People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Don't we want the best for our partners?

It's been quite awhile since I have posted anything.  Lots of things happening with me personally, but also things that I've been thinking about coming up for my spouse as well.  Gosh, things have been so confusing at times.

For my spouse, it's coming up on a year of the "full time" status, so surgery is the next step.  I'm so excited for her that she will finally match the body she has always wanted.  There are a few hiccups around that area though.

Insurance only pays for a portion of surgery, so the remainder is our repsonsibility.  For her, she wants to keep the cost of the surgery, travel, and recovery expenses to a minimum.  I get angry about that.  I do not want her, for any reason, to skimp on any part of surgery.  I want her to have the best possible surgery available.  I want her to have a surgeon who understands what it feels like to have gone through this particular experience.

I understand that she wants to consider our financial situation, the impact of the surgery on what we would owe, etc, but I got very angry with her thinking about trying to keep things cheap because of me or us.  I don't think that is unreasonable.  She would not want me to get anything other than the best treatment if I had some ailment that was impeding my quaility of life, why should I want less for her?  I want to know that the surgery is the best possible service and follow-up care available.  I don't care the cost of it.  I want nothing but the best possible outcome for so many reasons.

What spouse would want anything but the best surgery for the person they are married to?  Why wouldn't I want her to have a surgeon who has experienced the exact surgery, but who also can perform it so wonderfully with great follow-up care?

I'm trying to be open-minded about all possible surgeons, but I have done a ton of research and want the very best for her.  If anyone has suggestions, recommendations, or experiences to share, I would love to hear feedback about where the best possible facility would be to have the surgery done.

On other notes...I have gone through some personal revalations, trials/tribulations, etc.  It's so hard to think about the past and what has been such an impact on your life.  Especially when it comes to sex. It took me a very long time to even say the words that I was a victim of "sexual abuse."  I have spoken about this before.  What tripped me up most recently is my counselor suggesting that I write  letter to "the guy" as myself at the age it happened.  I had written angry letters before as my adult self, but not as the vulnerable young person I was when it happened.

Curiously, I had a very strange reaction to attempting to put myself in the frame of mind when I was at the age I was back then.  I started panicking, got scared, got very dark within myself.  I couldn't write anything.  I drank a lot instead.  I numbed it.  I cried.  I got angry.  I didn't know what to do.  I got aa bit angry with the counselor for even suggesting what she  did, writing the letter.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be feeling right now, but it's terribly confusing.  Maybe I'm supposed to be dealing with the past, maybe I'm supposed to be contemplating the future, but either way, it feels so uncomfortable that I'm not sure what to do with these feelings.

How do you get over the past and move on???

My spouse wants me to deal with my past, I want her to deal realistically with her future.  How do we come to good compromises?

Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

What kind of person am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am currently and who I wish to be in the future.  Not only that, but who I appear to be to others and how much of who I appear to be is real.  How much of that is an act, or how much of that is...I don't know...reality?

Here is how I see myself:  I am a person who is worried all the time about everyone else and how they think I am living up to their expections.  I believe I'm a smart person, but constantly question myself and whether I'm right or wrong and if others believe in me.  I feel like I am not living up to my full potential.  I don't feel I have ever accomplished anything of worth and have just been fooling myself and everyone else my whole life.  I don't ever think anyone likes me, not really.  I think they just pretend that they do.  I feel like I read people well, but I can't express myself correctly in any situation.  I am too sensitive to allow myself to be open to many people.

Here is how I feel others view me:  I am a very direct, honest and forthright person.  I like to be in control and I can be forceful, especially if I think I'm in the right.  If I think I have a better way of doing something, I speak up.  If I see something I feel is inefficient, something that could be improved upon or something I perceive as an injustice to someone else, I won't back down and can sometimes badger others to see things my way.  I suppose I could be described as kind of a bitch sometimes.

I can also be quite compassionate and understanding of people or situations.  I'm sure the disparity is very confusing to some people.  I feel that I come off as really cold and elusive at times to people in my everyday life, but warm and inviting to strangers.  I'm a very sensitive person and care quite deeply about other people and their feelings.  I just have a really hard time showing that to people who might get close to me.

Where do my feelings come from?  I have been thinking a lot about that lately.  A large part of that could have come from my background growing up in a military family.  We don't have a "family home" or a place that any of us can look to as a part of our past and how we were raised.  Friends came and went like the wind.  Nobody was permanent.  It was all over the place.  I've had people dump me.  I've had people quite close to me die and leave me with a feeling of such deep depression that it doesn't feel worth it to get that close again.  It hurts too much to lose people.

