I spend a lot of time worrying, I always have. My mother told me when I was five years old that I'd have an ulcer by 16, if that tells you anything. Being married to a transgender person evokes a whole lot of worry but has also taught me a lot about myself and that I need to learn how to cope with my anxieties better. How? I'm still figuring that out, I'm sure it will be a life long journey for me.
I wanted to write this before tonight because I want to capture my actual feelings, not what I think I was feeling at the time. We might be coming out to my spouse's family this weekend that he is transgender and really a she. It is the plan, but there is the possibility that it isn't the right time according to my spouse. When is there a right time though? I don't know that there ever really is a right time to share something that is such a huge change in both the person and the relationship. This is not my family and I'm not the one actually transitioning, so I need to try and be sensitive to that and let her take the lead. When it comes time to tell my family, I will most likely take the lead on how and when to tell them.
It feels to me right now like we're about to punch everyone right in the gut without letting them brace themselves. It's actually supposed to be a fun weekend but I feel like it's going to all be spoiled by this and all we will be doing is dealing with emotions all weekend. Ugh, emotions...my favorite thing. :)
I wanted to try an exercise just getting out all the things I'm thinking.
Fears:
I am afraid my spouse's feelings are going to be hurt by poor reactions. I that she will blame herself for causing her family stress, grief, or anger. I am afraid that I will have to watch her be in agony, stressed out and emotional. I am afraid she will become angry and defensive. I am afraid that her family will look at me with pity. I am afraid that I will be emotional and have to let down my carefully constructed walls. I am afraid that I will have to be the strong one while everyone around me will be a wreck. I am afraid for her family and how this is going to impact them emotionally. I am afraid of them rejecting us. I am afraid they will blame themselves.
Hopes:
I hope we are both strong enough to actually go through with telling them. I hope I don't retreat into my emotional cave and not let anything in or out. I hope my spouse will feel better about being herself and being honest about who she is. I hope they will listen and be loving and accepting of her. I hope they believe the things we tell them. I hope we can still have fun with them the way we normally do. I hope this will actually create stronger bonds.
I always try and anticipate every situation so I can be prepared for my reaction to it. That is unrealistic and part of my problem with anxiety. It does no good to visualize every scenario, I won't know how I will react until something happens. I can't sit and worry about the what ifs all the time. That is what keeps me up at night or doesn't let me go back to sleep. Lack of sleep only makes things worse. I get more sensitive to any emotion and much more reactionary. I'm just glad I got at least 6 hours of sleep last night. I can funciton on that. A few nights this week was only 3 or 4 hours and that was just no good at all.
On a positive note, we have told a few more people and still have not had to experience any really negative reactions. I am feeling more and more confident about the relationships we have with our friends. As much as I am worrying about how this weekend is going to go, I am so grateful that we have people we can talk to and who are there for us. There are a few people who have really been so wonderful and I really trust them. That is very difficult for me, to trust others.
I am going to try and focus on the positives as much as possible today. My marriage has never been better. We are communicating more than we ever have about everything, which can be exhausting at times, but is also quite necessary. Our bond has strengthened and as much as I realize that most marriages do not survive after a transition, I know that we will be a part of each others' lives forever. What that will look like in the future is unknown, but I am going to focus on the present and be in the moment.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Friday, January 31, 2014
Finding balance and getting back to being me
At this particular stage, not everyone in my life knows what I am going through but the ones who do have been incredibly supportive. I have been having some struggles within myself simply not knowing how to find my balance. Who am I, where do I fit into this world and what do I need? You know, the little questions. :)
The focus of so much in my life right now has revolved around my spouse and doing whatever I can to be supportive. I find new clothes for her, we talk about what changes are to come in our lives because of the transition and all the feelings for both of us in relation to that. It's not surprising that this has been the focus, of course it is. It's a big change and we want to make sure we're doing all we can in order to be realistic but also support each other and make our marriage a good one.
I find myself with any of my alone time just wanting to learn more about the transgender issue. I spend so much of my time researching, reading blogs, and watching videos. I've been staying up too late and not sleeping enough. I know I need to research things to get a better understanding of what might be happening for us both, but it's consuming most of my "me" time. When I go shopping without her, I find myself looking for things she'll like and what will look good on her.
I also don't ever want to do things without her anymore. I used to go out with friends more. I used to do crafts by myself or with friends more. Now, anything I do outside of the house without her makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I can't help what I feel sometimes. I think the guilt comes from me knowing that my spouse is just sitting at home and if she's dressed, isn't going to go anywhere. She's stuck there until the time when she's finally ready to go out in public and I don't want her to feel lonely.
