People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

What kind of person am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am currently and who I wish to be in the future.  Not only that, but who I appear to be to others and how much of who I appear to be is real.  How much of that is an act, or how much of that is...I don't know...reality?

Here is how I see myself:  I am a person who is worried all the time about everyone else and how they think I am living up to their expections.  I believe I'm a smart person, but constantly question myself and whether I'm right or wrong and if others believe in me.  I feel like I am not living up to my full potential.  I don't feel I have ever accomplished anything of worth and have just been fooling myself and everyone else my whole life.  I don't ever think anyone likes me, not really.  I think they just pretend that they do.  I feel like I read people well, but I can't express myself correctly in any situation.  I am too sensitive to allow myself to be open to many people.

Here is how I feel others view me:  I am a very direct, honest and forthright person.  I like to be in control and I can be forceful, especially if I think I'm in the right.  If I think I have a better way of doing something, I speak up.  If I see something I feel is inefficient, something that could be improved upon or something I perceive as an injustice to someone else, I won't back down and can sometimes badger others to see things my way.  I suppose I could be described as kind of a bitch sometimes.

I can also be quite compassionate and understanding of people or situations.  I'm sure the disparity is very confusing to some people.  I feel that I come off as really cold and elusive at times to people in my everyday life, but warm and inviting to strangers.  I'm a very sensitive person and care quite deeply about other people and their feelings.  I just have a really hard time showing that to people who might get close to me.

Where do my feelings come from?  I have been thinking a lot about that lately.  A large part of that could have come from my background growing up in a military family.  We don't have a "family home" or a place that any of us can look to as a part of our past and how we were raised.  Friends came and went like the wind.  Nobody was permanent.  It was all over the place.  I've had people dump me.  I've had people quite close to me die and leave me with a feeling of such deep depression that it doesn't feel worth it to get that close again.  It hurts too much to lose people.

It's so much easier to keep people at a distance.  In my experience, everyone goes away eventually.  Nobody stays permanently.  Don't get close, it hurts too much to care deeply about anyone.  It's sad, but just the way I feel most of the time.  But I do sometimes long for that connection.  I have made those connections with people in recent years, but still keep them at a distance.  Everyone.  Family and friends. I guess I don't really want to let anyone in on the true extent of my feelings because I am afraid they won't care at all...or that they will.  If they do care, then I would feel responsibility for their reaction to my feelings.

I guess the conclusion is that I have to admit that I'm a codependent person.  I rely on others to validate my feelings.  I'm a caretaker and don't value my own feelings above others' feelings.  I don't want to be that way, it's just the way it is, at least right now.  I've known that I am that way since I went to counseling (in theory), but I suppose it takes time for reality to set in and change a lifetime of how you think about yourself and others.

Now I have to work on how to get out of that type of thinking.  What do I do for myself?  How do I learn to take care of myself and not let everyone else's needs trump my own without being "selfish"?  I've always heard that you cannot truly love anyone else until you love yourself.  How do you learn to love yourself after a life of self-doubt and depression?  How do you learn to stand up for yourself?

Part of why this type of self evaluation has happened is analyzing how my marriage has worked in the past and how it might work in the future.  In order to stay in this situation, I need to face myself, my feelings and how my spouse and I interact during this process.  Honesty about my feelings and accepting her feelings will be the key to our new type of marriage and being in a happy place with ourselves and each other.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I am looking forward to the changes that are to come of this.

Appreciation of Friends and Family

There have been a few experiences lately that have really given me a deep appreciation of the people around me.  I didn't realize how withdrawn I had become in the past few years (okay...many many years)  as far as allowing myself to feel connected to people or allowing them to connect to me.

Something about me, or my past experiences maybe, made me mistrust pretty much everyone.  It always seemed like every time I finally let someone in and trusted them, it backfired and I got hurt.  That, or when I allowed myself to really bond with someone, they left or I had to leave.  I just stopped trusting that anything could be real or last in any type of relationship or friendship.  I was always just waiting for whatever bad thing would come next.  I couldn't just enjoy myself or feel the happiness of having connections with other people.  It was always more comfortable to keep people at a distance.  There is no risk of getting hurt that way.  I really enjoy and am fascinated by people, but didn't want to get close.