It's so much easier to keep people at a distance.  In my experience, everyone goes away eventually.  Nobody stays permanently.  Don't get close, it hurts too much to care deeply about anyone.  It's sad, but just the way I feel most of the time.  But I do sometimes long for that connection.  I have made those connections with people in recent years, but still keep them at a distance.  Everyone.  Family and friends. I guess I don't really want to let anyone in on the true extent of my feelings because I am afraid they won't care at all...or that they will.  If they do care, then I would feel responsibility for their reaction to my feelings.

I guess the conclusion is that I have to admit that I'm a codependent person.  I rely on others to validate my feelings.  I'm a caretaker and don't value my own feelings above others' feelings.  I don't want to be that way, it's just the way it is, at least right now.  I've known that I am that way since I went to counseling (in theory), but I suppose it takes time for reality to set in and change a lifetime of how you think about yourself and others.

Now I have to work on how to get out of that type of thinking.  What do I do for myself?  How do I learn to take care of myself and not let everyone else's needs trump my own without being "selfish"?  I've always heard that you cannot truly love anyone else until you love yourself.  How do you learn to love yourself after a life of self-doubt and depression?  How do you learn to stand up for yourself?

Part of why this type of self evaluation has happened is analyzing how my marriage has worked in the past and how it might work in the future.  In order to stay in this situation, I need to face myself, my feelings and how my spouse and I interact during this process.  Honesty about my feelings and accepting her feelings will be the key to our new type of marriage and being in a happy place with ourselves and each other.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I am looking forward to the changes that are to come of this.

Coping with Anxiety and Changing Behavior

I have come to a point (finally) that I have realized that I want to make a change too.  If the person you love is making significant change to be happy, it poses the question that if you don't really think about seriously changing too, where does that leave you or your relationship?  Change is such a scary thing, even if it's a healthy change.  Maybe especially when it is healthy change.  It's easier to numb my anxiety with alcohol, drugs, obsession, food or whatever else works easily and quickly.  It's far more difficult to face your fears and feel the feelings that come along with that and just...be okay with those feelings.

My issue has always been feeling ashamed of my anxiety or depression.  I felt the need to put up such a front of being in control and being strong that my behaviors didn't reflect to other people who I really am.  Maybe I was ashamed of who I am?  Why in the world was I ever surprised that other people didn't know the real me?  People are not psychic.  They honestly don't know what you are feeling unless you tell them.  Sometimes we want other people to "just know" what you really mean or what you feel without telling them.  Maybe that means it's a sign that they really love you?  It's kind of delusional to make that a test of who you can really let into your heart.  Maybe that kind of test is just an excuse to never let anyone into your heart so you don't get hurt.

I watch programs like Hoarders or Obsessed and joke with people that it just makes me feel better about my house not being perfectly clean or that at least I'm not as messed up as the people on the shows.  In all honesty, those people just have different manifestations of anxiety and maybe it's me looking on others with the same shame I feel about myself and my anxiety and reinforcing that I shouldn't feel that way.  Is their behavior really more destructive than mine?  Okay...probably yes.  It is in most cases, or they wouldn't be filming it in the first place, right?  But sometimes their behavior isn't hurting anyone but themselves much more than mine is if I really think about it.

So, what are the roots of my anxiety?  I've thought a lot about that and there are things that have contributed over the years, but really I just have always been a "worry-wart" as my family called me.  I was teased about it, which is what family does to try to make light of something that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal.  I don't remember ever NOT being worried about something as long as I can remember, even as young as maybe 3 or 4 years old.  Sure, other things over time like moving a lot as a child or dealing with my parents' divorce or inappropriate sexual relationships all contributed to my having rationalizations for why I am the way I am, but I think I have come to realize now that maybe I either have always had a slight chemical imbalance or that I just never was taught proper coping skills.  I didn't want to be viewed as different or that I couldn't be as strong in dealing with situations as other people, so I just pushed those feelings down.  I couldn't admit them to anyone.

So, how do I cope?  It has changed over the years, but a lot of it for the past 20 years has been some sort of substance abuse.  If I altered my state of mind, I could ignore the nagging feelings in the back of my mind.  For the past several years, it has been habitual drinking.  Not black-out type of drinking or "needing a drink to start my morning" kind of drinking, but getting into the habit of drinking every night to calm my nerves and just relax.  When I was younger, I didn't really drink, but did experiment with other drugs and used some of them on a daily basis.  I think I switched to drinking not so much that I enjoyed it more, but because it was legal.  I didn't have to worry about being caught with alcohol because I was over 21.  I don't chance driving drunk (because I would worry too much) so just pretty much stay home.  I do have some healthy coping skills like artistic things or writing, but need to work on not just shutting out my feelings or people.

