Thoughts and Updates

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything.  Time flies and we don't... 

So...my marriage is still going strong.  It's pretty much settled back into a regular marriage.  Day to day activities, routine, working and back to what feels like our "normal."  I think we are in some ways stronger than we've ever been because we communicate a lot more than we used to.  Overall, things between my spouse and I are pretty great right now. 

I usually tend to keep this blog purely about my own thoughts and feelings and try not to get political or speak for any transgendered person.  I can't exactly speak for them because I have no true understanding of how it feels to live that life.  I can empathize and sympathize, but that is the best I can do.  I will never understand the internal struggles.  I don't presume to know everything about being transgendered because my spouse is.  I do, however, have a far better education about it than most of the general public, so I'm going to rant a bit...

First of all, I want to say that I'm proud that the transgender (and all spectrums of gender identity and sexuality) issues are being spoken about.  It's important for people to realize that it isn't a fad, it isn't like people are just trying to "be cool" by becoming part of that community.  It is real.  It is a terribly difficult existence for a lot of people, especially before it was publicy discussed.  We should all be able to live authentically and as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, we should all be afforded that right.  

The issue of trans people being unable to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with is one that is particularly upsetting to me.  It feels to me a lot like stepping backwards to when it was legal in our country to have separate bathrooms, fountains or lunch counters for "colored" people.  It's bullshit.  The arguments are not valid ones.  

First, it seems the bathroom issue is mainly targeted at MTF trans people.  The argument I have heard is that people are afraid of letting their children go into a bathroom where someone who was technically born a biological man might be.  I honestly don't understand any of the arguments surrounding this issue.  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  Men's bathrooms do as well, and chances are that most trans men would choose to simply use a stall instead of a urinal.  Children aren't going to see any trans woman or men exposing private parts to them.  If people have a fear of that, they are so grossly uninformed about how trans people feel.  In my experience, they are extremely conscientious and are of just trying to fit in without being noticed and doing everything they can so they don't make others uncomfortable because of their differences.

I feel that what people are afraid of is pedophilia, not transgendered people.  Pedophilia is sick and wrong,  but it has nothing to do with this conversation.  It is terribly offensive to assume there is any correlation between trans peple and criminal acts, especially against children.  Pedophiles can be men or women, and they may target children of either the same sex or opposite sex.  You might as well just not even take your child into public if you are that afraid of your child perhaps crossing paths with a stranger who may or may not be a pedophile.  

As a cis-gendered woman, I honestly don't give a shit about who uses what bathrooms.  Ever.  I wouldn't care if a cis-gendered guy came in and used the women's room.  I've used plenty of men's rooms with no incidents...their lines are usually WAY shorter and when you have to go...you have to go.  Again, there are always bathroom stalls, even in men's rooms.  You always have privacy when you're going to the bathroom in a stall.  If someone is looking under or over the stall...yes, please notify authorities.  Otherwise, just LET PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM.  

I don't know that there is a lot I can do to help the cause, to make a difference with the LGBTQ community, but I sometimes feel like I should be more vocal in some way.  I influence people in my immediate circles and I have written this blog to attempt to give support to both trans people and the ones who love them.  I want people to know that love is love, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, or whatever else may separate us from the herd.  We're all unique and that's okay.  

The trans people I know, have spoken to, or have read about are quite courageous in my opinion.  They have, against all the fears society may have about them, chosen to live their authentic lives.  How many people can honestly say they are committed to being their authentic selves?  How many of us even know what that means?  It's not always easy to know exactly who you are and what your internal "truth" is.  To be brave enough to express yourself no matter the consequences of how society views you is an admirable thing.  

I am a much better person for having my spouse in my life.  I have learned what courage is.  I have learned more about what true love is.  I have a more complete understanding of humanity and that we are all just trying to navigate life in the best way we know how, so compassion and empathy are of the upmost importance.  We can all learn from each other if we only open up and listen.

Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

What's in a Name Change?

There have been some really exciting things happening for my spouse and I in the past few months.  It all happened quite quickly, so I haven't had too much time for writing lately.  It's been a whirlwind of paperwork and research, but we are both very happy with what has resulted.

We went to another appointment with the hormone doctor.  That went extremely well.  I always like to go along to show my support and to listen to all the things the doctor is saying.  I know it's always a bit of an intense experience for my spouse just with all the anticipation of what is the next step, making sure all things are in place on the timeline for transition, etc.

I have to say I think my presence and honesty with the doctor has played a big role in how well he understands the true support that my spouse has.  I'm not only focusing on positive or negative...I'm just truthful.  I think expressing only one way or the other would just be deceptive.  He's a wonderful doctor and honestly wants to know how I'm doing with everything.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think the fact that we are both honest with him has had an impact.  I express that yes, I do have some frustrations but that overall this is the best thing that could ever happen for my spouse and has been a wonderful thing for our marriage in the respect that we are both much more open an honest about our feelings...which isn't easy.  Good, absolutely...but not easy.

At the end of the appointment, he asked if we had any other questions.  We mentioned that she wanted to do the official name change, so he asked if she wanted the letter of affirmation.  She said yes, but didn't understand exactly what he was about to give us.  My spouse checked just for spelling, but didn't really read the letter until we had gotten home.  I knew what it meant.  It said she has had appropriate treatment to transition to the female gender.  Only later did it really hit her what it actually said.

That was "the" letter.  "The" letter is important for many reasons.  It's important not only to surgeons who will eventually be performing the GRS (or SRS or whatever it's called now) but it also allows for some legal document changes right now.  So, as it sank in for her what it meant, I began my research.

Every state is different on how they handle name and gender changes, so not all of what we experienced will happen to all of you who want this change, but what I want to emphasize is that you need to do your research.  The clerks and other state employees aren't real familiar with the process, so the more documentation you have ready for them, the better.  From what my spouse said, most of the clerks (really all females in our case) were kind of excited for something different.

The name change itself was not too big a deal.  I mean, yes...a big deal for us, but wasn't much trouble.  The entire process does cost some money, a few hundred bucks all together with all the filing fees, but totally worth it in the end.

In our case, we were able to petition for a "confidential name change."  This has a few implications.  In our state, if you want to change your name, you usually need to publish that in a newspaper for a few weeks in case you are trying to get out of some type of debt, etc. but there is another confidential form you can petition for if you have just cause and you are not trying to ellude some finincial difficulty.  We debated this because we don't really care if anyone knows, but it would publish the name and address.  You never know what stranger might have a problem with who you are and want to commit some crime against you.  That really was our only reason for going that route.  The name change doesn't affect the gender on anything.  It's just the name.  That all went through without a hitch.

In our state, the gender marker on the birth certificate cannot change until after surgery.  Bummer.  Right away, we were a little disappointed because we thought it would impact the driver's license.  I did more research and found out how to approach the other documents and I found out how we could get around that.

Social Security (which is Federal, not state) passed a law in something like 2003 that all you need to do in order to change the gender on your social security card is a letter of affirmation from a medical doctor.  Aha!  We had that!!!  Then came the driver's license.  In our state (and I'm assuming most others) the way they check the identity of someone during a name change at the DMV is if their social security number, name and gender all match.  They use the Social Security records.  So, as long as we changed the social security record first, then the DMV record, it all went through.  What a relief!

