Thoughts and Updates

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything.  Time flies and we don't... 

So...my marriage is still going strong.  It's pretty much settled back into a regular marriage.  Day to day activities, routine, working and back to what feels like our "normal."  I think we are in some ways stronger than we've ever been because we communicate a lot more than we used to.  Overall, things between my spouse and I are pretty great right now. 

I usually tend to keep this blog purely about my own thoughts and feelings and try not to get political or speak for any transgendered person.  I can't exactly speak for them because I have no true understanding of how it feels to live that life.  I can empathize and sympathize, but that is the best I can do.  I will never understand the internal struggles.  I don't presume to know everything about being transgendered because my spouse is.  I do, however, have a far better education about it than most of the general public, so I'm going to rant a bit...

First of all, I want to say that I'm proud that the transgender (and all spectrums of gender identity and sexuality) issues are being spoken about.  It's important for people to realize that it isn't a fad, it isn't like people are just trying to "be cool" by becoming part of that community.  It is real.  It is a terribly difficult existence for a lot of people, especially before it was publicy discussed.  We should all be able to live authentically and as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, we should all be afforded that right.  

The issue of trans people being unable to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with is one that is particularly upsetting to me.  It feels to me a lot like stepping backwards to when it was legal in our country to have separate bathrooms, fountains or lunch counters for "colored" people.  It's bullshit.  The arguments are not valid ones.  

First, it seems the bathroom issue is mainly targeted at MTF trans people.  The argument I have heard is that people are afraid of letting their children go into a bathroom where someone who was technically born a biological man might be.  I honestly don't understand any of the arguments surrounding this issue.  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  Men's bathrooms do as well, and chances are that most trans men would choose to simply use a stall instead of a urinal.  Children aren't going to see any trans woman or men exposing private parts to them.  If people have a fear of that, they are so grossly uninformed about how trans people feel.  In my experience, they are extremely conscientious and are of just trying to fit in without being noticed and doing everything they can so they don't make others uncomfortable because of their differences.

I feel that what people are afraid of is pedophilia, not transgendered people.  Pedophilia is sick and wrong,  but it has nothing to do with this conversation.  It is terribly offensive to assume there is any correlation between trans peple and criminal acts, especially against children.  Pedophiles can be men or women, and they may target children of either the same sex or opposite sex.  You might as well just not even take your child into public if you are that afraid of your child perhaps crossing paths with a stranger who may or may not be a pedophile.  

As a cis-gendered woman, I honestly don't give a shit about who uses what bathrooms.  Ever.  I wouldn't care if a cis-gendered guy came in and used the women's room.  I've used plenty of men's rooms with no incidents...their lines are usually WAY shorter and when you have to go...you have to go.  Again, there are always bathroom stalls, even in men's rooms.  You always have privacy when you're going to the bathroom in a stall.  If someone is looking under or over the stall...yes, please notify authorities.  Otherwise, just LET PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM.  

I don't know that there is a lot I can do to help the cause, to make a difference with the LGBTQ community, but I sometimes feel like I should be more vocal in some way.  I influence people in my immediate circles and I have written this blog to attempt to give support to both trans people and the ones who love them.  I want people to know that love is love, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, or whatever else may separate us from the herd.  We're all unique and that's okay.  

The trans people I know, have spoken to, or have read about are quite courageous in my opinion.  They have, against all the fears society may have about them, chosen to live their authentic lives.  How many people can honestly say they are committed to being their authentic selves?  How many of us even know what that means?  It's not always easy to know exactly who you are and what your internal "truth" is.  To be brave enough to express yourself no matter the consequences of how society views you is an admirable thing.  

I am a much better person for having my spouse in my life.  I have learned what courage is.  I have learned more about what true love is.  I have a more complete understanding of humanity and that we are all just trying to navigate life in the best way we know how, so compassion and empathy are of the upmost importance.  We can all learn from each other if we only open up and listen.

People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Don't we want the best for our partners?

It's been quite awhile since I have posted anything.  Lots of things happening with me personally, but also things that I've been thinking about coming up for my spouse as well.  Gosh, things have been so confusing at times.

For my spouse, it's coming up on a year of the "full time" status, so surgery is the next step.  I'm so excited for her that she will finally match the body she has always wanted.  There are a few hiccups around that area though.

Insurance only pays for a portion of surgery, so the remainder is our repsonsibility.  For her, she wants to keep the cost of the surgery, travel, and recovery expenses to a minimum.  I get angry about that.  I do not want her, for any reason, to skimp on any part of surgery.  I want her to have the best possible surgery available.  I want her to have a surgeon who understands what it feels like to have gone through this particular experience.

I understand that she wants to consider our financial situation, the impact of the surgery on what we would owe, etc, but I got very angry with her thinking about trying to keep things cheap because of me or us.  I don't think that is unreasonable.  She would not want me to get anything other than the best treatment if I had some ailment that was impeding my quaility of life, why should I want less for her?  I want to know that the surgery is the best possible service and follow-up care available.  I don't care the cost of it.  I want nothing but the best possible outcome for so many reasons.

What spouse would want anything but the best surgery for the person they are married to?  Why wouldn't I want her to have a surgeon who has experienced the exact surgery, but who also can perform it so wonderfully with great follow-up care?

I'm trying to be open-minded about all possible surgeons, but I have done a ton of research and want the very best for her.  If anyone has suggestions, recommendations, or experiences to share, I would love to hear feedback about where the best possible facility would be to have the surgery done.

On other notes...I have gone through some personal revalations, trials/tribulations, etc.  It's so hard to think about the past and what has been such an impact on your life.  Especially when it comes to sex. It took me a very long time to even say the words that I was a victim of "sexual abuse."  I have spoken about this before.  What tripped me up most recently is my counselor suggesting that I write  letter to "the guy" as myself at the age it happened.  I had written angry letters before as my adult self, but not as the vulnerable young person I was when it happened.

