Thoughts and Updates

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything.  Time flies and we don't... 

So...my marriage is still going strong.  It's pretty much settled back into a regular marriage.  Day to day activities, routine, working and back to what feels like our "normal."  I think we are in some ways stronger than we've ever been because we communicate a lot more than we used to.  Overall, things between my spouse and I are pretty great right now. 

I usually tend to keep this blog purely about my own thoughts and feelings and try not to get political or speak for any transgendered person.  I can't exactly speak for them because I have no true understanding of how it feels to live that life.  I can empathize and sympathize, but that is the best I can do.  I will never understand the internal struggles.  I don't presume to know everything about being transgendered because my spouse is.  I do, however, have a far better education about it than most of the general public, so I'm going to rant a bit...

First of all, I want to say that I'm proud that the transgender (and all spectrums of gender identity and sexuality) issues are being spoken about.  It's important for people to realize that it isn't a fad, it isn't like people are just trying to "be cool" by becoming part of that community.  It is real.  It is a terribly difficult existence for a lot of people, especially before it was publicy discussed.  We should all be able to live authentically and as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, we should all be afforded that right.  

The issue of trans people being unable to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with is one that is particularly upsetting to me.  It feels to me a lot like stepping backwards to when it was legal in our country to have separate bathrooms, fountains or lunch counters for "colored" people.  It's bullshit.  The arguments are not valid ones.  

First, it seems the bathroom issue is mainly targeted at MTF trans people.  The argument I have heard is that people are afraid of letting their children go into a bathroom where someone who was technically born a biological man might be.  I honestly don't understand any of the arguments surrounding this issue.  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  Men's bathrooms do as well, and chances are that most trans men would choose to simply use a stall instead of a urinal.  Children aren't going to see any trans woman or men exposing private parts to them.  If people have a fear of that, they are so grossly uninformed about how trans people feel.  In my experience, they are extremely conscientious and are of just trying to fit in without being noticed and doing everything they can so they don't make others uncomfortable because of their differences.

I feel that what people are afraid of is pedophilia, not transgendered people.  Pedophilia is sick and wrong,  but it has nothing to do with this conversation.  It is terribly offensive to assume there is any correlation between trans peple and criminal acts, especially against children.  Pedophiles can be men or women, and they may target children of either the same sex or opposite sex.  You might as well just not even take your child into public if you are that afraid of your child perhaps crossing paths with a stranger who may or may not be a pedophile.  

As a cis-gendered woman, I honestly don't give a shit about who uses what bathrooms.  Ever.  I wouldn't care if a cis-gendered guy came in and used the women's room.  I've used plenty of men's rooms with no incidents...their lines are usually WAY shorter and when you have to go...you have to go.  Again, there are always bathroom stalls, even in men's rooms.  You always have privacy when you're going to the bathroom in a stall.  If someone is looking under or over the stall...yes, please notify authorities.  Otherwise, just LET PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM.  

I don't know that there is a lot I can do to help the cause, to make a difference with the LGBTQ community, but I sometimes feel like I should be more vocal in some way.  I influence people in my immediate circles and I have written this blog to attempt to give support to both trans people and the ones who love them.  I want people to know that love is love, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, or whatever else may separate us from the herd.  We're all unique and that's okay.  

The trans people I know, have spoken to, or have read about are quite courageous in my opinion.  They have, against all the fears society may have about them, chosen to live their authentic lives.  How many people can honestly say they are committed to being their authentic selves?  How many of us even know what that means?  It's not always easy to know exactly who you are and what your internal "truth" is.  To be brave enough to express yourself no matter the consequences of how society views you is an admirable thing.  

I am a much better person for having my spouse in my life.  I have learned what courage is.  I have learned more about what true love is.  I have a more complete understanding of humanity and that we are all just trying to navigate life in the best way we know how, so compassion and empathy are of the upmost importance.  We can all learn from each other if we only open up and listen.

What's in a Name Change?

There have been some really exciting things happening for my spouse and I in the past few months.  It all happened quite quickly, so I haven't had too much time for writing lately.  It's been a whirlwind of paperwork and research, but we are both very happy with what has resulted.

We went to another appointment with the hormone doctor.  That went extremely well.  I always like to go along to show my support and to listen to all the things the doctor is saying.  I know it's always a bit of an intense experience for my spouse just with all the anticipation of what is the next step, making sure all things are in place on the timeline for transition, etc.

I have to say I think my presence and honesty with the doctor has played a big role in how well he understands the true support that my spouse has.  I'm not only focusing on positive or negative...I'm just truthful.  I think expressing only one way or the other would just be deceptive.  He's a wonderful doctor and honestly wants to know how I'm doing with everything.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think the fact that we are both honest with him has had an impact.  I express that yes, I do have some frustrations but that overall this is the best thing that could ever happen for my spouse and has been a wonderful thing for our marriage in the respect that we are both much more open an honest about our feelings...which isn't easy.  Good, absolutely...but not easy.

At the end of the appointment, he asked if we had any other questions.  We mentioned that she wanted to do the official name change, so he asked if she wanted the letter of affirmation.  She said yes, but didn't understand exactly what he was about to give us.  My spouse checked just for spelling, but didn't really read the letter until we had gotten home.  I knew what it meant.  It said she has had appropriate treatment to transition to the female gender.  Only later did it really hit her what it actually said.

That was "the" letter.  "The" letter is important for many reasons.  It's important not only to surgeons who will eventually be performing the GRS (or SRS or whatever it's called now) but it also allows for some legal document changes right now.  So, as it sank in for her what it meant, I began my research.

Every state is different on how they handle name and gender changes, so not all of what we experienced will happen to all of you who want this change, but what I want to emphasize is that you need to do your research.  The clerks and other state employees aren't real familiar with the process, so the more documentation you have ready for them, the better.  From what my spouse said, most of the clerks (really all females in our case) were kind of excited for something different.

The name change itself was not too big a deal.  I mean, yes...a big deal for us, but wasn't much trouble.  The entire process does cost some money, a few hundred bucks all together with all the filing fees, but totally worth it in the end.

In our case, we were able to petition for a "confidential name change."  This has a few implications.  In our state, if you want to change your name, you usually need to publish that in a newspaper for a few weeks in case you are trying to get out of some type of debt, etc. but there is another confidential form you can petition for if you have just cause and you are not trying to ellude some finincial difficulty.  We debated this because we don't really care if anyone knows, but it would publish the name and address.  You never know what stranger might have a problem with who you are and want to commit some crime against you.  That really was our only reason for going that route.  The name change doesn't affect the gender on anything.  It's just the name.  That all went through without a hitch.

