New Beginnings

Tomorrow marks a new day for us.  My spouse will be finally going "full time" in her transition and beginning to go to work and living her life as she has always wanted.  I'm so excited and happy for her.  What a wonderful feeling it must be to finally get to live your life as you've always dreamed.

We had a wonderful night last night.  We had a sort of "birthday" celebration for her and so many people attended!  The people there were the ones so instrumental in supporting us throughout this whole process.  I am forever grateful for every word of support, every question that made me think of something new, every revelation from others that they might share some of either one of our feelings. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system and I love them all.  I cannot thank the people in our lives enough who have helped us along the way.  You all know who you are. :)  

Just thinking that it's only been slightly less than a year since we made the decision to move forward with the transition process is amazing.  So many changes, so many emotions, but so many good things have happened since then.  I feel more in love with my spouse right at this moment than I ever have.  She is becoming who she needs to be and has also encouraged me to put my best efforts forward to be my best self.

Like I've said before, there is so much I have learned about myself through this process that I feel like I have started living up to being the person I was meant to be as well.  I've confronted my own issues and have slowly started to let my walls down and let other people in.  I've confronted the biggest and most shameful personal problem for me...my depression issues.  I've learned that pushing that down and ignoring the problem does nothing to make it better.  Yes, it is still a struggle, but working on it has helped me recognize that there might be hope for it to get better by not bottling up every emotion.

None of us knows for sure what the future holds.  All we can do is work to live every day to the fullest and recognize the people in our lives who help us along the way.  I've learned that although you need to rely on yourself to make things happen, I really don't think any of us can progress as people completely alone.  It's kind of a philosophical thought really...what is the point of existing in this world without others?  Yes, people can be disappointing, they can be mean or hurtful, but they can also be wonderful, inspirational and amazing.  Keep the people around you who inspire you and lift you up.  Let the others go.  You don't need to shun them, but you also don't need to feel obligated to sacrifice your own happiness.  Love yourself.  

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

What kind of person am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am currently and who I wish to be in the future.  Not only that, but who I appear to be to others and how much of who I appear to be is real.  How much of that is an act, or how much of that is...I don't know...reality?

Here is how I see myself:  I am a person who is worried all the time about everyone else and how they think I am living up to their expections.  I believe I'm a smart person, but constantly question myself and whether I'm right or wrong and if others believe in me.  I feel like I am not living up to my full potential.  I don't feel I have ever accomplished anything of worth and have just been fooling myself and everyone else my whole life.  I don't ever think anyone likes me, not really.  I think they just pretend that they do.  I feel like I read people well, but I can't express myself correctly in any situation.  I am too sensitive to allow myself to be open to many people.

Here is how I feel others view me:  I am a very direct, honest and forthright person.  I like to be in control and I can be forceful, especially if I think I'm in the right.  If I think I have a better way of doing something, I speak up.  If I see something I feel is inefficient, something that could be improved upon or something I perceive as an injustice to someone else, I won't back down and can sometimes badger others to see things my way.  I suppose I could be described as kind of a bitch sometimes.

I can also be quite compassionate and understanding of people or situations.  I'm sure the disparity is very confusing to some people.  I feel that I come off as really cold and elusive at times to people in my everyday life, but warm and inviting to strangers.  I'm a very sensitive person and care quite deeply about other people and their feelings.  I just have a really hard time showing that to people who might get close to me.

Where do my feelings come from?  I have been thinking a lot about that lately.  A large part of that could have come from my background growing up in a military family.  We don't have a "family home" or a place that any of us can look to as a part of our past and how we were raised.  Friends came and went like the wind.  Nobody was permanent.  It was all over the place.  I've had people dump me.  I've had people quite close to me die and leave me with a feeling of such deep depression that it doesn't feel worth it to get that close again.  It hurts too much to lose people.

It's so much easier to keep people at a distance.  In my experience, everyone goes away eventually.  Nobody stays permanently.  Don't get close, it hurts too much to care deeply about anyone.  It's sad, but just the way I feel most of the time.  But I do sometimes long for that connection.  I have made those connections with people in recent years, but still keep them at a distance.  Everyone.  Family and friends. I guess I don't really want to let anyone in on the true extent of my feelings because I am afraid they won't care at all...or that they will.  If they do care, then I would feel responsibility for their reaction to my feelings.

I guess the conclusion is that I have to admit that I'm a codependent person.  I rely on others to validate my feelings.  I'm a caretaker and don't value my own feelings above others' feelings.  I don't want to be that way, it's just the way it is, at least right now.  I've known that I am that way since I went to counseling (in theory), but I suppose it takes time for reality to set in and change a lifetime of how you think about yourself and others.

Now I have to work on how to get out of that type of thinking.  What do I do for myself?  How do I learn to take care of myself and not let everyone else's needs trump my own without being "selfish"?  I've always heard that you cannot truly love anyone else until you love yourself.  How do you learn to love yourself after a life of self-doubt and depression?  How do you learn to stand up for yourself?

Part of why this type of self evaluation has happened is analyzing how my marriage has worked in the past and how it might work in the future.  In order to stay in this situation, I need to face myself, my feelings and how my spouse and I interact during this process.  Honesty about my feelings and accepting her feelings will be the key to our new type of marriage and being in a happy place with ourselves and each other.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I am looking forward to the changes that are to come of this.

