Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?

Coping with Anxiety and Changing Behavior

I have come to a point (finally) that I have realized that I want to make a change too.  If the person you love is making significant change to be happy, it poses the question that if you don't really think about seriously changing too, where does that leave you or your relationship?  Change is such a scary thing, even if it's a healthy change.  Maybe especially when it is healthy change.  It's easier to numb my anxiety with alcohol, drugs, obsession, food or whatever else works easily and quickly.  It's far more difficult to face your fears and feel the feelings that come along with that and just...be okay with those feelings.

My issue has always been feeling ashamed of my anxiety or depression.  I felt the need to put up such a front of being in control and being strong that my behaviors didn't reflect to other people who I really am.  Maybe I was ashamed of who I am?  Why in the world was I ever surprised that other people didn't know the real me?  People are not psychic.  They honestly don't know what you are feeling unless you tell them.  Sometimes we want other people to "just know" what you really mean or what you feel without telling them.  Maybe that means it's a sign that they really love you?  It's kind of delusional to make that a test of who you can really let into your heart.  Maybe that kind of test is just an excuse to never let anyone into your heart so you don't get hurt.

I watch programs like Hoarders or Obsessed and joke with people that it just makes me feel better about my house not being perfectly clean or that at least I'm not as messed up as the people on the shows.  In all honesty, those people just have different manifestations of anxiety and maybe it's me looking on others with the same shame I feel about myself and my anxiety and reinforcing that I shouldn't feel that way.  Is their behavior really more destructive than mine?  Okay...probably yes.  It is in most cases, or they wouldn't be filming it in the first place, right?  But sometimes their behavior isn't hurting anyone but themselves much more than mine is if I really think about it.

So, what are the roots of my anxiety?  I've thought a lot about that and there are things that have contributed over the years, but really I just have always been a "worry-wart" as my family called me.  I was teased about it, which is what family does to try to make light of something that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal.  I don't remember ever NOT being worried about something as long as I can remember, even as young as maybe 3 or 4 years old.  Sure, other things over time like moving a lot as a child or dealing with my parents' divorce or inappropriate sexual relationships all contributed to my having rationalizations for why I am the way I am, but I think I have come to realize now that maybe I either have always had a slight chemical imbalance or that I just never was taught proper coping skills.  I didn't want to be viewed as different or that I couldn't be as strong in dealing with situations as other people, so I just pushed those feelings down.  I couldn't admit them to anyone.

So, how do I cope?  It has changed over the years, but a lot of it for the past 20 years has been some sort of substance abuse.  If I altered my state of mind, I could ignore the nagging feelings in the back of my mind.  For the past several years, it has been habitual drinking.  Not black-out type of drinking or "needing a drink to start my morning" kind of drinking, but getting into the habit of drinking every night to calm my nerves and just relax.  When I was younger, I didn't really drink, but did experiment with other drugs and used some of them on a daily basis.  I think I switched to drinking not so much that I enjoyed it more, but because it was legal.  I didn't have to worry about being caught with alcohol because I was over 21.  I don't chance driving drunk (because I would worry too much) so just pretty much stay home.  I do have some healthy coping skills like artistic things or writing, but need to work on not just shutting out my feelings or people.

During my counseling sessions years ago, my therapist made the statement that I was self-medicating for anxiety.  She prescribed some anxiety medication, but I didn't really like it because it made me really sleepy if I took it during the day and if I took it at night I had probably been drinking and wouldn't mix the two because it is dangerous.  The only time it really helped was when I would wake up with the circular thought patterns and couldn't get back to sleep.  Then I would take it only if it was still early enough to not be super groggy in the morning.  I hated that anxiety too; that I needed to make sure I had enough time to let it work or I might not wake up in time for work.  The last time I filled that medication was 2 years ago.

So now I am at a crossroads.  I want to quit drinking every day.  Maybe not quit drinking completely, but don't want to depend on it anymore.  I'm sick of being dependent on anything.  Substances, but also food.  I've used food in the past as my coping mechanism before I discovered mind-altering substances.  I don't want any substance to stop me from just living my life.  So where do I go from here?  Just learn better coping skills, right?  Exercise and eat right!  Yes, that certainly is my goal.  But in the meantime, I get even more anxiety just thinking about not having something I can turn to for a quick fix.  It's giving up a type of security blanket.  I know that's not healthy, but it's the truth.