In our state, the gender marker on the birth certificate cannot change until after surgery.  Bummer.  Right away, we were a little disappointed because we thought it would impact the driver's license.  I did more research and found out how to approach the other documents and I found out how we could get around that.

Social Security (which is Federal, not state) passed a law in something like 2003 that all you need to do in order to change the gender on your social security card is a letter of affirmation from a medical doctor.  Aha!  We had that!!!  Then came the driver's license.  In our state (and I'm assuming most others) the way they check the identity of someone during a name change at the DMV is if their social security number, name and gender all match.  They use the Social Security records.  So, as long as we changed the social security record first, then the DMV record, it all went through.  What a relief!

Both Social Security and the DMV went through with no problem except perhaps a bit more waiting time than the normal customer.  They just had to verify the documents and laws we presented to them. (I recommend highlighting the areas they need to focus on)

The biggest thing that has been such a worry for my spouse is having to explain the difference between what someone is seeing and the identification presented.  Sure, the birth certificate won't change until after surgery, but who cares?  Who really looks at that anyway?

I just thought I'd share the process we went through in case anyone else was having thoughts and concerns about how to approach it.  My advice is to look up the laws first yourself, print out what you find and highlight anything of importance for the clerks who have to decipher it.  Check with your state Vital Records office on their particular requirements for birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.

Long story short, my spouse now officially has a social security card and driver's license which indicates her new name as well as the appropriate gender.  We could not be more excited!

Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

Social Media and Transitioning Genders

It occurred to me since the beginning of my spouse's transition from male to female how hard this must have been before the internet and social media.  Not just for the person who is transitioning, but for the spouse or significant other of someone going through a transition.

Where in the world would people find information about this subject before the internet?  Where would spouses find support from others going through the same thing?  It would be nearly impossible.  What did people do before the internet?  I'm of the era where I didn't grow up with any internet access.  There just wasn't such a thing until I was pretty much an adult.  (As much as an 18 year old is an adult :) )

I'm so incredibly thankful that there is a network now where people can share information and be a part of social media groups with people from all over the country, or even other parts of the world.  What we spouses are going through is such a unique and lonely feeling sometimes.  As much as friends and family try and understand, there is nothing that compares to sharing these feelings and experiences with others who actually have experienced the same thing.

Yes, our transitioning partners also need their own groups.  There are many more of those out there on the internet than support groups or blogs from the other perspective of a significant other or spouse.  (I'm going to use "spouse" from here on out so I don't have to continue to write Spouse or Significant Other / Partner)

I'm not sure if the lack of support or writing from our perspective as spouses is because we don't reach out with social media, or if there are just so few of us out there that are supportive of our spouses.  Are we that unique?  Are so many of us too afraid to reach out or write about it?  Are there so few of these type of relationships that last?  I'd be very interested to learn more about that.

If it is the case that most spouses are too afraid to communicate about it for fear of being "found out," how can we engange them to talk about their own issues?  Everything that's put out there on the internet is able to be "found out" in some way, right?  How can they feel safe?  If you Facebook someone as a friend, who might question you on who that person is?  If you post on a blog, who can find out?  It's definetly scary.

For me, I was very afraid at first to put anything about my real self out there.  I didn't want anyone to accidentally find out who my spouse was before she was ready to reveal it.  So I made up a fake name and email account, mainly to protect her identity.  That worked for me to feel free enough to speak my mind and only tell specific people what my alternate identity was on social media.  Now, I really don't care so much.  This blog is still fairly anonymous, but those who have accepted me in Facebook groups now have my real identity.

What's my point?  If you are a spouse / partner, or even the person going through a transition, don't be afraid to reach out.  If you aren't comfortable at first putting your own information out there, you can always create an alternate version of yourself that doesn't necessarily identify you to people you might not want to know about you quite yet.  Just reach out.  It could be helpful and you might find support and friends you never would have found otherwise.

Update on progress

I realize that my posts are about me and my feelings, but I think sometimes other people in this type of situation want to hear about my spouse's progress and how we're handling each step.  Out of respect for my spouse, I don't want to try and speak on her behalf on how she feels.  That is her journey, not mine.  I can, however, talk about how I feel about the changes.

The transition is progressing nicely.  It's only been about 8 months since the decision to transition, but she has come a log way.  We're "out" to pretty much everyone, including some people at each of our jobs.  She has spoken to HR about the transition and they are more than willing to accommodate any needs she has and are accepting of the situation.  She has a few co-workers who know as well as supervisors.  Everyone has been tremendously supportive.  Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) started about 6 weeks ago.  For the first month, she was given testosterone blockers, then estrogen was introduced about 2 weeks ago.  She still isn't going to work as "herself" or going in public, but I feel like that will be happening fairly soon.  She would like to do work on the facial hair first.  Once she is comfortable enough, it is recommended that she lives full time as a woman before they will consider surgery.

So, how do I feel?  I feel surprisingly calm right now about everything.  I really believe the work I have been doing on myself and writing has helped me tremendously with coping with the changes.  If I didn't take a hard look at myself and my own issues, I think things would not be going so smoothly.  I haven't gone back to counseling yet, but I will if I feel it's necessary.  I have had a lot of support through friends, family and Facebook groups.  I know not everyone is so lucky and I am extremely grateful for everyone who is there for us.

I feel myself at times getting a bit impatient with her choice not to go full time yet.  I have to remind myself how hard that would be to just jump in and change how everyone sees you all the time.  She could face some real challenges and I do get nervous about her getting her feelings hurt.  I think I also am just anxious for her to start her full-time life as a woman because that means the surgery is that much closer.  I understand that it is a gradual process, but I am just really looking forward to seeing her fully engage with all areas of her life as she was meant to be.  Flip-flopping between identities has to be difficult and confusing.

I thought I would feel more sad, or nervous, or something when she started the HRT.  I was a bit nervous in the beginning that her feelings about me would change, or that she might start resenting me as a reminder of who she was before.  We had a few conversations about that and worked through it.  I'm still waiting for the hormones to cause the wild mood swings us women have to endure, but so far it doesn't appear to have that effect on her.  I'm not sure how long it takes for the emotional part to kick in, but I just keep bracing myself for it.  As long as we keep communicating about it, I'm sure we'll get through that just fine too.

I find myself more and more excited about seeing the changes that are yet to come.  What I see is someone who is becoming more comfortable and confident about herself.  She has seemed much calmer and appears far more content right now.  I find myself more in love and appreciative of my marriage every day.  I know the road ahead isn't going to be all sunshine and roses, but I feel very good about the path we are both on with ourselves, and as a couple.

Getting Comfortable

There have been a lot of things in the past month or so that have been emotionally charged, but have been so wonderful for me and my marriage.  I have thought so much about what I love about the person I'm married to and what had slowly gone by the wayside over time that I missed.  I missed our long night conversations that we had in the beginning of our relationship.  I missed the "new car smell" of discovering someone else.  I missed learning about someone else's views on life.