My views are changing about what weakness and strength actually is.  I thought strength meant being able to handle situations and emotions without the help of others.  I'm realizing now, it takes much more strength to let people in and allow others to help you cope with anything you are dealing with.  Strength isn't holding everything in, it is allowing your true self to come out.  It isn't a weakness to feel fear, doubt, or sadness.  The strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not blocking negativity out, but then figure out how to move on and grow from your negative experiences.

I didn't realize how many people I have in my life that I really could count on. If I hadn't had to face the issue of my spouse being a transsexual woman, I don't know that I would have really been able to look that deeply at my own issues and allow others "in" to help support me.  This situation has allowed me to be more open and honest with people than I think I have ever been.

I have a newfound appreciation of all the people in my life.  I realize how much happier I could be (and am starting to be) if I let myself be vulnerable enough to bond with people.  Sure, I might lose them eventually, but the time spent enjoying the company of others far outweighs the sadness that might come with getting close to someone.

I want to thank all of my family and friends for being so wonderfully supportive.  You know who you are... :)  I know I don't express my gratitude enough, or I might make light of the situation and joke around about my feelings, but I really do appreciate each and every one of you.  My old friends and new, immediate family and extended family.  I feel such deep gratitude, maybe more than you could ever know.  I have found so much strength and happiness because of my incredible support system and can't wait to get to an even better place within myself to fully live my life.  It's not a fast process, so I thank you all for being patient with my progress, as well as my spouse's progress.  I know that with all of you behind me, I will be okay no matter what happens in my life.  I love you all.

And then there is my spouse.  I can't describe how much we have bonded and how much she has helped me begin to find myself, even while going through all of the changes she has been facing.  I know this is my soulmate because we both only want what is best for each other to find true happiness and peace.  I am so greatful that we have each other and we have both come to a point of personal growth as well as supporting each others' growth.  I have never felt such a deep love like this and am amazed every day how far we've come and how happy I could be in a relationship.

Life can be wonderful when you start to let go and enjoy the good things that come your way.

Change is a comin'

I haven't posted in awhile, but we've been busy...

My spouse saw the doctor a few weeks ago to get her started on hormone replacement therapy.  So far, it is just testosterone blockers.  It was an anxious but wonderful experience.  Anxious for both of us whether or not any type of hormone therapy would actually start or not.  Once it was determined that she could begin the hormone therapy, it was a huge relief for both of us.

I feel like I am coping with this very well, but there are some concerns I have.  I feel like a person with multiple personalities at times...happy/excited/scared...all at once.  I am excited for my spouse to get to feel any changes that might come from getting to experience female hormones.  The smoothing of the skin, the lowering of testosterone, the changes that will happen in the body.  What a wonderful thing for her to get to feel the way she has always felt!

I am nervous about these changes too.  Ugh...female hormone swings.  I know those well and I'm not sure how my spouse will deal with the inexplicable feelings.  "Why are you crying?"  "I don't know!" Those kind of things.  Dealing with female hormones is no picnic and I just dread having to deal with someone going through that for the first time and not being able to console them.  It's kind of an inconsolable thing.  It's so personal for each woman that I don't know how it will feel for her and I'm afraid I will either be too dismissive of it or too sensitive to it that I won't be the type of comfort she needs.

It sounds weird, but I'm looking forward to her having her own girlfriends to vent to in these new times coming up.   I was jealous at the thought at first, but now am really looking forward to her having other bonds with women who aren't related to me or friends with me too.  She needs her own people to vent to and bond with in the way all of us women do.  I genuinely trust her and our relationship and have let go of the notion that I should be the only one she can emotionally bond with.  That was difficult.  I have never been able to do that before with any other person I have had a romantic relationship with.

The strangest thing for me now is that I feel so calm about everything and really feel like I have come to terms with what our new future will be.  I am allowing myself to enjoy the moments, feel the love around me and express myself.  I'm feeling hopeful again and more in love every day with my spouse.  I'm ready to be engaged in life again, not just "deal" with life as it comes.

