I realize that my posts are about me and my feelings, but I think sometimes other people in this type of situation want to hear about my spouse's progress and how we're handling each step. Out of respect for my spouse, I don't want to try and speak on her behalf on how she feels. That is her journey, not mine. I can, however, talk about how I feel about the changes.
The transition is progressing nicely. It's only been about 8 months since the decision to transition, but she has come a log way. We're "out" to pretty much everyone, including some people at each of our jobs. She has spoken to HR about the transition and they are more than willing to accommodate any needs she has and are accepting of the situation. She has a few co-workers who know as well as supervisors. Everyone has been tremendously supportive. Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) started about 6 weeks ago. For the first month, she was given testosterone blockers, then estrogen was introduced about 2 weeks ago. She still isn't going to work as "herself" or going in public, but I feel like that will be happening fairly soon. She would like to do work on the facial hair first. Once she is comfortable enough, it is recommended that she lives full time as a woman before they will consider surgery.
So, how do I feel? I feel surprisingly calm right now about everything. I really believe the work I have been doing on myself and writing has helped me tremendously with coping with the changes. If I didn't take a hard look at myself and my own issues, I think things would not be going so smoothly. I haven't gone back to counseling yet, but I will if I feel it's necessary. I have had a lot of support through friends, family and Facebook groups. I know not everyone is so lucky and I am extremely grateful for everyone who is there for us.
I feel myself at times getting a bit impatient with her choice not to go full time yet. I have to remind myself how hard that would be to just jump in and change how everyone sees you all the time. She could face some real challenges and I do get nervous about her getting her feelings hurt. I think I also am just anxious for her to start her full-time life as a woman because that means the surgery is that much closer. I understand that it is a gradual process, but I am just really looking forward to seeing her fully engage with all areas of her life as she was meant to be. Flip-flopping between identities has to be difficult and confusing.
I thought I would feel more sad, or nervous, or something when she started the HRT. I was a bit nervous in the beginning that her feelings about me would change, or that she might start resenting me as a reminder of who she was before. We had a few conversations about that and worked through it. I'm still waiting for the hormones to cause the wild mood swings us women have to endure, but so far it doesn't appear to have that effect on her. I'm not sure how long it takes for the emotional part to kick in, but I just keep bracing myself for it. As long as we keep communicating about it, I'm sure we'll get through that just fine too.
I find myself more and more excited about seeing the changes that are yet to come. What I see is someone who is becoming more comfortable and confident about herself. She has seemed much calmer and appears far more content right now. I find myself more in love and appreciative of my marriage every day. I know the road ahead isn't going to be all sunshine and roses, but I feel very good about the path we are both on with ourselves, and as a couple.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Monday, June 30, 2014
Appreciation of Friends and Family
There have been a few experiences lately that have really given me a deep appreciation of the people around me. I didn't realize how withdrawn I had become in the past few years (okay...many many years) as far as allowing myself to feel connected to people or allowing them to connect to me.
Something about me, or my past experiences maybe, made me mistrust pretty much everyone. It always seemed like every time I finally let someone in and trusted them, it backfired and I got hurt. That, or when I allowed myself to really bond with someone, they left or I had to leave. I just stopped trusting that anything could be real or last in any type of relationship or friendship. I was always just waiting for whatever bad thing would come next. I couldn't just enjoy myself or feel the happiness of having connections with other people. It was always more comfortable to keep people at a distance. There is no risk of getting hurt that way. I really enjoy and am fascinated by people, but didn't want to get close.
My views are changing about what weakness and strength actually is. I thought strength meant being able to handle situations and emotions without the help of others. I'm realizing now, it takes much more strength to let people in and allow others to help you cope with anything you are dealing with. Strength isn't holding everything in, it is allowing your true self to come out. It isn't a weakness to feel fear, doubt, or sadness. The strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not blocking negativity out, but then figure out how to move on and grow from your negative experiences.
I didn't realize how many people I have in my life that I really could count on. If I hadn't had to face the issue of my spouse being a transsexual woman, I don't know that I would have really been able to look that deeply at my own issues and allow others "in" to help support me. This situation has allowed me to be more open and honest with people than I think I have ever been.