I ask myself if my obsession with finding out all I can about transgender issues and the shopping thing is bit of an avoidance behavior. Am I avoiding something about myself that I don't want to face? It's easier to focus on someone else's issues than to have to look in the mirror. So, I'm trying to figure out what that thing is.
I was reading another blog today about a wife's anxieties with her spouse not making the commitment to go all the way with the transition and just live somewhere in the middle. That brought some of what I'm fearing to light. When I read her blog, I was thinking to myself that it was really unfair of her spouse to leave her sitting in limbo not knowing what is going to happen. It occurred to me that I might be going so full steam ahead with this because I don't want to be back in that limbo with my spouse. It's uncomfortable not knowing what's going to happen.
I fear how much I love my spouse and how deeply I am connecting with her. I fear that opening up my heart is dangerous because maybe she will change so much that we don't connect anymore. What if she decides she want someone else and leaves? What if I can't handle it and I leave? Oh the "what ifs..." I feel myself shutting down and putting the wall up again. It seems to happen right after having beautifully touching moments or great nights with her, which seems odd to me but probably makes sense.
Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, the uncertainty. If we just hurry up and "get this over with", maybe I'll have the answers I need. Then I will know one way or the other if our marriage is going to survive. Yes, I know...that is ridiculous. People grow and change, marriages change even without dealing with a transgender issue. Surgery, no surgery, what the hormones might do, what our relationship will become, none of that changes the fact that I am in a marriage right now. We are in a good place right now and I need to be in the moment more.
I can't rush this. I can't push too much and as much as I am in this too, the transition is not my struggle. Yes, the changes in our marriage are both of our struggle, but I cannot control my spouse's emotions or decisions on transitioning. I can't put a checklist and timeline on when the transition will be "complete." I can be supportive and be open about myself, but I need to just relax.
Writing about this does help a lot. It helps me see when I am being rational or irrational and what some of the root causes might be behind my behavior or anxiety. It forces me to slow down and really think about things. I can also look back and see things I have overcome and remind myself that I got through other struggles and am strong enough to face the challenges ahead.
I am going to start doing more for myself. I need to find happiness in my passions again. I was asked to put together a cooking class for a group of women who take art classes. I am excited about that. It will be a fairly big project and I can go have fun doing something that I love. Hey, I might even make a few bucks doing it!
My spouse needs time to herself too. She needs time to process everything going on and find her own things that make her happy. I cannot make her go out of the house dressed, that decision is up to her. I've decided to let that go. I have to let go of any guilt I feel for being happy within myself so I can find my balance.
The focus of so much in my life right now has revolved around my spouse and doing whatever I can to be supportive. I find new clothes for her, we talk about what changes are to come in our lives because of the transition and all the feelings for both of us in relation to that. It's not surprising that this has been the focus, of course it is. It's a big change and we want to make sure we're doing all we can in order to be realistic but also support each other and make our marriage a good one.
I find myself with any of my alone time just wanting to learn more about the transgender issue. I spend so much of my time researching, reading blogs, and watching videos. I've been staying up too late and not sleeping enough. I know I need to research things to get a better understanding of what might be happening for us both, but it's consuming most of my "me" time. When I go shopping without her, I find myself looking for things she'll like and what will look good on her.
I also don't ever want to do things without her anymore. I used to go out with friends more. I used to do crafts by myself or with friends more. Now, anything I do outside of the house without her makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I can't help what I feel sometimes. I think the guilt comes from me knowing that my spouse is just sitting at home and if she's dressed, isn't going to go anywhere. She's stuck there until the time when she's finally ready to go out in public and I don't want her to feel lonely.
I ask myself if my obsession with finding out all I can about transgender issues and the shopping thing is bit of an avoidance behavior. Am I avoiding something about myself that I don't want to face? It's easier to focus on someone else's issues than to have to look in the mirror. So, I'm trying to figure out what that thing is.
I was reading another blog today about a wife's anxieties with her spouse not making the commitment to go all the way with the transition and just live somewhere in the middle. That brought some of what I'm fearing to light. When I read her blog, I was thinking to myself that it was really unfair of her spouse to leave her sitting in limbo not knowing what is going to happen. It occurred to me that I might be going so full steam ahead with this because I don't want to be back in that limbo with my spouse. It's uncomfortable not knowing what's going to happen.
I fear how much I love my spouse and how deeply I am connecting with her. I fear that opening up my heart is dangerous because maybe she will change so much that we don't connect anymore. What if she decides she want someone else and leaves? What if I can't handle it and I leave? Oh the "what ifs..." I feel myself shutting down and putting the wall up again. It seems to happen right after having beautifully touching moments or great nights with her, which seems odd to me but probably makes sense.
Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, the uncertainty. If we just hurry up and "get this over with", maybe I'll have the answers I need. Then I will know one way or the other if our marriage is going to survive. Yes, I know...that is ridiculous. People grow and change, marriages change even without dealing with a transgender issue. Surgery, no surgery, what the hormones might do, what our relationship will become, none of that changes the fact that I am in a marriage right now. We are in a good place right now and I need to be in the moment more.
I can't rush this. I can't push too much and as much as I am in this too, the transition is not my struggle. Yes, the changes in our marriage are both of our struggle, but I cannot control my spouse's emotions or decisions on transitioning. I can't put a checklist and timeline on when the transition will be "complete." I can be supportive and be open about myself, but I need to just relax.
Writing about this does help a lot. It helps me see when I am being rational or irrational and what some of the root causes might be behind my behavior or anxiety. It forces me to slow down and really think about things. I can also look back and see things I have overcome and remind myself that I got through other struggles and am strong enough to face the challenges ahead.
I am going to start doing more for myself. I need to find happiness in my passions again. I was asked to put together a cooking class for a group of women who take art classes. I am excited about that. It will be a fairly big project and I can go have fun doing something that I love. Hey, I might even make a few bucks doing it!
My spouse needs time to herself too. She needs time to process everything going on and find her own things that make her happy. I cannot make her go out of the house dressed, that decision is up to her. I've decided to let that go. I have to let go of any guilt I feel for being happy within myself so I can find my balance.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Connections
Something I've been thinking a lot about is connections to other people. I always saw myself as kind of a loner. I never really felt like I truly fit in, even though I got along with pretty much everyone. I haven't had a lot of connections in my life where I trusted other people enough to share my feelings on such a deep level. Lately, however, with "coming out" to more people, I have begun to realize that the connections I have made are quite important. I've also started making new connections with people due to this amazing thing called the internet.
Can you imagine what something like the transitioning process for a transgender person or a couple dealing with transgender issues would be like before the internet? What are the odds that other people would be able to relate to what you are going through before that? It must have been really lonely. How would you do research? How would you know what other people in your situation feel like? It would be difficult and much harder to do anonymously.
I have been talking to some really great people through my connections I've made simply by searching on the internet. I was really afraid at first to even research the subject on the internet of couples dealing with trans issues because I didn't want to see the bad news. Couples who broke up because of it, finding out what the transitioning person really feels like, maybe things I didn't want to think about. When I did finally give in though, I eventually found great support and people who could relate to what was happening in my life. Sure, I did find the bad things too, but everyone has different situations and perspectives. I didn't feel so alone because I found other people in the world who felt like I do. I didn't feel so weird for being someone who could accept the situation and embrace changes to come. I gathered the strength to actually email some people, comment on some blogs, and found that there were people out there who I've never met that I feel a connection with who I could be honest with about my feelings.
In a way, I think it was almost easier to talk to the people I met over the internet than people I have known for years when talking about this issue. I don't have to censor myself, I don't have to consider past relationships or behaviors or how what I say might affect a relationship with someone I have in everyday life. Is that any less of an important connection though, if you don't know someone face to face? Yes, I have the luxury of thinking out anything you are going to write to someone over the internet, but I also have the freedom of not having any preconceived notions of who I am or what I may have been in the past. I think we sometimes get stuck in patterns with our relations with people we've known for years where we act a certain way or censor things we might say because of history. I need to know that we all grow over time so sometimes the actions or reactions I expect might not be what I think they will be.
Another realization I have had is about the connections I have had all along that I never knew were so strong. (It's been in front of you all along Dorothy) Maybe I did know it, but had trust issues and had expectations of being disappointed by people. In going through this journey, I have found that the people I have chosen to surround myself with are people I can trust with my emotions. I go back to a quote, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." It's the truth. I am prepared that some people will have difficulty dealing with our situation and am prepared that I may lose connections in the process. I was less prepared for how little it really mattered to the people who truly care about us. I have realized now that the people who truly care about me and my spouse are there for us no matter what comes our way.
I am so grateful for the people I have connected with. They may not always understand my views or what I am going through, but they will be there for me and my spouse no matter what. They ask questions, they probe for further understanding, but the ultimate question is if we are happy. That is the true question. That is the test of a true friend, if they just want for your happiness.
What's my point? I just wanted to acknowledge the importance of finding connection, whether they are new ones or recognizing what you have had all along. I also want to thank the people who have been there for me and have been helping me on my journey. I could not have gotten to a better place within myself without such tremendous people to help inspire me or just be there to listen. I'm feeling like less of a loner and stronger just being myself.
