  We couldn't connect on the same levels.  I couldn't connect emotionally, she couldn't connect physically.  We both had things to learn about ourselves, each other and how we work together as a couple.  I am able to be open to emotionally connecting with other women without me being involved.  She has been able to accept my need to physically connect with a man from time to time.  Neither of those things mean that we feel less for each other.  

Eventualy, I did end up sharing a few experiences with someone else, and it did fufill something I felt I was missing.  I was able to express a part of myself I had been hiding and was ashamed of.  I was able to re-claim something within myself that had plagued me for years.  I didn't have to feel so vulnerable to my sexuality, I could be in control of it and enjoy it without the shame that had haunted me for most of my life.  I could admit that I am a sexual person, and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me.

The amazing thing is that I think this experience brought us closer together than ever.  It sounds weird, but it opened us both up to talking about things we never talked about before.  What we need, who we really are, where our life might be going.  Hard topics, but it was good for us to communicate in a loving and understanding way about what each of us was experiencing without anger or resentment.  I am excited to hear about her connections with others.  She isn't ready to hear about mine yet, but that's okay.  I have been honest about the few times I have indulged in what I have needed in a physical sense, but respect that she doesn't need to hear any details.  I think there is a part of her that feels more freedom that she can explore relationships with other people too without it being a threat to our marriage.  The key is the open communication.    

The whole situation and decision to become a Polyamorous couple was a very valuable lesson for us both.  My spouse was able to admit that there was a part of her that was angry or felt guilty that she couldn't provide everything I need.  I felt angry or guilty that I was not able to be the only person she was emotionally connected to.  I realized what I was really looking for with having a sexual connection with another person was to be desired by someone who wanted me to reciprocate.  Yes, I understand that there is a component of someone being trans* that inhibits their ability to allow someone to focus on their body, but that can leave a void in the relationship.  Human beings want to feel connection on some level.  Some of us need physical connections, some of us need emotional connections.  Neither is better or worse, more or less valuable to our well-being.  In my mind, to feel truly connected in either sense requires reciprocation.  

We are both very realistic people.  We don't know that a Polyamorous relationship can work forever.  It would be nice, but might not work in the long run.  We are both at a very good point within ourselves and with each other.  It's still a little awkward to discuss that we do have interests in other people, but in a way it's very freeing.  I'm hopeful that we can keep the core relationship of everyday living as it is, but be able to explore other sides of ourselves with other people at the same time.  If either of us found "that person" who fulfills all of our needs and desires and vice-versa, I think we would be happy for one another and we could part on good terms.  The realist in me says that it just isn't possible and being open to loving multiple people might be the best way to live a fulfilling life.  What a wonderful world it could be.

A New Year, A New Attitude....Self Love and Self Care

Wow, another year gone.  This has been a tough year.  It hasn't been all bad, actually has been quite wonderful overall, just a lot of work.  It's been a lot of work not only for me, but everyone else around me.  We're all trying to learn better ways to relate to each other, become more accepting and to do some deep self-reflection.  The struggles haven't all been about the transition with my spouse, there have been a lot of other issues in my life and the lives of everyone around me.  Friends, family, co-workers...just a year of crazy amounts of change.  I'm trying to recap / sum up some of the most important things I've learned or started to recognize this past year.

First of all, I am so incredibly proud of my spouse for the strides she has made in following her path to becoming who she was meant to be.  She's got an incredible amount of courage to open herself up to the world.  Every day I feel like she's stronger as herself, happier, and more comfortable in the world.  She is beginning to accept herself and gain the confidence that makes her shine even more than she did before.  Most anyone I know has always had a tremendous love and respect for my spouse, but now they express how much better it is when they see the absolute joy in her now that she can be herself more fully.  I feel like we are so much closer now than we have ever been.  We've been able to help each other in our individual journeys, but also our journey as a couple.  

