People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

Changing Perspective

So, it's been about a month since the last post.  At that point, I had a realization that I probably needed to do some serious work on me instead of focusing so much on what was going on with my spouse.  Since then, there have been ups, downs and a few sideways emotional changes with me.

I finally admitted some things to both myself and my spouse about how deep I was into the depression again.  It's so hard to see how bad it is when you're in it. It wasn't really until the things I was so focused on being upset or anxious about started getting better.  At that point, I didn't have something else to place the blame on except myself and my depression.

It's extremely hard to explain to people who have never experienced actual clinical-type depression.  Luckily, I found the TED Talks awhile back that helped me express to other people how I felt.  I posted a link to that in a previous blog.  I also had a friend who showed me another blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html which explained it very honestly and clearly.  That blog explained it with the sense of humor I really appreciate.  

It doesn't make logical sense why we (depressed people) feel what we do, that's what is so frustrating about it.  

One of the best things that I learned from both of those sources is that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  It's not exactly being sad, it's a slow regression of emotions really.  The inability to feel anything.  One of the lines from the TED Talks was, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality."  So true.  One definition of vitality is "capacity for survival or for the continuation of a meaningful or purposeful existence."  

I felt like nothing mattered, nothing good or bad meant anything to anyone.  It becomes a sick cycle and my conclusion was that the negative thoughts in my head are just a hinderance to everyone around me.  How could anyone really care about someone who thinks such things?  They couldn't, so everything in life is really just meaningless.

Yikes.  Even writing those thoughts down sucks.  I can't believe I got to a place like again that without realizing it.  

So, I expressed some of the thoughts that go through my head to my spouse who, of course, immediately became alarmed.  At first, I felt stupid for letting the thoughts out.  That's why I don't say anything, because it scares people.  I suppose I really did it on purpose though, even if it wasn't exaclty my intention to force help upon myself.  I guess I knew I needed to get help again.

I agreed to go back on the depression medication.  It felt like a failure of my brain or willpower to be able to just "beat it" with common sense and logic.  But that isn't how it works.  It's a malfunction in my brain's wiring.  I just have to accept that and know that it doesn't make me weak or stupid for not being able to just fix it on my own.  I also made an appointment to meet with a counselor again.  That feels stupid to me too because if I already know what my issues are, why can't I just deal with it on my own?  Counseling really does help though because sometimes you need an outside perspective from a person you aren't personally involved with so you can be really honest with and not fear what you say might hurt them in some way.

The medication experience this time was vastly different than the last few times I tried it.  I was taking the same exact medication, same doses, but reacted quite differently than ever before.  I experienced a panic attack the first day, felt like I didn't exist for a day or two (which is a side effect called de-personalization) and then just couldn't stop crying another day.  It felt like a huge mistake at first and didn't make sense.  Then I realized that since I'm no longer on birth control, my hormones aren't regulated like they were in the past.  It finally evened out for the most part, but I still am tired pretty much all the time and have trouble concentrating.  I think that is another side effect, but hopefully that will pass too.

What did happen though (after 5-6 days of weird side effects) was pretty incredible.  I felt like I woke up from some kind of coma I've been in for months.  I couldn't believe I let that go on for so long.  I had forgotten (or was unable) to feel happiness at all.  I could express happiness for others, but never actually felt it.  What the fuck???  

Something that was a bit of a sore spot with my spouse was her feeling like it was her fault.  It was absolutely not her fault.  Yes, she decided to transition.  Yes, it was the best thing for her and for our marriage.  Yes, it may have triggered something in me that causes me to go into depression, but that isn't her fault.  

Depression can be triggered by major life events, but doesn't mean that it is that person's fault.  It just means that the brain of a person suffering with depression isn't capable of handling emotion like other people, especially in circumstances which really alter your life.  Deaths of loved ones were the past triggers for me.  This was kind of like a death in a way.  Mourning the loss of my husband, which is even stranger when I still have a spouse who is SO much happier than ever before.  We're happier as a couple, but apparently my brain gets stuck in depression when I feel deep grief.  

So, back to after the initial side effects of the medication...

I am finally feeling better now and back to what I think is more of my true self.  I can feel silly again.  I can feel happy again.  I can face problems or issues without feeling like everything is SUCH a struggle.  Such small things felt like SO much work.  Now it doesn't seem like such a monumentous task to simply make plans and hang out with friends.  I don't feel like being alone all the time.  I can start caring about things again.  I'm not fully functional or "normal" yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm so thankful for all of those who have been so patient with me through this.  Feeling more aware now of what had been happening, I feel guilty for putting other people through that.  At the same time, I know I would do it for them had the situations been reversed, so I'm trying to just accept that relationships are just that...give and take.  Acceptance and forgiveness.  Being there for each other is what it's all about.  Addressing issues and accepting that people will still love you even if you act crazy, sad, irrational, angry, or whatever might make them uncomfortable is what makes relationships work.  Not just romantic relationships, but all relationships.  

I finally feel more hopeful about the future.  Maybe hopeful isn't even the right word...maybe it is vitality.  Maybe I do have meaning and purpose in this world.  Maybe my experiences will reach others and help them cope with their own issues.  

Maybe we all do deserve to feel happy and are meaningful in this world, no matter how fucked up we might feel in our own mind.