I have a newfound appreciation of all the people in my life. I realize how much happier I could be (and am starting to be) if I let myself be vulnerable enough to bond with people. Sure, I might lose them eventually, but the time spent enjoying the company of others far outweighs the sadness that might come with getting close to someone.
I want to thank all of my family and friends for being so wonderfully supportive. You know who you are... :) I know I don't express my gratitude enough, or I might make light of the situation and joke around about my feelings, but I really do appreciate each and every one of you. My old friends and new, immediate family and extended family. I feel such deep gratitude, maybe more than you could ever know. I have found so much strength and happiness because of my incredible support system and can't wait to get to an even better place within myself to fully live my life. It's not a fast process, so I thank you all for being patient with my progress, as well as my spouse's progress. I know that with all of you behind me, I will be okay no matter what happens in my life. I love you all.
And then there is my spouse. I can't describe how much we have bonded and how much she has helped me begin to find myself, even while going through all of the changes she has been facing. I know this is my soulmate because we both only want what is best for each other to find true happiness and peace. I am so greatful that we have each other and we have both come to a point of personal growth as well as supporting each others' growth. I have never felt such a deep love like this and am amazed every day how far we've come and how happy I could be in a relationship.
Life can be wonderful when you start to let go and enjoy the good things that come your way.
Something about me, or my past experiences maybe, made me mistrust pretty much everyone. It always seemed like every time I finally let someone in and trusted them, it backfired and I got hurt. That, or when I allowed myself to really bond with someone, they left or I had to leave. I just stopped trusting that anything could be real or last in any type of relationship or friendship. I was always just waiting for whatever bad thing would come next. I couldn't just enjoy myself or feel the happiness of having connections with other people. It was always more comfortable to keep people at a distance. There is no risk of getting hurt that way. I really enjoy and am fascinated by people, but didn't want to get close.
My views are changing about what weakness and strength actually is. I thought strength meant being able to handle situations and emotions without the help of others. I'm realizing now, it takes much more strength to let people in and allow others to help you cope with anything you are dealing with. Strength isn't holding everything in, it is allowing your true self to come out. It isn't a weakness to feel fear, doubt, or sadness. The strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not blocking negativity out, but then figure out how to move on and grow from your negative experiences.
I didn't realize how many people I have in my life that I really could count on. If I hadn't had to face the issue of my spouse being a transsexual woman, I don't know that I would have really been able to look that deeply at my own issues and allow others "in" to help support me. This situation has allowed me to be more open and honest with people than I think I have ever been.
I have a newfound appreciation of all the people in my life. I realize how much happier I could be (and am starting to be) if I let myself be vulnerable enough to bond with people. Sure, I might lose them eventually, but the time spent enjoying the company of others far outweighs the sadness that might come with getting close to someone.
I want to thank all of my family and friends for being so wonderfully supportive. You know who you are... :) I know I don't express my gratitude enough, or I might make light of the situation and joke around about my feelings, but I really do appreciate each and every one of you. My old friends and new, immediate family and extended family. I feel such deep gratitude, maybe more than you could ever know. I have found so much strength and happiness because of my incredible support system and can't wait to get to an even better place within myself to fully live my life. It's not a fast process, so I thank you all for being patient with my progress, as well as my spouse's progress. I know that with all of you behind me, I will be okay no matter what happens in my life. I love you all.
And then there is my spouse. I can't describe how much we have bonded and how much she has helped me begin to find myself, even while going through all of the changes she has been facing. I know this is my soulmate because we both only want what is best for each other to find true happiness and peace. I am so greatful that we have each other and we have both come to a point of personal growth as well as supporting each others' growth. I have never felt such a deep love like this and am amazed every day how far we've come and how happy I could be in a relationship.
Life can be wonderful when you start to let go and enjoy the good things that come your way.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Change is a comin'
I haven't posted in awhile, but we've been busy...