I am personally trying to focus on the lessons I've learned not just from the trials of life, but from the joys too.  I'm beginning to accept that there are people who are right in front me who are willing help me through difficult times.  I've written a lot about it in previous blogs, that trust has always been a huge issue for me. It's scary to trust people.  I've been hurt or let down by a number of people who were supposed to protect me or love me.  I formed my walls and became cynical over the years.  The thing about walls is that what you show to others isn't necessarily reflective of what you really feel, so people get confused about reactions or behaviors.

I have seen how much my lack of trust has hindered me in my life.  Sure, I may have some valid reasons for mistrusting people, but without giving anyone an opportunity to win my trust, it just puts me in a very lonely situation.  How does a person begin to trust again after seeing how shitty some people can be?  Baby steps.  Be vulnerable.  Open up.  I often deflect offers of help, support, or encouragement with my sarcasm, self-deprication or doubt.  That may just be a means to push people away because of my own insecurity.  It may be perceived as a dismission of their love or efforts.  I hate the thought of hurting peoples' feelings, but that might be exactly what I'm doing through my actions.

I am trying to be less reactive to what I view as criticism and try to be a better listener.  It can be difficult to actually sit and listen without starting to form your response in your head before the other person even finishes their thought or comment.  At that point, you have already stopped listening if you're just thinking about what you're going to say next.

What's the worst that would happen if I open up or become vulnerable? People might mock me, they might think I'm crazy, they might think I'm weak, they might talk badly about me to others.  So what?  Those people and situations do exist and it is just a reality I may have to deal with.  If I am secure with myself and my beliefs or actions, I don't (well shouldn't) need validation from anyone else.  If they disagree or are uncomfortable with my views, that is their problem...not mine.  That's not to say I have to be argumentative or angry with them, just agree to disagree, even if they are angry or upset.  Their feelings are their responsibility.  On the flip side, if I become more open, there is actually opportunity for genuine connection with others, happiness, love and knowing that people can still surprise me with their kindness.   I have had a tremendous amount of support from friend, family, and from people I only know through connecting through the internet, blogs, Facebook groups, etc. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me. :)

I've made progress, I've regressed, then made progress again.  The same probably goes for my spouse and my friends and family.  I think that's something I think we all could benefit from being aware of...we may have setbacks.  We may revert to what is comfortable sometimes even if it may not be the best or most healthy choice.  The most important thing I've realized during my setbacks is to try and recognize the root of my choices or behaviors, to forgive myself for not being perfect in moving forward, and to acknowledge (and apologize if necessary) not only to myself, but to the other people it might affect when it happens.  I also feel it may be necessary sometimes that I tell people when I understand that I have taken a step backward.  The first step is admitting when you have a problem, right?  

My belief has always been that the most devastating things in life have taught me the most about how to be strong, strive for more and become a better person.  In this past year, I've seen how much the positive things in life and connections with people teach me just as much.  I need to stop the negative approach and appreciate the happy times while in the moment.  The past is gone, the future doesn't exist...all we have is right now.  I am going to try and enjoy life while I can.  None of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth, so we shouldn't put off following our bliss.  

I am grateful for every single part of the past year.  It hasn't been easy, but I feel like I'm waking up from a deep slumber I've been in for most of my life.  I'm beginning to let go of old ideas, opening up to new ones and look forward to whatever this new year will bring. I am going to try my best to stay focused on moving forward and accepting life as it comes.  Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, every day is an opportunity to create a better and more fulfilling life for ourselves.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!  

What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?

New Beginnings

Tomorrow marks a new day for us.  My spouse will be finally going "full time" in her transition and beginning to go to work and living her life as she has always wanted.  I'm so excited and happy for her.  What a wonderful feeling it must be to finally get to live your life as you've always dreamed.

We had a wonderful night last night.  We had a sort of "birthday" celebration for her and so many people attended!  The people there were the ones so instrumental in supporting us throughout this whole process.  I am forever grateful for every word of support, every question that made me think of something new, every revelation from others that they might share some of either one of our feelings. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system and I love them all.  I cannot thank the people in our lives enough who have helped us along the way.  You all know who you are. :)  

Just thinking that it's only been slightly less than a year since we made the decision to move forward with the transition process is amazing.  So many changes, so many emotions, but so many good things have happened since then.  I feel more in love with my spouse right at this moment than I ever have.  She is becoming who she needs to be and has also encouraged me to put my best efforts forward to be my best self.