I swallowed my pride and finally admitted to my current doctor that I might need that medication again.  He had not ever prescribed that for me.  What I liked (and maybe didn't at the same time) was that he warned me about the potential for addiction to that one particular quick-acting medication that I had been on before and that it shouldn't be used all the time.  I did express how I don't actually like taking it and that I mainly used it to get back to sleep if my mind was racing.  I had used it a few other times during extrememly stressful situations during waking hours, but mainly for sleep purposes.  He suggested a low dose medication that is a daily pill and even though I am okay with drinking every day, I wanted to reject that idea that I "need" a pill to be okay.  What's the difference?  I think it's an admission that maybe my brain just doesn't work correctly or that I just am not strong enough to handle stress.  Obviously I can't handle it correctly if I feel the need to drink though, right?  Not the want to drink, the need to drink.

So, now what?  I am at the point of change.  I think I am going to give the medication a try.  I want to see how it makes me feel and if I can change my coping skills.  Maybe I won't need it forever.  Maybe it will give me the relaxation I desire without the limitations that drinking or other drugs have had on me.  Maybe if I can get that little bit of clarity I can make healthier choices and learn to cope through positive methods.  Hell, I would probably lose a bunch of weight too!  Alcohol is super high in calories and that isn't helping anything, even if I am eating better.

I need to trust in myself that I can do this.  I have started facing myself and need to let people in on what I've learned.  I can't just tell the people I love to read my blog to see how I feel, I have to maybe actually express it sometimes.  (Yikes!) That has been so difficult for me in the past.  I want to get better.  I need to get better.  I am really close to being ready, but the first step is a doozy...

To My Father

For the past few days I have felt some kind of overall sadness that I couldn't put my finger on.  It didn't have anything to do with the changes in my life, work, financial stresses or anything else.  I have just felt...heaviness in my heart and couldn't explain it.

This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die.  It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life.  Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.

I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me.  While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different.  I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.

My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what.  Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay."  I always believed him.  He was right.  There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand.  He calmed me when I needed it the most.  He was calming, but he also had a fun side.

My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life.  When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried.  You couldn't help but laugh too.  He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well.  People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few.  That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.

My dad was a goof-ball.  He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy.  He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly.  One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side.  Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth.  Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)

He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town.  The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.

My dad loved music.  I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music.  He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music.  He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies.  In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band.  He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me.  I still don't know how he did that.

I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:

The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.

It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks 
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.

Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.

One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.

Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family.  Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters.  Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay.  I miss you and I love you.  I will carry you with me in my heart forever.

Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits.  I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.

Getting Comfortable

There have been a lot of things in the past month or so that have been emotionally charged, but have been so wonderful for me and my marriage.  I have thought so much about what I love about the person I'm married to and what had slowly gone by the wayside over time that I missed.  I missed our long night conversations that we had in the beginning of our relationship.  I missed the "new car smell" of discovering someone else.  I missed learning about someone else's views on life.

I suppose that's the way most relationships go, losing the newness of it all.  I feel like we have that newness back again.  It's great, emotional, passionate, but also a bit scary.  Why is scary good?  I don't really know the answer to that, just that it's not stagnant like most relationships get over time.  Comfortable?  Predicable?  Why might that feel so boring?  I guess that the excitement of learning someone else's little idiosyncrasies, secrets or true feelings tend to fade away over time.  Why can't I be more comfortable with the predictable?  I'm not sure about that either.  Is anyone comfortable with that or is it just...numbness?

I feel like we get too set in our ways that we think we always know what our significant others (or anyone close to us) are thinking that we don't stop to consider that people can actually change.  We all change over time.  Not just in something like what me and my spouse are experiencing, but all of us.  People can change their beliefs, their opinions, their thought processes.  How do we convince others who have known us for a long period of time that we have grown?  That's a difficult thing to accept.  We have a pre-conceived notion about who a person is that maybe we sometimes stifle what they are becoming.