Curiously, I had a very strange reaction to attempting to put myself in the frame of mind when I was at the age I was back then.  I started panicking, got scared, got very dark within myself.  I couldn't write anything.  I drank a lot instead.  I numbed it.  I cried.  I got angry.  I didn't know what to do.  I got aa bit angry with the counselor for even suggesting what she  did, writing the letter.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be feeling right now, but it's terribly confusing.  Maybe I'm supposed to be dealing with the past, maybe I'm supposed to be contemplating the future, but either way, it feels so uncomfortable that I'm not sure what to do with these feelings.

How do you get over the past and move on???

My spouse wants me to deal with my past, I want her to deal realistically with her future.  How do we come to good compromises?

Can a Polyamorous Marriage Work?

I haven't posted in quite awhile, there has been a lot going on with self-discovery, thinking about my relationships, thinking about my wants and needs, and just evaluating where I'm at and where I want to be.  Part of that is returning to counseling, part of it is the medication, but I think most of it is the communication I've had with my spouse.  We have decided to become a Polyamorous couple now.  I never thought that was something we could actually consider, but sometimes events occur and are a catalyst for the inevitable. 

Going back to counseling has been a wonderful thing for me.  I thought I had been given the proper tools though books or insight (or perhaps just stubbornness) to figure things out myself without having to go to counseling again.  I was wrong.  I forgot what it was like to have someone who could listen objectively and ask seemingly simple, but very tough questions.  I think we forget sometimes to take a step back and ask the simple questions.  What do YOU want.  How does that make YOU feel.  Why do you think YOU reacted that way?  I had forgotten about myself.  I spoke about it in a previous post, but it came crashing down on me that I had forgotten about myself and my needs.  I was ignoring some pretty serious issues that were causing tension in my marriage and other relationships.

I had felt for a long time that I couldn't, or shouldn't, say anything that might upset my spouse because I thought it might set her back in her progress of finding her true self during her transition.  Maybe it was the right thing to do, maybe not.  What happened was that there were so many feelings bottled up inside me that we became more and more distant with each other.  We pretended things were okay, but we didn't really talk about it.  It began to build resentment and anger on both our parts that things were getting strained, but we continued not talking about it.  If we pretended things were okay, maybe they would become okay again, right?

We had discussed the idea of open marriage on a few occasions, which was uncomfortable for both of us.  I didn't want to need anything from anyone other than her.  She wanted to believe she could give me everything I need, even if I have historically been heterosexual.  The two ideas simply don't mesh.  I have physical needs as a woman. My spouse had started opening up and things in the bedroom were vastly better than before, but it still isn't the same as being with a man.  As much as I have enjoyed our intimacy since the legal name and gender change, I wanted to be lusted after and needed by someone for sexual fulfillment.  I wanted to be wanted.  A situation was presented to me that was the catalyst to a major change in our marriage.   I saw someone look at me with that look of lust.  I responded to the looks and it stirred things in me that I forgot existed.  

I didn't know how to talk to her about my feelings except to just mention that I was being flirted with by someone and that it was flattering.  I saw the look in her eyes that she understood what I meant, but we still didn't really discuss it in depth right away.  At some point, I started feeling the pull of that desire and the feelings I'd been pushing down about my sexual needs and those desires came out in a discussion one night.  We talked about it and she gave in to the idea that I should be able to fulfill something once in awhile on the side.  I was doubtful that it would work, but a little excited at the prospect.  After our discussion where she gave me a "pass" to fulfill something she could no longer give me, she got very quiet the next day.  We discussed it the day after and it got very intense, with discussions that our marriage may not work out after all.  

I was devastated by the thought of my spouse not being willing to "bend the rule" of a traditional marriage...and very angry.  During the transition, I had been forced to think about and accept that my spouse would be changing to the opposite gender, try and reconcile that I am not a lesbian (bi-curious would be a better description) but still love my spouse and I was willing to try working on those issues to make our marriage work.  I was angry that I had done so much thinking about what I could accept from my spouse's gender change, what I would need to sacrifice and what that meant for our marriage...but the first sign of me needing something that made her uncomfortable felt like a deal breaker.  I asked her, "What did you really expect?  I'm not a lesbian.  I like sex with men."  It was a bit volitile because I let things out I hadn't expressed in the year and a half to two years she has been going through the transition process.  

I felt I deserved a piece of my life back too.  I felt I deserved some understanding that something I need might be uncomfortable for her, just as her transition was uncomfortable for me.  It wasn't that I didn't support her, but I just wanted her to think for a moment how this must be making me feel.  Yes, I knew she was confused when we first got together.  She also knew my stance that I will probably always need sex with a man.  I had to consider, from the very beginning of serious talks about transition, every scenario she might go through with her hormonal changes, desires, need to befriend women, possible sexual attractions, my role in supporting her with family and friends, etc.  I was angry she hadn't even considered what my position might be in the situation up to that point, or that if she had, we had never discussed it seriously.  I felt forgotten completely, like everything since the decision to go forward with transition revolved around her.  It wasn't totally her fault, I didn't let my needs be known, but I still wanted her to recognize what I might be going through too.

I thought a lot about what my drive was for being with a man again.  For me, it was about being desired and recapturing a youth I never really had.  I grew up too fast.  I was beholden my whole life to other people, especially when it came to sex and relationships.  That was before I met the person I married.  When I met my spouse, I found someone who fulfilled me in every way a relationship should...except sexually.  I was ashamed of what I wanted and she wasn't as experienced or kinky as I was.  I think I subconsciously chose to be with my spouse because it validated my own shame about what I like in a sexual way.  I didn't want to want the things I did, but the desire was there.

It's very confusing when your first sexual experience is "abusive."  That phrase, "sexual abuse" is still extremely difficult for me to say.  I was willing, I liked it...so it wasn't abusive, right?  I was far too young and the other person was a much older married man who took advantage of a young girl just seeking some kind of connection. It happened over the course of a few weeks, so I became quite confused about the whole situation.  That experience  and subsequent experiences impacted me in a way that might actually help explain my current situation.  It isn't healthy, it is just a fact.  I have completely detached my sexuality from my emotions.  I conditioned myself not to care about sexual acts because the first, and many after that, resulted in a deep shame within myself.  I was capable of breaking my moral standards and I had been used by many men... then discarded.  I had to shut my emotions out of sexual activity out of a sense of protecting myself from further heartbreak and shame about what I'd done. 

