Types of Attractions...Did We Choose This?

Reading through various blogs has gotten me thinking about the type of women who are attracted to men who want to, or eventually do, become women.  Is there a common denominator?  Do we seek something we aren't even aware of?  Is there a commonality to us or to our partners/spouses?

One thing that seemed to be a common thread in the posts I've read is that the "men" we have chosen as our spouses probably have similar characteristics. I would describe my spouse as: Thoughtful, understanding, sympathetic, kind, gentle and easy to talk to.  I haven't read anything to the contrary so far for others.  Maybe there are others out there who are different, but I don't see someone who might (or do) transition as being chauvinistic or having typical "male" characteristics.

So, do we spouses/girlfriends of the MTF have things in commen?  It seems maybe we do.  What could some of those things be?

Are we a bit on masculine side?  By that I mean strong, independent, less emotional.  Do we tend to be in control a bit more in the relationship?  Do we allow our significant others to do typical "female" roles like dishes or laundry?  Did we even realize that?  Do we tend to dispute the role of the typical female?

What about sex?  Did we choose someone less sexually charged than past relationships?  Why?  Were we hurt in the past and sick of the typical relationship?  Did we change a past pattern to become more emotionally stable?

I think something we spouses/partners of MTF might experience sometimes is a threat to our own femininity while trying to not be the stereotype of what a "woman" is.  I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's how I feel sometimes.  I'm not a woman who likes makeup or shopping, I like to have the same rights and opportunities as men do, but I also want to feel feminine sometimes.  It's confusing when all of a sudden your spouse wants to be your wife/girlfriend.  I don't like to be a typical "woman", but I still have the feelings of a woman.

What does that make us in the relationship?  Are we the "men" in the relationship?  Do we now have to be more emotionally detached or take more control?  What if we want to feel sexy and womanly?  Is that a threat or insult our spouses if we do? When I'm told that no matter how sloppily I'm dressed or hair thrown up in a messy bun (without any attempt to look feminine) that my spouse is jealous of what I have, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  When she is trying so hard to be or feel like I can be anytime I want, it makes me feel guilty that I don't try harder with my feminine side.  At the same time, I don't want to feel uglier than the other girl(s) in the room.  Bitchy, yes, but it's true.  No woman wants to be the ugliest girl in the room. I don't like that competitive feeling I sometimes have with other women, now I'm having it a little bit with my spouse.  When she is getting dressed, I feel like I at least have to make myself somewhat presentable.  Maybe that will change over time.

I'm not trying to portray any of us in one light, I know each of our situations is different.  I am simply fascinated by psychology and human behavior.  Is there something that might have drawn us to our partners and them to us?

I'm more curious than anything on this post.  I would love to hear any comments or thoughts on things we spouses/girlfriends or the transitioning partners might have in common.

Jealousy and Boundaries

I hate being a jealous person.  I didn't think my spouse was a jealous person either.  Lately, we both have had a few issues in that area.  I'm sure it's because our relationship is changing and the future is more uncertain.  I'm having a hard time knowing when to express it or when to just keep it to myself.  I've spent so much time in the past keeping things to myself that I have been wanting to keep sharing all of my feelings.  Sometimes I need to know when to keep my mouth shut.  I feel like I've been ruining some pretty awesome moments for her by me expressing my insecurities.

For example, we have had one person visit so far when she was in full presentation mode.  She was very excited about it of course, but I had these enormous pangs of jealousy.  Most of the time it was just fine, but I could feel myself retreating into my shell because I didn't know what to do with that feeling.  I really do want her to have friends and be around supportive people, but it's so hard right now.  Seeing her bonding with other women is really hard for me to handle.

It's still so fresh that some of the feelings coming up take me by surprise.  Then I can't help but blurt it out.  I know that ruins the moment.  For example, she was talking to a friend on the phone and I wanted to give her privacy because it was the first time she was telling this person about the situation.  I don't know this other woman, but respect that they are friends and were co-workers.  I left for a little while because I know when I'm talking to someone about something personal, sometimes I might need to vent or say things that might hurt my spouse's feelings.  Or just something that person might not understand.  When I got back, I just sat by myself while she was in the other room with the door shut.  They were on the phone for a long time and when she was done, she was so happy about her first "girlfriend" conversation.  I immediately ruined the moment by saying that I don't want it to become a pattern that she is just off in another room with the door shut talking to other women.  I did explain that I understood the importance of why she did it, but would be uncomfortable if it happened like that all the time.  Why couldn't I just let her have the moment and keep my big mouth shut?  It could have been addressed later.  Ugh!

What is so hard for me about her being friends with other women?  I guess it goes back to the past (again) and to other people who had betrayed me.  My "friends" betrayed me, my boyfriends betrayed me, on and on.  I guess I'm also afraid that she is going to find someone who she connects with on a deeper level and then I'm out of the picture.  Also, it's a difficult situation when you're friends with the gender you're sexually attracted to.  How do lesbians cope with this?  It's so much easier in the male-female relationship I think because the lines are usually pretty clear.  Sure, we both have friends of the opposite sex, but we don't go hang out alone with them.  It just doesn't seem appropriate.  All I usually ever had growing up were guy friends.  That stopped once I started having serious relationships.  They had guy friends, I had girl friends.  We didn't hang out with the others alone.  It just seemed like the rule.  What are the rules here and where are the boundaries?  I'm sure I'm still not allowed to go hang out with guys alone.  Nor would I want to do that to her.  I hang out with other girls alone, why shouldn't she?  What the hell am I so scared of?

I think the other part is watching her enjoy the compliments from other women.  She is (and should be) flattered and excited by that.  I don't deny her that.  It just seems to mean more from the other people than from me for some reason.  I guess it's that way with any relationship, but just stings a bit more right now for me.  I'm trying to prepare for watching her flirt, but that's going to be hard.  It's inevitable though.

So, is the jealousy all about sex?  Maybe right now it is for me.  I'm not used to worrying about my spouse with women.  "He" didn't want to be with other women.  It was difficult enough for "him" to be with me in any sexual capacity, so I had nothing to fear with other women.  Now what?  Did I choose this person because of the safety factor?  I had chosen so poorly in the past and been emotionally hurt so badly by men that I chose someone completely different.  I never doubted for a minute that this person would ever do anything to betray me.  Why am I questioning that now?  Maybe because once we become more involved in the transition, we're going to meet more people like us.  Maybe I think she chose me just because I was the only one she thought she would ever get.  Did she "settle" for me?

I think the other part is that I'm not a girly-girl.  I can participate in the typical "female" activities, but don't necessarily enjoy them.  I don't mind playing with makeup once in awhile or helping her shop, but I just don't get as into it as other women might.  I do like cooking and being crafty.  I don't want to deny her any of that, but want to be involved in the process, but also don't want to lose myself in the process.  I don't want to have to act more feminine or stop being the crude person I can sometimes be just for her.  That wouldn't be honest to who I am.  Is she going to get sick of that side of me once she's around more women?

Okay, this post became a complete rambling.  I'm still not real clear on my thoughts here.  I guess we just have to take it like everything else...baby steps.  Bottom line is, we need to keep communicating about our feelings and how we can be sensitive to one another while being true to ourselves.