During my counseling sessions years ago, my therapist made the statement that I was self-medicating for anxiety.  She prescribed some anxiety medication, but I didn't really like it because it made me really sleepy if I took it during the day and if I took it at night I had probably been drinking and wouldn't mix the two because it is dangerous.  The only time it really helped was when I would wake up with the circular thought patterns and couldn't get back to sleep.  Then I would take it only if it was still early enough to not be super groggy in the morning.  I hated that anxiety too; that I needed to make sure I had enough time to let it work or I might not wake up in time for work.  The last time I filled that medication was 2 years ago.

So now I am at a crossroads.  I want to quit drinking every day.  Maybe not quit drinking completely, but don't want to depend on it anymore.  I'm sick of being dependent on anything.  Substances, but also food.  I've used food in the past as my coping mechanism before I discovered mind-altering substances.  I don't want any substance to stop me from just living my life.  So where do I go from here?  Just learn better coping skills, right?  Exercise and eat right!  Yes, that certainly is my goal.  But in the meantime, I get even more anxiety just thinking about not having something I can turn to for a quick fix.  It's giving up a type of security blanket.  I know that's not healthy, but it's the truth.

I swallowed my pride and finally admitted to my current doctor that I might need that medication again.  He had not ever prescribed that for me.  What I liked (and maybe didn't at the same time) was that he warned me about the potential for addiction to that one particular quick-acting medication that I had been on before and that it shouldn't be used all the time.  I did express how I don't actually like taking it and that I mainly used it to get back to sleep if my mind was racing.  I had used it a few other times during extrememly stressful situations during waking hours, but mainly for sleep purposes.  He suggested a low dose medication that is a daily pill and even though I am okay with drinking every day, I wanted to reject that idea that I "need" a pill to be okay.  What's the difference?  I think it's an admission that maybe my brain just doesn't work correctly or that I just am not strong enough to handle stress.  Obviously I can't handle it correctly if I feel the need to drink though, right?  Not the want to drink, the need to drink.

So, now what?  I am at the point of change.  I think I am going to give the medication a try.  I want to see how it makes me feel and if I can change my coping skills.  Maybe I won't need it forever.  Maybe it will give me the relaxation I desire without the limitations that drinking or other drugs have had on me.  Maybe if I can get that little bit of clarity I can make healthier choices and learn to cope through positive methods.  Hell, I would probably lose a bunch of weight too!  Alcohol is super high in calories and that isn't helping anything, even if I am eating better.

I need to trust in myself that I can do this.  I have started facing myself and need to let people in on what I've learned.  I can't just tell the people I love to read my blog to see how I feel, I have to maybe actually express it sometimes.  (Yikes!) That has been so difficult for me in the past.  I want to get better.  I need to get better.  I am really close to being ready, but the first step is a doozy...

Getting Comfortable

There have been a lot of things in the past month or so that have been emotionally charged, but have been so wonderful for me and my marriage.  I have thought so much about what I love about the person I'm married to and what had slowly gone by the wayside over time that I missed.  I missed our long night conversations that we had in the beginning of our relationship.  I missed the "new car smell" of discovering someone else.  I missed learning about someone else's views on life.

I suppose that's the way most relationships go, losing the newness of it all.  I feel like we have that newness back again.  It's great, emotional, passionate, but also a bit scary.  Why is scary good?  I don't really know the answer to that, just that it's not stagnant like most relationships get over time.  Comfortable?  Predicable?  Why might that feel so boring?  I guess that the excitement of learning someone else's little idiosyncrasies, secrets or true feelings tend to fade away over time.  Why can't I be more comfortable with the predictable?  I'm not sure about that either.  Is anyone comfortable with that or is it just...numbness?

I feel like we get too set in our ways that we think we always know what our significant others (or anyone close to us) are thinking that we don't stop to consider that people can actually change.  We all change over time.  Not just in something like what me and my spouse are experiencing, but all of us.  People can change their beliefs, their opinions, their thought processes.  How do we convince others who have known us for a long period of time that we have grown?  That's a difficult thing to accept.  We have a pre-conceived notion about who a person is that maybe we sometimes stifle what they are becoming.

