For the past few days I have felt some kind of overall sadness that I couldn't put my finger on. It didn't have anything to do with the changes in my life, work, financial stresses or anything else. I have just felt...heaviness in my heart and couldn't explain it.
This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.
I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me. While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different. I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.
My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what. Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay." I always believed him. He was right. There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand. He calmed me when I needed it the most. He was calming, but he also had a fun side.
My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life. When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried. You couldn't help but laugh too. He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well. People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few. That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.
My dad was a goof-ball. He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy. He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly. One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side. Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth. Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)
He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town. The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.
My dad loved music. I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music. He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music. He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies. In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band. He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me. I still don't know how he did that.
I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:
The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.
It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.
Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.
One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.
Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters. Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I love you. I will carry you with me in my heart forever.
Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits. I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Friday, March 28, 2014
Getting Comfortable
There have been a lot of things in the past month or so that have been emotionally charged, but have been so wonderful for me and my marriage. I have thought so much about what I love about the person I'm married to and what had slowly gone by the wayside over time that I missed. I missed our long night conversations that we had in the beginning of our relationship. I missed the "new car smell" of discovering someone else. I missed learning about someone else's views on life.
I suppose that's the way most relationships go, losing the newness of it all. I feel like we have that newness back again. It's great, emotional, passionate, but also a bit scary. Why is scary good? I don't really know the answer to that, just that it's not stagnant like most relationships get over time. Comfortable? Predicable? Why might that feel so boring? I guess that the excitement of learning someone else's little idiosyncrasies, secrets or true feelings tend to fade away over time. Why can't I be more comfortable with the predictable? I'm not sure about that either. Is anyone comfortable with that or is it just...numbness?
I feel like we get too set in our ways that we think we always know what our significant others (or anyone close to us) are thinking that we don't stop to consider that people can actually change. We all change over time. Not just in something like what me and my spouse are experiencing, but all of us. People can change their beliefs, their opinions, their thought processes. How do we convince others who have known us for a long period of time that we have grown? That's a difficult thing to accept. We have a pre-conceived notion about who a person is that maybe we sometimes stifle what they are becoming.
I'm actually quite excited to see this new side of my spouse. It feels like a completely new relationship, even though we have been together so long. Things are changing about how we communicate, how we relate to each other and even our compassion for each other. It's hard to let go of past assumptions of feelings sometimes, but we are getting there.
Something has shifted in my mind. I don't think of my spouse as "him" anymore. When I talk about "him," I think "her" now. When I think of the future, I think of us as a lesbian couple. When I'm talking to people, I want to say the female name or use the prounoun "her." I feel badly when I see "him" because I know that isn't the person who is really inside. The male part now has become the costume instead of the female. It's not that I can't handle seeing "him" or that I'm not comfortable, but I just know that it's frustrating for my spouse to live a dual life.
There have been so many significant moments lately where family and friends have become acquainted with her and seem to be more and more comfortable. For me, the hardest thing is to see "him" walk through the door after work, knowing that "he" had to pretend all day not to be who she really is. I am actually excited now for the moment when it becomes full-time, just so the duality ceases to be and we can just be ourselves both as individuals, and as this new couple.
There are so many new things on the horizion to look forward to that I feel a sense of renewal in my life. I don't know where it might go, but I have hope that things will be much better for both of us. I am gaining a new sense of myself, so is she. I sure hope both of us feel after the full transition like we can walk this new path together, but I don't feel so afraid anymore if we had to each walk our own paths. Maybe it's kind of like the saying, "If you love someone, set them free..." and now I feel like we both have the freedom to be ourselves no matter what. At this moment, I feel more in love than ever and so proud of how each of us have grown so far. We are letting each other in to all of our true feelings and trying to let go of the past. Just live in the moment, right? :)
I suppose that's the way most relationships go, losing the newness of it all. I feel like we have that newness back again. It's great, emotional, passionate, but also a bit scary. Why is scary good? I don't really know the answer to that, just that it's not stagnant like most relationships get over time. Comfortable? Predicable? Why might that feel so boring? I guess that the excitement of learning someone else's little idiosyncrasies, secrets or true feelings tend to fade away over time. Why can't I be more comfortable with the predictable? I'm not sure about that either. Is anyone comfortable with that or is it just...numbness?