I finally realized that the problems my spouse and I had in the bedroom were not just her fault.  We couldn't connect on the same levels.  I couldn't connect emotionally, she couldn't connect physically.  We both had things to learn about ourselves, each other and how we work together as a couple.  I am able to be open to emotionally connecting with other women without me being involved.  She has been able to accept my need to physically connect with a man from time to time.  Neither of those things mean that we feel less for each other.  

Eventualy, I did end up sharing a few experiences with someone else, and it did fufill something I felt I was missing.  I was able to express a part of myself I had been hiding and was ashamed of.  I was able to re-claim something within myself that had plagued me for years.  I didn't have to feel so vulnerable to my sexuality, I could be in control of it and enjoy it without the shame that had haunted me for most of my life.  I could admit that I am a sexual person, and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me.

The amazing thing is that I think this experience brought us closer together than ever.  It sounds weird, but it opened us both up to talking about things we never talked about before.  What we need, who we really are, where our life might be going.  Hard topics, but it was good for us to communicate in a loving and understanding way about what each of us was experiencing without anger or resentment.  I am excited to hear about her connections with others.  She isn't ready to hear about mine yet, but that's okay.  I have been honest about the few times I have indulged in what I have needed in a physical sense, but respect that she doesn't need to hear any details.  I think there is a part of her that feels more freedom that she can explore relationships with other people too without it being a threat to our marriage.  The key is the open communication.    

The whole situation and decision to become a Polyamorous couple was a very valuable lesson for us both.  My spouse was able to admit that there was a part of her that was angry or felt guilty that she couldn't provide everything I need.  I felt angry or guilty that I was not able to be the only person she was emotionally connected to.  I realized what I was really looking for with having a sexual connection with another person was to be desired by someone who wanted me to reciprocate.  Yes, I understand that there is a component of someone being trans* that inhibits their ability to allow someone to focus on their body, but that can leave a void in the relationship.  Human beings want to feel connection on some level.  Some of us need physical connections, some of us need emotional connections.  Neither is better or worse, more or less valuable to our well-being.  In my mind, to feel truly connected in either sense requires reciprocation.  

We are both very realistic people.  We don't know that a Polyamorous relationship can work forever.  It would be nice, but might not work in the long run.  We are both at a very good point within ourselves and with each other.  It's still a little awkward to discuss that we do have interests in other people, but in a way it's very freeing.  I'm hopeful that we can keep the core relationship of everyday living as it is, but be able to explore other sides of ourselves with other people at the same time.  If either of us found "that person" who fulfills all of our needs and desires and vice-versa, I think we would be happy for one another and we could part on good terms.  The realist in me says that it just isn't possible and being open to loving multiple people might be the best way to live a fulfilling life.  What a wonderful world it could be.

Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

So....What Now?

I asked my spouse just before she received the official documentation designating her as female with her new name about how she would feel once she accomplished that goal.  I basically said, "So now what?"  By that, I meant what would she focus on once the goal was met.

I asked the question mainly out of curiosity.  I enjoy thinking about the human psyche.  What does any person do once they have obtained a goal they have been so focused on for so many years?  What I imagined in my head was that finally getting something which has been a lifelong goal would somehow feel strangely empty.  I'm not sure why exactly I think that.  I suppose I have never had such a strong longing to achieve something, so couldn't imagine what you do after that.

This is a strange point to be at with the transition.  There aren't any other really big milestones to reach besides the actual surgery now.  Surgery can't happen for quite awhile anyhow because of the guidelines about how long she needs to be living "full time" as a woman and saving up for the amount we would need to pay out of pocket for it.  Insurance covers a large portion, but it's not a cheap surgery.  So, now we wait. 

At the time I asked the "Now what?" quesiton, I thought I was simply asking about how she felt about it.  I realize now that I was asking myself the same question.  So much of the past year and a half of my life has been spent thinking about all the implications of how every part of the transition will affect each of us as individuals and how it will impact the relationship.  So much of the focus has been on her that sometimes I forget to think about myself.  More accurately, maybe I don't want to think about myself.

It's hard for me to think about the waiting period until surgery, but it's also more difficult to imagine afterward.  Once there is no other milestone to focus on, how do I set new goals?  How do we figure out new goals as a couple?  It's foreign to me to think about just living a day to day life without some kind of drama, something to worry about, something to be excited about, something to fear...something that keeps me moving forward.    

I have tried to do some small things for myself, like being more creative with my artwork in my spare time or write about my feelings, but I haven't really set any goals for myself or have been able to even think about life after the surgery.  I keep telling myself that I will start working on getting better at healthy coping skills, exercise, spend more time with friends and family, and stop focusing so much on my spouse.  It's really difficult not to focus on her because she is going through so much and having these wonderful realizations and milestones.  It feels really important that I support her during this period and not add my own frustrations, fears or needs into the mix.  Yes, I know that is classic co-dependent behavior...I'm working on it. 

Maybe that is the difference between people who suffer from depression/anxiety and people who don't.  Perhaps those of us who have the combination of depression and anxiety need a reason why we feel the (sometimes) ridiculous things we do.  Without a reason, that means we have to deal with the fact that it isn't necessarily our situation that is causing the feelings.  It's also possible that we choose difficult situations subconsciously to distract us from the chaos in our own minds.  That could be easier than admitting that the irrational thoughts and feelings could be an actual imbalance in the brain.  I'm not sure why it's so hard to admit the brain might simply be mis-wired. 

I have (literally just now) had the realization of what the uncomfortable part of where my spouse's transition is.  Now that she has reached her personal goal, I am going to have to start being accountable for my own feelings.  I can't place any focus or blame on my own feelings toward her.  She's quite happy.  I need to get on board with this "happy" thing or do something about my own issues.  Some of the focus within our marriage might be pointed in my direciton.  Well...shit...

I've said it before, but I do think I was meant to be with my spouse for a reason.  As much as people think I'm "strong" or "brave" or whatever for supporting my spouse, I have learned equally as much about myself by being a part of it.  I need her just as much, if not more, than she needs me for support.  We're lucky to have each other and I hope everyone can find the mutual understanding and love we have for one another.  No matter what happens in the future, I will always cherish everything I have learned from being with her.  Her courage inspires me and gives me hope that maybe I can figure out what my true bliss is too.  