Social Media and Transitioning Genders

It occurred to me since the beginning of my spouse's transition from male to female how hard this must have been before the internet and social media.  Not just for the person who is transitioning, but for the spouse or significant other of someone going through a transition.

Where in the world would people find information about this subject before the internet?  Where would spouses find support from others going through the same thing?  It would be nearly impossible.  What did people do before the internet?  I'm of the era where I didn't grow up with any internet access.  There just wasn't such a thing until I was pretty much an adult.  (As much as an 18 year old is an adult :) )

I'm so incredibly thankful that there is a network now where people can share information and be a part of social media groups with people from all over the country, or even other parts of the world.  What we spouses are going through is such a unique and lonely feeling sometimes.  As much as friends and family try and understand, there is nothing that compares to sharing these feelings and experiences with others who actually have experienced the same thing.

Yes, our transitioning partners also need their own groups.  There are many more of those out there on the internet than support groups or blogs from the other perspective of a significant other or spouse.  (I'm going to use "spouse" from here on out so I don't have to continue to write Spouse or Significant Other / Partner)

I'm not sure if the lack of support or writing from our perspective as spouses is because we don't reach out with social media, or if there are just so few of us out there that are supportive of our spouses.  Are we that unique?  Are so many of us too afraid to reach out or write about it?  Are there so few of these type of relationships that last?  I'd be very interested to learn more about that.

If it is the case that most spouses are too afraid to communicate about it for fear of being "found out," how can we engange them to talk about their own issues?  Everything that's put out there on the internet is able to be "found out" in some way, right?  How can they feel safe?  If you Facebook someone as a friend, who might question you on who that person is?  If you post on a blog, who can find out?  It's definetly scary.

For me, I was very afraid at first to put anything about my real self out there.  I didn't want anyone to accidentally find out who my spouse was before she was ready to reveal it.  So I made up a fake name and email account, mainly to protect her identity.  That worked for me to feel free enough to speak my mind and only tell specific people what my alternate identity was on social media.  Now, I really don't care so much.  This blog is still fairly anonymous, but those who have accepted me in Facebook groups now have my real identity.

What's my point?  If you are a spouse / partner, or even the person going through a transition, don't be afraid to reach out.  If you aren't comfortable at first putting your own information out there, you can always create an alternate version of yourself that doesn't necessarily identify you to people you might not want to know about you quite yet.  Just reach out.  It could be helpful and you might find support and friends you never would have found otherwise.

Update on progress

I realize that my posts are about me and my feelings, but I think sometimes other people in this type of situation want to hear about my spouse's progress and how we're handling each step.  Out of respect for my spouse, I don't want to try and speak on her behalf on how she feels.  That is her journey, not mine.  I can, however, talk about how I feel about the changes.

The transition is progressing nicely.  It's only been about 8 months since the decision to transition, but she has come a log way.  We're "out" to pretty much everyone, including some people at each of our jobs.  She has spoken to HR about the transition and they are more than willing to accommodate any needs she has and are accepting of the situation.  She has a few co-workers who know as well as supervisors.  Everyone has been tremendously supportive.  Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) started about 6 weeks ago.  For the first month, she was given testosterone blockers, then estrogen was introduced about 2 weeks ago.  She still isn't going to work as "herself" or going in public, but I feel like that will be happening fairly soon.  She would like to do work on the facial hair first.  Once she is comfortable enough, it is recommended that she lives full time as a woman before they will consider surgery.

So, how do I feel?  I feel surprisingly calm right now about everything.  I really believe the work I have been doing on myself and writing has helped me tremendously with coping with the changes.  If I didn't take a hard look at myself and my own issues, I think things would not be going so smoothly.  I haven't gone back to counseling yet, but I will if I feel it's necessary.  I have had a lot of support through friends, family and Facebook groups.  I know not everyone is so lucky and I am extremely grateful for everyone who is there for us.

I feel myself at times getting a bit impatient with her choice not to go full time yet.  I have to remind myself how hard that would be to just jump in and change how everyone sees you all the time.  She could face some real challenges and I do get nervous about her getting her feelings hurt.  I think I also am just anxious for her to start her full-time life as a woman because that means the surgery is that much closer.  I understand that it is a gradual process, but I am just really looking forward to seeing her fully engage with all areas of her life as she was meant to be.  Flip-flopping between identities has to be difficult and confusing.

I thought I would feel more sad, or nervous, or something when she started the HRT.  I was a bit nervous in the beginning that her feelings about me would change, or that she might start resenting me as a reminder of who she was before.  We had a few conversations about that and worked through it.  I'm still waiting for the hormones to cause the wild mood swings us women have to endure, but so far it doesn't appear to have that effect on her.  I'm not sure how long it takes for the emotional part to kick in, but I just keep bracing myself for it.  As long as we keep communicating about it, I'm sure we'll get through that just fine too.

I find myself more and more excited about seeing the changes that are yet to come.  What I see is someone who is becoming more comfortable and confident about herself.  She has seemed much calmer and appears far more content right now.  I find myself more in love and appreciative of my marriage every day.  I know the road ahead isn't going to be all sunshine and roses, but I feel very good about the path we are both on with ourselves, and as a couple.