What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?

Update on progress

I realize that my posts are about me and my feelings, but I think sometimes other people in this type of situation want to hear about my spouse's progress and how we're handling each step.  Out of respect for my spouse, I don't want to try and speak on her behalf on how she feels.  That is her journey, not mine.  I can, however, talk about how I feel about the changes.

The transition is progressing nicely.  It's only been about 8 months since the decision to transition, but she has come a log way.  We're "out" to pretty much everyone, including some people at each of our jobs.  She has spoken to HR about the transition and they are more than willing to accommodate any needs she has and are accepting of the situation.  She has a few co-workers who know as well as supervisors.  Everyone has been tremendously supportive.  Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) started about 6 weeks ago.  For the first month, she was given testosterone blockers, then estrogen was introduced about 2 weeks ago.  She still isn't going to work as "herself" or going in public, but I feel like that will be happening fairly soon.  She would like to do work on the facial hair first.  Once she is comfortable enough, it is recommended that she lives full time as a woman before they will consider surgery.

So, how do I feel?  I feel surprisingly calm right now about everything.  I really believe the work I have been doing on myself and writing has helped me tremendously with coping with the changes.  If I didn't take a hard look at myself and my own issues, I think things would not be going so smoothly.  I haven't gone back to counseling yet, but I will if I feel it's necessary.  I have had a lot of support through friends, family and Facebook groups.  I know not everyone is so lucky and I am extremely grateful for everyone who is there for us.

I feel myself at times getting a bit impatient with her choice not to go full time yet.  I have to remind myself how hard that would be to just jump in and change how everyone sees you all the time.  She could face some real challenges and I do get nervous about her getting her feelings hurt.  I think I also am just anxious for her to start her full-time life as a woman because that means the surgery is that much closer.  I understand that it is a gradual process, but I am just really looking forward to seeing her fully engage with all areas of her life as she was meant to be.  Flip-flopping between identities has to be difficult and confusing.

I thought I would feel more sad, or nervous, or something when she started the HRT.  I was a bit nervous in the beginning that her feelings about me would change, or that she might start resenting me as a reminder of who she was before.  We had a few conversations about that and worked through it.  I'm still waiting for the hormones to cause the wild mood swings us women have to endure, but so far it doesn't appear to have that effect on her.  I'm not sure how long it takes for the emotional part to kick in, but I just keep bracing myself for it.  As long as we keep communicating about it, I'm sure we'll get through that just fine too.

I find myself more and more excited about seeing the changes that are yet to come.  What I see is someone who is becoming more comfortable and confident about herself.  She has seemed much calmer and appears far more content right now.  I find myself more in love and appreciative of my marriage every day.  I know the road ahead isn't going to be all sunshine and roses, but I feel very good about the path we are both on with ourselves, and as a couple.

Change is a comin'

I haven't posted in awhile, but we've been busy...

My spouse saw the doctor a few weeks ago to get her started on hormone replacement therapy.  So far, it is just testosterone blockers.  It was an anxious but wonderful experience.  Anxious for both of us whether or not any type of hormone therapy would actually start or not.  Once it was determined that she could begin the hormone therapy, it was a huge relief for both of us.

I feel like I am coping with this very well, but there are some concerns I have.  I feel like a person with multiple personalities at times...happy/excited/scared...all at once.  I am excited for my spouse to get to feel any changes that might come from getting to experience female hormones.  The smoothing of the skin, the lowering of testosterone, the changes that will happen in the body.  What a wonderful thing for her to get to feel the way she has always felt!

I am nervous about these changes too.  Ugh...female hormone swings.  I know those well and I'm not sure how my spouse will deal with the inexplicable feelings.  "Why are you crying?"  "I don't know!" Those kind of things.  Dealing with female hormones is no picnic and I just dread having to deal with someone going through that for the first time and not being able to console them.  It's kind of an inconsolable thing.  It's so personal for each woman that I don't know how it will feel for her and I'm afraid I will either be too dismissive of it or too sensitive to it that I won't be the type of comfort she needs.

It sounds weird, but I'm looking forward to her having her own girlfriends to vent to in these new times coming up.   I was jealous at the thought at first, but now am really looking forward to her having other bonds with women who aren't related to me or friends with me too.  She needs her own people to vent to and bond with in the way all of us women do.  I genuinely trust her and our relationship and have let go of the notion that I should be the only one she can emotionally bond with.  That was difficult.  I have never been able to do that before with any other person I have had a romantic relationship with.

The strangest thing for me now is that I feel so calm about everything and really feel like I have come to terms with what our new future will be.  I am allowing myself to enjoy the moments, feel the love around me and express myself.  I'm feeling hopeful again and more in love every day with my spouse.  I'm ready to be engaged in life again, not just "deal" with life as it comes.