What's in a Name Change?

There have been some really exciting things happening for my spouse and I in the past few months.  It all happened quite quickly, so I haven't had too much time for writing lately.  It's been a whirlwind of paperwork and research, but we are both very happy with what has resulted.

We went to another appointment with the hormone doctor.  That went extremely well.  I always like to go along to show my support and to listen to all the things the doctor is saying.  I know it's always a bit of an intense experience for my spouse just with all the anticipation of what is the next step, making sure all things are in place on the timeline for transition, etc.

I have to say I think my presence and honesty with the doctor has played a big role in how well he understands the true support that my spouse has.  I'm not only focusing on positive or negative...I'm just truthful.  I think expressing only one way or the other would just be deceptive.  He's a wonderful doctor and honestly wants to know how I'm doing with everything.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think the fact that we are both honest with him has had an impact.  I express that yes, I do have some frustrations but that overall this is the best thing that could ever happen for my spouse and has been a wonderful thing for our marriage in the respect that we are both much more open an honest about our feelings...which isn't easy.  Good, absolutely...but not easy.

At the end of the appointment, he asked if we had any other questions.  We mentioned that she wanted to do the official name change, so he asked if she wanted the letter of affirmation.  She said yes, but didn't understand exactly what he was about to give us.  My spouse checked just for spelling, but didn't really read the letter until we had gotten home.  I knew what it meant.  It said she has had appropriate treatment to transition to the female gender.  Only later did it really hit her what it actually said.

That was "the" letter.  "The" letter is important for many reasons.  It's important not only to surgeons who will eventually be performing the GRS (or SRS or whatever it's called now) but it also allows for some legal document changes right now.  So, as it sank in for her what it meant, I began my research.

Every state is different on how they handle name and gender changes, so not all of what we experienced will happen to all of you who want this change, but what I want to emphasize is that you need to do your research.  The clerks and other state employees aren't real familiar with the process, so the more documentation you have ready for them, the better.  From what my spouse said, most of the clerks (really all females in our case) were kind of excited for something different.

The name change itself was not too big a deal.  I mean, yes...a big deal for us, but wasn't much trouble.  The entire process does cost some money, a few hundred bucks all together with all the filing fees, but totally worth it in the end.

In our case, we were able to petition for a "confidential name change."  This has a few implications.  In our state, if you want to change your name, you usually need to publish that in a newspaper for a few weeks in case you are trying to get out of some type of debt, etc. but there is another confidential form you can petition for if you have just cause and you are not trying to ellude some finincial difficulty.  We debated this because we don't really care if anyone knows, but it would publish the name and address.  You never know what stranger might have a problem with who you are and want to commit some crime against you.  That really was our only reason for going that route.  The name change doesn't affect the gender on anything.  It's just the name.  That all went through without a hitch.

In our state, the gender marker on the birth certificate cannot change until after surgery.  Bummer.  Right away, we were a little disappointed because we thought it would impact the driver's license.  I did more research and found out how to approach the other documents and I found out how we could get around that.

Social Security (which is Federal, not state) passed a law in something like 2003 that all you need to do in order to change the gender on your social security card is a letter of affirmation from a medical doctor.  Aha!  We had that!!!  Then came the driver's license.  In our state (and I'm assuming most others) the way they check the identity of someone during a name change at the DMV is if their social security number, name and gender all match.  They use the Social Security records.  So, as long as we changed the social security record first, then the DMV record, it all went through.  What a relief!

Both Social Security and the DMV went through with no problem except perhaps a bit more waiting time than the normal customer.  They just had to verify the documents and laws we presented to them. (I recommend highlighting the areas they need to focus on)

The biggest thing that has been such a worry for my spouse is having to explain the difference between what someone is seeing and the identification presented.  Sure, the birth certificate won't change until after surgery, but who cares?  Who really looks at that anyway?

I just thought I'd share the process we went through in case anyone else was having thoughts and concerns about how to approach it.  My advice is to look up the laws first yourself, print out what you find and highlight anything of importance for the clerks who have to decipher it.  Check with your state Vital Records office on their particular requirements for birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.

Long story short, my spouse now officially has a social security card and driver's license which indicates her new name as well as the appropriate gender.  We could not be more excited!

Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

Tips for maintaining a great wig

Hello ladies!  One of the big things for my spouse and I was the cost of wigs.  We wanted her to be able to have a great wig that looked very realistic.  This was especially important when she decided to go "full-time."  For my spouse, the wig is probably going to be a necessity forever as she began transition late in life (45 years old) and the male-pattern baldness in all reality will most likely always be a problem.

We are in the same situation as many of you are, I'm sure.  We don't have a ton of money to spend on these type of supplies.  They are a necessity for sure, but we can't afford to keep buying new wigs when the old ones get frizzy and you keep trimming until they are basically worthless.  Who are we kidding, most of us are not hairdressers, right?  

So, we found a great wig to start with before she decided to go full time.  It was economical, but didn't have a lace-front.  After several months, just before she went full-time, we saved enough to get a great lace-front wig.  It cost us about $ 200.00 (US)  It's synthetic, but looks fabulous.  It's very hard to tell that it isn't her natural hair.  After a month, however, it started having the "frayed" look that the previous wigs had.  This was very discouraging to both of us because we just couldn't afford to keep getting new wigs, and trimming it just messes up the whole look.  I mean, it doesn't grow back, right?  

We were told to never ever apply heat to the wig because it would forever damage it.  I did, however, find a way to recondition the wig at home by being VERY, VERY careful.  I found a website from a woman who has a condition who requires wearing a wig all the time and has the same monetary issue.  She described a way to recondition the wig that actually works to bring it back to the state it was in when we bought it.  Here is her description:  http://jeezlouise.net 

I will describe the technique, but beware that anything you try at home you do at your own risk.  I was petrified to try it, so I tried on one of the older wigs first before I tried it on a good one.  It's surprisingly easy, but there are a few key things you need:  A spray bottle with water (and I add a touch of wig conditioner to the water), A few hair clips, A bristle brush (which you should only use on wigs in this one specific application), a flat iron with a variable temperature.  **** The variable temperature is the key because you want very low heat.  Mine varies between 80 degrees F to about 200 degrees F (I don't know the conversion to Celsius - you're on your own there)  I turn it down to almost the lowest setting to do this, just to be on the safer side.  To prop the wig up, I use a tripod for a camera covered with a hand towel.  I've tried other things, but this seems to give me the best angles to work with. 

