Thoughts and Updates

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything.  Time flies and we don't... 

So...my marriage is still going strong.  It's pretty much settled back into a regular marriage.  Day to day activities, routine, working and back to what feels like our "normal."  I think we are in some ways stronger than we've ever been because we communicate a lot more than we used to.  Overall, things between my spouse and I are pretty great right now. 

I usually tend to keep this blog purely about my own thoughts and feelings and try not to get political or speak for any transgendered person.  I can't exactly speak for them because I have no true understanding of how it feels to live that life.  I can empathize and sympathize, but that is the best I can do.  I will never understand the internal struggles.  I don't presume to know everything about being transgendered because my spouse is.  I do, however, have a far better education about it than most of the general public, so I'm going to rant a bit...

First of all, I want to say that I'm proud that the transgender (and all spectrums of gender identity and sexuality) issues are being spoken about.  It's important for people to realize that it isn't a fad, it isn't like people are just trying to "be cool" by becoming part of that community.  It is real.  It is a terribly difficult existence for a lot of people, especially before it was publicy discussed.  We should all be able to live authentically and as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, we should all be afforded that right.  

The issue of trans people being unable to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with is one that is particularly upsetting to me.  It feels to me a lot like stepping backwards to when it was legal in our country to have separate bathrooms, fountains or lunch counters for "colored" people.  It's bullshit.  The arguments are not valid ones.  

First, it seems the bathroom issue is mainly targeted at MTF trans people.  The argument I have heard is that people are afraid of letting their children go into a bathroom where someone who was technically born a biological man might be.  I honestly don't understand any of the arguments surrounding this issue.  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  Men's bathrooms do as well, and chances are that most trans men would choose to simply use a stall instead of a urinal.  Children aren't going to see any trans woman or men exposing private parts to them.  If people have a fear of that, they are so grossly uninformed about how trans people feel.  In my experience, they are extremely conscientious and are of just trying to fit in without being noticed and doing everything they can so they don't make others uncomfortable because of their differences.

I feel that what people are afraid of is pedophilia, not transgendered people.  Pedophilia is sick and wrong,  but it has nothing to do with this conversation.  It is terribly offensive to assume there is any correlation between trans peple and criminal acts, especially against children.  Pedophiles can be men or women, and they may target children of either the same sex or opposite sex.  You might as well just not even take your child into public if you are that afraid of your child perhaps crossing paths with a stranger who may or may not be a pedophile.  

As a cis-gendered woman, I honestly don't give a shit about who uses what bathrooms.  Ever.  I wouldn't care if a cis-gendered guy came in and used the women's room.  I've used plenty of men's rooms with no incidents...their lines are usually WAY shorter and when you have to go...you have to go.  Again, there are always bathroom stalls, even in men's rooms.  You always have privacy when you're going to the bathroom in a stall.  If someone is looking under or over the stall...yes, please notify authorities.  Otherwise, just LET PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM.  

I don't know that there is a lot I can do to help the cause, to make a difference with the LGBTQ community, but I sometimes feel like I should be more vocal in some way.  I influence people in my immediate circles and I have written this blog to attempt to give support to both trans people and the ones who love them.  I want people to know that love is love, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, or whatever else may separate us from the herd.  We're all unique and that's okay.  

The trans people I know, have spoken to, or have read about are quite courageous in my opinion.  They have, against all the fears society may have about them, chosen to live their authentic lives.  How many people can honestly say they are committed to being their authentic selves?  How many of us even know what that means?  It's not always easy to know exactly who you are and what your internal "truth" is.  To be brave enough to express yourself no matter the consequences of how society views you is an admirable thing.  

I am a much better person for having my spouse in my life.  I have learned what courage is.  I have learned more about what true love is.  I have a more complete understanding of humanity and that we are all just trying to navigate life in the best way we know how, so compassion and empathy are of the upmost importance.  We can all learn from each other if we only open up and listen.