Like I've said before, there is so much I have learned about myself through this process that I feel like I have started living up to being the person I was meant to be as well.  I've confronted my own issues and have slowly started to let my walls down and let other people in.  I've confronted the biggest and most shameful personal problem for me...my depression issues.  I've learned that pushing that down and ignoring the problem does nothing to make it better.  Yes, it is still a struggle, but working on it has helped me recognize that there might be hope for it to get better by not bottling up every emotion.

None of us knows for sure what the future holds.  All we can do is work to live every day to the fullest and recognize the people in our lives who help us along the way.  I've learned that although you need to rely on yourself to make things happen, I really don't think any of us can progress as people completely alone.  It's kind of a philosophical thought really...what is the point of existing in this world without others?  Yes, people can be disappointing, they can be mean or hurtful, but they can also be wonderful, inspirational and amazing.  Keep the people around you who inspire you and lift you up.  Let the others go.  You don't need to shun them, but you also don't need to feel obligated to sacrifice your own happiness.  Love yourself.  

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

Appreciation of Friends and Family

There have been a few experiences lately that have really given me a deep appreciation of the people around me.  I didn't realize how withdrawn I had become in the past few years (okay...many many years)  as far as allowing myself to feel connected to people or allowing them to connect to me.

Something about me, or my past experiences maybe, made me mistrust pretty much everyone.  It always seemed like every time I finally let someone in and trusted them, it backfired and I got hurt.  That, or when I allowed myself to really bond with someone, they left or I had to leave.  I just stopped trusting that anything could be real or last in any type of relationship or friendship.  I was always just waiting for whatever bad thing would come next.  I couldn't just enjoy myself or feel the happiness of having connections with other people.  It was always more comfortable to keep people at a distance.  There is no risk of getting hurt that way.  I really enjoy and am fascinated by people, but didn't want to get close.

My views are changing about what weakness and strength actually is.  I thought strength meant being able to handle situations and emotions without the help of others.  I'm realizing now, it takes much more strength to let people in and allow others to help you cope with anything you are dealing with.  Strength isn't holding everything in, it is allowing your true self to come out.  It isn't a weakness to feel fear, doubt, or sadness.  The strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not blocking negativity out, but then figure out how to move on and grow from your negative experiences.

I didn't realize how many people I have in my life that I really could count on. If I hadn't had to face the issue of my spouse being a transsexual woman, I don't know that I would have really been able to look that deeply at my own issues and allow others "in" to help support me.  This situation has allowed me to be more open and honest with people than I think I have ever been.

I have a newfound appreciation of all the people in my life.  I realize how much happier I could be (and am starting to be) if I let myself be vulnerable enough to bond with people.  Sure, I might lose them eventually, but the time spent enjoying the company of others far outweighs the sadness that might come with getting close to someone.

I want to thank all of my family and friends for being so wonderfully supportive.  You know who you are... :)  I know I don't express my gratitude enough, or I might make light of the situation and joke around about my feelings, but I really do appreciate each and every one of you.  My old friends and new, immediate family and extended family.  I feel such deep gratitude, maybe more than you could ever know.  I have found so much strength and happiness because of my incredible support system and can't wait to get to an even better place within myself to fully live my life.  It's not a fast process, so I thank you all for being patient with my progress, as well as my spouse's progress.  I know that with all of you behind me, I will be okay no matter what happens in my life.  I love you all.

And then there is my spouse.  I can't describe how much we have bonded and how much she has helped me begin to find myself, even while going through all of the changes she has been facing.  I know this is my soulmate because we both only want what is best for each other to find true happiness and peace.  I am so greatful that we have each other and we have both come to a point of personal growth as well as supporting each others' growth.  I have never felt such a deep love like this and am amazed every day how far we've come and how happy I could be in a relationship.