You take small sections of the hair and brush it flat, spray it with the water/conditioner mix, then quickly run the flat iron down the section of hair.  After that, run the bristle brush over the section to pull it straight.  *** Again, test this on an old wig first to get the feel for the right temperature and dampness ***  I use hair clips to section off the areas I have already done vs. the areas I still need to do.  

This re-straightens the wig from the little curly ends that get tangled and frizzy and it really looks like brand new.  I have pictures of what I do if anyone needs it, but I'm not going to post it right now.  (I do this blog on my iPad and it doesn't like inserting photos)  If anyone needs further advice or wants me to post pics, I sure will.

I hope that helps some of you out there, that was an issue we dealt with that I didn't hear people talk much about, so I thought I'd share, since I just got done re-conditioning her wig again.  Yes, she does know how to do it herself, but I actually enjoy doing it for her.  It takes me about an hour to get the whole thing done.  It only needs to be done about once every 2 weeks with everyday use.

One of the biggest things to keep the wig from fraying in the first place is to learn how to brush it properly.  Start from the bottom and work your way up.  If you start to feel resistance, stay in the lower area until your brush moves freely through the hair, then work your way up.  If you start at the top and just rip your way down, you end up slightly curling the ends of the wig, which causes the fraying and frizziness in the first place.  

What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?

New Beginnings

Tomorrow marks a new day for us.  My spouse will be finally going "full time" in her transition and beginning to go to work and living her life as she has always wanted.  I'm so excited and happy for her.  What a wonderful feeling it must be to finally get to live your life as you've always dreamed.

We had a wonderful night last night.  We had a sort of "birthday" celebration for her and so many people attended!  The people there were the ones so instrumental in supporting us throughout this whole process.  I am forever grateful for every word of support, every question that made me think of something new, every revelation from others that they might share some of either one of our feelings. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system and I love them all.  I cannot thank the people in our lives enough who have helped us along the way.  You all know who you are. :)  

Just thinking that it's only been slightly less than a year since we made the decision to move forward with the transition process is amazing.  So many changes, so many emotions, but so many good things have happened since then.  I feel more in love with my spouse right at this moment than I ever have.  She is becoming who she needs to be and has also encouraged me to put my best efforts forward to be my best self.

Like I've said before, there is so much I have learned about myself through this process that I feel like I have started living up to being the person I was meant to be as well.  I've confronted my own issues and have slowly started to let my walls down and let other people in.  I've confronted the biggest and most shameful personal problem for me...my depression issues.  I've learned that pushing that down and ignoring the problem does nothing to make it better.  Yes, it is still a struggle, but working on it has helped me recognize that there might be hope for it to get better by not bottling up every emotion.

None of us knows for sure what the future holds.  All we can do is work to live every day to the fullest and recognize the people in our lives who help us along the way.  I've learned that although you need to rely on yourself to make things happen, I really don't think any of us can progress as people completely alone.  It's kind of a philosophical thought really...what is the point of existing in this world without others?  Yes, people can be disappointing, they can be mean or hurtful, but they can also be wonderful, inspirational and amazing.  Keep the people around you who inspire you and lift you up.  Let the others go.  You don't need to shun them, but you also don't need to feel obligated to sacrifice your own happiness.  Love yourself.  

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

Social Media and Transitioning Genders

It occurred to me since the beginning of my spouse's transition from male to female how hard this must have been before the internet and social media.  Not just for the person who is transitioning, but for the spouse or significant other of someone going through a transition.

Where in the world would people find information about this subject before the internet?  Where would spouses find support from others going through the same thing?  It would be nearly impossible.  What did people do before the internet?  I'm of the era where I didn't grow up with any internet access.  There just wasn't such a thing until I was pretty much an adult.  (As much as an 18 year old is an adult :) )

I'm so incredibly thankful that there is a network now where people can share information and be a part of social media groups with people from all over the country, or even other parts of the world.  What we spouses are going through is such a unique and lonely feeling sometimes.  As much as friends and family try and understand, there is nothing that compares to sharing these feelings and experiences with others who actually have experienced the same thing.

Yes, our transitioning partners also need their own groups.  There are many more of those out there on the internet than support groups or blogs from the other perspective of a significant other or spouse.  (I'm going to use "spouse" from here on out so I don't have to continue to write Spouse or Significant Other / Partner)

I'm not sure if the lack of support or writing from our perspective as spouses is because we don't reach out with social media, or if there are just so few of us out there that are supportive of our spouses.  Are we that unique?  Are so many of us too afraid to reach out or write about it?  Are there so few of these type of relationships that last?  I'd be very interested to learn more about that.

If it is the case that most spouses are too afraid to communicate about it for fear of being "found out," how can we engange them to talk about their own issues?  Everything that's put out there on the internet is able to be "found out" in some way, right?  How can they feel safe?  If you Facebook someone as a friend, who might question you on who that person is?  If you post on a blog, who can find out?  It's definetly scary.

For me, I was very afraid at first to put anything about my real self out there.  I didn't want anyone to accidentally find out who my spouse was before she was ready to reveal it.  So I made up a fake name and email account, mainly to protect her identity.  That worked for me to feel free enough to speak my mind and only tell specific people what my alternate identity was on social media.  Now, I really don't care so much.  This blog is still fairly anonymous, but those who have accepted me in Facebook groups now have my real identity.

What's my point?  If you are a spouse / partner, or even the person going through a transition, don't be afraid to reach out.  If you aren't comfortable at first putting your own information out there, you can always create an alternate version of yourself that doesn't necessarily identify you to people you might not want to know about you quite yet.  Just reach out.  It could be helpful and you might find support and friends you never would have found otherwise.