People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

What's in a Name Change?

There have been some really exciting things happening for my spouse and I in the past few months.  It all happened quite quickly, so I haven't had too much time for writing lately.  It's been a whirlwind of paperwork and research, but we are both very happy with what has resulted.

We went to another appointment with the hormone doctor.  That went extremely well.  I always like to go along to show my support and to listen to all the things the doctor is saying.  I know it's always a bit of an intense experience for my spouse just with all the anticipation of what is the next step, making sure all things are in place on the timeline for transition, etc.

I have to say I think my presence and honesty with the doctor has played a big role in how well he understands the true support that my spouse has.  I'm not only focusing on positive or negative...I'm just truthful.  I think expressing only one way or the other would just be deceptive.  He's a wonderful doctor and honestly wants to know how I'm doing with everything.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think the fact that we are both honest with him has had an impact.  I express that yes, I do have some frustrations but that overall this is the best thing that could ever happen for my spouse and has been a wonderful thing for our marriage in the respect that we are both much more open an honest about our feelings...which isn't easy.  Good, absolutely...but not easy.

At the end of the appointment, he asked if we had any other questions.  We mentioned that she wanted to do the official name change, so he asked if she wanted the letter of affirmation.  She said yes, but didn't understand exactly what he was about to give us.  My spouse checked just for spelling, but didn't really read the letter until we had gotten home.  I knew what it meant.  It said she has had appropriate treatment to transition to the female gender.  Only later did it really hit her what it actually said.

That was "the" letter.  "The" letter is important for many reasons.  It's important not only to surgeons who will eventually be performing the GRS (or SRS or whatever it's called now) but it also allows for some legal document changes right now.  So, as it sank in for her what it meant, I began my research.

Every state is different on how they handle name and gender changes, so not all of what we experienced will happen to all of you who want this change, but what I want to emphasize is that you need to do your research.  The clerks and other state employees aren't real familiar with the process, so the more documentation you have ready for them, the better.  From what my spouse said, most of the clerks (really all females in our case) were kind of excited for something different.

The name change itself was not too big a deal.  I mean, yes...a big deal for us, but wasn't much trouble.  The entire process does cost some money, a few hundred bucks all together with all the filing fees, but totally worth it in the end.

In our case, we were able to petition for a "confidential name change."  This has a few implications.  In our state, if you want to change your name, you usually need to publish that in a newspaper for a few weeks in case you are trying to get out of some type of debt, etc. but there is another confidential form you can petition for if you have just cause and you are not trying to ellude some finincial difficulty.  We debated this because we don't really care if anyone knows, but it would publish the name and address.  You never know what stranger might have a problem with who you are and want to commit some crime against you.  That really was our only reason for going that route.  The name change doesn't affect the gender on anything.  It's just the name.  That all went through without a hitch.

In our state, the gender marker on the birth certificate cannot change until after surgery.  Bummer.  Right away, we were a little disappointed because we thought it would impact the driver's license.  I did more research and found out how to approach the other documents and I found out how we could get around that.

Social Security (which is Federal, not state) passed a law in something like 2003 that all you need to do in order to change the gender on your social security card is a letter of affirmation from a medical doctor.  Aha!  We had that!!!  Then came the driver's license.  In our state (and I'm assuming most others) the way they check the identity of someone during a name change at the DMV is if their social security number, name and gender all match.  They use the Social Security records.  So, as long as we changed the social security record first, then the DMV record, it all went through.  What a relief!

Both Social Security and the DMV went through with no problem except perhaps a bit more waiting time than the normal customer.  They just had to verify the documents and laws we presented to them. (I recommend highlighting the areas they need to focus on)

The biggest thing that has been such a worry for my spouse is having to explain the difference between what someone is seeing and the identification presented.  Sure, the birth certificate won't change until after surgery, but who cares?  Who really looks at that anyway?