Both Social Security and the DMV went through with no problem except perhaps a bit more waiting time than the normal customer.  They just had to verify the documents and laws we presented to them. (I recommend highlighting the areas they need to focus on)

The biggest thing that has been such a worry for my spouse is having to explain the difference between what someone is seeing and the identification presented.  Sure, the birth certificate won't change until after surgery, but who cares?  Who really looks at that anyway?

I just thought I'd share the process we went through in case anyone else was having thoughts and concerns about how to approach it.  My advice is to look up the laws first yourself, print out what you find and highlight anything of importance for the clerks who have to decipher it.  Check with your state Vital Records office on their particular requirements for birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.

Long story short, my spouse now officially has a social security card and driver's license which indicates her new name as well as the appropriate gender.  We could not be more excited!

Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

Tips for maintaining a great wig

Hello ladies!  One of the big things for my spouse and I was the cost of wigs.  We wanted her to be able to have a great wig that looked very realistic.  This was especially important when she decided to go "full-time."  For my spouse, the wig is probably going to be a necessity forever as she began transition late in life (45 years old) and the male-pattern baldness in all reality will most likely always be a problem.

We are in the same situation as many of you are, I'm sure.  We don't have a ton of money to spend on these type of supplies.  They are a necessity for sure, but we can't afford to keep buying new wigs when the old ones get frizzy and you keep trimming until they are basically worthless.  Who are we kidding, most of us are not hairdressers, right?  

So, we found a great wig to start with before she decided to go full time.  It was economical, but didn't have a lace-front.  After several months, just before she went full-time, we saved enough to get a great lace-front wig.  It cost us about $ 200.00 (US)  It's synthetic, but looks fabulous.  It's very hard to tell that it isn't her natural hair.  After a month, however, it started having the "frayed" look that the previous wigs had.  This was very discouraging to both of us because we just couldn't afford to keep getting new wigs, and trimming it just messes up the whole look.  I mean, it doesn't grow back, right?  

We were told to never ever apply heat to the wig because it would forever damage it.  I did, however, find a way to recondition the wig at home by being VERY, VERY careful.  I found a website from a woman who has a condition who requires wearing a wig all the time and has the same monetary issue.  She described a way to recondition the wig that actually works to bring it back to the state it was in when we bought it.  Here is her description:  http://jeezlouise.net 

I will describe the technique, but beware that anything you try at home you do at your own risk.  I was petrified to try it, so I tried on one of the older wigs first before I tried it on a good one.  It's surprisingly easy, but there are a few key things you need:  A spray bottle with water (and I add a touch of wig conditioner to the water), A few hair clips, A bristle brush (which you should only use on wigs in this one specific application), a flat iron with a variable temperature.  **** The variable temperature is the key because you want very low heat.  Mine varies between 80 degrees F to about 200 degrees F (I don't know the conversion to Celsius - you're on your own there)  I turn it down to almost the lowest setting to do this, just to be on the safer side.  To prop the wig up, I use a tripod for a camera covered with a hand towel.  I've tried other things, but this seems to give me the best angles to work with. 

You take small sections of the hair and brush it flat, spray it with the water/conditioner mix, then quickly run the flat iron down the section of hair.  After that, run the bristle brush over the section to pull it straight.  *** Again, test this on an old wig first to get the feel for the right temperature and dampness ***  I use hair clips to section off the areas I have already done vs. the areas I still need to do.  

This re-straightens the wig from the little curly ends that get tangled and frizzy and it really looks like brand new.  I have pictures of what I do if anyone needs it, but I'm not going to post it right now.  (I do this blog on my iPad and it doesn't like inserting photos)  If anyone needs further advice or wants me to post pics, I sure will.

I hope that helps some of you out there, that was an issue we dealt with that I didn't hear people talk much about, so I thought I'd share, since I just got done re-conditioning her wig again.  Yes, she does know how to do it herself, but I actually enjoy doing it for her.  It takes me about an hour to get the whole thing done.  It only needs to be done about once every 2 weeks with everyday use.

One of the biggest things to keep the wig from fraying in the first place is to learn how to brush it properly.  Start from the bottom and work your way up.  If you start to feel resistance, stay in the lower area until your brush moves freely through the hair, then work your way up.  If you start at the top and just rip your way down, you end up slightly curling the ends of the wig, which causes the fraying and frizziness in the first place.  

New Beginnings

Tomorrow marks a new day for us.  My spouse will be finally going "full time" in her transition and beginning to go to work and living her life as she has always wanted.  I'm so excited and happy for her.  What a wonderful feeling it must be to finally get to live your life as you've always dreamed.

We had a wonderful night last night.  We had a sort of "birthday" celebration for her and so many people attended!  The people there were the ones so instrumental in supporting us throughout this whole process.  I am forever grateful for every word of support, every question that made me think of something new, every revelation from others that they might share some of either one of our feelings. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system and I love them all.  I cannot thank the people in our lives enough who have helped us along the way.  You all know who you are. :)  

Just thinking that it's only been slightly less than a year since we made the decision to move forward with the transition process is amazing.  So many changes, so many emotions, but so many good things have happened since then.  I feel more in love with my spouse right at this moment than I ever have.  She is becoming who she needs to be and has also encouraged me to put my best efforts forward to be my best self.

Like I've said before, there is so much I have learned about myself through this process that I feel like I have started living up to being the person I was meant to be as well.  I've confronted my own issues and have slowly started to let my walls down and let other people in.  I've confronted the biggest and most shameful personal problem for me...my depression issues.  I've learned that pushing that down and ignoring the problem does nothing to make it better.  Yes, it is still a struggle, but working on it has helped me recognize that there might be hope for it to get better by not bottling up every emotion.

None of us knows for sure what the future holds.  All we can do is work to live every day to the fullest and recognize the people in our lives who help us along the way.  I've learned that although you need to rely on yourself to make things happen, I really don't think any of us can progress as people completely alone.  It's kind of a philosophical thought really...what is the point of existing in this world without others?  Yes, people can be disappointing, they can be mean or hurtful, but they can also be wonderful, inspirational and amazing.  Keep the people around you who inspire you and lift you up.  Let the others go.  You don't need to shun them, but you also don't need to feel obligated to sacrifice your own happiness.  Love yourself.  

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

Social Media and Transitioning Genders

It occurred to me since the beginning of my spouse's transition from male to female how hard this must have been before the internet and social media.  Not just for the person who is transitioning, but for the spouse or significant other of someone going through a transition.

Where in the world would people find information about this subject before the internet?  Where would spouses find support from others going through the same thing?  It would be nearly impossible.  What did people do before the internet?  I'm of the era where I didn't grow up with any internet access.  There just wasn't such a thing until I was pretty much an adult.  (As much as an 18 year old is an adult :) )

I'm so incredibly thankful that there is a network now where people can share information and be a part of social media groups with people from all over the country, or even other parts of the world.  What we spouses are going through is such a unique and lonely feeling sometimes.  As much as friends and family try and understand, there is nothing that compares to sharing these feelings and experiences with others who actually have experienced the same thing.

Yes, our transitioning partners also need their own groups.  There are many more of those out there on the internet than support groups or blogs from the other perspective of a significant other or spouse.  (I'm going to use "spouse" from here on out so I don't have to continue to write Spouse or Significant Other / Partner)

I'm not sure if the lack of support or writing from our perspective as spouses is because we don't reach out with social media, or if there are just so few of us out there that are supportive of our spouses.  Are we that unique?  Are so many of us too afraid to reach out or write about it?  Are there so few of these type of relationships that last?  I'd be very interested to learn more about that.

