Tips for maintaining a great wig

Hello ladies!  One of the big things for my spouse and I was the cost of wigs.  We wanted her to be able to have a great wig that looked very realistic.  This was especially important when she decided to go "full-time."  For my spouse, the wig is probably going to be a necessity forever as she began transition late in life (45 years old) and the male-pattern baldness in all reality will most likely always be a problem.

We are in the same situation as many of you are, I'm sure.  We don't have a ton of money to spend on these type of supplies.  They are a necessity for sure, but we can't afford to keep buying new wigs when the old ones get frizzy and you keep trimming until they are basically worthless.  Who are we kidding, most of us are not hairdressers, right?  

So, we found a great wig to start with before she decided to go full time.  It was economical, but didn't have a lace-front.  After several months, just before she went full-time, we saved enough to get a great lace-front wig.  It cost us about $ 200.00 (US)  It's synthetic, but looks fabulous.  It's very hard to tell that it isn't her natural hair.  After a month, however, it started having the "frayed" look that the previous wigs had.  This was very discouraging to both of us because we just couldn't afford to keep getting new wigs, and trimming it just messes up the whole look.  I mean, it doesn't grow back, right?  

We were told to never ever apply heat to the wig because it would forever damage it.  I did, however, find a way to recondition the wig at home by being VERY, VERY careful.  I found a website from a woman who has a condition who requires wearing a wig all the time and has the same monetary issue.  She described a way to recondition the wig that actually works to bring it back to the state it was in when we bought it.  Here is her description:  http://jeezlouise.net 

I will describe the technique, but beware that anything you try at home you do at your own risk.  I was petrified to try it, so I tried on one of the older wigs first before I tried it on a good one.  It's surprisingly easy, but there are a few key things you need:  A spray bottle with water (and I add a touch of wig conditioner to the water), A few hair clips, A bristle brush (which you should only use on wigs in this one specific application), a flat iron with a variable temperature.  **** The variable temperature is the key because you want very low heat.  Mine varies between 80 degrees F to about 200 degrees F (I don't know the conversion to Celsius - you're on your own there)  I turn it down to almost the lowest setting to do this, just to be on the safer side.  To prop the wig up, I use a tripod for a camera covered with a hand towel.  I've tried other things, but this seems to give me the best angles to work with. 

You take small sections of the hair and brush it flat, spray it with the water/conditioner mix, then quickly run the flat iron down the section of hair.  After that, run the bristle brush over the section to pull it straight.  *** Again, test this on an old wig first to get the feel for the right temperature and dampness ***  I use hair clips to section off the areas I have already done vs. the areas I still need to do.  

This re-straightens the wig from the little curly ends that get tangled and frizzy and it really looks like brand new.  I have pictures of what I do if anyone needs it, but I'm not going to post it right now.  (I do this blog on my iPad and it doesn't like inserting photos)  If anyone needs further advice or wants me to post pics, I sure will.

I hope that helps some of you out there, that was an issue we dealt with that I didn't hear people talk much about, so I thought I'd share, since I just got done re-conditioning her wig again.  Yes, she does know how to do it herself, but I actually enjoy doing it for her.  It takes me about an hour to get the whole thing done.  It only needs to be done about once every 2 weeks with everyday use.

One of the biggest things to keep the wig from fraying in the first place is to learn how to brush it properly.  Start from the bottom and work your way up.  If you start to feel resistance, stay in the lower area until your brush moves freely through the hair, then work your way up.  If you start at the top and just rip your way down, you end up slightly curling the ends of the wig, which causes the fraying and frizziness in the first place.  

What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?

New Beginnings

Tomorrow marks a new day for us.  My spouse will be finally going "full time" in her transition and beginning to go to work and living her life as she has always wanted.  I'm so excited and happy for her.  What a wonderful feeling it must be to finally get to live your life as you've always dreamed.

We had a wonderful night last night.  We had a sort of "birthday" celebration for her and so many people attended!  The people there were the ones so instrumental in supporting us throughout this whole process.  I am forever grateful for every word of support, every question that made me think of something new, every revelation from others that they might share some of either one of our feelings. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system and I love them all.  I cannot thank the people in our lives enough who have helped us along the way.  You all know who you are. :)  

Just thinking that it's only been slightly less than a year since we made the decision to move forward with the transition process is amazing.  So many changes, so many emotions, but so many good things have happened since then.  I feel more in love with my spouse right at this moment than I ever have.  She is becoming who she needs to be and has also encouraged me to put my best efforts forward to be my best self.