I'm actually quite excited to see this new side of my spouse.  It feels like a completely new relationship, even though we have been together so long.  Things are changing about how we communicate, how we relate to each other and even our compassion for each other.  It's hard to let go of past assumptions of feelings sometimes, but we are getting there.

Something has shifted in my mind.  I don't think of my spouse as "him" anymore.  When I talk about "him," I think "her" now.  When I think of the future, I think of us as a lesbian couple.  When I'm talking to people, I want to say the female name or use the prounoun "her."  I feel badly when I see "him" because I know that isn't the person who is really inside.  The male part now has become the costume instead of the female.  It's not that I can't handle seeing "him" or that I'm not comfortable, but I just know that it's frustrating for my spouse to live a dual life.

There have been so many significant moments lately where family and friends have become acquainted with her and seem to be more and more comfortable.  For me, the hardest thing is to see "him" walk through the door after work, knowing that "he" had to pretend all day not to be who she really is.  I am actually excited now for the moment when it becomes full-time, just so the duality ceases to be and we can just be ourselves both as individuals, and as this new couple.

There are so many new things on the horizion to look forward to that I feel a sense of renewal in my life.  I don't know where it might go, but I have hope that things will be much better for both of us.  I am gaining a new sense of myself, so is she.  I sure hope both of us feel after the full transition like we can walk this new path together, but I don't feel so afraid anymore if we had to each walk our own paths.  Maybe it's kind of like the saying, "If you love someone, set them free..."  and now I feel like we both have the freedom to be ourselves no matter what.  At this moment, I feel more in love than ever and so proud of how each of us have grown so far.  We are letting each other in to all of our true feelings and trying to let go of the past.  Just live in the moment, right? :)

Letting go

We finally came out to everyone in our lives that matter the most to us.  All my immediate family, all her immediate family and close friends.  At this point, I don't really care anymore who knows or doesn't know about us.  For the most part, everyone has been really supportive even if they are confused or concerned.  Still it really is only her mother and one of her sisters who isn't being supportive yet.  I am so thankful that I have such an amazing family and that we have friends who are open enough to accept us as we are, no matter what.

It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out.  A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders.  For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with.  There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew.  I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that.  Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent.  That's a wonderful thing.  In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier.  There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.

I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew.  I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive.  It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me.  I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.

I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago.  I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason.  Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty.  Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.

My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago.  It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public.  We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw.  My sister is an emotional creature and always has been.  I was always the cautious and worried one.   So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time.  Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about.  The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly.  I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core.  ***Spoiler alert for the movie***  The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister.  No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second.  We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what.  I have never trusted any other relationship like that.

I'm starting to trust people again.  Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself.  Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people.  I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown.  I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway.  I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.

Letting more people in

The past few weeks have been emotionally draining, but also wonderful.  Coming out to my spouse's family that my husband is transgendered was good, bad, but also has lead to other things to move the transition forward.

Most of the family was amazingly supportive and I feel such a tremendous relief that no matter what happens with our marriage, she will have family to be there.  I guess there was a part of me that felt a bit of a burden that I was the only one who really knew and could be there for my spouse in the emotions of this secret.  I am so grateful for the genuine outpouring of love and feel like this is going to create a really strong bond among all of us.

The negative reactions weren't real surprising.  Her mother of course, is quite confused and isn't handling it very well.  I didn't expect her to be supportive but frankly, don't really care if she's upset.  She has never been emotionally supportive of any of her children and maybe it is a good thing that she has to face what kind of person she has been.  It's the same thing with one of the sisters.  She too has not been emotionally supportive of anyone but herself and she might have to take a look in the mirror.

Today is another day of telling some people who are really important in our lives.  As nervous as I am about telling the people who are really close friends of "his", I am also relieved.  We won't have to pretend anymore.  I am sad for them that they are going to have to face losing one of the people who have been really important in their lives, but hopeful that they might be able to accept the change.

We still have to tell most of my family.  It's not that I haven't been ready to do that, but the timing hasn't worked out quite yet.  Each one of these talks is incredibly emotional, whether it's positive or negative.  It's exposing your emotions to others and that has been draining for both of us.  It's also a lot of work because people do want to continue to talk and we haven't been this social in a very long time.