Letting go

We finally came out to everyone in our lives that matter the most to us.  All my immediate family, all her immediate family and close friends.  At this point, I don't really care anymore who knows or doesn't know about us.  For the most part, everyone has been really supportive even if they are confused or concerned.  Still it really is only her mother and one of her sisters who isn't being supportive yet.  I am so thankful that I have such an amazing family and that we have friends who are open enough to accept us as we are, no matter what.

It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out.  A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders.  For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with.  There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew.  I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that.  Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent.  That's a wonderful thing.  In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier.  There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.

I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew.  I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive.  It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me.  I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.

I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago.  I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason.  Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty.  Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.

My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago.  It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public.  We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw.  My sister is an emotional creature and always has been.  I was always the cautious and worried one.   So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time.  Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about.  The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly.  I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core.  ***Spoiler alert for the movie***  The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister.  No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second.  We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what.  I have never trusted any other relationship like that.

I'm starting to trust people again.  Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself.  Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people.  I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown.  I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway.  I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.

Connections

Something I've been thinking a lot about is connections to other people.  I always saw myself as kind of a loner.  I never really felt like I truly fit in, even though I got along with pretty much everyone.  I haven't had a lot of connections in my life where I trusted other people enough to share my feelings on such a deep level.  Lately, however, with "coming out" to more people, I have begun to realize that the connections I have made are quite important.  I've also started making new connections with people due to this amazing thing called the internet.

Can you imagine what something like the transitioning process for a transgender person or a couple dealing with transgender issues would be like before the internet?  What are the odds that other people would be able to relate to what you are going through before that?  It must have been really lonely.  How would you do research?  How would you know what other people in your situation feel like?  It would be difficult and much harder to do anonymously.

I have been talking to some really great people through my connections I've made simply by searching on the internet.  I was really afraid at first to even research the subject on the internet of couples dealing with trans issues because I didn't want to see the bad news.  Couples who broke up because of it, finding out what the transitioning person really feels like, maybe things I didn't want to think about.  When I did finally give in though, I eventually found great support and people who could relate to what was happening in my life.  Sure, I did find the bad things too, but everyone has different situations and perspectives.  I didn't feel so alone because I found other people in the world who felt like I do.  I didn't feel so weird for being someone who could accept the situation and embrace changes to come.  I gathered the strength to actually email some people, comment on some blogs, and found that there were people out there who I've never met that I feel a connection with who I could be honest with about my feelings.

In a way, I think it was almost easier to talk to the people I met over the internet than people I have known for years when talking about this issue.  I don't have to censor myself, I don't have to consider past relationships or behaviors or how what I say might affect a relationship with someone I have in everyday life.  Is that any less of an important connection though, if you don't know someone face to face?  Yes, I have the luxury of thinking out anything you are going to write to someone over the internet, but I also have the freedom of not having any preconceived notions of who I am or what I may have been in the past.  I think we sometimes get stuck in patterns with our relations with people we've known for years where we act a certain way or censor things we might say because of history.  I need to know that we all grow over time so sometimes the actions or reactions I expect might not be what I think they will be.

Another realization I have had is about the connections I have had all along that I never knew were so strong.  (It's been in front of you all along Dorothy)  Maybe I did know it, but had trust issues and had expectations of being disappointed by people.  In going through this journey, I have found that the people I have chosen to surround myself with are people I can trust with my emotions.  I go back to a quote, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  It's the truth.  I am prepared that some people will have difficulty dealing with our situation and am prepared that I may lose connections in the process.  I was less prepared for how little it really mattered to the people who truly care about us.  I have realized now that the people who truly care about me and my spouse are there for us no matter what comes our way.

I am so grateful for the people I have connected with.  They may not always understand my views or what I am going through, but they will be there for me and my spouse no matter what.  They ask questions, they probe for further understanding, but the ultimate question is if we are happy.  That is the true question.  That is the test of a true friend, if they just want for your happiness.

What's my point?  I just wanted to acknowledge the importance of finding connection, whether they are new ones or recognizing what you have had all along.  I also want to thank the people who have been there for me and have been helping me on my journey.  I could not have gotten to a better place within myself without such tremendous people to help inspire me or just be there to listen.  I'm feeling like less of a loner and stronger just being myself.