Like I've said before, there is so much I have learned about myself through this process that I feel like I have started living up to being the person I was meant to be as well.  I've confronted my own issues and have slowly started to let my walls down and let other people in.  I've confronted the biggest and most shameful personal problem for me...my depression issues.  I've learned that pushing that down and ignoring the problem does nothing to make it better.  Yes, it is still a struggle, but working on it has helped me recognize that there might be hope for it to get better by not bottling up every emotion.

None of us knows for sure what the future holds.  All we can do is work to live every day to the fullest and recognize the people in our lives who help us along the way.  I've learned that although you need to rely on yourself to make things happen, I really don't think any of us can progress as people completely alone.  It's kind of a philosophical thought really...what is the point of existing in this world without others?  Yes, people can be disappointing, they can be mean or hurtful, but they can also be wonderful, inspirational and amazing.  Keep the people around you who inspire you and lift you up.  Let the others go.  You don't need to shun them, but you also don't need to feel obligated to sacrifice your own happiness.  Love yourself.  

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

What kind of person am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am currently and who I wish to be in the future.  Not only that, but who I appear to be to others and how much of who I appear to be is real.  How much of that is an act, or how much of that is...I don't know...reality?

Here is how I see myself:  I am a person who is worried all the time about everyone else and how they think I am living up to their expections.  I believe I'm a smart person, but constantly question myself and whether I'm right or wrong and if others believe in me.  I feel like I am not living up to my full potential.  I don't feel I have ever accomplished anything of worth and have just been fooling myself and everyone else my whole life.  I don't ever think anyone likes me, not really.  I think they just pretend that they do.  I feel like I read people well, but I can't express myself correctly in any situation.  I am too sensitive to allow myself to be open to many people.

Here is how I feel others view me:  I am a very direct, honest and forthright person.  I like to be in control and I can be forceful, especially if I think I'm in the right.  If I think I have a better way of doing something, I speak up.  If I see something I feel is inefficient, something that could be improved upon or something I perceive as an injustice to someone else, I won't back down and can sometimes badger others to see things my way.  I suppose I could be described as kind of a bitch sometimes.

I can also be quite compassionate and understanding of people or situations.  I'm sure the disparity is very confusing to some people.  I feel that I come off as really cold and elusive at times to people in my everyday life, but warm and inviting to strangers.  I'm a very sensitive person and care quite deeply about other people and their feelings.  I just have a really hard time showing that to people who might get close to me.

Where do my feelings come from?  I have been thinking a lot about that lately.  A large part of that could have come from my background growing up in a military family.  We don't have a "family home" or a place that any of us can look to as a part of our past and how we were raised.  Friends came and went like the wind.  Nobody was permanent.  It was all over the place.  I've had people dump me.  I've had people quite close to me die and leave me with a feeling of such deep depression that it doesn't feel worth it to get that close again.  It hurts too much to lose people.

It's so much easier to keep people at a distance.  In my experience, everyone goes away eventually.  Nobody stays permanently.  Don't get close, it hurts too much to care deeply about anyone.  It's sad, but just the way I feel most of the time.  But I do sometimes long for that connection.  I have made those connections with people in recent years, but still keep them at a distance.  Everyone.  Family and friends. I guess I don't really want to let anyone in on the true extent of my feelings because I am afraid they won't care at all...or that they will.  If they do care, then I would feel responsibility for their reaction to my feelings.

I guess the conclusion is that I have to admit that I'm a codependent person.  I rely on others to validate my feelings.  I'm a caretaker and don't value my own feelings above others' feelings.  I don't want to be that way, it's just the way it is, at least right now.  I've known that I am that way since I went to counseling (in theory), but I suppose it takes time for reality to set in and change a lifetime of how you think about yourself and others.

Now I have to work on how to get out of that type of thinking.  What do I do for myself?  How do I learn to take care of myself and not let everyone else's needs trump my own without being "selfish"?  I've always heard that you cannot truly love anyone else until you love yourself.  How do you learn to love yourself after a life of self-doubt and depression?  How do you learn to stand up for yourself?

Part of why this type of self evaluation has happened is analyzing how my marriage has worked in the past and how it might work in the future.  In order to stay in this situation, I need to face myself, my feelings and how my spouse and I interact during this process.  Honesty about my feelings and accepting her feelings will be the key to our new type of marriage and being in a happy place with ourselves and each other.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I am looking forward to the changes that are to come of this.