My spouse saw the doctor a few weeks ago to get her started on hormone replacement therapy. So far, it is just testosterone blockers. It was an anxious but wonderful experience. Anxious for both of us whether or not any type of hormone therapy would actually start or not. Once it was determined that she could begin the hormone therapy, it was a huge relief for both of us.
I feel like I am coping with this very well, but there are some concerns I have. I feel like a person with multiple personalities at times...happy/excited/scared...all at once. I am excited for my spouse to get to feel any changes that might come from getting to experience female hormones. The smoothing of the skin, the lowering of testosterone, the changes that will happen in the body. What a wonderful thing for her to get to feel the way she has always felt!
I am nervous about these changes too. Ugh...female hormone swings. I know those well and I'm not sure how my spouse will deal with the inexplicable feelings. "Why are you crying?" "I don't know!" Those kind of things. Dealing with female hormones is no picnic and I just dread having to deal with someone going through that for the first time and not being able to console them. It's kind of an inconsolable thing. It's so personal for each woman that I don't know how it will feel for her and I'm afraid I will either be too dismissive of it or too sensitive to it that I won't be the type of comfort she needs.
It sounds weird, but I'm looking forward to her having her own girlfriends to vent to in these new times coming up. I was jealous at the thought at first, but now am really looking forward to her having other bonds with women who aren't related to me or friends with me too. She needs her own people to vent to and bond with in the way all of us women do. I genuinely trust her and our relationship and have let go of the notion that I should be the only one she can emotionally bond with. That was difficult. I have never been able to do that before with any other person I have had a romantic relationship with.
The strangest thing for me now is that I feel so calm about everything and really feel like I have come to terms with what our new future will be. I am allowing myself to enjoy the moments, feel the love around me and express myself. I'm feeling hopeful again and more in love every day with my spouse. I'm ready to be engaged in life again, not just "deal" with life as it comes.
My spouse saw the doctor a few weeks ago to get her started on hormone replacement therapy. So far, it is just testosterone blockers. It was an anxious but wonderful experience. Anxious for both of us whether or not any type of hormone therapy would actually start or not. Once it was determined that she could begin the hormone therapy, it was a huge relief for both of us.
I feel like I am coping with this very well, but there are some concerns I have. I feel like a person with multiple personalities at times...happy/excited/scared...all at once. I am excited for my spouse to get to feel any changes that might come from getting to experience female hormones. The smoothing of the skin, the lowering of testosterone, the changes that will happen in the body. What a wonderful thing for her to get to feel the way she has always felt!
I am nervous about these changes too. Ugh...female hormone swings. I know those well and I'm not sure how my spouse will deal with the inexplicable feelings. "Why are you crying?" "I don't know!" Those kind of things. Dealing with female hormones is no picnic and I just dread having to deal with someone going through that for the first time and not being able to console them. It's kind of an inconsolable thing. It's so personal for each woman that I don't know how it will feel for her and I'm afraid I will either be too dismissive of it or too sensitive to it that I won't be the type of comfort she needs.
It sounds weird, but I'm looking forward to her having her own girlfriends to vent to in these new times coming up. I was jealous at the thought at first, but now am really looking forward to her having other bonds with women who aren't related to me or friends with me too. She needs her own people to vent to and bond with in the way all of us women do. I genuinely trust her and our relationship and have let go of the notion that I should be the only one she can emotionally bond with. That was difficult. I have never been able to do that before with any other person I have had a romantic relationship with.
The strangest thing for me now is that I feel so calm about everything and really feel like I have come to terms with what our new future will be. I am allowing myself to enjoy the moments, feel the love around me and express myself. I'm feeling hopeful again and more in love every day with my spouse. I'm ready to be engaged in life again, not just "deal" with life as it comes.
Friday, May 16, 2014
Coping with Anxiety and Changing Behavior
I have come to a point (finally) that I have realized that I want to make a change too. If the person you love is making significant change to be happy, it poses the question that if you don't really think about seriously changing too, where does that leave you or your relationship? Change is such a scary thing, even if it's a healthy change. Maybe especially when it is healthy change. It's easier to numb my anxiety with alcohol, drugs, obsession, food or whatever else works easily and quickly. It's far more difficult to face your fears and feel the feelings that come along with that and just...be okay with those feelings.