Update on progress

I realize that my posts are about me and my feelings, but I think sometimes other people in this type of situation want to hear about my spouse's progress and how we're handling each step.  Out of respect for my spouse, I don't want to try and speak on her behalf on how she feels.  That is her journey, not mine.  I can, however, talk about how I feel about the changes.

The transition is progressing nicely.  It's only been about 8 months since the decision to transition, but she has come a log way.  We're "out" to pretty much everyone, including some people at each of our jobs.  She has spoken to HR about the transition and they are more than willing to accommodate any needs she has and are accepting of the situation.  She has a few co-workers who know as well as supervisors.  Everyone has been tremendously supportive.  Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) started about 6 weeks ago.  For the first month, she was given testosterone blockers, then estrogen was introduced about 2 weeks ago.  She still isn't going to work as "herself" or going in public, but I feel like that will be happening fairly soon.  She would like to do work on the facial hair first.  Once she is comfortable enough, it is recommended that she lives full time as a woman before they will consider surgery.

So, how do I feel?  I feel surprisingly calm right now about everything.  I really believe the work I have been doing on myself and writing has helped me tremendously with coping with the changes.  If I didn't take a hard look at myself and my own issues, I think things would not be going so smoothly.  I haven't gone back to counseling yet, but I will if I feel it's necessary.  I have had a lot of support through friends, family and Facebook groups.  I know not everyone is so lucky and I am extremely grateful for everyone who is there for us.

I feel myself at times getting a bit impatient with her choice not to go full time yet.  I have to remind myself how hard that would be to just jump in and change how everyone sees you all the time.  She could face some real challenges and I do get nervous about her getting her feelings hurt.  I think I also am just anxious for her to start her full-time life as a woman because that means the surgery is that much closer.  I understand that it is a gradual process, but I am just really looking forward to seeing her fully engage with all areas of her life as she was meant to be.  Flip-flopping between identities has to be difficult and confusing.

I thought I would feel more sad, or nervous, or something when she started the HRT.  I was a bit nervous in the beginning that her feelings about me would change, or that she might start resenting me as a reminder of who she was before.  We had a few conversations about that and worked through it.  I'm still waiting for the hormones to cause the wild mood swings us women have to endure, but so far it doesn't appear to have that effect on her.  I'm not sure how long it takes for the emotional part to kick in, but I just keep bracing myself for it.  As long as we keep communicating about it, I'm sure we'll get through that just fine too.

I find myself more and more excited about seeing the changes that are yet to come.  What I see is someone who is becoming more comfortable and confident about herself.  She has seemed much calmer and appears far more content right now.  I find myself more in love and appreciative of my marriage every day.  I know the road ahead isn't going to be all sunshine and roses, but I feel very good about the path we are both on with ourselves, and as a couple.

Appreciation of Friends and Family

There have been a few experiences lately that have really given me a deep appreciation of the people around me.  I didn't realize how withdrawn I had become in the past few years (okay...many many years)  as far as allowing myself to feel connected to people or allowing them to connect to me.

Something about me, or my past experiences maybe, made me mistrust pretty much everyone.  It always seemed like every time I finally let someone in and trusted them, it backfired and I got hurt.  That, or when I allowed myself to really bond with someone, they left or I had to leave.  I just stopped trusting that anything could be real or last in any type of relationship or friendship.  I was always just waiting for whatever bad thing would come next.  I couldn't just enjoy myself or feel the happiness of having connections with other people.  It was always more comfortable to keep people at a distance.  There is no risk of getting hurt that way.  I really enjoy and am fascinated by people, but didn't want to get close.

My views are changing about what weakness and strength actually is.  I thought strength meant being able to handle situations and emotions without the help of others.  I'm realizing now, it takes much more strength to let people in and allow others to help you cope with anything you are dealing with.  Strength isn't holding everything in, it is allowing your true self to come out.  It isn't a weakness to feel fear, doubt, or sadness.  The strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not blocking negativity out, but then figure out how to move on and grow from your negative experiences.

I didn't realize how many people I have in my life that I really could count on. If I hadn't had to face the issue of my spouse being a transsexual woman, I don't know that I would have really been able to look that deeply at my own issues and allow others "in" to help support me.  This situation has allowed me to be more open and honest with people than I think I have ever been.

I have a newfound appreciation of all the people in my life.  I realize how much happier I could be (and am starting to be) if I let myself be vulnerable enough to bond with people.  Sure, I might lose them eventually, but the time spent enjoying the company of others far outweighs the sadness that might come with getting close to someone.

I want to thank all of my family and friends for being so wonderfully supportive.  You know who you are... :)  I know I don't express my gratitude enough, or I might make light of the situation and joke around about my feelings, but I really do appreciate each and every one of you.  My old friends and new, immediate family and extended family.  I feel such deep gratitude, maybe more than you could ever know.  I have found so much strength and happiness because of my incredible support system and can't wait to get to an even better place within myself to fully live my life.  It's not a fast process, so I thank you all for being patient with my progress, as well as my spouse's progress.  I know that with all of you behind me, I will be okay no matter what happens in my life.  I love you all.

And then there is my spouse.  I can't describe how much we have bonded and how much she has helped me begin to find myself, even while going through all of the changes she has been facing.  I know this is my soulmate because we both only want what is best for each other to find true happiness and peace.  I am so greatful that we have each other and we have both come to a point of personal growth as well as supporting each others' growth.  I have never felt such a deep love like this and am amazed every day how far we've come and how happy I could be in a relationship.

Life can be wonderful when you start to let go and enjoy the good things that come your way.

Getting Comfortable

There have been a lot of things in the past month or so that have been emotionally charged, but have been so wonderful for me and my marriage.  I have thought so much about what I love about the person I'm married to and what had slowly gone by the wayside over time that I missed.  I missed our long night conversations that we had in the beginning of our relationship.  I missed the "new car smell" of discovering someone else.  I missed learning about someone else's views on life.