We have made some important steps and she has been so brave.  I'm so proud of her that she is becoming the person she has always felt on the inside.  We went to a wig shop together, we went out on the town together and she even went to the last therapy session en femme.  I am amazed at the amount of courage she has and am so proud to be married to someone with that kind of inner strength.  I'm actually finding the strength within myself too.  I have found that to be strong, you also need to be vulnerable.  Being closed off and putting up emotional barriers isn't the kind of strength I thought it was.

I had an epiphany last night.  The feminine side of this person is the one I actually fell in love with in the first place.  When we first met, the personality was more like the one I am seeing right now.  It didn't really occur to me that over time things had changed with the personality until I started seeing it again.  I could never really put my finger on what was changing, but now I see that it was just a gradual withdrawal from each other.  I'm so happy that we have started going back to what we were in the beginning of our relationship.  Like the Wizard of Oz said...the answer was in front of us all along.

Finding balance and getting back to being me

At this particular stage, not everyone in my life knows what I am going through but the ones who do have been incredibly supportive.  I have been having some struggles within myself simply not knowing how to find my balance.  Who am I, where do I fit into this world and what do I need?  You know, the little questions. :)

The focus of so much in my life right now has revolved around my spouse and doing whatever I can to be supportive.  I find new clothes for her, we talk about what changes are to come in our lives because of the transition and all the feelings for both of us in relation to that.  It's not surprising that this has been the focus, of course it is.  It's a big change and we want to make sure we're doing all we can in order to be realistic but also support each other and make our marriage a good one.

I find myself with any of my alone time just wanting to learn more about the transgender issue.  I spend so much of my time researching, reading blogs, and watching videos.  I've been staying up too late and not sleeping enough.  I know I need to research things to get a better understanding of what might be happening for us both, but it's consuming most of my "me" time.  When I go shopping without her, I find myself looking for things she'll like and what will look good on her.

I also don't ever want to do things without her anymore.  I used to go out with friends more.  I used to do crafts by myself or with friends more.  Now, anything I do outside of the house without her makes me feel guilty.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I can't help what I feel sometimes.  I think the guilt comes from me knowing that my spouse is just sitting at home and if she's dressed, isn't going to go anywhere.  She's stuck there until the time when she's finally ready to go out in public and I don't want her to feel lonely.

I ask myself if my obsession with finding out all I can about transgender issues and the shopping thing is bit of an avoidance behavior.  Am I avoiding something about myself that I don't want to face?  It's easier to focus on someone else's issues than to have to look in the mirror.  So, I'm trying to figure out what that thing is.

I was reading another blog today about a wife's anxieties with her spouse not making the commitment to go all the way with the transition and just live somewhere in the middle. That brought some of what I'm fearing to light.  When I read her blog, I was thinking to myself that it was really unfair of her spouse to leave her sitting in limbo not knowing what is going to happen.  It occurred to me that I might be going so full steam ahead with this because I don't want to be back in that limbo with my spouse.  It's uncomfortable not knowing what's going to happen.

I fear how much I love my spouse and how deeply I am connecting with her.  I fear that opening up my heart is dangerous because maybe she will change so much that we don't connect anymore.  What if she decides she want someone else and leaves?  What if I can't handle it and I leave?  Oh the "what ifs..."  I feel myself shutting down and putting the wall up again.  It seems to happen right after having beautifully touching moments or great nights with her, which seems odd to me but probably makes sense.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, the uncertainty.  If we just hurry up and "get this over with", maybe I'll have the answers I need.  Then I will know one way or the other if our marriage is going to survive.  Yes, I know...that is ridiculous.  People grow and change, marriages change even without dealing with a transgender issue.  Surgery, no surgery, what the hormones might do, what our relationship will become, none of that changes the fact that I am in a marriage right now.  We are in a good place right now and I need to be in the moment more.

I can't rush this.  I can't push too much and as much as I am in this too, the transition is not my struggle.  Yes, the changes in our marriage are both of our struggle, but I cannot control my spouse's emotions or decisions on transitioning.  I can't put a checklist and timeline on when the transition will be "complete."  I can be supportive and be open about myself, but I need to just relax.