My issue has always been feeling ashamed of my anxiety or depression. I felt the need to put up such a front of being in control and being strong that my behaviors didn't reflect to other people who I really am. Maybe I was ashamed of who I am? Why in the world was I ever surprised that other people didn't know the real me? People are not psychic. They honestly don't know what you are feeling unless you tell them. Sometimes we want other people to "just know" what you really mean or what you feel without telling them. Maybe that means it's a sign that they really love you? It's kind of delusional to make that a test of who you can really let into your heart. Maybe that kind of test is just an excuse to never let anyone into your heart so you don't get hurt.
I watch programs like Hoarders or Obsessed and joke with people that it just makes me feel better about my house not being perfectly clean or that at least I'm not as messed up as the people on the shows. In all honesty, those people just have different manifestations of anxiety and maybe it's me looking on others with the same shame I feel about myself and my anxiety and reinforcing that I shouldn't feel that way. Is their behavior really more destructive than mine? Okay...probably yes. It is in most cases, or they wouldn't be filming it in the first place, right? But sometimes their behavior isn't hurting anyone but themselves much more than mine is if I really think about it.
So, what are the roots of my anxiety? I've thought a lot about that and there are things that have contributed over the years, but really I just have always been a "worry-wart" as my family called me. I was teased about it, which is what family does to try to make light of something that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal. I don't remember ever NOT being worried about something as long as I can remember, even as young as maybe 3 or 4 years old. Sure, other things over time like moving a lot as a child or dealing with my parents' divorce or inappropriate sexual relationships all contributed to my having rationalizations for why I am the way I am, but I think I have come to realize now that maybe I either have always had a slight chemical imbalance or that I just never was taught proper coping skills. I didn't want to be viewed as different or that I couldn't be as strong in dealing with situations as other people, so I just pushed those feelings down. I couldn't admit them to anyone.
So, how do I cope? It has changed over the years, but a lot of it for the past 20 years has been some sort of substance abuse. If I altered my state of mind, I could ignore the nagging feelings in the back of my mind. For the past several years, it has been habitual drinking. Not black-out type of drinking or "needing a drink to start my morning" kind of drinking, but getting into the habit of drinking every night to calm my nerves and just relax. When I was younger, I didn't really drink, but did experiment with other drugs and used some of them on a daily basis. I think I switched to drinking not so much that I enjoyed it more, but because it was legal. I didn't have to worry about being caught with alcohol because I was over 21. I don't chance driving drunk (because I would worry too much) so just pretty much stay home. I do have some healthy coping skills like artistic things or writing, but need to work on not just shutting out my feelings or people.
During my counseling sessions years ago, my therapist made the statement that I was self-medicating for anxiety. She prescribed some anxiety medication, but I didn't really like it because it made me really sleepy if I took it during the day and if I took it at night I had probably been drinking and wouldn't mix the two because it is dangerous. The only time it really helped was when I would wake up with the circular thought patterns and couldn't get back to sleep. Then I would take it only if it was still early enough to not be super groggy in the morning. I hated that anxiety too; that I needed to make sure I had enough time to let it work or I might not wake up in time for work. The last time I filled that medication was 2 years ago.
So now I am at a crossroads. I want to quit drinking every day. Maybe not quit drinking completely, but don't want to depend on it anymore. I'm sick of being dependent on anything. Substances, but also food. I've used food in the past as my coping mechanism before I discovered mind-altering substances. I don't want any substance to stop me from just living my life. So where do I go from here? Just learn better coping skills, right? Exercise and eat right! Yes, that certainly is my goal. But in the meantime, I get even more anxiety just thinking about not having something I can turn to for a quick fix. It's giving up a type of security blanket. I know that's not healthy, but it's the truth.
