Changing Perspective

So, it's been about a month since the last post.  At that point, I had a realization that I probably needed to do some serious work on me instead of focusing so much on what was going on with my spouse.  Since then, there have been ups, downs and a few sideways emotional changes with me.

I finally admitted some things to both myself and my spouse about how deep I was into the depression again.  It's so hard to see how bad it is when you're in it. It wasn't really until the things I was so focused on being upset or anxious about started getting better.  At that point, I didn't have something else to place the blame on except myself and my depression.

It's extremely hard to explain to people who have never experienced actual clinical-type depression.  Luckily, I found the TED Talks awhile back that helped me express to other people how I felt.  I posted a link to that in a previous blog.  I also had a friend who showed me another blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html which explained it very honestly and clearly.  That blog explained it with the sense of humor I really appreciate.  

It doesn't make logical sense why we (depressed people) feel what we do, that's what is so frustrating about it.  

One of the best things that I learned from both of those sources is that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  It's not exactly being sad, it's a slow regression of emotions really.  The inability to feel anything.  One of the lines from the TED Talks was, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality."  So true.  One definition of vitality is "capacity for survival or for the continuation of a meaningful or purposeful existence."  

I felt like nothing mattered, nothing good or bad meant anything to anyone.  It becomes a sick cycle and my conclusion was that the negative thoughts in my head are just a hinderance to everyone around me.  How could anyone really care about someone who thinks such things?  They couldn't, so everything in life is really just meaningless.

Yikes.  Even writing those thoughts down sucks.  I can't believe I got to a place like again that without realizing it.  

So, I expressed some of the thoughts that go through my head to my spouse who, of course, immediately became alarmed.  At first, I felt stupid for letting the thoughts out.  That's why I don't say anything, because it scares people.  I suppose I really did it on purpose though, even if it wasn't exaclty my intention to force help upon myself.  I guess I knew I needed to get help again.

I agreed to go back on the depression medication.  It felt like a failure of my brain or willpower to be able to just "beat it" with common sense and logic.  But that isn't how it works.  It's a malfunction in my brain's wiring.  I just have to accept that and know that it doesn't make me weak or stupid for not being able to just fix it on my own.  I also made an appointment to meet with a counselor again.  That feels stupid to me too because if I already know what my issues are, why can't I just deal with it on my own?  Counseling really does help though because sometimes you need an outside perspective from a person you aren't personally involved with so you can be really honest with and not fear what you say might hurt them in some way.

The medication experience this time was vastly different than the last few times I tried it.  I was taking the same exact medication, same doses, but reacted quite differently than ever before.  I experienced a panic attack the first day, felt like I didn't exist for a day or two (which is a side effect called de-personalization) and then just couldn't stop crying another day.  It felt like a huge mistake at first and didn't make sense.  Then I realized that since I'm no longer on birth control, my hormones aren't regulated like they were in the past.  It finally evened out for the most part, but I still am tired pretty much all the time and have trouble concentrating.  I think that is another side effect, but hopefully that will pass too.

What did happen though (after 5-6 days of weird side effects) was pretty incredible.  I felt like I woke up from some kind of coma I've been in for months.  I couldn't believe I let that go on for so long.  I had forgotten (or was unable) to feel happiness at all.  I could express happiness for others, but never actually felt it.  What the fuck???  

Something that was a bit of a sore spot with my spouse was her feeling like it was her fault.  It was absolutely not her fault.  Yes, she decided to transition.  Yes, it was the best thing for her and for our marriage.  Yes, it may have triggered something in me that causes me to go into depression, but that isn't her fault.  

Depression can be triggered by major life events, but doesn't mean that it is that person's fault.  It just means that the brain of a person suffering with depression isn't capable of handling emotion like other people, especially in circumstances which really alter your life.  Deaths of loved ones were the past triggers for me.  This was kind of like a death in a way.  Mourning the loss of my husband, which is even stranger when I still have a spouse who is SO much happier than ever before.  We're happier as a couple, but apparently my brain gets stuck in depression when I feel deep grief.  

So, back to after the initial side effects of the medication...