I suppose that's the way most relationships go, losing the newness of it all.  I feel like we have that newness back again.  It's great, emotional, passionate, but also a bit scary.  Why is scary good?  I don't really know the answer to that, just that it's not stagnant like most relationships get over time.  Comfortable?  Predicable?  Why might that feel so boring?  I guess that the excitement of learning someone else's little idiosyncrasies, secrets or true feelings tend to fade away over time.  Why can't I be more comfortable with the predictable?  I'm not sure about that either.  Is anyone comfortable with that or is it just...numbness?

I feel like we get too set in our ways that we think we always know what our significant others (or anyone close to us) are thinking that we don't stop to consider that people can actually change.  We all change over time.  Not just in something like what me and my spouse are experiencing, but all of us.  People can change their beliefs, their opinions, their thought processes.  How do we convince others who have known us for a long period of time that we have grown?  That's a difficult thing to accept.  We have a pre-conceived notion about who a person is that maybe we sometimes stifle what they are becoming.

I'm actually quite excited to see this new side of my spouse.  It feels like a completely new relationship, even though we have been together so long.  Things are changing about how we communicate, how we relate to each other and even our compassion for each other.  It's hard to let go of past assumptions of feelings sometimes, but we are getting there.

Something has shifted in my mind.  I don't think of my spouse as "him" anymore.  When I talk about "him," I think "her" now.  When I think of the future, I think of us as a lesbian couple.  When I'm talking to people, I want to say the female name or use the prounoun "her."  I feel badly when I see "him" because I know that isn't the person who is really inside.  The male part now has become the costume instead of the female.  It's not that I can't handle seeing "him" or that I'm not comfortable, but I just know that it's frustrating for my spouse to live a dual life.

There have been so many significant moments lately where family and friends have become acquainted with her and seem to be more and more comfortable.  For me, the hardest thing is to see "him" walk through the door after work, knowing that "he" had to pretend all day not to be who she really is.  I am actually excited now for the moment when it becomes full-time, just so the duality ceases to be and we can just be ourselves both as individuals, and as this new couple.

There are so many new things on the horizion to look forward to that I feel a sense of renewal in my life.  I don't know where it might go, but I have hope that things will be much better for both of us.  I am gaining a new sense of myself, so is she.  I sure hope both of us feel after the full transition like we can walk this new path together, but I don't feel so afraid anymore if we had to each walk our own paths.  Maybe it's kind of like the saying, "If you love someone, set them free..."  and now I feel like we both have the freedom to be ourselves no matter what.  At this moment, I feel more in love than ever and so proud of how each of us have grown so far.  We are letting each other in to all of our true feelings and trying to let go of the past.  Just live in the moment, right? :)

Letting more people in

The past few weeks have been emotionally draining, but also wonderful.  Coming out to my spouse's family that my husband is transgendered was good, bad, but also has lead to other things to move the transition forward.

Most of the family was amazingly supportive and I feel such a tremendous relief that no matter what happens with our marriage, she will have family to be there.  I guess there was a part of me that felt a bit of a burden that I was the only one who really knew and could be there for my spouse in the emotions of this secret.  I am so grateful for the genuine outpouring of love and feel like this is going to create a really strong bond among all of us.

The negative reactions weren't real surprising.  Her mother of course, is quite confused and isn't handling it very well.  I didn't expect her to be supportive but frankly, don't really care if she's upset.  She has never been emotionally supportive of any of her children and maybe it is a good thing that she has to face what kind of person she has been.  It's the same thing with one of the sisters.  She too has not been emotionally supportive of anyone but herself and she might have to take a look in the mirror.

Today is another day of telling some people who are really important in our lives.  As nervous as I am about telling the people who are really close friends of "his", I am also relieved.  We won't have to pretend anymore.  I am sad for them that they are going to have to face losing one of the people who have been really important in their lives, but hopeful that they might be able to accept the change.

We still have to tell most of my family.  It's not that I haven't been ready to do that, but the timing hasn't worked out quite yet.  Each one of these talks is incredibly emotional, whether it's positive or negative.  It's exposing your emotions to others and that has been draining for both of us.  It's also a lot of work because people do want to continue to talk and we haven't been this social in a very long time.

We have made some important steps and she has been so brave.  I'm so proud of her that she is becoming the person she has always felt on the inside.  We went to a wig shop together, we went out on the town together and she even went to the last therapy session en femme.  I am amazed at the amount of courage she has and am so proud to be married to someone with that kind of inner strength.  I'm actually finding the strength within myself too.  I have found that to be strong, you also need to be vulnerable.  Being closed off and putting up emotional barriers isn't the kind of strength I thought it was.

I had an epiphany last night.  The feminine side of this person is the one I actually fell in love with in the first place.  When we first met, the personality was more like the one I am seeing right now.  It didn't really occur to me that over time things had changed with the personality until I started seeing it again.  I could never really put my finger on what was changing, but now I see that it was just a gradual withdrawal from each other.  I'm so happy that we have started going back to what we were in the beginning of our relationship.  Like the Wizard of Oz said...the answer was in front of us all along.

Anxieties and Anticipation of Coming Out to Family

I spend a lot of time worrying, I always have.  My mother told me when I was five years old that I'd have an ulcer by 16, if that tells you anything.  Being married to a transgender person evokes a whole lot of worry but has also taught me a lot about myself and that I need to learn how to cope with my anxieties better.  How?  I'm still figuring that out, I'm sure it will be a life long journey for me.

I wanted to write this before tonight because I want to capture my actual feelings, not what I think I was feeling at the time.  We might be coming out to my spouse's family this weekend that he is transgender and really a she.  It is the plan, but there is the possibility that it isn't the right time according to my spouse.  When is there a right time though?  I don't know that there ever really is a right time to share something that is such a huge change in both the person and the relationship.  This is not my family and I'm not the one actually transitioning, so I need to try and be sensitive to that and let her take the lead.  When it comes time to tell my family, I will most likely take the lead on how and when to tell them.

It feels to me right now like we're about to punch everyone right in the gut without letting them brace themselves.  It's actually supposed to be a fun weekend but I feel like it's going to all be spoiled by this and all we will be doing is dealing with emotions all weekend.  Ugh, emotions...my favorite thing. :)

I wanted to try an exercise just getting out all the things I'm thinking.