Can you imagine what something like the transitioning process for a transgender person or a couple dealing with transgender issues would be like before the internet? What are the odds that other people would be able to relate to what you are going through before that? It must have been really lonely. How would you do research? How would you know what other people in your situation feel like? It would be difficult and much harder to do anonymously.
I have been talking to some really great people through my connections I've made simply by searching on the internet. I was really afraid at first to even research the subject on the internet of couples dealing with trans issues because I didn't want to see the bad news. Couples who broke up because of it, finding out what the transitioning person really feels like, maybe things I didn't want to think about. When I did finally give in though, I eventually found great support and people who could relate to what was happening in my life. Sure, I did find the bad things too, but everyone has different situations and perspectives. I didn't feel so alone because I found other people in the world who felt like I do. I didn't feel so weird for being someone who could accept the situation and embrace changes to come. I gathered the strength to actually email some people, comment on some blogs, and found that there were people out there who I've never met that I feel a connection with who I could be honest with about my feelings.
In a way, I think it was almost easier to talk to the people I met over the internet than people I have known for years when talking about this issue. I don't have to censor myself, I don't have to consider past relationships or behaviors or how what I say might affect a relationship with someone I have in everyday life. Is that any less of an important connection though, if you don't know someone face to face? Yes, I have the luxury of thinking out anything you are going to write to someone over the internet, but I also have the freedom of not having any preconceived notions of who I am or what I may have been in the past. I think we sometimes get stuck in patterns with our relations with people we've known for years where we act a certain way or censor things we might say because of history. I need to know that we all grow over time so sometimes the actions or reactions I expect might not be what I think they will be.
Another realization I have had is about the connections I have had all along that I never knew were so strong. (It's been in front of you all along Dorothy) Maybe I did know it, but had trust issues and had expectations of being disappointed by people. In going through this journey, I have found that the people I have chosen to surround myself with are people I can trust with my emotions. I go back to a quote, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." It's the truth. I am prepared that some people will have difficulty dealing with our situation and am prepared that I may lose connections in the process. I was less prepared for how little it really mattered to the people who truly care about us. I have realized now that the people who truly care about me and my spouse are there for us no matter what comes our way.
I am so grateful for the people I have connected with. They may not always understand my views or what I am going through, but they will be there for me and my spouse no matter what. They ask questions, they probe for further understanding, but the ultimate question is if we are happy. That is the true question. That is the test of a true friend, if they just want for your happiness.
What's my point? I just wanted to acknowledge the importance of finding connection, whether they are new ones or recognizing what you have had all along. I also want to thank the people who have been there for me and have been helping me on my journey. I could not have gotten to a better place within myself without such tremendous people to help inspire me or just be there to listen. I'm feeling like less of a loner and stronger just being myself.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Acceptance
Right now I have this strange sense of calmness and acceptance of my situation. My spouse has spent more time around me as "her," maybe even more than "him" lately. I have to say, I have gotten to a point not where I am truly more comfortable with her. She is much calmer and more comfortable and, most importantly, happy.
In the beginning of us exploring the idea of transition, I didn't think I needed to grieve a loss of a husband like I had read about other people doing. At one point last week, it finally came rushing out of me. Like a lot of the emotions I have had, I wasn't expecting it. I started thinking about it though and once hormones begin, things will start changing. I do love the person I married, but do hormones change that person? What if the new person doesn't act the same? I know how to love my husband and I know the ways he shows that he loves me. Will it be the same with her? Will it be better? It's weird because I know I'm not losing the person I married, but things are going to be different.
She began therapy last week, so things could really start progressing quickly. The day before therapy is when I finally had my moment of grief for losing my husband. The therapy went well and this week will be the second session. At least we have someone local who she can go see. Some people have to travel quite far for treatment. I'm hoping today there will be more of a plan of action. The first session was more of a beginning consultation, just the basics.
I'm anxious to see when the hormones can begin. I know that will begin the true transformation. I'm not sure exactly how soon the effects are felt, but I know significant changes can be seen in just a few months. I'm not looking forward to mood swings and what I know hormones can do, but looking forward to her feeling complete as a person. I do hope the hormones will provide that sense for her.
We've told a few more people now. I can't believe how supportive some people can be. I have amazing friends. :) The ones who know I was pretty sure were going to be great about it and I was right. We've talked about telling some more family members, but I know that is not going to be easy. Some will probably handle it okay, but I suspect that there will be some that won't be able to deal with it very well. I can tell myself all I want that I am prepared for it, but I won't know until the time comes.