If it is the case that most spouses are too afraid to communicate about it for fear of being "found out," how can we engange them to talk about their own issues?  Everything that's put out there on the internet is able to be "found out" in some way, right?  How can they feel safe?  If you Facebook someone as a friend, who might question you on who that person is?  If you post on a blog, who can find out?  It's definetly scary.

For me, I was very afraid at first to put anything about my real self out there.  I didn't want anyone to accidentally find out who my spouse was before she was ready to reveal it.  So I made up a fake name and email account, mainly to protect her identity.  That worked for me to feel free enough to speak my mind and only tell specific people what my alternate identity was on social media.  Now, I really don't care so much.  This blog is still fairly anonymous, but those who have accepted me in Facebook groups now have my real identity.

What's my point?  If you are a spouse / partner, or even the person going through a transition, don't be afraid to reach out.  If you aren't comfortable at first putting your own information out there, you can always create an alternate version of yourself that doesn't necessarily identify you to people you might not want to know about you quite yet.  Just reach out.  It could be helpful and you might find support and friends you never would have found otherwise.

Finding balance and getting back to being me

At this particular stage, not everyone in my life knows what I am going through but the ones who do have been incredibly supportive.  I have been having some struggles within myself simply not knowing how to find my balance.  Who am I, where do I fit into this world and what do I need?  You know, the little questions. :)

The focus of so much in my life right now has revolved around my spouse and doing whatever I can to be supportive.  I find new clothes for her, we talk about what changes are to come in our lives because of the transition and all the feelings for both of us in relation to that.  It's not surprising that this has been the focus, of course it is.  It's a big change and we want to make sure we're doing all we can in order to be realistic but also support each other and make our marriage a good one.

I find myself with any of my alone time just wanting to learn more about the transgender issue.  I spend so much of my time researching, reading blogs, and watching videos.  I've been staying up too late and not sleeping enough.  I know I need to research things to get a better understanding of what might be happening for us both, but it's consuming most of my "me" time.  When I go shopping without her, I find myself looking for things she'll like and what will look good on her.

I also don't ever want to do things without her anymore.  I used to go out with friends more.  I used to do crafts by myself or with friends more.  Now, anything I do outside of the house without her makes me feel guilty.  I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I can't help what I feel sometimes.  I think the guilt comes from me knowing that my spouse is just sitting at home and if she's dressed, isn't going to go anywhere.  She's stuck there until the time when she's finally ready to go out in public and I don't want her to feel lonely.

I ask myself if my obsession with finding out all I can about transgender issues and the shopping thing is bit of an avoidance behavior.  Am I avoiding something about myself that I don't want to face?  It's easier to focus on someone else's issues than to have to look in the mirror.  So, I'm trying to figure out what that thing is.

I was reading another blog today about a wife's anxieties with her spouse not making the commitment to go all the way with the transition and just live somewhere in the middle. That brought some of what I'm fearing to light.  When I read her blog, I was thinking to myself that it was really unfair of her spouse to leave her sitting in limbo not knowing what is going to happen.  It occurred to me that I might be going so full steam ahead with this because I don't want to be back in that limbo with my spouse.  It's uncomfortable not knowing what's going to happen.

I fear how much I love my spouse and how deeply I am connecting with her.  I fear that opening up my heart is dangerous because maybe she will change so much that we don't connect anymore.  What if she decides she want someone else and leaves?  What if I can't handle it and I leave?  Oh the "what ifs..."  I feel myself shutting down and putting the wall up again.  It seems to happen right after having beautifully touching moments or great nights with her, which seems odd to me but probably makes sense.

Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, the uncertainty.  If we just hurry up and "get this over with", maybe I'll have the answers I need.  Then I will know one way or the other if our marriage is going to survive.  Yes, I know...that is ridiculous.  People grow and change, marriages change even without dealing with a transgender issue.  Surgery, no surgery, what the hormones might do, what our relationship will become, none of that changes the fact that I am in a marriage right now.  We are in a good place right now and I need to be in the moment more.

I can't rush this.  I can't push too much and as much as I am in this too, the transition is not my struggle.  Yes, the changes in our marriage are both of our struggle, but I cannot control my spouse's emotions or decisions on transitioning.  I can't put a checklist and timeline on when the transition will be "complete."  I can be supportive and be open about myself, but I need to just relax.

Writing about this does help a lot.  It helps me see when I am being rational or irrational and what some of the root causes might be behind my behavior or anxiety.  It forces me to slow down and really think about things.  I can also look back and see things I have overcome and remind myself that I got through other struggles and am strong enough to face the challenges ahead.

I am going to start doing more for myself.  I need to find happiness in my passions again.  I was asked to put together a cooking class for a group of women who take art classes.  I am excited about that.  It will be a fairly big project and I can go have fun doing something that I love.  Hey, I might even make a few bucks doing it!

My spouse needs time to herself too.  She needs time to process everything going on and find her own things that make her happy.  I cannot make her go out of the house dressed, that decision is up to her.  I've decided to let that go.  I have to let go of any guilt I feel for being happy within myself so I can find my balance.

Acceptance

Right now I have this strange sense of calmness and acceptance of my situation.  My spouse has spent more time around me as "her," maybe even more than "him" lately.  I have to say, I have gotten to a point not where I am truly more comfortable with her.  She is much calmer and more comfortable  and, most importantly, happy.

In the beginning of us exploring the idea of transition, I didn't think I needed to grieve a loss of a husband like I had read about other people doing.  At one point last week, it finally came rushing out of me.  Like a lot of the emotions I have had, I wasn't expecting it.  I started thinking about it though and once hormones begin, things will start changing.  I do love the person I married, but do hormones change that person?  What if the new person doesn't act the same?  I know how to love my husband and I know the ways he shows that he loves me.  Will it be the same with her?  Will it be better?  It's weird because I know I'm not losing the person I married, but things are going to be different.

She began therapy last week, so things could really start progressing quickly.  The day before therapy is when I finally had my moment of grief for losing my husband.  The therapy went well and this week will be the second session.  At least we have someone local who she can go see.  Some people have to travel quite far for treatment.  I'm hoping today there will be more of a plan of action.  The first session was more of a beginning consultation, just the basics.

I'm anxious to see when the hormones can begin.  I know that will begin the true transformation.  I'm not sure exactly how soon the effects are felt, but I know significant changes can be seen in just a few months.  I'm not looking forward to mood swings and what I know hormones can do, but looking forward to her feeling complete as a person.  I do hope the hormones will provide that sense for her.

We've told a few more people now.  I can't believe how supportive some people can be.  I have amazing friends.  :)  The ones who know I was pretty sure were going to be great about it and I was right.  We've talked about telling some more family members, but I know that is not going to be easy. Some will probably handle it okay, but I suspect that there will be some that won't be able to deal with it very well.  I can tell myself all I want that I am prepared for it, but I won't know until the time comes.

I know I will be going through a lot more in the coming months, but right now I feel like I have really come to the point of acceptance.  I am excited for the changes to come and am ready to help her through the next phases.