Fears:
I am afraid my spouse's feelings are going to be hurt by poor reactions.  I that she will blame herself for causing her family stress, grief, or anger.  I am afraid that I will have to watch her be in agony, stressed out and emotional.  I am afraid she will become angry and defensive.  I am afraid that her family will look at me with pity.  I am afraid that I will be emotional and have to let down my carefully constructed walls.  I am afraid that I will have to be the strong one while everyone around me will be a wreck.  I am afraid for her family and how this is going to impact them emotionally.  I am afraid of them rejecting us.  I am afraid they will blame themselves.

Hopes:
I hope we are both strong enough to actually go through with telling them.  I hope I don't retreat into my emotional cave and not let anything in or out.  I hope my spouse will feel better about being herself and being honest about who she is.  I hope they will listen and be loving and accepting of her.  I hope they believe the things we tell them.  I hope we can still have fun with them the way we normally do.  I hope this will actually create stronger bonds.

I always try and anticipate every situation so I can be prepared for my reaction to it.  That is unrealistic and part of my problem with anxiety.  It does no good to visualize every scenario, I won't know how I will react until something happens.  I can't sit and worry about the what ifs all the time.  That is what keeps me up at night or doesn't let me go back to sleep.  Lack of sleep only makes things worse.  I get more sensitive to any emotion and much more reactionary.  I'm just glad I got at least 6 hours of sleep last night.  I can funciton on that.  A few nights this week was only 3 or 4 hours and that was just no good at all.

On a positive note, we have told a few more people and still have not had to experience any really negative reactions.  I am feeling more and more confident about the relationships we have with our friends.  As much as I am worrying about how this weekend is going to go, I am so grateful that we have people we can talk to and who are there for us.  There are a few people who have really been so wonderful and I really trust them.  That is very difficult for me, to trust others.

I am going to try and focus on the positives as much as possible today.  My marriage has never been better.  We are communicating more than we ever have about everything, which can be exhausting at times, but is also quite necessary.  Our bond has strengthened and as much as I realize that most marriages do not survive after a transition, I know that we will be a part of each others' lives forever.  What that will look like in the future is unknown, but I am going to focus on the present and be in the moment.

Finding balance and getting back to being me

At this particular stage, not everyone in my life knows what I am going through but the ones who do have been incredibly supportive.  I have been having some struggles within myself simply not knowing how to find my balance.  Who am I, where do I fit into this world and what do I need?  You know, the little questions. :)

The focus of so much in my life right now has revolved around my spouse and doing whatever I can to be supportive.  I find new clothes for her, we talk about what changes are to come in our lives because of the transition and all the feelings for both of us in relation to that.  It's not surprising that this has been the focus, of course it is.  It's a big change and we want to make sure we're doing all we can in order to be realistic but also support each other and make our marriage a good one.

I find myself with any of my alone time just wanting to learn more about the transgender issue.  I spend so much of my time researching, reading blogs, and watching videos.  I've been staying up too late and not sleeping enough.  I know I need to research things to get a better understanding of what might be happening for us both, but it's consuming most of my "me" time.  When I go shopping without her, I find myself looking for things she'll like and what will look good on her.

I also don't ever want to do things without her anymore.  I used to go out with friends more.  I used to do crafts by myself or with friends more.  Now, anything I do outside of the house without her makes me feel guilty.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I can't help what I feel sometimes.  I think the guilt comes from me knowing that my spouse is just sitting at home and if she's dressed, isn't going to go anywhere.  She's stuck there until the time when she's finally ready to go out in public and I don't want her to feel lonely.

I ask myself if my obsession with finding out all I can about transgender issues and the shopping thing is bit of an avoidance behavior.  Am I avoiding something about myself that I don't want to face?  It's easier to focus on someone else's issues than to have to look in the mirror.  So, I'm trying to figure out what that thing is.

I was reading another blog today about a wife's anxieties with her spouse not making the commitment to go all the way with the transition and just live somewhere in the middle. That brought some of what I'm fearing to light.  When I read her blog, I was thinking to myself that it was really unfair of her spouse to leave her sitting in limbo not knowing what is going to happen.  It occurred to me that I might be going so full steam ahead with this because I don't want to be back in that limbo with my spouse.  It's uncomfortable not knowing what's going to happen.

I fear how much I love my spouse and how deeply I am connecting with her.  I fear that opening up my heart is dangerous because maybe she will change so much that we don't connect anymore.  What if she decides she want someone else and leaves?  What if I can't handle it and I leave?  Oh the "what ifs..."  I feel myself shutting down and putting the wall up again.  It seems to happen right after having beautifully touching moments or great nights with her, which seems odd to me but probably makes sense.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, the uncertainty.  If we just hurry up and "get this over with", maybe I'll have the answers I need.  Then I will know one way or the other if our marriage is going to survive.  Yes, I know...that is ridiculous.  People grow and change, marriages change even without dealing with a transgender issue.  Surgery, no surgery, what the hormones might do, what our relationship will become, none of that changes the fact that I am in a marriage right now.  We are in a good place right now and I need to be in the moment more.

I can't rush this.  I can't push too much and as much as I am in this too, the transition is not my struggle.  Yes, the changes in our marriage are both of our struggle, but I cannot control my spouse's emotions or decisions on transitioning.  I can't put a checklist and timeline on when the transition will be "complete."  I can be supportive and be open about myself, but I need to just relax.

Writing about this does help a lot.  It helps me see when I am being rational or irrational and what some of the root causes might be behind my behavior or anxiety.  It forces me to slow down and really think about things.  I can also look back and see things I have overcome and remind myself that I got through other struggles and am strong enough to face the challenges ahead.

I am going to start doing more for myself.  I need to find happiness in my passions again.  I was asked to put together a cooking class for a group of women who take art classes.  I am excited about that.  It will be a fairly big project and I can go have fun doing something that I love.  Hey, I might even make a few bucks doing it!

My spouse needs time to herself too.  She needs time to process everything going on and find her own things that make her happy.  I cannot make her go out of the house dressed, that decision is up to her.  I've decided to let that go.  I have to let go of any guilt I feel for being happy within myself so I can find my balance.