I suppose that's the way most relationships go, losing the newness of it all.  I feel like we have that newness back again.  It's great, emotional, passionate, but also a bit scary.  Why is scary good?  I don't really know the answer to that, just that it's not stagnant like most relationships get over time.  Comfortable?  Predicable?  Why might that feel so boring?  I guess that the excitement of learning someone else's little idiosyncrasies, secrets or true feelings tend to fade away over time.  Why can't I be more comfortable with the predictable?  I'm not sure about that either.  Is anyone comfortable with that or is it just...numbness?

I feel like we get too set in our ways that we think we always know what our significant others (or anyone close to us) are thinking that we don't stop to consider that people can actually change.  We all change over time.  Not just in something like what me and my spouse are experiencing, but all of us.  People can change their beliefs, their opinions, their thought processes.  How do we convince others who have known us for a long period of time that we have grown?  That's a difficult thing to accept.  We have a pre-conceived notion about who a person is that maybe we sometimes stifle what they are becoming.

I'm actually quite excited to see this new side of my spouse.  It feels like a completely new relationship, even though we have been together so long.  Things are changing about how we communicate, how we relate to each other and even our compassion for each other.  It's hard to let go of past assumptions of feelings sometimes, but we are getting there.

Something has shifted in my mind.  I don't think of my spouse as "him" anymore.  When I talk about "him," I think "her" now.  When I think of the future, I think of us as a lesbian couple.  When I'm talking to people, I want to say the female name or use the prounoun "her."  I feel badly when I see "him" because I know that isn't the person who is really inside.  The male part now has become the costume instead of the female.  It's not that I can't handle seeing "him" or that I'm not comfortable, but I just know that it's frustrating for my spouse to live a dual life.

There have been so many significant moments lately where family and friends have become acquainted with her and seem to be more and more comfortable.  For me, the hardest thing is to see "him" walk through the door after work, knowing that "he" had to pretend all day not to be who she really is.  I am actually excited now for the moment when it becomes full-time, just so the duality ceases to be and we can just be ourselves both as individuals, and as this new couple.

There are so many new things on the horizion to look forward to that I feel a sense of renewal in my life.  I don't know where it might go, but I have hope that things will be much better for both of us.  I am gaining a new sense of myself, so is she.  I sure hope both of us feel after the full transition like we can walk this new path together, but I don't feel so afraid anymore if we had to each walk our own paths.  Maybe it's kind of like the saying, "If you love someone, set them free..."  and now I feel like we both have the freedom to be ourselves no matter what.  At this moment, I feel more in love than ever and so proud of how each of us have grown so far.  We are letting each other in to all of our true feelings and trying to let go of the past.  Just live in the moment, right? :)

Letting more people in

The past few weeks have been emotionally draining, but also wonderful.  Coming out to my spouse's family that my husband is transgendered was good, bad, but also has lead to other things to move the transition forward.

Most of the family was amazingly supportive and I feel such a tremendous relief that no matter what happens with our marriage, she will have family to be there.  I guess there was a part of me that felt a bit of a burden that I was the only one who really knew and could be there for my spouse in the emotions of this secret.  I am so grateful for the genuine outpouring of love and feel like this is going to create a really strong bond among all of us.

The negative reactions weren't real surprising.  Her mother of course, is quite confused and isn't handling it very well.  I didn't expect her to be supportive but frankly, don't really care if she's upset.  She has never been emotionally supportive of any of her children and maybe it is a good thing that she has to face what kind of person she has been.  It's the same thing with one of the sisters.  She too has not been emotionally supportive of anyone but herself and she might have to take a look in the mirror.

Today is another day of telling some people who are really important in our lives.  As nervous as I am about telling the people who are really close friends of "his", I am also relieved.  We won't have to pretend anymore.  I am sad for them that they are going to have to face losing one of the people who have been really important in their lives, but hopeful that they might be able to accept the change.

We still have to tell most of my family.  It's not that I haven't been ready to do that, but the timing hasn't worked out quite yet.  Each one of these talks is incredibly emotional, whether it's positive or negative.  It's exposing your emotions to others and that has been draining for both of us.  It's also a lot of work because people do want to continue to talk and we haven't been this social in a very long time.

We have made some important steps and she has been so brave.  I'm so proud of her that she is becoming the person she has always felt on the inside.  We went to a wig shop together, we went out on the town together and she even went to the last therapy session en femme.  I am amazed at the amount of courage she has and am so proud to be married to someone with that kind of inner strength.  I'm actually finding the strength within myself too.  I have found that to be strong, you also need to be vulnerable.  Being closed off and putting up emotional barriers isn't the kind of strength I thought it was.

I had an epiphany last night.  The feminine side of this person is the one I actually fell in love with in the first place.  When we first met, the personality was more like the one I am seeing right now.  It didn't really occur to me that over time things had changed with the personality until I started seeing it again.  I could never really put my finger on what was changing, but now I see that it was just a gradual withdrawal from each other.  I'm so happy that we have started going back to what we were in the beginning of our relationship.  Like the Wizard of Oz said...the answer was in front of us all along.

Finding balance and getting back to being me

At this particular stage, not everyone in my life knows what I am going through but the ones who do have been incredibly supportive.  I have been having some struggles within myself simply not knowing how to find my balance.  Who am I, where do I fit into this world and what do I need?  You know, the little questions. :)

The focus of so much in my life right now has revolved around my spouse and doing whatever I can to be supportive.  I find new clothes for her, we talk about what changes are to come in our lives because of the transition and all the feelings for both of us in relation to that.  It's not surprising that this has been the focus, of course it is.  It's a big change and we want to make sure we're doing all we can in order to be realistic but also support each other and make our marriage a good one.

I find myself with any of my alone time just wanting to learn more about the transgender issue.  I spend so much of my time researching, reading blogs, and watching videos.  I've been staying up too late and not sleeping enough.  I know I need to research things to get a better understanding of what might be happening for us both, but it's consuming most of my "me" time.  When I go shopping without her, I find myself looking for things she'll like and what will look good on her.

I also don't ever want to do things without her anymore.  I used to go out with friends more.  I used to do crafts by myself or with friends more.  Now, anything I do outside of the house without her makes me feel guilty.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I can't help what I feel sometimes.  I think the guilt comes from me knowing that my spouse is just sitting at home and if she's dressed, isn't going to go anywhere.  She's stuck there until the time when she's finally ready to go out in public and I don't want her to feel lonely.