New Year, New Beginnings

Thirteen years ago at midnight tonight was my first kiss with the person who became the love of my life and my spouse.  It was such a sweet moment and I knew it was the beginning of something really special.

I'm feeling really emotional today, but in a good way.  I think I'm just overwhelmed with thinking about the new beginnings to come and exploring this new chapter in my life.  It's going to be an emotional year, that I am sure of.   I'm starting to be okay with feeling the emotions though.  It's getting easier to deal with the anxieties and I'm feeling much more secure with my relationship.  I'm going to try to accept that I can feel happy and not just wait anxiously to see what will cause the happiness to end.  I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

I'm looking forward to the day when we are finally "out".  It's not that I want to announce it to the world, but I do want to not have to hide it.  I also want to share it with the people closest to me so they can understand me and my marriage better.  I know it will be uncomfortable for some, and maybe even unacceptable to others, but that's okay.  I know I will find support, but most importantly I will be living an honest life.

Something I keep going back to in my mind is a documentary I watched many years ago.  It was an interview of Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers.  It's a really long documentary, something like 6 hours, but it was inspirational to me.  I still don't think I've watched the whole thing.  His voice is so soothing, I end up falling asleep. :) One part in particular resonated with me and has helped me when I feel like I'm not being true to myself.  Here is a bit of it:

If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you.  I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

― Joseph Campbell

That struck me as so beautiful.  It seems pretty appropriate to the transgender issue, but it is true for all of us.  My goal for the New Year is to keep this in mind.  I need to encourage my spouse to keep following her bliss and allow myself to follow mine.  I'm hopeful that what each of us needs will lead us to having an ever deepening bond while becoming the people each of us are meant to be.

Happy New Year!!!

Facebook Group - Support for Spouses of Transgender / Transsexuals

I have been reading a new blog (see the link on the right) called My Husband is a Woman.  I have been emailing the writer of the blog and she has just created a new Facebook support group for spouses.  I am excited about this because there is so little information or support for the spouses of transgender or transsexual people.  It's hard to find other spouses who support the decision of their partner to be their true selves.  We need a place to network, share ideas and feelings about what we are going through.  Not everyone wants to write a blog.  I'm very grateful that she started this group and hope more people want to join.  :)

I don't know how many people read this yet, but if you would like to join, you can email me at  followyourbliss4u@gmail.com and I can send you a link.  It is a private group and people who are not in the group won't be able to view it.  Some of us, myself included, are not public with what is going on yet in our lives.

If you don't want to share your real identity, even on the Facebook page, you can always create an anonymous Facebook account.  You can create an anonymous email account too.  Sometimes I feel a bit cowardly for not sharing who I am, but I am trying to be respectful of my spouse's identity until she comes out and is ready to share.

Confusion about attraction and self-image

Something that occurred to me lately is that I have actually become attracted to my spouse's female persona.  Physically attracted more than I ever thought possible.  I was (and am) really feeling emotionally connected and sexually aroused around her.  It's beginning to be a little confusing for me.

Since she has started coming out around me, things have started opening up between us in ways I never thought would happen.  Now I am beginning to prefer her company, which I think we are both a bit confused by.  I'm sure it has to do with the realization that my spouse if finally starting to be comfortable in her expression and that I love to see her happy.  That being said, there is a part of me that is beginning to be a bit uncomfortable around him.  Maybe it's because I know he's just wishing he could be her all the time.  I don't want to be offensive by preferring "her" to "him", but everything seems so much less tense.  But isn't that what she wants?   I can't imagine what that must be like.  A trans person has enough self-image issues that I don't want to contribute to that by liking the male part less, but where is the balance?  Yes, the person deep inside is the same.  I love this person, who they are in their core, so why does it feel so different?

At first, I was much more uncomfortable around "her".  I wasn't quite sure how to act, whether to try to act like everything was normal and no big deal, whether or not to be sexual, whether or not I could be honest about my conflicting feelings.  We have gotten to a much better place now where we can at least discuss those things and I don't feel like I have to change who I am in order to feel like we can be comfortable together.

So now that I am feeling like I can be myself no matter what, I am feeling more conflicted or confused about my attraction.  The sexual attraction is amazing and wonderful.  We are experiencing such greater connection in that area and I find myself thinking about her all the time in that way.  I'm turned on by her willingness to let go and be expressive in that area.  I'm also turned on by kind of taking control sometimes and expressing my freakier side, which I didn't feel comfortable doing before.  I always knew it was a touchy area for "him."  Does this new attraction mean something different about my sexual orientation?   Am I more attracted to women than I thought or is it just being attracted to the person I fell in love with?

One thing I have been annoyed with and have expressed is how dismissive my spouse can be about my feelings about my own body.  I am going through a lot right now as well and discovering who I am and what my issues are with myself.  In a way, I am going through a transition that is nearly as extreme.  No, I am not trying to compare my physical or emotional state to gender issues, but emotionally I have been probably just as dysfunctional in the past.

If there are any transitioning spouses/partners reading, I am not trying to belittle what you are going through at all.  I can't pretend to know how hard that is.  What I'm saying is that for me, it's hard to be thrust into examining yourself because of what your spouse is going through.  The transition isn't just on your part.  I do think I personally happen to be ready to face that right now, but many other spouses aren't.  It's not easy to face what your own insecurities, fears, and attractions are when it hasn't been something you have been focused on/ conflicted with your whole life, like having the sense of being the wrong gender.  You transitioning partners have probably thought about the "whys" of who you are a lot more than we have.  I have been told that I should, or need, to be the strong one right now.  I can do that sometimes, but there are other times where I feel so completely uncomfortable with my own emotions about myself that I need support.

Guess what, I hate my body too.  Sure, she can be jealous that I was born feeling like I was the right gender or that I have the parts I do, but I still am disgusted with myself.  It makes me angry when that feeling is dismissed because I "should just feel grateful for having female parts."  Sorry, that isn't how it works.  I have body issues, as do most women.  It doesn't help that my spouse wishes she could feel like I do.  Most of the time, I am not comfortable with myself.  I'm too fat, I hate my teeth, I don't feel attractive at all in any way.

I never had to confront who I really was before this.  I have learned (very slowly) some of my own issues and how to express what I am feeling.  The majority of my emotional issues right now have nothing to do with my spouse.  Sure, that was a catalyst, but it forced my own internal reflection about why I am reacting to certain situations in the way I am.  Why do I need to be needed?  Why does it scare me that my spouse is getting better by beginning to be true to herself?  Why do I feel so scared of change but scared of things staying the same?

This is a very pivotal moment in our lives.  What I am trying to do now is not just focus on what is happening with my spouse, but really deal with my emotions as they come.  It's a new thing for me and I'm excited to discover who I am as much as finding new parts of my spouse and my marriage.  I don't want to be afraid anymore of being myself.  I want to be okay with whatever comes my way, good or bad and know that I am strong enough inside to handle it.

Types of Attractions...Did We Choose This?

Reading through various blogs has gotten me thinking about the type of women who are attracted to men who want to, or eventually do, become women.  Is there a common denominator?  Do we seek something we aren't even aware of?  Is there a commonality to us or to our partners/spouses?