I am finally feeling better now and back to what I think is more of my true self.  I can feel silly again.  I can feel happy again.  I can face problems or issues without feeling like everything is SUCH a struggle.  Such small things felt like SO much work.  Now it doesn't seem like such a monumentous task to simply make plans and hang out with friends.  I don't feel like being alone all the time.  I can start caring about things again.  I'm not fully functional or "normal" yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm so thankful for all of those who have been so patient with me through this.  Feeling more aware now of what had been happening, I feel guilty for putting other people through that.  At the same time, I know I would do it for them had the situations been reversed, so I'm trying to just accept that relationships are just that...give and take.  Acceptance and forgiveness.  Being there for each other is what it's all about.  Addressing issues and accepting that people will still love you even if you act crazy, sad, irrational, angry, or whatever might make them uncomfortable is what makes relationships work.  Not just romantic relationships, but all relationships.  

I finally feel more hopeful about the future.  Maybe hopeful isn't even the right word...maybe it is vitality.  Maybe I do have meaning and purpose in this world.  Maybe my experiences will reach others and help them cope with their own issues.  

Maybe we all do deserve to feel happy and are meaningful in this world, no matter how fucked up we might feel in our own mind.

So....What Now?

I asked my spouse just before she received the official documentation designating her as female with her new name about how she would feel once she accomplished that goal.  I basically said, "So now what?"  By that, I meant what would she focus on once the goal was met.

I asked the question mainly out of curiosity.  I enjoy thinking about the human psyche.  What does any person do once they have obtained a goal they have been so focused on for so many years?  What I imagined in my head was that finally getting something which has been a lifelong goal would somehow feel strangely empty.  I'm not sure why exactly I think that.  I suppose I have never had such a strong longing to achieve something, so couldn't imagine what you do after that.

This is a strange point to be at with the transition.  There aren't any other really big milestones to reach besides the actual surgery now.  Surgery can't happen for quite awhile anyhow because of the guidelines about how long she needs to be living "full time" as a woman and saving up for the amount we would need to pay out of pocket for it.  Insurance covers a large portion, but it's not a cheap surgery.  So, now we wait. 

At the time I asked the "Now what?" quesiton, I thought I was simply asking about how she felt about it.  I realize now that I was asking myself the same question.  So much of the past year and a half of my life has been spent thinking about all the implications of how every part of the transition will affect each of us as individuals and how it will impact the relationship.  So much of the focus has been on her that sometimes I forget to think about myself.  More accurately, maybe I don't want to think about myself.

It's hard for me to think about the waiting period until surgery, but it's also more difficult to imagine afterward.  Once there is no other milestone to focus on, how do I set new goals?  How do we figure out new goals as a couple?  It's foreign to me to think about just living a day to day life without some kind of drama, something to worry about, something to be excited about, something to fear...something that keeps me moving forward.    

I have tried to do some small things for myself, like being more creative with my artwork in my spare time or write about my feelings, but I haven't really set any goals for myself or have been able to even think about life after the surgery.  I keep telling myself that I will start working on getting better at healthy coping skills, exercise, spend more time with friends and family, and stop focusing so much on my spouse.  It's really difficult not to focus on her because she is going through so much and having these wonderful realizations and milestones.  It feels really important that I support her during this period and not add my own frustrations, fears or needs into the mix.  Yes, I know that is classic co-dependent behavior...I'm working on it. 

Maybe that is the difference between people who suffer from depression/anxiety and people who don't.  Perhaps those of us who have the combination of depression and anxiety need a reason why we feel the (sometimes) ridiculous things we do.  Without a reason, that means we have to deal with the fact that it isn't necessarily our situation that is causing the feelings.  It's also possible that we choose difficult situations subconsciously to distract us from the chaos in our own minds.  That could be easier than admitting that the irrational thoughts and feelings could be an actual imbalance in the brain.  I'm not sure why it's so hard to admit the brain might simply be mis-wired. 

I have (literally just now) had the realization of what the uncomfortable part of where my spouse's transition is.  Now that she has reached her personal goal, I am going to have to start being accountable for my own feelings.  I can't place any focus or blame on my own feelings toward her.  She's quite happy.  I need to get on board with this "happy" thing or do something about my own issues.  Some of the focus within our marriage might be pointed in my direciton.  Well...shit...

I've said it before, but I do think I was meant to be with my spouse for a reason.  As much as people think I'm "strong" or "brave" or whatever for supporting my spouse, I have learned equally as much about myself by being a part of it.  I need her just as much, if not more, than she needs me for support.  We're lucky to have each other and I hope everyone can find the mutual understanding and love we have for one another.  No matter what happens in the future, I will always cherish everything I have learned from being with her.  Her courage inspires me and gives me hope that maybe I can figure out what my true bliss is too.