I ask myself if my obsession with finding out all I can about transgender issues and the shopping thing is bit of an avoidance behavior.  Am I avoiding something about myself that I don't want to face?  It's easier to focus on someone else's issues than to have to look in the mirror.  So, I'm trying to figure out what that thing is.

I was reading another blog today about a wife's anxieties with her spouse not making the commitment to go all the way with the transition and just live somewhere in the middle. That brought some of what I'm fearing to light.  When I read her blog, I was thinking to myself that it was really unfair of her spouse to leave her sitting in limbo not knowing what is going to happen.  It occurred to me that I might be going so full steam ahead with this because I don't want to be back in that limbo with my spouse.  It's uncomfortable not knowing what's going to happen.

I fear how much I love my spouse and how deeply I am connecting with her.  I fear that opening up my heart is dangerous because maybe she will change so much that we don't connect anymore.  What if she decides she want someone else and leaves?  What if I can't handle it and I leave?  Oh the "what ifs..."  I feel myself shutting down and putting the wall up again.  It seems to happen right after having beautifully touching moments or great nights with her, which seems odd to me but probably makes sense.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, the uncertainty.  If we just hurry up and "get this over with", maybe I'll have the answers I need.  Then I will know one way or the other if our marriage is going to survive.  Yes, I know...that is ridiculous.  People grow and change, marriages change even without dealing with a transgender issue.  Surgery, no surgery, what the hormones might do, what our relationship will become, none of that changes the fact that I am in a marriage right now.  We are in a good place right now and I need to be in the moment more.

I can't rush this.  I can't push too much and as much as I am in this too, the transition is not my struggle.  Yes, the changes in our marriage are both of our struggle, but I cannot control my spouse's emotions or decisions on transitioning.  I can't put a checklist and timeline on when the transition will be "complete."  I can be supportive and be open about myself, but I need to just relax.

Writing about this does help a lot.  It helps me see when I am being rational or irrational and what some of the root causes might be behind my behavior or anxiety.  It forces me to slow down and really think about things.  I can also look back and see things I have overcome and remind myself that I got through other struggles and am strong enough to face the challenges ahead.

I am going to start doing more for myself.  I need to find happiness in my passions again.  I was asked to put together a cooking class for a group of women who take art classes.  I am excited about that.  It will be a fairly big project and I can go have fun doing something that I love.  Hey, I might even make a few bucks doing it!

My spouse needs time to herself too.  She needs time to process everything going on and find her own things that make her happy.  I cannot make her go out of the house dressed, that decision is up to her.  I've decided to let that go.  I have to let go of any guilt I feel for being happy within myself so I can find my balance.

Connections

Something I've been thinking a lot about is connections to other people.  I always saw myself as kind of a loner.  I never really felt like I truly fit in, even though I got along with pretty much everyone.  I haven't had a lot of connections in my life where I trusted other people enough to share my feelings on such a deep level.  Lately, however, with "coming out" to more people, I have begun to realize that the connections I have made are quite important.  I've also started making new connections with people due to this amazing thing called the internet.

Can you imagine what something like the transitioning process for a transgender person or a couple dealing with transgender issues would be like before the internet?  What are the odds that other people would be able to relate to what you are going through before that?  It must have been really lonely.  How would you do research?  How would you know what other people in your situation feel like?  It would be difficult and much harder to do anonymously.

I have been talking to some really great people through my connections I've made simply by searching on the internet.  I was really afraid at first to even research the subject on the internet of couples dealing with trans issues because I didn't want to see the bad news.  Couples who broke up because of it, finding out what the transitioning person really feels like, maybe things I didn't want to think about.  When I did finally give in though, I eventually found great support and people who could relate to what was happening in my life.  Sure, I did find the bad things too, but everyone has different situations and perspectives.  I didn't feel so alone because I found other people in the world who felt like I do.  I didn't feel so weird for being someone who could accept the situation and embrace changes to come.  I gathered the strength to actually email some people, comment on some blogs, and found that there were people out there who I've never met that I feel a connection with who I could be honest with about my feelings.

In a way, I think it was almost easier to talk to the people I met over the internet than people I have known for years when talking about this issue.  I don't have to censor myself, I don't have to consider past relationships or behaviors or how what I say might affect a relationship with someone I have in everyday life.  Is that any less of an important connection though, if you don't know someone face to face?  Yes, I have the luxury of thinking out anything you are going to write to someone over the internet, but I also have the freedom of not having any preconceived notions of who I am or what I may have been in the past.  I think we sometimes get stuck in patterns with our relations with people we've known for years where we act a certain way or censor things we might say because of history.  I need to know that we all grow over time so sometimes the actions or reactions I expect might not be what I think they will be.

Another realization I have had is about the connections I have had all along that I never knew were so strong.  (It's been in front of you all along Dorothy)  Maybe I did know it, but had trust issues and had expectations of being disappointed by people.  In going through this journey, I have found that the people I have chosen to surround myself with are people I can trust with my emotions.  I go back to a quote, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  It's the truth.  I am prepared that some people will have difficulty dealing with our situation and am prepared that I may lose connections in the process.  I was less prepared for how little it really mattered to the people who truly care about us.  I have realized now that the people who truly care about me and my spouse are there for us no matter what comes our way.

I am so grateful for the people I have connected with.  They may not always understand my views or what I am going through, but they will be there for me and my spouse no matter what.  They ask questions, they probe for further understanding, but the ultimate question is if we are happy.  That is the true question.  That is the test of a true friend, if they just want for your happiness.

What's my point?  I just wanted to acknowledge the importance of finding connection, whether they are new ones or recognizing what you have had all along.  I also want to thank the people who have been there for me and have been helping me on my journey.  I could not have gotten to a better place within myself without such tremendous people to help inspire me or just be there to listen.  I'm feeling like less of a loner and stronger just being myself.

Acceptance

Right now I have this strange sense of calmness and acceptance of my situation.  My spouse has spent more time around me as "her," maybe even more than "him" lately.  I have to say, I have gotten to a point not where I am truly more comfortable with her.  She is much calmer and more comfortable  and, most importantly, happy.

In the beginning of us exploring the idea of transition, I didn't think I needed to grieve a loss of a husband like I had read about other people doing.  At one point last week, it finally came rushing out of me.  Like a lot of the emotions I have had, I wasn't expecting it.  I started thinking about it though and once hormones begin, things will start changing.  I do love the person I married, but do hormones change that person?  What if the new person doesn't act the same?  I know how to love my husband and I know the ways he shows that he loves me.  Will it be the same with her?  Will it be better?  It's weird because I know I'm not losing the person I married, but things are going to be different.

She began therapy last week, so things could really start progressing quickly.  The day before therapy is when I finally had my moment of grief for losing my husband.  The therapy went well and this week will be the second session.  At least we have someone local who she can go see.  Some people have to travel quite far for treatment.  I'm hoping today there will be more of a plan of action.  The first session was more of a beginning consultation, just the basics.