I just thought I'd share the process we went through in case anyone else was having thoughts and concerns about how to approach it.  My advice is to look up the laws first yourself, print out what you find and highlight anything of importance for the clerks who have to decipher it.  Check with your state Vital Records office on their particular requirements for birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.

Long story short, my spouse now officially has a social security card and driver's license which indicates her new name as well as the appropriate gender.  We could not be more excited!

Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

Tips for maintaining a great wig

Hello ladies!  One of the big things for my spouse and I was the cost of wigs.  We wanted her to be able to have a great wig that looked very realistic.  This was especially important when she decided to go "full-time."  For my spouse, the wig is probably going to be a necessity forever as she began transition late in life (45 years old) and the male-pattern baldness in all reality will most likely always be a problem.

We are in the same situation as many of you are, I'm sure.  We don't have a ton of money to spend on these type of supplies.  They are a necessity for sure, but we can't afford to keep buying new wigs when the old ones get frizzy and you keep trimming until they are basically worthless.  Who are we kidding, most of us are not hairdressers, right?  

So, we found a great wig to start with before she decided to go full time.  It was economical, but didn't have a lace-front.  After several months, just before she went full-time, we saved enough to get a great lace-front wig.  It cost us about $ 200.00 (US)  It's synthetic, but looks fabulous.  It's very hard to tell that it isn't her natural hair.  After a month, however, it started having the "frayed" look that the previous wigs had.  This was very discouraging to both of us because we just couldn't afford to keep getting new wigs, and trimming it just messes up the whole look.  I mean, it doesn't grow back, right?  

We were told to never ever apply heat to the wig because it would forever damage it.  I did, however, find a way to recondition the wig at home by being VERY, VERY careful.  I found a website from a woman who has a condition who requires wearing a wig all the time and has the same monetary issue.  She described a way to recondition the wig that actually works to bring it back to the state it was in when we bought it.  Here is her description:  http://jeezlouise.net 

I will describe the technique, but beware that anything you try at home you do at your own risk.  I was petrified to try it, so I tried on one of the older wigs first before I tried it on a good one.  It's surprisingly easy, but there are a few key things you need:  A spray bottle with water (and I add a touch of wig conditioner to the water), A few hair clips, A bristle brush (which you should only use on wigs in this one specific application), a flat iron with a variable temperature.  **** The variable temperature is the key because you want very low heat.  Mine varies between 80 degrees F to about 200 degrees F (I don't know the conversion to Celsius - you're on your own there)  I turn it down to almost the lowest setting to do this, just to be on the safer side.  To prop the wig up, I use a tripod for a camera covered with a hand towel.  I've tried other things, but this seems to give me the best angles to work with. 

You take small sections of the hair and brush it flat, spray it with the water/conditioner mix, then quickly run the flat iron down the section of hair.  After that, run the bristle brush over the section to pull it straight.  *** Again, test this on an old wig first to get the feel for the right temperature and dampness ***  I use hair clips to section off the areas I have already done vs. the areas I still need to do.  

This re-straightens the wig from the little curly ends that get tangled and frizzy and it really looks like brand new.  I have pictures of what I do if anyone needs it, but I'm not going to post it right now.  (I do this blog on my iPad and it doesn't like inserting photos)  If anyone needs further advice or wants me to post pics, I sure will.

I hope that helps some of you out there, that was an issue we dealt with that I didn't hear people talk much about, so I thought I'd share, since I just got done re-conditioning her wig again.  Yes, she does know how to do it herself, but I actually enjoy doing it for her.  It takes me about an hour to get the whole thing done.  It only needs to be done about once every 2 weeks with everyday use.

One of the biggest things to keep the wig from fraying in the first place is to learn how to brush it properly.  Start from the bottom and work your way up.  If you start to feel resistance, stay in the lower area until your brush moves freely through the hair, then work your way up.  If you start at the top and just rip your way down, you end up slightly curling the ends of the wig, which causes the fraying and frizziness in the first place.  

What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?