I'm actually quite excited to see this new side of my spouse.  It feels like a completely new relationship, even though we have been together so long.  Things are changing about how we communicate, how we relate to each other and even our compassion for each other.  It's hard to let go of past assumptions of feelings sometimes, but we are getting there.

Something has shifted in my mind.  I don't think of my spouse as "him" anymore.  When I talk about "him," I think "her" now.  When I think of the future, I think of us as a lesbian couple.  When I'm talking to people, I want to say the female name or use the prounoun "her."  I feel badly when I see "him" because I know that isn't the person who is really inside.  The male part now has become the costume instead of the female.  It's not that I can't handle seeing "him" or that I'm not comfortable, but I just know that it's frustrating for my spouse to live a dual life.

There have been so many significant moments lately where family and friends have become acquainted with her and seem to be more and more comfortable.  For me, the hardest thing is to see "him" walk through the door after work, knowing that "he" had to pretend all day not to be who she really is.  I am actually excited now for the moment when it becomes full-time, just so the duality ceases to be and we can just be ourselves both as individuals, and as this new couple.

There are so many new things on the horizion to look forward to that I feel a sense of renewal in my life.  I don't know where it might go, but I have hope that things will be much better for both of us.  I am gaining a new sense of myself, so is she.  I sure hope both of us feel after the full transition like we can walk this new path together, but I don't feel so afraid anymore if we had to each walk our own paths.  Maybe it's kind of like the saying, "If you love someone, set them free..."  and now I feel like we both have the freedom to be ourselves no matter what.  At this moment, I feel more in love than ever and so proud of how each of us have grown so far.  We are letting each other in to all of our true feelings and trying to let go of the past.  Just live in the moment, right? :)

Letting go

We finally came out to everyone in our lives that matter the most to us.  All my immediate family, all her immediate family and close friends.  At this point, I don't really care anymore who knows or doesn't know about us.  For the most part, everyone has been really supportive even if they are confused or concerned.  Still it really is only her mother and one of her sisters who isn't being supportive yet.  I am so thankful that I have such an amazing family and that we have friends who are open enough to accept us as we are, no matter what.

It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out.  A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders.  For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with.  There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew.  I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that.  Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent.  That's a wonderful thing.  In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier.  There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.

I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew.  I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive.  It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me.  I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.

I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago.  I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason.  Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty.  Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.

My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago.  It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public.  We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw.  My sister is an emotional creature and always has been.  I was always the cautious and worried one.   So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time.  Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about.  The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly.  I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core.  ***Spoiler alert for the movie***  The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister.  No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second.  We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what.  I have never trusted any other relationship like that.

I'm starting to trust people again.  Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself.  Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people.  I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown.  I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway.  I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.

New Year, New Beginnings

Thirteen years ago at midnight tonight was my first kiss with the person who became the love of my life and my spouse.  It was such a sweet moment and I knew it was the beginning of something really special.

I'm feeling really emotional today, but in a good way.  I think I'm just overwhelmed with thinking about the new beginnings to come and exploring this new chapter in my life.  It's going to be an emotional year, that I am sure of.   I'm starting to be okay with feeling the emotions though.  It's getting easier to deal with the anxieties and I'm feeling much more secure with my relationship.  I'm going to try to accept that I can feel happy and not just wait anxiously to see what will cause the happiness to end.  I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

I'm looking forward to the day when we are finally "out".  It's not that I want to announce it to the world, but I do want to not have to hide it.  I also want to share it with the people closest to me so they can understand me and my marriage better.  I know it will be uncomfortable for some, and maybe even unacceptable to others, but that's okay.  I know I will find support, but most importantly I will be living an honest life.

Something I keep going back to in my mind is a documentary I watched many years ago.  It was an interview of Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers.  It's a really long documentary, something like 6 hours, but it was inspirational to me.  I still don't think I've watched the whole thing.  His voice is so soothing, I end up falling asleep. :) One part in particular resonated with me and has helped me when I feel like I'm not being true to myself.  Here is a bit of it:

If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you.  I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

― Joseph Campbell

That struck me as so beautiful.  It seems pretty appropriate to the transgender issue, but it is true for all of us.  My goal for the New Year is to keep this in mind.  I need to encourage my spouse to keep following her bliss and allow myself to follow mine.  I'm hopeful that what each of us needs will lead us to having an ever deepening bond while becoming the people each of us are meant to be.

Happy New Year!!!