Writing about this does help a lot.  It helps me see when I am being rational or irrational and what some of the root causes might be behind my behavior or anxiety.  It forces me to slow down and really think about things.  I can also look back and see things I have overcome and remind myself that I got through other struggles and am strong enough to face the challenges ahead.

I am going to start doing more for myself.  I need to find happiness in my passions again.  I was asked to put together a cooking class for a group of women who take art classes.  I am excited about that.  It will be a fairly big project and I can go have fun doing something that I love.  Hey, I might even make a few bucks doing it!

My spouse needs time to herself too.  She needs time to process everything going on and find her own things that make her happy.  I cannot make her go out of the house dressed, that decision is up to her.  I've decided to let that go.  I have to let go of any guilt I feel for being happy within myself so I can find my balance.

Connections

Something I've been thinking a lot about is connections to other people.  I always saw myself as kind of a loner.  I never really felt like I truly fit in, even though I got along with pretty much everyone.  I haven't had a lot of connections in my life where I trusted other people enough to share my feelings on such a deep level.  Lately, however, with "coming out" to more people, I have begun to realize that the connections I have made are quite important.  I've also started making new connections with people due to this amazing thing called the internet.

Can you imagine what something like the transitioning process for a transgender person or a couple dealing with transgender issues would be like before the internet?  What are the odds that other people would be able to relate to what you are going through before that?  It must have been really lonely.  How would you do research?  How would you know what other people in your situation feel like?  It would be difficult and much harder to do anonymously.

I have been talking to some really great people through my connections I've made simply by searching on the internet.  I was really afraid at first to even research the subject on the internet of couples dealing with trans issues because I didn't want to see the bad news.  Couples who broke up because of it, finding out what the transitioning person really feels like, maybe things I didn't want to think about.  When I did finally give in though, I eventually found great support and people who could relate to what was happening in my life.  Sure, I did find the bad things too, but everyone has different situations and perspectives.  I didn't feel so alone because I found other people in the world who felt like I do.  I didn't feel so weird for being someone who could accept the situation and embrace changes to come.  I gathered the strength to actually email some people, comment on some blogs, and found that there were people out there who I've never met that I feel a connection with who I could be honest with about my feelings.

In a way, I think it was almost easier to talk to the people I met over the internet than people I have known for years when talking about this issue.  I don't have to censor myself, I don't have to consider past relationships or behaviors or how what I say might affect a relationship with someone I have in everyday life.  Is that any less of an important connection though, if you don't know someone face to face?  Yes, I have the luxury of thinking out anything you are going to write to someone over the internet, but I also have the freedom of not having any preconceived notions of who I am or what I may have been in the past.  I think we sometimes get stuck in patterns with our relations with people we've known for years where we act a certain way or censor things we might say because of history.  I need to know that we all grow over time so sometimes the actions or reactions I expect might not be what I think they will be.

Another realization I have had is about the connections I have had all along that I never knew were so strong.  (It's been in front of you all along Dorothy)  Maybe I did know it, but had trust issues and had expectations of being disappointed by people.  In going through this journey, I have found that the people I have chosen to surround myself with are people I can trust with my emotions.  I go back to a quote, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  It's the truth.  I am prepared that some people will have difficulty dealing with our situation and am prepared that I may lose connections in the process.  I was less prepared for how little it really mattered to the people who truly care about us.  I have realized now that the people who truly care about me and my spouse are there for us no matter what comes our way.

I am so grateful for the people I have connected with.  They may not always understand my views or what I am going through, but they will be there for me and my spouse no matter what.  They ask questions, they probe for further understanding, but the ultimate question is if we are happy.  That is the true question.  That is the test of a true friend, if they just want for your happiness.

What's my point?  I just wanted to acknowledge the importance of finding connection, whether they are new ones or recognizing what you have had all along.  I also want to thank the people who have been there for me and have been helping me on my journey.  I could not have gotten to a better place within myself without such tremendous people to help inspire me or just be there to listen.  I'm feeling like less of a loner and stronger just being myself.