I know I will be going through a lot more in the coming months, but right now I feel like I have really come to the point of acceptance. I am excited for the changes to come and am ready to help her through the next phases.
In the beginning of us exploring the idea of transition, I didn't think I needed to grieve a loss of a husband like I had read about other people doing. At one point last week, it finally came rushing out of me. Like a lot of the emotions I have had, I wasn't expecting it. I started thinking about it though and once hormones begin, things will start changing. I do love the person I married, but do hormones change that person? What if the new person doesn't act the same? I know how to love my husband and I know the ways he shows that he loves me. Will it be the same with her? Will it be better? It's weird because I know I'm not losing the person I married, but things are going to be different.
She began therapy last week, so things could really start progressing quickly. The day before therapy is when I finally had my moment of grief for losing my husband. The therapy went well and this week will be the second session. At least we have someone local who she can go see. Some people have to travel quite far for treatment. I'm hoping today there will be more of a plan of action. The first session was more of a beginning consultation, just the basics.
I'm anxious to see when the hormones can begin. I know that will begin the true transformation. I'm not sure exactly how soon the effects are felt, but I know significant changes can be seen in just a few months. I'm not looking forward to mood swings and what I know hormones can do, but looking forward to her feeling complete as a person. I do hope the hormones will provide that sense for her.
We've told a few more people now. I can't believe how supportive some people can be. I have amazing friends. :) The ones who know I was pretty sure were going to be great about it and I was right. We've talked about telling some more family members, but I know that is not going to be easy. Some will probably handle it okay, but I suspect that there will be some that won't be able to deal with it very well. I can tell myself all I want that I am prepared for it, but I won't know until the time comes.
I know I will be going through a lot more in the coming months, but right now I feel like I have really come to the point of acceptance. I am excited for the changes to come and am ready to help her through the next phases.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
New Year, New Beginnings
Thirteen years ago at midnight tonight was my first kiss with the person who became the love of my life and my spouse. It was such a sweet moment and I knew it was the beginning of something really special.
I'm feeling really emotional today, but in a good way. I think I'm just overwhelmed with thinking about the new beginnings to come and exploring this new chapter in my life. It's going to be an emotional year, that I am sure of. I'm starting to be okay with feeling the emotions though. It's getting easier to deal with the anxieties and I'm feeling much more secure with my relationship. I'm going to try to accept that I can feel happy and not just wait anxiously to see what will cause the happiness to end. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.
I'm looking forward to the day when we are finally "out". It's not that I want to announce it to the world, but I do want to not have to hide it. I also want to share it with the people closest to me so they can understand me and my marriage better. I know it will be uncomfortable for some, and maybe even unacceptable to others, but that's okay. I know I will find support, but most importantly I will be living an honest life.
Something I keep going back to in my mind is a documentary I watched many years ago. It was an interview of Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers. It's a really long documentary, something like 6 hours, but it was inspirational to me. I still don't think I've watched the whole thing. His voice is so soothing, I end up falling asleep. :) One part in particular resonated with me and has helped me when I feel like I'm not being true to myself. Here is a bit of it:
― Joseph Campbell
I'm feeling really emotional today, but in a good way. I think I'm just overwhelmed with thinking about the new beginnings to come and exploring this new chapter in my life. It's going to be an emotional year, that I am sure of. I'm starting to be okay with feeling the emotions though. It's getting easier to deal with the anxieties and I'm feeling much more secure with my relationship. I'm going to try to accept that I can feel happy and not just wait anxiously to see what will cause the happiness to end. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.
I'm looking forward to the day when we are finally "out". It's not that I want to announce it to the world, but I do want to not have to hide it. I also want to share it with the people closest to me so they can understand me and my marriage better. I know it will be uncomfortable for some, and maybe even unacceptable to others, but that's okay. I know I will find support, but most importantly I will be living an honest life.
Something I keep going back to in my mind is a documentary I watched many years ago. It was an interview of Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers. It's a really long documentary, something like 6 hours, but it was inspirational to me. I still don't think I've watched the whole thing. His voice is so soothing, I end up falling asleep. :) One part in particular resonated with me and has helped me when I feel like I'm not being true to myself. Here is a bit of it:
If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.
That struck me as so beautiful. It seems pretty appropriate to the transgender issue, but it is true for all of us. My goal for the New Year is to keep this in mind. I need to encourage my spouse to keep following her bliss and allow myself to follow mine. I'm hopeful that what each of us needs will lead us to having an ever deepening bond while becoming the people each of us are meant to be.
Happy New Year!!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)