I swallowed my pride and finally admitted to my current doctor that I might need that medication again. He had not ever prescribed that for me. What I liked (and maybe didn't at the same time) was that he warned me about the potential for addiction to that one particular quick-acting medication that I had been on before and that it shouldn't be used all the time. I did express how I don't actually like taking it and that I mainly used it to get back to sleep if my mind was racing. I had used it a few other times during extrememly stressful situations during waking hours, but mainly for sleep purposes. He suggested a low dose medication that is a daily pill and even though I am okay with drinking every day, I wanted to reject that idea that I "need" a pill to be okay. What's the difference? I think it's an admission that maybe my brain just doesn't work correctly or that I just am not strong enough to handle stress. Obviously I can't handle it correctly if I feel the need to drink though, right? Not the want to drink, the need to drink.
So, now what? I am at the point of change. I think I am going to give the medication a try. I want to see how it makes me feel and if I can change my coping skills. Maybe I won't need it forever. Maybe it will give me the relaxation I desire without the limitations that drinking or other drugs have had on me. Maybe if I can get that little bit of clarity I can make healthier choices and learn to cope through positive methods. Hell, I would probably lose a bunch of weight too! Alcohol is super high in calories and that isn't helping anything, even if I am eating better.
I need to trust in myself that I can do this. I have started facing myself and need to let people in on what I've learned. I can't just tell the people I love to read my blog to see how I feel, I have to maybe actually express it sometimes. (Yikes!) That has been so difficult for me in the past. I want to get better. I need to get better. I am really close to being ready, but the first step is a doozy...
My issue has always been feeling ashamed of my anxiety or depression. I felt the need to put up such a front of being in control and being strong that my behaviors didn't reflect to other people who I really am. Maybe I was ashamed of who I am? Why in the world was I ever surprised that other people didn't know the real me? People are not psychic. They honestly don't know what you are feeling unless you tell them. Sometimes we want other people to "just know" what you really mean or what you feel without telling them. Maybe that means it's a sign that they really love you? It's kind of delusional to make that a test of who you can really let into your heart. Maybe that kind of test is just an excuse to never let anyone into your heart so you don't get hurt.
I watch programs like Hoarders or Obsessed and joke with people that it just makes me feel better about my house not being perfectly clean or that at least I'm not as messed up as the people on the shows. In all honesty, those people just have different manifestations of anxiety and maybe it's me looking on others with the same shame I feel about myself and my anxiety and reinforcing that I shouldn't feel that way. Is their behavior really more destructive than mine? Okay...probably yes. It is in most cases, or they wouldn't be filming it in the first place, right? But sometimes their behavior isn't hurting anyone but themselves much more than mine is if I really think about it.
So, what are the roots of my anxiety? I've thought a lot about that and there are things that have contributed over the years, but really I just have always been a "worry-wart" as my family called me. I was teased about it, which is what family does to try to make light of something that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal. I don't remember ever NOT being worried about something as long as I can remember, even as young as maybe 3 or 4 years old. Sure, other things over time like moving a lot as a child or dealing with my parents' divorce or inappropriate sexual relationships all contributed to my having rationalizations for why I am the way I am, but I think I have come to realize now that maybe I either have always had a slight chemical imbalance or that I just never was taught proper coping skills. I didn't want to be viewed as different or that I couldn't be as strong in dealing with situations as other people, so I just pushed those feelings down. I couldn't admit them to anyone.
So, how do I cope? It has changed over the years, but a lot of it for the past 20 years has been some sort of substance abuse. If I altered my state of mind, I could ignore the nagging feelings in the back of my mind. For the past several years, it has been habitual drinking. Not black-out type of drinking or "needing a drink to start my morning" kind of drinking, but getting into the habit of drinking every night to calm my nerves and just relax. When I was younger, I didn't really drink, but did experiment with other drugs and used some of them on a daily basis. I think I switched to drinking not so much that I enjoyed it more, but because it was legal. I didn't have to worry about being caught with alcohol because I was over 21. I don't chance driving drunk (because I would worry too much) so just pretty much stay home. I do have some healthy coping skills like artistic things or writing, but need to work on not just shutting out my feelings or people.