One thing that seemed to be a common thread in the posts I've read is that the "men" we have chosen as our spouses probably have similar characteristics. I would describe my spouse as: Thoughtful, understanding, sympathetic, kind, gentle and easy to talk to.  I haven't read anything to the contrary so far for others.  Maybe there are others out there who are different, but I don't see someone who might (or do) transition as being chauvinistic or having typical "male" characteristics.

So, do we spouses/girlfriends of the MTF have things in commen?  It seems maybe we do.  What could some of those things be?

Are we a bit on masculine side?  By that I mean strong, independent, less emotional.  Do we tend to be in control a bit more in the relationship?  Do we allow our significant others to do typical "female" roles like dishes or laundry?  Did we even realize that?  Do we tend to dispute the role of the typical female?

What about sex?  Did we choose someone less sexually charged than past relationships?  Why?  Were we hurt in the past and sick of the typical relationship?  Did we change a past pattern to become more emotionally stable?

I think something we spouses/partners of MTF might experience sometimes is a threat to our own femininity while trying to not be the stereotype of what a "woman" is.  I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's how I feel sometimes.  I'm not a woman who likes makeup or shopping, I like to have the same rights and opportunities as men do, but I also want to feel feminine sometimes.  It's confusing when all of a sudden your spouse wants to be your wife/girlfriend.  I don't like to be a typical "woman", but I still have the feelings of a woman.

What does that make us in the relationship?  Are we the "men" in the relationship?  Do we now have to be more emotionally detached or take more control?  What if we want to feel sexy and womanly?  Is that a threat or insult our spouses if we do? When I'm told that no matter how sloppily I'm dressed or hair thrown up in a messy bun (without any attempt to look feminine) that my spouse is jealous of what I have, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  When she is trying so hard to be or feel like I can be anytime I want, it makes me feel guilty that I don't try harder with my feminine side.  At the same time, I don't want to feel uglier than the other girl(s) in the room.  Bitchy, yes, but it's true.  No woman wants to be the ugliest girl in the room. I don't like that competitive feeling I sometimes have with other women, now I'm having it a little bit with my spouse.  When she is getting dressed, I feel like I at least have to make myself somewhat presentable.  Maybe that will change over time.

I'm not trying to portray any of us in one light, I know each of our situations is different.  I am simply fascinated by psychology and human behavior.  Is there something that might have drawn us to our partners and them to us?

I'm more curious than anything on this post.  I would love to hear any comments or thoughts on things we spouses/girlfriends or the transitioning partners might have in common.

Moving Forward...So Many Questions

I feel I have delved into the past and have really come to terms with things I just wasn't dealing with in my life.  At least a little bit.  I recognize that part of what drew me and my spouse to one another is our common feelings about ourselves.  Low self-esteem while seeming self-confident.  Degrees of anxiety and depression, but putting on a brave face.  Helping others more than we help ourselves.  Codependent behaviors.  I am getting better about allowing myself to have my own feelings and accepting them as they come, good or bad.  I'm not holding everything in all the time.  It's still hard to look at myself instead of solely focusing on my spouse and her issues, but I am really making an effort to do that.  It's important to not lose yourself in someone else's problems when you are a codependent type.  It's easier sometimes to focus on the other person and what they are going through rather than facing your own feelings.

Now we're in a little bit of a holding pattern.  It will be awhile before my spouse can go to a therapist to get a diagnosis and makes the decision to either "come out" or not.  It's weird, I guess I don't even consider that possibility anymore, not being honest with the world about who my spouse is.

How could it even be possible to not move forward with this?  Does that happen? If it does, is that even real?  I would think a regression would be more of a denial of the true self than anything.  I'm not saying that the SRS would necessarily have to happen, but I can't see closing off the feminine side now.  My spouse talks about not being sure if this is the right path, but can something so deep that has been there for so long be wrong?  Is it simply fear of change?  Fear of admitting who she really is? Why do I resist the notion that this might not be the path?  Am I afraid that things would go back to the way they were when we were both so closed off emotionally?

I can see how other people who didn't know about their spouses' feelings from the beginning would just want things to go back "to normal" and not have to deal with the consequences of such a drastic change.  In my case, I am actually much happier with the person I am getting to know.  I don't want to go back now.  No matter what the outcome (surgery or not), I like what our relationship has become.  Yes there are new fears now and things are more emotional, but I feel like we're being much more honest with each other and with ourselves.  I was very scared in the beginning of what is actually happening now, but am getting to a true acceptance of what our lives could become.  Sure, it's still scary.  Yes, it's easier to hide emotionally from what is going on inside my head, but if I keep living in that kind of denial, I don't think I will ever be happy no matter who I am with.  I'm beginning to find the inner strength and acceptance of myself so I can let go of the fear of losing someone in my life.  No, I don't want to lose people, but I think it's important to know that no matter what happens, I can be my true self and let my spouse do the same.

Something that was brought up is the subject of telling other people.  When is that appropriate?  Is it wrong to tell people what you're going through, even if there isn't a clear answer on how it will end up?  In my mind, it's more fair to tell people earlier.  It gives them more time to adjust to the thought and maybe helps explain past behaviors like why we might not be as social with other people right now.

One of the fears is, what if we tell people and then things change and she doesn't want to move forward with it?  I am to the point now that I would rather people know so we don't have to hide.  If it doesn't happen, so what?  If it does, so what?  Letting people in on your thoughts doesn't mean that you have to follow a certain path.  You can tell them that the future is unclear.  At least then we could live honestly.  Yes, you risk losing people, being rejected, being ridiculed.  But if that is what happens, maybe those people weren't meant to be in your life forever.  I think we learn something from everyone we have relationships with, but we don't always need to actually keep those relationships.

So many things going through my mind.  I really just want to tell people.  I'm sick of hiding.  I want support for both of us.  I'm wondering what the testosterone blocker or hormones will do.  Is my spouse going to still want to be with me?  Will I still want to stay?  Will we have to move?  Will we lose our jobs?  How much will this cost and can we afford it?  Who will we lose in our lives?  Who will we gain in our lives?

Oh, so many questions yet to be answered.  I'm trying to be patient, but it's a hard place to be right now.  I almost feel like I did before my dad died his slow and painful death.  I can't stand waiting for the inevitable change in my life and not knowing exactly how I will feel at that point.  I just want to know how things are going to turn out.  I know it's going to be really difficult, but waiting for it to happen feels like I'm in slow motion and dwelling in a place within myself that is uncomfortable while watching someone I love more than anything suffer so much.  There's nothing I can do about their suffering and I just have to sit and watch.  Yes, I can be supportive, but their pain is ultimately their own.  Maybe that is what is scaring me the most.  The last time I felt this way, someone I could always count on to make me feel safe and loved was gone forever.  Other relationships with family changed because of that loss.  Change isn't easy to deal with and brings up a lot of emotion.

What I take from that feeling now is that I did survive that loss.  I was a wreck, but I survived.  That loss lead me getting to know myself on a deeper level.  I think this might be along the same lines. No matter what happens, it's something that is helping me understand myself better and helps me see my inner strength and convictions.  It is also helping me connect with my spouse in a much more meaningful way.  This blog is about my feelings, but I have a lot of admiration for the courage it takes to admit something so unconventional to others.  It's a very vulnerable position to be in and I identify with that.