I'm anxious to see when the hormones can begin.  I know that will begin the true transformation.  I'm not sure exactly how soon the effects are felt, but I know significant changes can be seen in just a few months.  I'm not looking forward to mood swings and what I know hormones can do, but looking forward to her feeling complete as a person.  I do hope the hormones will provide that sense for her.

We've told a few more people now.  I can't believe how supportive some people can be.  I have amazing friends.  :)  The ones who know I was pretty sure were going to be great about it and I was right.  We've talked about telling some more family members, but I know that is not going to be easy. Some will probably handle it okay, but I suspect that there will be some that won't be able to deal with it very well.  I can tell myself all I want that I am prepared for it, but I won't know until the time comes.

I know I will be going through a lot more in the coming months, but right now I feel like I have really come to the point of acceptance.  I am excited for the changes to come and am ready to help her through the next phases.

New Year, New Beginnings

Thirteen years ago at midnight tonight was my first kiss with the person who became the love of my life and my spouse.  It was such a sweet moment and I knew it was the beginning of something really special.

I'm feeling really emotional today, but in a good way.  I think I'm just overwhelmed with thinking about the new beginnings to come and exploring this new chapter in my life.  It's going to be an emotional year, that I am sure of.   I'm starting to be okay with feeling the emotions though.  It's getting easier to deal with the anxieties and I'm feeling much more secure with my relationship.  I'm going to try to accept that I can feel happy and not just wait anxiously to see what will cause the happiness to end.  I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

I'm looking forward to the day when we are finally "out".  It's not that I want to announce it to the world, but I do want to not have to hide it.  I also want to share it with the people closest to me so they can understand me and my marriage better.  I know it will be uncomfortable for some, and maybe even unacceptable to others, but that's okay.  I know I will find support, but most importantly I will be living an honest life.

Something I keep going back to in my mind is a documentary I watched many years ago.  It was an interview of Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers.  It's a really long documentary, something like 6 hours, but it was inspirational to me.  I still don't think I've watched the whole thing.  His voice is so soothing, I end up falling asleep. :) One part in particular resonated with me and has helped me when I feel like I'm not being true to myself.  Here is a bit of it:

If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you.  I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

― Joseph Campbell

That struck me as so beautiful.  It seems pretty appropriate to the transgender issue, but it is true for all of us.  My goal for the New Year is to keep this in mind.  I need to encourage my spouse to keep following her bliss and allow myself to follow mine.  I'm hopeful that what each of us needs will lead us to having an ever deepening bond while becoming the people each of us are meant to be.

Happy New Year!!!

Facebook Group - Support for Spouses of Transgender / Transsexuals

I have been reading a new blog (see the link on the right) called My Husband is a Woman.  I have been emailing the writer of the blog and she has just created a new Facebook support group for spouses.  I am excited about this because there is so little information or support for the spouses of transgender or transsexual people.  It's hard to find other spouses who support the decision of their partner to be their true selves.  We need a place to network, share ideas and feelings about what we are going through.  Not everyone wants to write a blog.  I'm very grateful that she started this group and hope more people want to join.  :)

I don't know how many people read this yet, but if you would like to join, you can email me at  followyourbliss4u@gmail.com and I can send you a link.  It is a private group and people who are not in the group won't be able to view it.  Some of us, myself included, are not public with what is going on yet in our lives.

If you don't want to share your real identity, even on the Facebook page, you can always create an anonymous Facebook account.  You can create an anonymous email account too.  Sometimes I feel a bit cowardly for not sharing who I am, but I am trying to be respectful of my spouse's identity until she comes out and is ready to share.

Confusion about attraction and self-image

Something that occurred to me lately is that I have actually become attracted to my spouse's female persona.  Physically attracted more than I ever thought possible.  I was (and am) really feeling emotionally connected and sexually aroused around her.  It's beginning to be a little confusing for me.

Since she has started coming out around me, things have started opening up between us in ways I never thought would happen.  Now I am beginning to prefer her company, which I think we are both a bit confused by.  I'm sure it has to do with the realization that my spouse if finally starting to be comfortable in her expression and that I love to see her happy.  That being said, there is a part of me that is beginning to be a bit uncomfortable around him.  Maybe it's because I know he's just wishing he could be her all the time.  I don't want to be offensive by preferring "her" to "him", but everything seems so much less tense.  But isn't that what she wants?   I can't imagine what that must be like.  A trans person has enough self-image issues that I don't want to contribute to that by liking the male part less, but where is the balance?  Yes, the person deep inside is the same.  I love this person, who they are in their core, so why does it feel so different?

At first, I was much more uncomfortable around "her".  I wasn't quite sure how to act, whether to try to act like everything was normal and no big deal, whether or not to be sexual, whether or not I could be honest about my conflicting feelings.  We have gotten to a much better place now where we can at least discuss those things and I don't feel like I have to change who I am in order to feel like we can be comfortable together.

So now that I am feeling like I can be myself no matter what, I am feeling more conflicted or confused about my attraction.  The sexual attraction is amazing and wonderful.  We are experiencing such greater connection in that area and I find myself thinking about her all the time in that way.  I'm turned on by her willingness to let go and be expressive in that area.  I'm also turned on by kind of taking control sometimes and expressing my freakier side, which I didn't feel comfortable doing before.  I always knew it was a touchy area for "him."  Does this new attraction mean something different about my sexual orientation?   Am I more attracted to women than I thought or is it just being attracted to the person I fell in love with?

One thing I have been annoyed with and have expressed is how dismissive my spouse can be about my feelings about my own body.  I am going through a lot right now as well and discovering who I am and what my issues are with myself.  In a way, I am going through a transition that is nearly as extreme.  No, I am not trying to compare my physical or emotional state to gender issues, but emotionally I have been probably just as dysfunctional in the past.

If there are any transitioning spouses/partners reading, I am not trying to belittle what you are going through at all.  I can't pretend to know how hard that is.  What I'm saying is that for me, it's hard to be thrust into examining yourself because of what your spouse is going through.  The transition isn't just on your part.  I do think I personally happen to be ready to face that right now, but many other spouses aren't.  It's not easy to face what your own insecurities, fears, and attractions are when it hasn't been something you have been focused on/ conflicted with your whole life, like having the sense of being the wrong gender.  You transitioning partners have probably thought about the "whys" of who you are a lot more than we have.  I have been told that I should, or need, to be the strong one right now.  I can do that sometimes, but there are other times where I feel so completely uncomfortable with my own emotions about myself that I need support.