Life can be wonderful when you start to let go and enjoy the good things that come your way.

To My Father

For the past few days I have felt some kind of overall sadness that I couldn't put my finger on.  It didn't have anything to do with the changes in my life, work, financial stresses or anything else.  I have just felt...heaviness in my heart and couldn't explain it.

This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die.  It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life.  Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.

I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me.  While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different.  I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.

My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what.  Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay."  I always believed him.  He was right.  There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand.  He calmed me when I needed it the most.  He was calming, but he also had a fun side.

My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life.  When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried.  You couldn't help but laugh too.  He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well.  People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few.  That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.

My dad was a goof-ball.  He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy.  He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly.  One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side.  Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth.  Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)

He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town.  The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.

My dad loved music.  I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music.  He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music.  He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies.  In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band.  He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me.  I still don't know how he did that.

I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:

The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.

It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks 
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.

Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.

One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.

Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters.  Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay.  I miss you and I love you.  I will carry you with me in my heart forever.

Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits.  I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.

Letting go

We finally came out to everyone in our lives that matter the most to us.  All my immediate family, all her immediate family and close friends.  At this point, I don't really care anymore who knows or doesn't know about us.  For the most part, everyone has been really supportive even if they are confused or concerned.  Still it really is only her mother and one of her sisters who isn't being supportive yet.  I am so thankful that I have such an amazing family and that we have friends who are open enough to accept us as we are, no matter what.

It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out.  A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders.  For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with.  There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew.  I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that.  Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent.  That's a wonderful thing.  In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier.  There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.

I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew.  I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive.  It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me.  I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.

I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago.  I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason.  Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty.  Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.

My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago.  It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public.  We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw.  My sister is an emotional creature and always has been.  I was always the cautious and worried one.   So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time.  Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about.  The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly.  I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core.  ***Spoiler alert for the movie***  The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister.  No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second.  We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what.  I have never trusted any other relationship like that.

I'm starting to trust people again.  Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself.  Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people.  I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown.  I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway.  I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.

Letting more people in

The past few weeks have been emotionally draining, but also wonderful.  Coming out to my spouse's family that my husband is transgendered was good, bad, but also has lead to other things to move the transition forward.

Most of the family was amazingly supportive and I feel such a tremendous relief that no matter what happens with our marriage, she will have family to be there.  I guess there was a part of me that felt a bit of a burden that I was the only one who really knew and could be there for my spouse in the emotions of this secret.  I am so grateful for the genuine outpouring of love and feel like this is going to create a really strong bond among all of us.

The negative reactions weren't real surprising.  Her mother of course, is quite confused and isn't handling it very well.  I didn't expect her to be supportive but frankly, don't really care if she's upset.  She has never been emotionally supportive of any of her children and maybe it is a good thing that she has to face what kind of person she has been.  It's the same thing with one of the sisters.  She too has not been emotionally supportive of anyone but herself and she might have to take a look in the mirror.

Today is another day of telling some people who are really important in our lives.  As nervous as I am about telling the people who are really close friends of "his", I am also relieved.  We won't have to pretend anymore.  I am sad for them that they are going to have to face losing one of the people who have been really important in their lives, but hopeful that they might be able to accept the change.

We still have to tell most of my family.  It's not that I haven't been ready to do that, but the timing hasn't worked out quite yet.  Each one of these talks is incredibly emotional, whether it's positive or negative.  It's exposing your emotions to others and that has been draining for both of us.  It's also a lot of work because people do want to continue to talk and we haven't been this social in a very long time.

We have made some important steps and she has been so brave.  I'm so proud of her that she is becoming the person she has always felt on the inside.  We went to a wig shop together, we went out on the town together and she even went to the last therapy session en femme.  I am amazed at the amount of courage she has and am so proud to be married to someone with that kind of inner strength.  I'm actually finding the strength within myself too.  I have found that to be strong, you also need to be vulnerable.  Being closed off and putting up emotional barriers isn't the kind of strength I thought it was.

