I hate being a jealous person. I didn't think my spouse was a jealous person either. Lately, we both have had a few issues in that area. I'm sure it's because our relationship is changing and the future is more uncertain. I'm having a hard time knowing when to express it or when to just keep it to myself. I've spent so much time in the past keeping things to myself that I have been wanting to keep sharing all of my feelings. Sometimes I need to know when to keep my mouth shut. I feel like I've been ruining some pretty awesome moments for her by me expressing my insecurities.
For example, we have had one person visit so far when she was in full presentation mode. She was very excited about it of course, but I had these enormous pangs of jealousy. Most of the time it was just fine, but I could feel myself retreating into my shell because I didn't know what to do with that feeling. I really do want her to have friends and be around supportive people, but it's so hard right now. Seeing her bonding with other women is really hard for me to handle.
It's still so fresh that some of the feelings coming up take me by surprise. Then I can't help but blurt it out. I know that ruins the moment. For example, she was talking to a friend on the phone and I wanted to give her privacy because it was the first time she was telling this person about the situation. I don't know this other woman, but respect that they are friends and were co-workers. I left for a little while because I know when I'm talking to someone about something personal, sometimes I might need to vent or say things that might hurt my spouse's feelings. Or just something that person might not understand. When I got back, I just sat by myself while she was in the other room with the door shut. They were on the phone for a long time and when she was done, she was so happy about her first "girlfriend" conversation. I immediately ruined the moment by saying that I don't want it to become a pattern that she is just off in another room with the door shut talking to other women. I did explain that I understood the importance of why she did it, but would be uncomfortable if it happened like that all the time. Why couldn't I just let her have the moment and keep my big mouth shut? It could have been addressed later. Ugh!
What is so hard for me about her being friends with other women? I guess it goes back to the past (again) and to other people who had betrayed me. My "friends" betrayed me, my boyfriends betrayed me, on and on. I guess I'm also afraid that she is going to find someone who she connects with on a deeper level and then I'm out of the picture. Also, it's a difficult situation when you're friends with the gender you're sexually attracted to. How do lesbians cope with this? It's so much easier in the male-female relationship I think because the lines are usually pretty clear. Sure, we both have friends of the opposite sex, but we don't go hang out alone with them. It just doesn't seem appropriate. All I usually ever had growing up were guy friends. That stopped once I started having serious relationships. They had guy friends, I had girl friends. We didn't hang out with the others alone. It just seemed like the rule. What are the rules here and where are the boundaries? I'm sure I'm still not allowed to go hang out with guys alone. Nor would I want to do that to her. I hang out with other girls alone, why shouldn't she? What the hell am I so scared of?
I think the other part is watching her enjoy the compliments from other women. She is (and should be) flattered and excited by that. I don't deny her that. It just seems to mean more from the other people than from me for some reason. I guess it's that way with any relationship, but just stings a bit more right now for me. I'm trying to prepare for watching her flirt, but that's going to be hard. It's inevitable though.
So, is the jealousy all about sex? Maybe right now it is for me. I'm not used to worrying about my spouse with women. "He" didn't want to be with other women. It was difficult enough for "him" to be with me in any sexual capacity, so I had nothing to fear with other women. Now what? Did I choose this person because of the safety factor? I had chosen so poorly in the past and been emotionally hurt so badly by men that I chose someone completely different. I never doubted for a minute that this person would ever do anything to betray me. Why am I questioning that now? Maybe because once we become more involved in the transition, we're going to meet more people like us. Maybe I think she chose me just because I was the only one she thought she would ever get. Did she "settle" for me?
I think the other part is that I'm not a girly-girl. I can participate in the typical "female" activities, but don't necessarily enjoy them. I don't mind playing with makeup once in awhile or helping her shop, but I just don't get as into it as other women might. I do like cooking and being crafty. I don't want to deny her any of that, but want to be involved in the process, but also don't want to lose myself in the process. I don't want to have to act more feminine or stop being the crude person I can sometimes be just for her. That wouldn't be honest to who I am. Is she going to get sick of that side of me once she's around more women?
Okay, this post became a complete rambling. I'm still not real clear on my thoughts here. I guess we just have to take it like everything else...baby steps. Bottom line is, we need to keep communicating about our feelings and how we can be sensitive to one another while being true to ourselves.
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