Guess what, I hate my body too.  Sure, she can be jealous that I was born feeling like I was the right gender or that I have the parts I do, but I still am disgusted with myself.  It makes me angry when that feeling is dismissed because I "should just feel grateful for having female parts."  Sorry, that isn't how it works.  I have body issues, as do most women.  It doesn't help that my spouse wishes she could feel like I do.  Most of the time, I am not comfortable with myself.  I'm too fat, I hate my teeth, I don't feel attractive at all in any way.

I never had to confront who I really was before this.  I have learned (very slowly) some of my own issues and how to express what I am feeling.  The majority of my emotional issues right now have nothing to do with my spouse.  Sure, that was a catalyst, but it forced my own internal reflection about why I am reacting to certain situations in the way I am.  Why do I need to be needed?  Why does it scare me that my spouse is getting better by beginning to be true to herself?  Why do I feel so scared of change but scared of things staying the same?

This is a very pivotal moment in our lives.  What I am trying to do now is not just focus on what is happening with my spouse, but really deal with my emotions as they come.  It's a new thing for me and I'm excited to discover who I am as much as finding new parts of my spouse and my marriage.  I don't want to be afraid anymore of being myself.  I want to be okay with whatever comes my way, good or bad and know that I am strong enough inside to handle it.

Types of Attractions...Did We Choose This?

Reading through various blogs has gotten me thinking about the type of women who are attracted to men who want to, or eventually do, become women.  Is there a common denominator?  Do we seek something we aren't even aware of?  Is there a commonality to us or to our partners/spouses?

One thing that seemed to be a common thread in the posts I've read is that the "men" we have chosen as our spouses probably have similar characteristics. I would describe my spouse as: Thoughtful, understanding, sympathetic, kind, gentle and easy to talk to.  I haven't read anything to the contrary so far for others.  Maybe there are others out there who are different, but I don't see someone who might (or do) transition as being chauvinistic or having typical "male" characteristics.

So, do we spouses/girlfriends of the MTF have things in commen?  It seems maybe we do.  What could some of those things be?

Are we a bit on masculine side?  By that I mean strong, independent, less emotional.  Do we tend to be in control a bit more in the relationship?  Do we allow our significant others to do typical "female" roles like dishes or laundry?  Did we even realize that?  Do we tend to dispute the role of the typical female?

What about sex?  Did we choose someone less sexually charged than past relationships?  Why?  Were we hurt in the past and sick of the typical relationship?  Did we change a past pattern to become more emotionally stable?

I think something we spouses/partners of MTF might experience sometimes is a threat to our own femininity while trying to not be the stereotype of what a "woman" is.  I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's how I feel sometimes.  I'm not a woman who likes makeup or shopping, I like to have the same rights and opportunities as men do, but I also want to feel feminine sometimes.  It's confusing when all of a sudden your spouse wants to be your wife/girlfriend.  I don't like to be a typical "woman", but I still have the feelings of a woman.

What does that make us in the relationship?  Are we the "men" in the relationship?  Do we now have to be more emotionally detached or take more control?  What if we want to feel sexy and womanly?  Is that a threat or insult our spouses if we do? When I'm told that no matter how sloppily I'm dressed or hair thrown up in a messy bun (without any attempt to look feminine) that my spouse is jealous of what I have, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  When she is trying so hard to be or feel like I can be anytime I want, it makes me feel guilty that I don't try harder with my feminine side.  At the same time, I don't want to feel uglier than the other girl(s) in the room.  Bitchy, yes, but it's true.  No woman wants to be the ugliest girl in the room. I don't like that competitive feeling I sometimes have with other women, now I'm having it a little bit with my spouse.  When she is getting dressed, I feel like I at least have to make myself somewhat presentable.  Maybe that will change over time.

I'm not trying to portray any of us in one light, I know each of our situations is different.  I am simply fascinated by psychology and human behavior.  Is there something that might have drawn us to our partners and them to us?

I'm more curious than anything on this post.  I would love to hear any comments or thoughts on things we spouses/girlfriends or the transitioning partners might have in common.

Moving Forward...So Many Questions

I feel I have delved into the past and have really come to terms with things I just wasn't dealing with in my life.  At least a little bit.  I recognize that part of what drew me and my spouse to one another is our common feelings about ourselves.  Low self-esteem while seeming self-confident.  Degrees of anxiety and depression, but putting on a brave face.  Helping others more than we help ourselves.  Codependent behaviors.  I am getting better about allowing myself to have my own feelings and accepting them as they come, good or bad.  I'm not holding everything in all the time.  It's still hard to look at myself instead of solely focusing on my spouse and her issues, but I am really making an effort to do that.  It's important to not lose yourself in someone else's problems when you are a codependent type.  It's easier sometimes to focus on the other person and what they are going through rather than facing your own feelings.

Now we're in a little bit of a holding pattern.  It will be awhile before my spouse can go to a therapist to get a diagnosis and makes the decision to either "come out" or not.  It's weird, I guess I don't even consider that possibility anymore, not being honest with the world about who my spouse is.

How could it even be possible to not move forward with this?  Does that happen? If it does, is that even real?  I would think a regression would be more of a denial of the true self than anything.  I'm not saying that the SRS would necessarily have to happen, but I can't see closing off the feminine side now.  My spouse talks about not being sure if this is the right path, but can something so deep that has been there for so long be wrong?  Is it simply fear of change?  Fear of admitting who she really is? Why do I resist the notion that this might not be the path?  Am I afraid that things would go back to the way they were when we were both so closed off emotionally?

I can see how other people who didn't know about their spouses' feelings from the beginning would just want things to go back "to normal" and not have to deal with the consequences of such a drastic change.  In my case, I am actually much happier with the person I am getting to know.  I don't want to go back now.  No matter what the outcome (surgery or not), I like what our relationship has become.  Yes there are new fears now and things are more emotional, but I feel like we're being much more honest with each other and with ourselves.  I was very scared in the beginning of what is actually happening now, but am getting to a true acceptance of what our lives could become.  Sure, it's still scary.  Yes, it's easier to hide emotionally from what is going on inside my head, but if I keep living in that kind of denial, I don't think I will ever be happy no matter who I am with.  I'm beginning to find the inner strength and acceptance of myself so I can let go of the fear of losing someone in my life.  No, I don't want to lose people, but I think it's important to know that no matter what happens, I can be my true self and let my spouse do the same.

Something that was brought up is the subject of telling other people.  When is that appropriate?  Is it wrong to tell people what you're going through, even if there isn't a clear answer on how it will end up?  In my mind, it's more fair to tell people earlier.  It gives them more time to adjust to the thought and maybe helps explain past behaviors like why we might not be as social with other people right now.