I had an epiphany last night.  The feminine side of this person is the one I actually fell in love with in the first place.  When we first met, the personality was more like the one I am seeing right now.  It didn't really occur to me that over time things had changed with the personality until I started seeing it again.  I could never really put my finger on what was changing, but now I see that it was just a gradual withdrawal from each other.  I'm so happy that we have started going back to what we were in the beginning of our relationship.  Like the Wizard of Oz said...the answer was in front of us all along.

Anxieties and Anticipation of Coming Out to Family

I spend a lot of time worrying, I always have.  My mother told me when I was five years old that I'd have an ulcer by 16, if that tells you anything.  Being married to a transgender person evokes a whole lot of worry but has also taught me a lot about myself and that I need to learn how to cope with my anxieties better.  How?  I'm still figuring that out, I'm sure it will be a life long journey for me.

I wanted to write this before tonight because I want to capture my actual feelings, not what I think I was feeling at the time.  We might be coming out to my spouse's family this weekend that he is transgender and really a she.  It is the plan, but there is the possibility that it isn't the right time according to my spouse.  When is there a right time though?  I don't know that there ever really is a right time to share something that is such a huge change in both the person and the relationship.  This is not my family and I'm not the one actually transitioning, so I need to try and be sensitive to that and let her take the lead.  When it comes time to tell my family, I will most likely take the lead on how and when to tell them.

It feels to me right now like we're about to punch everyone right in the gut without letting them brace themselves.  It's actually supposed to be a fun weekend but I feel like it's going to all be spoiled by this and all we will be doing is dealing with emotions all weekend.  Ugh, emotions...my favorite thing. :)

I wanted to try an exercise just getting out all the things I'm thinking.

Fears:
I am afraid my spouse's feelings are going to be hurt by poor reactions.  I that she will blame herself for causing her family stress, grief, or anger.  I am afraid that I will have to watch her be in agony, stressed out and emotional.  I am afraid she will become angry and defensive.  I am afraid that her family will look at me with pity.  I am afraid that I will be emotional and have to let down my carefully constructed walls.  I am afraid that I will have to be the strong one while everyone around me will be a wreck.  I am afraid for her family and how this is going to impact them emotionally.  I am afraid of them rejecting us.  I am afraid they will blame themselves.

Hopes:
I hope we are both strong enough to actually go through with telling them.  I hope I don't retreat into my emotional cave and not let anything in or out.  I hope my spouse will feel better about being herself and being honest about who she is.  I hope they will listen and be loving and accepting of her.  I hope they believe the things we tell them.  I hope we can still have fun with them the way we normally do.  I hope this will actually create stronger bonds.

I always try and anticipate every situation so I can be prepared for my reaction to it.  That is unrealistic and part of my problem with anxiety.  It does no good to visualize every scenario, I won't know how I will react until something happens.  I can't sit and worry about the what ifs all the time.  That is what keeps me up at night or doesn't let me go back to sleep.  Lack of sleep only makes things worse.  I get more sensitive to any emotion and much more reactionary.  I'm just glad I got at least 6 hours of sleep last night.  I can funciton on that.  A few nights this week was only 3 or 4 hours and that was just no good at all.

On a positive note, we have told a few more people and still have not had to experience any really negative reactions.  I am feeling more and more confident about the relationships we have with our friends.  As much as I am worrying about how this weekend is going to go, I am so grateful that we have people we can talk to and who are there for us.  There are a few people who have really been so wonderful and I really trust them.  That is very difficult for me, to trust others.

I am going to try and focus on the positives as much as possible today.  My marriage has never been better.  We are communicating more than we ever have about everything, which can be exhausting at times, but is also quite necessary.  Our bond has strengthened and as much as I realize that most marriages do not survive after a transition, I know that we will be a part of each others' lives forever.  What that will look like in the future is unknown, but I am going to focus on the present and be in the moment.