Jealousy and Boundaries

I hate being a jealous person.  I didn't think my spouse was a jealous person either.  Lately, we both have had a few issues in that area.  I'm sure it's because our relationship is changing and the future is more uncertain.  I'm having a hard time knowing when to express it or when to just keep it to myself.  I've spent so much time in the past keeping things to myself that I have been wanting to keep sharing all of my feelings.  Sometimes I need to know when to keep my mouth shut.  I feel like I've been ruining some pretty awesome moments for her by me expressing my insecurities.

For example, we have had one person visit so far when she was in full presentation mode.  She was very excited about it of course, but I had these enormous pangs of jealousy.  Most of the time it was just fine, but I could feel myself retreating into my shell because I didn't know what to do with that feeling.  I really do want her to have friends and be around supportive people, but it's so hard right now.  Seeing her bonding with other women is really hard for me to handle.

It's still so fresh that some of the feelings coming up take me by surprise.  Then I can't help but blurt it out.  I know that ruins the moment.  For example, she was talking to a friend on the phone and I wanted to give her privacy because it was the first time she was telling this person about the situation.  I don't know this other woman, but respect that they are friends and were co-workers.  I left for a little while because I know when I'm talking to someone about something personal, sometimes I might need to vent or say things that might hurt my spouse's feelings.  Or just something that person might not understand.  When I got back, I just sat by myself while she was in the other room with the door shut.  They were on the phone for a long time and when she was done, she was so happy about her first "girlfriend" conversation.  I immediately ruined the moment by saying that I don't want it to become a pattern that she is just off in another room with the door shut talking to other women.  I did explain that I understood the importance of why she did it, but would be uncomfortable if it happened like that all the time.  Why couldn't I just let her have the moment and keep my big mouth shut?  It could have been addressed later.  Ugh!

What is so hard for me about her being friends with other women?  I guess it goes back to the past (again) and to other people who had betrayed me.  My "friends" betrayed me, my boyfriends betrayed me, on and on.  I guess I'm also afraid that she is going to find someone who she connects with on a deeper level and then I'm out of the picture.  Also, it's a difficult situation when you're friends with the gender you're sexually attracted to.  How do lesbians cope with this?  It's so much easier in the male-female relationship I think because the lines are usually pretty clear.  Sure, we both have friends of the opposite sex, but we don't go hang out alone with them.  It just doesn't seem appropriate.  All I usually ever had growing up were guy friends.  That stopped once I started having serious relationships.  They had guy friends, I had girl friends.  We didn't hang out with the others alone.  It just seemed like the rule.  What are the rules here and where are the boundaries?  I'm sure I'm still not allowed to go hang out with guys alone.  Nor would I want to do that to her.  I hang out with other girls alone, why shouldn't she?  What the hell am I so scared of?

I think the other part is watching her enjoy the compliments from other women.  She is (and should be) flattered and excited by that.  I don't deny her that.  It just seems to mean more from the other people than from me for some reason.  I guess it's that way with any relationship, but just stings a bit more right now for me.  I'm trying to prepare for watching her flirt, but that's going to be hard.  It's inevitable though.

So, is the jealousy all about sex?  Maybe right now it is for me.  I'm not used to worrying about my spouse with women.  "He" didn't want to be with other women.  It was difficult enough for "him" to be with me in any sexual capacity, so I had nothing to fear with other women.  Now what?  Did I choose this person because of the safety factor?  I had chosen so poorly in the past and been emotionally hurt so badly by men that I chose someone completely different.  I never doubted for a minute that this person would ever do anything to betray me.  Why am I questioning that now?  Maybe because once we become more involved in the transition, we're going to meet more people like us.  Maybe I think she chose me just because I was the only one she thought she would ever get.  Did she "settle" for me?

I think the other part is that I'm not a girly-girl.  I can participate in the typical "female" activities, but don't necessarily enjoy them.  I don't mind playing with makeup once in awhile or helping her shop, but I just don't get as into it as other women might.  I do like cooking and being crafty.  I don't want to deny her any of that, but want to be involved in the process, but also don't want to lose myself in the process.  I don't want to have to act more feminine or stop being the crude person I can sometimes be just for her.  That wouldn't be honest to who I am.  Is she going to get sick of that side of me once she's around more women?

Okay, this post became a complete rambling.  I'm still not real clear on my thoughts here.  I guess we just have to take it like everything else...baby steps.  Bottom line is, we need to keep communicating about our feelings and how we can be sensitive to one another while being true to ourselves.

Let's talk about sex...

Sex seems to be the largest issue that non-transitioning spouses have with the idea of Sexual Reassignment.  We did, after all, choose to marry men.  If our true orientation were lesbian, wouldn't we have chosen women?  It's so hard to imagine never getting to have sex with a man again, but I am in love and take my vows seriously...so what now?

In my case, our sex life was pretty tame.  Okay, it was boring.  I had experimented a lot in my youth and was up for trying just about anything once.  I had been with others before him who wanted sex so much that I got sick of it.  When I got married, I knew that I was choosing a good solid relationship built on love and respect and a boring sex life was just something I decided I would have to live with.  Sure, some times were better than others, but it always seemed like he was trying SO hard to like it that it ended up hurting my feelings.  He liked it when I got pleasure, but usually not from intercourse.  He wouldn't let me do anything to him on some occasions.  I felt really ugly, ashamed, sad, and couldn't understand why he would want to be with me if I didn't even turn him on. There were a few times I just ended up crying and, let me tell you, that does absolutely nothing to help a sexual relationship.  We didn't talk about sex, we didn't have it very often and it caused us both a lot of anxiety.

One huge thing I realized was that I couldn't emotionally connect during sex.  I find it a zesty enterprise. :)  I just thought of it as an animalistic activity that feels good.  I got uncomfortable if it was too serious or I had to look into someone else's eyes.  I just wanted to have fun in the bedroom, and use our bodies in whichever way we felt like.  I didn't want to feel anything emotionally deep at that time.  I had to ask myself why that was. I was emotionally detached from sex, which made it easier to just think of it as a physical act to enjoy.

I started thinking about what is it about what I like that I actually like in the bedroom, what I felt wasn't being fulfilled.  (That's a whole different discussion) What it came down to is realizing that I never let him get close to me emotionally in that part of our relationship.  Over time I ended up blaming him for not being open sexually.  I realize now that was not just his fault.  He needs emotional connection while having intimacy, I have an extreme fear of that.  That is something I am working on for myself.  I think it had to do with a string of bad experiences in the beginning of my sexual exploration.  I think I just cut myself off from feeling anything during those activities early on in life and that just became how it was for me.  I think that's how it is for a lot of women, but it isn't easy to admit that past experiences (even and maybe especially bad ones) formed what we like sexually.  What's worse, the sexual desires probably don't match what we want in a relationship.

I think the realization of the roots of my own sexual desires / fantasies gave me some deeper insight into what my spouse was feeling.  What I desired didn't make sense.  Why would I desire things that made me ashamed when I was younger?  Why would I think that I needed those desires in my relationship when it turned out so poorly before?  It's all so very confusing.  But what I realized is that what both of us were feeling weren't that different.  We were both just scared of what we liked and didn't understand why.  How do you reconcile different sexual desires or drives in a rapidly changing marriage?

How can you make a relationship work if you desire a different gender than what your spouse feels they are?  Is there really a part of you that desires the other gender?  Can open marriages or "swinger" type marriages work?  How can we deny each other sexual pleasure even if we can't give each other that particular pleasure?  I don't know any of the answers to this, I just know that we have started discussing it.