One of the fears is, what if we tell people and then things change and she doesn't want to move forward with it?  I am to the point now that I would rather people know so we don't have to hide.  If it doesn't happen, so what?  If it does, so what?  Letting people in on your thoughts doesn't mean that you have to follow a certain path.  You can tell them that the future is unclear.  At least then we could live honestly.  Yes, you risk losing people, being rejected, being ridiculed.  But if that is what happens, maybe those people weren't meant to be in your life forever.  I think we learn something from everyone we have relationships with, but we don't always need to actually keep those relationships.

So many things going through my mind.  I really just want to tell people.  I'm sick of hiding.  I want support for both of us.  I'm wondering what the testosterone blocker or hormones will do.  Is my spouse going to still want to be with me?  Will I still want to stay?  Will we have to move?  Will we lose our jobs?  How much will this cost and can we afford it?  Who will we lose in our lives?  Who will we gain in our lives?

Oh, so many questions yet to be answered.  I'm trying to be patient, but it's a hard place to be right now.  I almost feel like I did before my dad died his slow and painful death.  I can't stand waiting for the inevitable change in my life and not knowing exactly how I will feel at that point.  I just want to know how things are going to turn out.  I know it's going to be really difficult, but waiting for it to happen feels like I'm in slow motion and dwelling in a place within myself that is uncomfortable while watching someone I love more than anything suffer so much.  There's nothing I can do about their suffering and I just have to sit and watch.  Yes, I can be supportive, but their pain is ultimately their own.  Maybe that is what is scaring me the most.  The last time I felt this way, someone I could always count on to make me feel safe and loved was gone forever.  Other relationships with family changed because of that loss.  Change isn't easy to deal with and brings up a lot of emotion.

What I take from that feeling now is that I did survive that loss.  I was a wreck, but I survived.  That loss lead me getting to know myself on a deeper level.  I think this might be along the same lines. No matter what happens, it's something that is helping me understand myself better and helps me see my inner strength and convictions.  It is also helping me connect with my spouse in a much more meaningful way.  This blog is about my feelings, but I have a lot of admiration for the courage it takes to admit something so unconventional to others.  It's a very vulnerable position to be in and I identify with that.

Jealousy and Boundaries

I hate being a jealous person.  I didn't think my spouse was a jealous person either.  Lately, we both have had a few issues in that area.  I'm sure it's because our relationship is changing and the future is more uncertain.  I'm having a hard time knowing when to express it or when to just keep it to myself.  I've spent so much time in the past keeping things to myself that I have been wanting to keep sharing all of my feelings.  Sometimes I need to know when to keep my mouth shut.  I feel like I've been ruining some pretty awesome moments for her by me expressing my insecurities.

For example, we have had one person visit so far when she was in full presentation mode.  She was very excited about it of course, but I had these enormous pangs of jealousy.  Most of the time it was just fine, but I could feel myself retreating into my shell because I didn't know what to do with that feeling.  I really do want her to have friends and be around supportive people, but it's so hard right now.  Seeing her bonding with other women is really hard for me to handle.

It's still so fresh that some of the feelings coming up take me by surprise.  Then I can't help but blurt it out.  I know that ruins the moment.  For example, she was talking to a friend on the phone and I wanted to give her privacy because it was the first time she was telling this person about the situation.  I don't know this other woman, but respect that they are friends and were co-workers.  I left for a little while because I know when I'm talking to someone about something personal, sometimes I might need to vent or say things that might hurt my spouse's feelings.  Or just something that person might not understand.  When I got back, I just sat by myself while she was in the other room with the door shut.  They were on the phone for a long time and when she was done, she was so happy about her first "girlfriend" conversation.  I immediately ruined the moment by saying that I don't want it to become a pattern that she is just off in another room with the door shut talking to other women.  I did explain that I understood the importance of why she did it, but would be uncomfortable if it happened like that all the time.  Why couldn't I just let her have the moment and keep my big mouth shut?  It could have been addressed later.  Ugh!

What is so hard for me about her being friends with other women?  I guess it goes back to the past (again) and to other people who had betrayed me.  My "friends" betrayed me, my boyfriends betrayed me, on and on.  I guess I'm also afraid that she is going to find someone who she connects with on a deeper level and then I'm out of the picture.  Also, it's a difficult situation when you're friends with the gender you're sexually attracted to.  How do lesbians cope with this?  It's so much easier in the male-female relationship I think because the lines are usually pretty clear.  Sure, we both have friends of the opposite sex, but we don't go hang out alone with them.  It just doesn't seem appropriate.  All I usually ever had growing up were guy friends.  That stopped once I started having serious relationships.  They had guy friends, I had girl friends.  We didn't hang out with the others alone.  It just seemed like the rule.  What are the rules here and where are the boundaries?  I'm sure I'm still not allowed to go hang out with guys alone.  Nor would I want to do that to her.  I hang out with other girls alone, why shouldn't she?  What the hell am I so scared of?

I think the other part is watching her enjoy the compliments from other women.  She is (and should be) flattered and excited by that.  I don't deny her that.  It just seems to mean more from the other people than from me for some reason.  I guess it's that way with any relationship, but just stings a bit more right now for me.  I'm trying to prepare for watching her flirt, but that's going to be hard.  It's inevitable though.

So, is the jealousy all about sex?  Maybe right now it is for me.  I'm not used to worrying about my spouse with women.  "He" didn't want to be with other women.  It was difficult enough for "him" to be with me in any sexual capacity, so I had nothing to fear with other women.  Now what?  Did I choose this person because of the safety factor?  I had chosen so poorly in the past and been emotionally hurt so badly by men that I chose someone completely different.  I never doubted for a minute that this person would ever do anything to betray me.  Why am I questioning that now?  Maybe because once we become more involved in the transition, we're going to meet more people like us.  Maybe I think she chose me just because I was the only one she thought she would ever get.  Did she "settle" for me?

I think the other part is that I'm not a girly-girl.  I can participate in the typical "female" activities, but don't necessarily enjoy them.  I don't mind playing with makeup once in awhile or helping her shop, but I just don't get as into it as other women might.  I do like cooking and being crafty.  I don't want to deny her any of that, but want to be involved in the process, but also don't want to lose myself in the process.  I don't want to have to act more feminine or stop being the crude person I can sometimes be just for her.  That wouldn't be honest to who I am.  Is she going to get sick of that side of me once she's around more women?

Okay, this post became a complete rambling.  I'm still not real clear on my thoughts here.  I guess we just have to take it like everything else...baby steps.  Bottom line is, we need to keep communicating about our feelings and how we can be sensitive to one another while being true to ourselves.

Let's talk about sex...

