People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Holidays and Reflection

Gosh, it's been a long time since I've posted anything.  I suppose that is a good sign?  I don't feel such anxiety about my spouse and what she is going through.  I got a new job that has changed my whole attitude.  I have been diving deep into self-reflection. Even if it's messy at times learning how to feel things again, it's worth it.

What is it about the holidays that tends to toy with emotions so much?  It is supposed to be a time of year to sit back and reflect on the past year, appreciate loved ones and connect with people in the spirit of appreciation and love.  It can also be a type of funhouse mirror that distorts perception, exaggerates feelings and amplifies disappointments with ourselves and others.  

What struck me this year is that my family has become more and more distant in the past 5 years.  Since my father passed away, it just isn't quite the same at the major holidays.  As a family, we don't make as much effort or know how to be happy in the times we are supposed to feel the greatest bond.  I skipped spending time with my sisters and their families at Thanksgiving and there is no plan at the moment to get together for Christmas.  I am conflicted about this because there is a part of me that is relieved not to have the stress of attempting to "put on a good show" for the sake of the holidays when I'm missing my dad. I also miss my family and hate the fact that I don't feel as comfortable with them as I used to.  

I am not quite sure how to interact with my family at times.  We don't necessarily share our feelings on a deep and honest level.  I tend to avoid conflict and am not very direct about my feelings because I don't want to burden them if they are possibly feeling badly too.  I sense that we all feel disconnected and none of us know how to fix it.  I don't think it's impossible to get back to a place where my family and I can be happy and present with each other in moments where we feel close again, but I don't know that any of us really knows how to start.

On the flip side, my spouse's family seems to be getting to a better place with acceptance of each other.  Not just accepting my spouse, but I feel like each of them have been more open and honest about themselves.  It's been nice to see the slow transformation and openness of their feelings about everything in their lives.

I have been extremely grateful for friends lately.  I go back and forth on how much I communicate with my friends, but every time I connect with them, I'm happy that I did.  The reason I may stop communication at times isn't because of them, still my own reluctance to let anyone in on my feelings.  I'm trying really hard not to isolate, but it's something I'm so used to it can be difficult at times to reach out to anyone.  Friends are the family you choose.  They have been the people I can count on and rely on for support that sometimes family cannot give because of their deep ties to the past.  Friends don't necessarily have the past perceptions family may have.  Friends can sometimes accept the changes a person makes better than family can.

My new job has brought out a lot of confidence in myself.  I finally have some of the validation that I am good at my job, I am appreciated, and I can make a difference.  I knew a lot of that deep down, but so many years of dealing with a boss who has difficulty accepting the knowledge or experience of others, trusting others or trusting themselves really took a toll on me.  The "people-pleaser" in me felt like a failure, even though I did actually feel confident about my abilities.  I'm working on that aspect of myself, needing the validation from others, but it does feel good to be recognized for my accomplishments over the years that have led me to have the knowledge and capabilities I have now.

There is not much new in the way of the transition with my spouse.  She's still living her "full-time" life and becoming more and more accepted by everyone.  We are both very much looking forward to the future and the possiblity of her surgery.  I would love for her to finally get the feeling of being her true, complete self.  I don't necessarily thing the actual surgery will change much between us, but I'm looking forward to finding out how it changes her self-esteem and self-confidence.  All that is standing in our way at the moment is the out-of -pocket costs of the surgery.  Most is covered by insurance, but it is not a cheap surgery, so we still need to save up to make that happen.

We have been working on being in an open relationship.  Right now, it is all on my side...the openness.  I feel a bit guilty about it at times, but also understand that until she has the body she was "supposed" to have, she doesn't feel comfortable exploring her own sexuality.  I have realized that my own sexuality is a part of myself I'm not ashamed of and actually like.  I've gotten to express that part of myself and it has helped me not only deal with my past, but has helped in the communication within our marriage about each of our needs.  

We've discussed the fact that just because one of us may not be able to provide every single thing the other needs, it doesn't mean we don't love and support one another.  As long as there is honesty about what is happening, it is possible that the marriage can survive.  I know that is very controversial and upsetting to a lot of couples.  That's okay, everyone needs to do what is right for them and I am not saying this is the right decision for every couple.  That is up to each couple.  The reality of our situation, however, doesn't allow me to get everything I need and may not provide everything she may need in the future.  What we do know is how much we love each other and what we have in our relationship, so it is our choice.

So, that's where we're at now.  We're pretty close to the new year and even if there are still some questions, room for self-improvement, or areas we need to work on as a couple, I feel pretty fantastic about the upcoming year.  I wish everyone a good reflection of the past year and a positive attitude about what can be accomplished in the new year.