There have been a few experiences lately that have really given me a deep appreciation of the people around me. I didn't realize how withdrawn I had become in the past few years (okay...many many years) as far as allowing myself to feel connected to people or allowing them to connect to me.
Something about me, or my past experiences maybe, made me mistrust pretty much everyone. It always seemed like every time I finally let someone in and trusted them, it backfired and I got hurt. That, or when I allowed myself to really bond with someone, they left or I had to leave. I just stopped trusting that anything could be real or last in any type of relationship or friendship. I was always just waiting for whatever bad thing would come next. I couldn't just enjoy myself or feel the happiness of having connections with other people. It was always more comfortable to keep people at a distance. There is no risk of getting hurt that way. I really enjoy and am fascinated by people, but didn't want to get close.
My views are changing about what weakness and strength actually is. I thought strength meant being able to handle situations and emotions without the help of others. I'm realizing now, it takes much more strength to let people in and allow others to help you cope with anything you are dealing with. Strength isn't holding everything in, it is allowing your true self to come out. It isn't a weakness to feel fear, doubt, or sadness. The strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not blocking negativity out, but then figure out how to move on and grow from your negative experiences.
I didn't realize how many people I have in my life that I really could count on. If I hadn't had to face the issue of my spouse being a transsexual woman, I don't know that I would have really been able to look that deeply at my own issues and allow others "in" to help support me. This situation has allowed me to be more open and honest with people than I think I have ever been.
I have a newfound appreciation of all the people in my life. I realize how much happier I could be (and am starting to be) if I let myself be vulnerable enough to bond with people. Sure, I might lose them eventually, but the time spent enjoying the company of others far outweighs the sadness that might come with getting close to someone.
I want to thank all of my family and friends for being so wonderfully supportive. You know who you are... :) I know I don't express my gratitude enough, or I might make light of the situation and joke around about my feelings, but I really do appreciate each and every one of you. My old friends and new, immediate family and extended family. I feel such deep gratitude, maybe more than you could ever know. I have found so much strength and happiness because of my incredible support system and can't wait to get to an even better place within myself to fully live my life. It's not a fast process, so I thank you all for being patient with my progress, as well as my spouse's progress. I know that with all of you behind me, I will be okay no matter what happens in my life. I love you all.
And then there is my spouse. I can't describe how much we have bonded and how much she has helped me begin to find myself, even while going through all of the changes she has been facing. I know this is my soulmate because we both only want what is best for each other to find true happiness and peace. I am so greatful that we have each other and we have both come to a point of personal growth as well as supporting each others' growth. I have never felt such a deep love like this and am amazed every day how far we've come and how happy I could be in a relationship.
Life can be wonderful when you start to let go and enjoy the good things that come your way.
Showing posts with label Sisters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sisters. Show all posts
Monday, June 30, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
To My Father
For the past few days I have felt some kind of overall sadness that I couldn't put my finger on. It didn't have anything to do with the changes in my life, work, financial stresses or anything else. I have just felt...heaviness in my heart and couldn't explain it.
This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.
I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me. While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different. I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.
My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what. Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay." I always believed him. He was right. There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand. He calmed me when I needed it the most. He was calming, but he also had a fun side.
My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life. When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried. You couldn't help but laugh too. He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well. People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few. That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.
My dad was a goof-ball. He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy. He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly. One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side. Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth. Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)
He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town. The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.
My dad loved music. I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music. He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music. He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies. In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band. He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me. I still don't know how he did that.
I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:
The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.
It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.
Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.
One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.
Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters. Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I love you. I will carry you with me in my heart forever.
Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits. I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.
This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.
I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me. While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different. I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.
My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what. Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay." I always believed him. He was right. There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand. He calmed me when I needed it the most. He was calming, but he also had a fun side.
My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life. When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried. You couldn't help but laugh too. He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well. People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few. That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.
My dad was a goof-ball. He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy. He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly. One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side. Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth. Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)
He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town. The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.
My dad loved music. I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music. He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music. He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies. In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band. He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me. I still don't know how he did that.
I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:
The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.
It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.
Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.
One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.
Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters. Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I love you. I will carry you with me in my heart forever.
Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits. I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Letting go
We finally came out to everyone in our lives that matter the most to us. All my immediate family, all her immediate family and close friends. At this point, I don't really care anymore who knows or doesn't know about us. For the most part, everyone has been really supportive even if they are confused or concerned. Still it really is only her mother and one of her sisters who isn't being supportive yet. I am so thankful that I have such an amazing family and that we have friends who are open enough to accept us as we are, no matter what.
It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out. A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders. For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with. There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew. I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that. Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent. That's a wonderful thing. In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier. There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.
I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew. I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive. It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me. I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.
I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago. I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason. Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty. Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.
My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago. It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public. We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw. My sister is an emotional creature and always has been. I was always the cautious and worried one. So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time. Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about. The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly. I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core. ***Spoiler alert for the movie*** The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister. No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second. We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what. I have never trusted any other relationship like that.
I'm starting to trust people again. Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself. Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people. I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown. I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway. I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.
It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out. A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders. For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with. There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew. I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that. Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent. That's a wonderful thing. In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier. There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.
I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew. I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive. It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me. I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.
I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago. I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason. Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty. Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.
My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago. It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public. We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw. My sister is an emotional creature and always has been. I was always the cautious and worried one. So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time. Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about. The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly. I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core. ***Spoiler alert for the movie*** The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister. No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second. We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what. I have never trusted any other relationship like that.
I'm starting to trust people again. Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself. Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people. I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown. I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway. I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.
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