Sex seems to be the largest issue that non-transitioning spouses have with the idea of Sexual Reassignment.  We did, after all, choose to marry men.  If our true orientation were lesbian, wouldn't we have chosen women?  It's so hard to imagine never getting to have sex with a man again, but I am in love and take my vows seriously...so what now?

In my case, our sex life was pretty tame.  Okay, it was boring.  I had experimented a lot in my youth and was up for trying just about anything once.  I had been with others before him who wanted sex so much that I got sick of it.  When I got married, I knew that I was choosing a good solid relationship built on love and respect and a boring sex life was just something I decided I would have to live with.  Sure, some times were better than others, but it always seemed like he was trying SO hard to like it that it ended up hurting my feelings.  He liked it when I got pleasure, but usually not from intercourse.  He wouldn't let me do anything to him on some occasions.  I felt really ugly, ashamed, sad, and couldn't understand why he would want to be with me if I didn't even turn him on. There were a few times I just ended up crying and, let me tell you, that does absolutely nothing to help a sexual relationship.  We didn't talk about sex, we didn't have it very often and it caused us both a lot of anxiety.

One huge thing I realized was that I couldn't emotionally connect during sex.  I find it a zesty enterprise. :)  I just thought of it as an animalistic activity that feels good.  I got uncomfortable if it was too serious or I had to look into someone else's eyes.  I just wanted to have fun in the bedroom, and use our bodies in whichever way we felt like.  I didn't want to feel anything emotionally deep at that time.  I had to ask myself why that was. I was emotionally detached from sex, which made it easier to just think of it as a physical act to enjoy.

I started thinking about what is it about what I like that I actually like in the bedroom, what I felt wasn't being fulfilled.  (That's a whole different discussion) What it came down to is realizing that I never let him get close to me emotionally in that part of our relationship.  Over time I ended up blaming him for not being open sexually.  I realize now that was not just his fault.  He needs emotional connection while having intimacy, I have an extreme fear of that.  That is something I am working on for myself.  I think it had to do with a string of bad experiences in the beginning of my sexual exploration.  I think I just cut myself off from feeling anything during those activities early on in life and that just became how it was for me.  I think that's how it is for a lot of women, but it isn't easy to admit that past experiences (even and maybe especially bad ones) formed what we like sexually.  What's worse, the sexual desires probably don't match what we want in a relationship.

I think the realization of the roots of my own sexual desires / fantasies gave me some deeper insight into what my spouse was feeling.  What I desired didn't make sense.  Why would I desire things that made me ashamed when I was younger?  Why would I think that I needed those desires in my relationship when it turned out so poorly before?  It's all so very confusing.  But what I realized is that what both of us were feeling weren't that different.  We were both just scared of what we liked and didn't understand why.  How do you reconcile different sexual desires or drives in a rapidly changing marriage?

How can you make a relationship work if you desire a different gender than what your spouse feels they are?  Is there really a part of you that desires the other gender?  Can open marriages or "swinger" type marriages work?  How can we deny each other sexual pleasure even if we can't give each other that particular pleasure?  I don't know any of the answers to this, I just know that we have started discussing it.

I don't know how people with "open" marriages cope with the jealousy or hurt that seems inevitable to me.  In a perfect world, we could be married to the people we love, get to enjoy their sexuality but also get to fulfill any desire we like on our own (or with them if they are willing) as well.  There is a part of me that thinks it doesn't even seem like a marriage at the point couples are allowing others into the bedroom or somewhere outside of the marriage.  I don't know how else people can reconcile the way they can be completely compatible in a relationship, but not necessarily always in the bedroom.

My initial conclusion, being that we are in the very beginning stages of this process, is that any couple going through this has to be willing to confront the issue of desires towards other people.  As the transitioning person is going through hormonal changes, desires might change.  The spouses' desires might change.  Yes, you have committed to live your life with this person for better or for worse, but should we really deny each other that type of sexual outlet?

There is a part of me that would be extremely turned on by seeing my spouse with another person, just to watch the enjoyment...but I would want to be a part of it.  I would be jealous to see a stronger sexual desire for someone else that I could never get, even it did make more sense.  A part of me would be terrified that they would be a better match than we are and what we had would be over.  I do know people who have made this type of relationship work, but it is based on complete honesty and rules about what can or can't happen.  Is that a more evolved relationship, or just giving up on some part of your relationship?

I think the most important part of any relationship, especially in the sex department, is honesty.  We have to be able to be honest about what we feel so it can at least be discussed.  Obviously, I don't have all the answers, but a ton of questions.  How do people make this work if sex drives or desires are different but you really want to spend your life with the partner you chose?

Holidays

The holidays are here and it has occurred to me that this might be the last time I will be spending it with my family and my husband.  I am not quite sure how I feel about that.  Excited in one sense because the beautiful, tender woman I have come to know could be a part of it.  Sad in a way, because I know nothing will be the same if the transition actually happens.  How will family respond?  Will we even be able to attend these functions?  How awkward is that going to be?

One of my sisters knows about this situation and is very supportive.  I don't know which of the other family members will be supportive.  They might reluctantly accept that we are going through this, but not feel comfortable with it.  What would it be like to be the lesbian couple that everyone has trouble looking at?  Would I get the pity stares of people who just think I'm "brave" for sticking it out?  Would they understand that I am actually supportive of this and not just going along with it?  Would they understand that I love this person even more than I ever did?

Why do I care?  Why would I care what they think?  I think it's not so much for me, but I feel protective of her feelings and want everyone to accept that this is who she is.

Today is Thanksgiving so we're off to join family and put on our happy faces.  I hate being around family when I'm feeling so conflicted, because they are the ones who can see right through me.  They will know something is up if they're looking at me.  I just have to put that wall back up again to shut it out.  This is a particularly hard time for our family anyway after my dad passed away a few years back.  It's hard on everyone, we all miss him.  We don't talk about it, but everyone seems like they are all just on the verge of tears while we're forcing laughter.  We all battle depression that we don't deal with.  Why can't we just be real?

What I really want today is to get a little drunk so I can numb the anxiety.  I'm doing too much of that lately, but that's just one of the coping mechanisms I know how to use.  I've seen it all my life and have used it as a crutch now for a little too long.  Am I an alcoholic?  Perhaps.  I don't like being sloppy, falling-over, slurring kind of drunk...just enough to take the edge off so I can block out my feelings.  I'm hoping now that I have started facing my demons, that part of my life can go away.  It sickens me that I drink to dull the pain, but I keep doing it.  I guess I might need to reconsider medication.  When I was on anti-depressants, I didn't feel the urge so much.  That or the anxiety pills, but those made me so drowsy I didn't take them hardly ever.

Oh well...I'm off to plaster on that fake face and get comfortably numb.  Maybe someday we both can gather the strength to finally be who we really are.  Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.