During my counseling sessions years ago, my therapist made the statement that I was self-medicating for anxiety. She prescribed some anxiety medication, but I didn't really like it because it made me really sleepy if I took it during the day and if I took it at night I had probably been drinking and wouldn't mix the two because it is dangerous. The only time it really helped was when I would wake up with the circular thought patterns and couldn't get back to sleep. Then I would take it only if it was still early enough to not be super groggy in the morning. I hated that anxiety too; that I needed to make sure I had enough time to let it work or I might not wake up in time for work. The last time I filled that medication was 2 years ago.
So now I am at a crossroads. I want to quit drinking every day. Maybe not quit drinking completely, but don't want to depend on it anymore. I'm sick of being dependent on anything. Substances, but also food. I've used food in the past as my coping mechanism before I discovered mind-altering substances. I don't want any substance to stop me from just living my life. So where do I go from here? Just learn better coping skills, right? Exercise and eat right! Yes, that certainly is my goal. But in the meantime, I get even more anxiety just thinking about not having something I can turn to for a quick fix. It's giving up a type of security blanket. I know that's not healthy, but it's the truth.
I swallowed my pride and finally admitted to my current doctor that I might need that medication again. He had not ever prescribed that for me. What I liked (and maybe didn't at the same time) was that he warned me about the potential for addiction to that one particular quick-acting medication that I had been on before and that it shouldn't be used all the time. I did express how I don't actually like taking it and that I mainly used it to get back to sleep if my mind was racing. I had used it a few other times during extrememly stressful situations during waking hours, but mainly for sleep purposes. He suggested a low dose medication that is a daily pill and even though I am okay with drinking every day, I wanted to reject that idea that I "need" a pill to be okay. What's the difference? I think it's an admission that maybe my brain just doesn't work correctly or that I just am not strong enough to handle stress. Obviously I can't handle it correctly if I feel the need to drink though, right? Not the want to drink, the need to drink.
So, now what? I am at the point of change. I think I am going to give the medication a try. I want to see how it makes me feel and if I can change my coping skills. Maybe I won't need it forever. Maybe it will give me the relaxation I desire without the limitations that drinking or other drugs have had on me. Maybe if I can get that little bit of clarity I can make healthier choices and learn to cope through positive methods. Hell, I would probably lose a bunch of weight too! Alcohol is super high in calories and that isn't helping anything, even if I am eating better.
I need to trust in myself that I can do this. I have started facing myself and need to let people in on what I've learned. I can't just tell the people I love to read my blog to see how I feel, I have to maybe actually express it sometimes. (Yikes!) That has been so difficult for me in the past. I want to get better. I need to get better. I am really close to being ready, but the first step is a doozy...
Saturday, April 5, 2014
To My Father
For the past few days I have felt some kind of overall sadness that I couldn't put my finger on. It didn't have anything to do with the changes in my life, work, financial stresses or anything else. I have just felt...heaviness in my heart and couldn't explain it.
This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.
I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me. While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different. I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.
My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what. Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay." I always believed him. He was right. There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand. He calmed me when I needed it the most. He was calming, but he also had a fun side.
My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life. When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried. You couldn't help but laugh too. He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well. People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few. That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.
My dad was a goof-ball. He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy. He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly. One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side. Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth. Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)
He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town. The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.
My dad loved music. I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music. He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music. He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies. In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band. He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me. I still don't know how he did that.
I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:
The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.
It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.
Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.
One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.
Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters. Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I love you. I will carry you with me in my heart forever.
Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits. I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.
This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.
I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me. While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different. I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.
My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what. Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay." I always believed him. He was right. There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand. He calmed me when I needed it the most. He was calming, but he also had a fun side.
My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life. When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried. You couldn't help but laugh too. He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well. People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few. That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.
My dad was a goof-ball. He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy. He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly. One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side. Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth. Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)
He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town. The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.
My dad loved music. I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music. He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music. He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies. In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band. He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me. I still don't know how he did that.
I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:
The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.
It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.
Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.
One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.
Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters. Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I love you. I will carry you with me in my heart forever.
Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits. I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)