I don't know how people with "open" marriages cope with the jealousy or hurt that seems inevitable to me.  In a perfect world, we could be married to the people we love, get to enjoy their sexuality but also get to fulfill any desire we like on our own (or with them if they are willing) as well.  There is a part of me that thinks it doesn't even seem like a marriage at the point couples are allowing others into the bedroom or somewhere outside of the marriage.  I don't know how else people can reconcile the way they can be completely compatible in a relationship, but not necessarily always in the bedroom.

My initial conclusion, being that we are in the very beginning stages of this process, is that any couple going through this has to be willing to confront the issue of desires towards other people.  As the transitioning person is going through hormonal changes, desires might change.  The spouses' desires might change.  Yes, you have committed to live your life with this person for better or for worse, but should we really deny each other that type of sexual outlet?

There is a part of me that would be extremely turned on by seeing my spouse with another person, just to watch the enjoyment...but I would want to be a part of it.  I would be jealous to see a stronger sexual desire for someone else that I could never get, even it did make more sense.  A part of me would be terrified that they would be a better match than we are and what we had would be over.  I do know people who have made this type of relationship work, but it is based on complete honesty and rules about what can or can't happen.  Is that a more evolved relationship, or just giving up on some part of your relationship?

I think the most important part of any relationship, especially in the sex department, is honesty.  We have to be able to be honest about what we feel so it can at least be discussed.  Obviously, I don't have all the answers, but a ton of questions.  How do people make this work if sex drives or desires are different but you really want to spend your life with the partner you chose?

Holidays

The holidays are here and it has occurred to me that this might be the last time I will be spending it with my family and my husband.  I am not quite sure how I feel about that.  Excited in one sense because the beautiful, tender woman I have come to know could be a part of it.  Sad in a way, because I know nothing will be the same if the transition actually happens.  How will family respond?  Will we even be able to attend these functions?  How awkward is that going to be?

One of my sisters knows about this situation and is very supportive.  I don't know which of the other family members will be supportive.  They might reluctantly accept that we are going through this, but not feel comfortable with it.  What would it be like to be the lesbian couple that everyone has trouble looking at?  Would I get the pity stares of people who just think I'm "brave" for sticking it out?  Would they understand that I am actually supportive of this and not just going along with it?  Would they understand that I love this person even more than I ever did?

Why do I care?  Why would I care what they think?  I think it's not so much for me, but I feel protective of her feelings and want everyone to accept that this is who she is.

Today is Thanksgiving so we're off to join family and put on our happy faces.  I hate being around family when I'm feeling so conflicted, because they are the ones who can see right through me.  They will know something is up if they're looking at me.  I just have to put that wall back up again to shut it out.  This is a particularly hard time for our family anyway after my dad passed away a few years back.  It's hard on everyone, we all miss him.  We don't talk about it, but everyone seems like they are all just on the verge of tears while we're forcing laughter.  We all battle depression that we don't deal with.  Why can't we just be real?

What I really want today is to get a little drunk so I can numb the anxiety.  I'm doing too much of that lately, but that's just one of the coping mechanisms I know how to use.  I've seen it all my life and have used it as a crutch now for a little too long.  Am I an alcoholic?  Perhaps.  I don't like being sloppy, falling-over, slurring kind of drunk...just enough to take the edge off so I can block out my feelings.  I'm hoping now that I have started facing my demons, that part of my life can go away.  It sickens me that I drink to dull the pain, but I keep doing it.  I guess I might need to reconsider medication.  When I was on anti-depressants, I didn't feel the urge so much.  That or the anxiety pills, but those made me so drowsy I didn't take them hardly ever.

Oh well...I'm off to plaster on that fake face and get comfortably numb.  Maybe someday we both can gather the strength to finally be who we really are.  Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.

Getting to know her

After the dust settled from the initial determination that we were both ready now to explore this new idea, we began exploring what it is like to be with each other as more of our true selves.  Many late night conversations about our pasts, our feelings, our hopes and dreams.  It was almost like we were starting a whole new relationship.  In essence, that is exactly what is happening.

Sure, it's not all great and we both have our moments of doubt and insecurity, but it has only been about a month so far and we haven't shared our new experience with anyone except a few of the people closest to us who had known about the issue before.  That being said, I feel a stronger bond in my marriage than ever.  I also feel other parts of myself coming out that I had not expected, both good and bad.

I am having fun helping her get to look her best.  Getting to help make her comfortable and pretty while we're just hanging around the house has been fun because before, all the tight undergarments and not having the correct size clothing just made her demeanor more uncomfortable.  Of course it was, those things suck to wear.  That's why women don't wear them all the time.  We got some clothes that fit right, got the right things to secure other things like the wig and boobs in place and dropped the tight cinching garments that aren't comfortable to wear for any woman.  Sure, we might go out in those type of things, but not just for hanging out at home.  I got some nice feminine soft pants, shirts, etc. for her to get to feel like herself, but comfortable.  I felt like we really got to know each other in a whole new way.  I started really enjoying her new look and am kind of disappointed to see it go away during the day when we're around other people.  Her whole attitude is more tender, understanding and she's just been easier to talk to.  Yes, this is still the same person, but I feel like I can open up more and just be able to express my feelings.  I think she feels that way too.

We were finally able to relax enough to laugh again too.  That was something that was becoming a bit of a concern for me.  We always laughed, but it had been so serious that we weren't able to just feel like ourselves.  As soon as that started happening again, I felt much better and less like I was going to completely lose the relationship I had been in for so long.

There have been some enormous challenges for me.  Some I expected, some I didn't see coming at all until they were right in front of me.  I hate those ones because I don't have time to process the feelings first and might end up saying something that comes out all wrong or something I didn't really mean.

Shopping, for instance, was a surprising challenge.  We are able to wear the same clothes, since I am a big girl, so I thought shopping wouldn't be that big an issue.  People would just assume that my husband was helping me choose clothing.  Turns out, it was harder than I thought.  I am not super fashionable and really don't like shopping.  I get discouraged because I hate trying on clothes and it ends up just making me feel awful about myself and my body.  I usually end up feeling worse about myself than ever and get angry that people think all big girls want is stuff that looks like what an 80 year old woman might wear.  We don't get the cute choices.  I feel like I just want to cover all the disgusting fat up and shouldn't ever be looked at or desired ever again.

I thought it was going to be fun helping her shop.  After all, I didn't have to focus on my own body.  The first time though, I didn't realize how tense it would be.  She was anxious, of course, which made me anxious.  It wasn't fun at all.  We disagreed on what might look good and couldn't really talk about it in the store.  She wouldn't even touch things hardly at all.  That was starting to make me angry.  I understand why, but I still didn't want to be the only one looking.  My taste in style, or complete lack of style, is obviously different than what she has in mind.  It was supposed to be fun and she was just completely frozen.  We both ended up frustrated but did get a few things to try.  After that first time, we have learned how to calm down a bit.  Hopefully that part will get better.  It's more fun for me helping someone else shop than me shopping for myself.  If I go shopping with friends (which is rare), I need it to be something we can have fun with, laugh about, be able to talk about other things while we're in the store.  It helps me cope with my own anxieties about shopping.

