Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

Coping with Anxiety and Changing Behavior

I have come to a point (finally) that I have realized that I want to make a change too.  If the person you love is making significant change to be happy, it poses the question that if you don't really think about seriously changing too, where does that leave you or your relationship?  Change is such a scary thing, even if it's a healthy change.  Maybe especially when it is healthy change.  It's easier to numb my anxiety with alcohol, drugs, obsession, food or whatever else works easily and quickly.  It's far more difficult to face your fears and feel the feelings that come along with that and just...be okay with those feelings.

My issue has always been feeling ashamed of my anxiety or depression.  I felt the need to put up such a front of being in control and being strong that my behaviors didn't reflect to other people who I really am.  Maybe I was ashamed of who I am?  Why in the world was I ever surprised that other people didn't know the real me?  People are not psychic.  They honestly don't know what you are feeling unless you tell them.  Sometimes we want other people to "just know" what you really mean or what you feel without telling them.  Maybe that means it's a sign that they really love you?  It's kind of delusional to make that a test of who you can really let into your heart.  Maybe that kind of test is just an excuse to never let anyone into your heart so you don't get hurt.

I watch programs like Hoarders or Obsessed and joke with people that it just makes me feel better about my house not being perfectly clean or that at least I'm not as messed up as the people on the shows.  In all honesty, those people just have different manifestations of anxiety and maybe it's me looking on others with the same shame I feel about myself and my anxiety and reinforcing that I shouldn't feel that way.  Is their behavior really more destructive than mine?  Okay...probably yes.  It is in most cases, or they wouldn't be filming it in the first place, right?  But sometimes their behavior isn't hurting anyone but themselves much more than mine is if I really think about it.

So, what are the roots of my anxiety?  I've thought a lot about that and there are things that have contributed over the years, but really I just have always been a "worry-wart" as my family called me.  I was teased about it, which is what family does to try to make light of something that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal.  I don't remember ever NOT being worried about something as long as I can remember, even as young as maybe 3 or 4 years old.  Sure, other things over time like moving a lot as a child or dealing with my parents' divorce or inappropriate sexual relationships all contributed to my having rationalizations for why I am the way I am, but I think I have come to realize now that maybe I either have always had a slight chemical imbalance or that I just never was taught proper coping skills.  I didn't want to be viewed as different or that I couldn't be as strong in dealing with situations as other people, so I just pushed those feelings down.  I couldn't admit them to anyone.

So, how do I cope?  It has changed over the years, but a lot of it for the past 20 years has been some sort of substance abuse.  If I altered my state of mind, I could ignore the nagging feelings in the back of my mind.  For the past several years, it has been habitual drinking.  Not black-out type of drinking or "needing a drink to start my morning" kind of drinking, but getting into the habit of drinking every night to calm my nerves and just relax.  When I was younger, I didn't really drink, but did experiment with other drugs and used some of them on a daily basis.  I think I switched to drinking not so much that I enjoyed it more, but because it was legal.  I didn't have to worry about being caught with alcohol because I was over 21.  I don't chance driving drunk (because I would worry too much) so just pretty much stay home.  I do have some healthy coping skills like artistic things or writing, but need to work on not just shutting out my feelings or people.

During my counseling sessions years ago, my therapist made the statement that I was self-medicating for anxiety.  She prescribed some anxiety medication, but I didn't really like it because it made me really sleepy if I took it during the day and if I took it at night I had probably been drinking and wouldn't mix the two because it is dangerous.  The only time it really helped was when I would wake up with the circular thought patterns and couldn't get back to sleep.  Then I would take it only if it was still early enough to not be super groggy in the morning.  I hated that anxiety too; that I needed to make sure I had enough time to let it work or I might not wake up in time for work.  The last time I filled that medication was 2 years ago.

So now I am at a crossroads.  I want to quit drinking every day.  Maybe not quit drinking completely, but don't want to depend on it anymore.  I'm sick of being dependent on anything.  Substances, but also food.  I've used food in the past as my coping mechanism before I discovered mind-altering substances.  I don't want any substance to stop me from just living my life.  So where do I go from here?  Just learn better coping skills, right?  Exercise and eat right!  Yes, that certainly is my goal.  But in the meantime, I get even more anxiety just thinking about not having something I can turn to for a quick fix.  It's giving up a type of security blanket.  I know that's not healthy, but it's the truth.

I swallowed my pride and finally admitted to my current doctor that I might need that medication again.  He had not ever prescribed that for me.  What I liked (and maybe didn't at the same time) was that he warned me about the potential for addiction to that one particular quick-acting medication that I had been on before and that it shouldn't be used all the time.  I did express how I don't actually like taking it and that I mainly used it to get back to sleep if my mind was racing.  I had used it a few other times during extrememly stressful situations during waking hours, but mainly for sleep purposes.  He suggested a low dose medication that is a daily pill and even though I am okay with drinking every day, I wanted to reject that idea that I "need" a pill to be okay.  What's the difference?  I think it's an admission that maybe my brain just doesn't work correctly or that I just am not strong enough to handle stress.  Obviously I can't handle it correctly if I feel the need to drink though, right?  Not the want to drink, the need to drink.

So, now what?  I am at the point of change.  I think I am going to give the medication a try.  I want to see how it makes me feel and if I can change my coping skills.  Maybe I won't need it forever.  Maybe it will give me the relaxation I desire without the limitations that drinking or other drugs have had on me.  Maybe if I can get that little bit of clarity I can make healthier choices and learn to cope through positive methods.  Hell, I would probably lose a bunch of weight too!  Alcohol is super high in calories and that isn't helping anything, even if I am eating better.

I need to trust in myself that I can do this.  I have started facing myself and need to let people in on what I've learned.  I can't just tell the people I love to read my blog to see how I feel, I have to maybe actually express it sometimes.  (Yikes!) That has been so difficult for me in the past.  I want to get better.  I need to get better.  I am really close to being ready, but the first step is a doozy...