Makeup was another surprising challenge.  I am okay at doing my own makeup when I ever bother to do that, which is only once or twice a year maybe.  We decided to try putting some on her and didn't have the right colors.  It, of course, didn't turn out well and took way too long.  She was getting impatient and so was I.  It was so-so and we decided to get the right foundation for her skin tone.  The next time we tried, I was trying really hard and it was starting to look really good.  Then, she started telling me how she thought it was supposed to be done.  That was irritating because I didn't want my own inadequacies pointed out right then when I was just trying to help.  When I was done, she was focused on her own flaws and didn't seem to really like anything about what I'd done.  I couldn't help it, I just broke down because I wanted so badly to help her feel pretty.  Then she got upset because I was supposed to be the strong one in this situation.  That hurt even worse.  I should get to feel things too.  Why couldn't I feel vulnerable too?  I don't want to be "the man" in the relationship.  By that I mean just holding in all my feelings.  I am a woman too.  I can be strong, but I have feelings too.

The worst for me right now is my own insecurities.  I have built my whole life around these walls I've constructed to not feel...well, any deep emotion.  I made a conscious effort to start to break down those walls and I feel like I am an insecure teenager again.  All my previous hurt, jealousy, heartache and fears were rearing their ugly heads again.  I tried so hard to put all that behind me or block it out that when I started feeling that way, I began getting depressed again.  How could anyone love me for real?  How could someone really love this person who is insecure?  Once she saw the real me, would she run screaming?  I realized that I had never told my husband in all the years we were together some of the horrible things that had happened to me and what that did to my self esteem.  The times I let myself believe that someone loved me and they betrayed me.  The times I truly trusted someone and they stabbed me right in the back.  I hadn't really let myself trust or feel love in a long time, even with my own marriage.  There was always a part of me waiting to be hurt again.  I guess I still am.  I'm trying really hard to let go of that, but when you spend over 20 years of your life building defenses, it's hard to let go of them.

Once I was able to really express this in actual words, not just in my own head, it's been better for us as a couple but harder on me emotionally.  I can feel it when I start detaching again and have to force myself to give in to the helpless feeling I get inside and trust that it will be okay.  I realized that I do actually trust this person and love her with my whole heart.  That's the scariest part.  Once I do truly love and allow that love in return, the thought of losing it seems too much to bear.  Nobody can predict the future, so I have to just enjoy each moment of being in love.

The Breaking Point

The circumstances of how things in my marriage came to a breaking point are irrelevant.  What is important is that in an emotional debate/argument about our marriage, I suddenly realized his gender identity issues had been pushed too far down and it was only making him frustrated.  I was also frustrated.  He couldn't deny it anymore, he hated the thought of testosterone in his body.  He didn't know what that meant, he didn't know if he could handle being the way he was anymore.  He couldn't give me the type of sexual fulfilment I desired.  He didn't think he could handle an open marriage, so where did that leave us?

I'd say that was one of the most pivotal points in my life so far.  I spent the whole night tossing and turning, didn't sleep much at all and cried.  And cried....and cried the whole next day.  I was crying at the thought of my marriage being unable to survive because I might need something different sexually.  I cried for the person I married, being so miserable.  I cried because if I really wanted this marriage to work, I was going to have to change myself.

I was going to have to get ready to face some really tough emotional challenges and I knew it was going to mean looking in the mirror.  Had it not been for the counseling a few years back, I wouldn't have had to learn that there are ways to do that.  I had already begun finding myself, but not wholeheartedly.  I was avoiding my inner emotions.  I started reading other blogs from other wives and started realizing that writing about this might help.  I started a journal that helped me get a handle on all the thoughts in my head.

I thought long and hard about the question of why I am with this person.  It had been asked in a blog by other wives so it got me to thinking about it really deep down.  I chose to go into the relationship knowing the confusion that was there.  I went into the marriage knowing we have different styles of sexuality.  I always knew there was a possibility that this could go further, but didn't really believe it would.  When that seemed like more of a reality, my rollercoaster of emotions seemed like it was only about him and our marriage but, like a slap in the face, I had the thought...wait, maybe these emotions are really about me!

What I came to realize is that my own deep fears and insecurities throughout my life drew me to connect with a person that also had those same issues.  I mask or avoid my emotions, because they become incredibly overwhelming.  I put up walls over the years to avoid getting hurt by being rejected or losing people.  I was finally able to admit to myself that what scared me most about all this is that he might not need me anymore.  If he is able to be who he or she is, why would this person need me anymore?   Sure, I know there are all the other fears of violence, rejection and losing our comfortable (but somewhat boring) existence, but losing my soulmate was the biggest fear.  I realized that this change would also mean that I had also put a wall up in my marriage that I have to tear down, and that is terrifying.

I couldn't have predicted what has changed in myself, just in the past few weeks.  I came to an understanding that I have to teach him/her what I need and be really open and honest about all the things I was feeling.  Reading about others really helped me articulate my feelings and accept that no matter what, the most important thing to me is being true to myself and helping my spouse be true to him/herself as well.  It is very difficult for me to be vulnerable in this way, to allow this path to be explored and be truly accepting of whatever comes our way, no matter how many emotions are attached to it.

What I would like to say to the wives/girlfriends out there is that we can choose to not only help our partners with their exploration or transformations, but to help them understand how we think.  I really believe that was the part that has helped us get to a completely different level in our relationship.
I was able to finally express that I have this dialogue in my head going on all the time that is like a battle.  The irrational fears, the rational fears, the crazy thoughts and the insecurity battles the logic and confidence all the time.  It's not just about our relationship, it's just what happens with me.  It makes me feel like I am crazy...until I talk to my closest friends and realize that I am not alone in that.  They help me by letting me get it out without judgement and just letting me work through it.  Then I had the realization that he feels that way too inside. It's such a stigma for men to express emotions, so it must feel terribly lonely.

An example of the cycle/duel in my head:
"I'm not an overly feminine woman, am I expected to all of a sudden change and like shopping and makeup when I don't do it for myself?  Don't be stupid, he knows who you are and has loved you all these for the way you are. You don't have to like it, but she needs support and you can do that for her.  I have very little fashion sense, how can I live up to trying to teach someone else about it? Get someone to help you dummy!  If I don't help with that and someone else does, is that going to create another bond that will make him realize that I am not the best person for him?  That's ridiculous, you are just being paranoid. He's allowed to bond with other people.  Am I the best person for him?  If he changes, is she going to view me as an inadequate woman? Shut up, you are who you are.  Is she the best person for me?  Yes, you have someone who is supportive, caring, empathetic and listens to you."
 
So many questions (and apparently answers to myself), but I feel like being able to simply express the full dialogue finally has freed me from those fears.  Before we opened up with our communication, he acted like I was blaming him for the feelings.  What I had to explain is that the feelings are just there and I need to just let them out.  It doesn't mean I need anyone to fix it, that I am placing blame or expecting a resolution, it is just there and I can't help what pops into my head.  Holding it in just makes it all snowball later.

And then we both just let go.  We admitted to ourselves and each other that we're ready for the next step and weren't going to let fear stand in our way anymore.  We had to let the walls down.  I really had to take a hard look at myself, my behavior, my fears, my love, and my core beliefs in order to accept what we were about to embark on. So did she.  Here goes nothing...