I feel like we get too set in our ways that we think we always know what our significant others (or anyone close to us) are thinking that we don't stop to consider that people can actually change. We all change over time. Not just in something like what me and my spouse are experiencing, but all of us. People can change their beliefs, their opinions, their thought processes. How do we convince others who have known us for a long period of time that we have grown? That's a difficult thing to accept. We have a pre-conceived notion about who a person is that maybe we sometimes stifle what they are becoming.
I'm actually quite excited to see this new side of my spouse. It feels like a completely new relationship, even though we have been together so long. Things are changing about how we communicate, how we relate to each other and even our compassion for each other. It's hard to let go of past assumptions of feelings sometimes, but we are getting there.
Something has shifted in my mind. I don't think of my spouse as "him" anymore. When I talk about "him," I think "her" now. When I think of the future, I think of us as a lesbian couple. When I'm talking to people, I want to say the female name or use the prounoun "her." I feel badly when I see "him" because I know that isn't the person who is really inside. The male part now has become the costume instead of the female. It's not that I can't handle seeing "him" or that I'm not comfortable, but I just know that it's frustrating for my spouse to live a dual life.
There have been so many significant moments lately where family and friends have become acquainted with her and seem to be more and more comfortable. For me, the hardest thing is to see "him" walk through the door after work, knowing that "he" had to pretend all day not to be who she really is. I am actually excited now for the moment when it becomes full-time, just so the duality ceases to be and we can just be ourselves both as individuals, and as this new couple.
There are so many new things on the horizion to look forward to that I feel a sense of renewal in my life. I don't know where it might go, but I have hope that things will be much better for both of us. I am gaining a new sense of myself, so is she. I sure hope both of us feel after the full transition like we can walk this new path together, but I don't feel so afraid anymore if we had to each walk our own paths. Maybe it's kind of like the saying, "If you love someone, set them free..." and now I feel like we both have the freedom to be ourselves no matter what. At this moment, I feel more in love than ever and so proud of how each of us have grown so far. We are letting each other in to all of our true feelings and trying to let go of the past. Just live in the moment, right? :)
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Letting go
We finally came out to everyone in our lives that matter the most to us. All my immediate family, all her immediate family and close friends. At this point, I don't really care anymore who knows or doesn't know about us. For the most part, everyone has been really supportive even if they are confused or concerned. Still it really is only her mother and one of her sisters who isn't being supportive yet. I am so thankful that I have such an amazing family and that we have friends who are open enough to accept us as we are, no matter what.
It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out. A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders. For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with. There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew. I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that. Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent. That's a wonderful thing. In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier. There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.
I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew. I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive. It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me. I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.
I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago. I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason. Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty. Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.
My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago. It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public. We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw. My sister is an emotional creature and always has been. I was always the cautious and worried one. So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time. Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about. The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly. I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core. ***Spoiler alert for the movie*** The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister. No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second. We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what. I have never trusted any other relationship like that.
I'm starting to trust people again. Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself. Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people. I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown. I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway. I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.
It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out. A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders. For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with. There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew. I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that. Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent. That's a wonderful thing. In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier. There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.
I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew. I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive. It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me. I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.
I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago. I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason. Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty. Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.
My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago. It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public. We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw. My sister is an emotional creature and always has been. I was always the cautious and worried one. So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time. Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about. The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly. I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core. ***Spoiler alert for the movie*** The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister. No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second. We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what. I have never trusted any other relationship like that.
I'm starting to trust people again. Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself. Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people. I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown. I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway. I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
Letting more people in
The past few weeks have been emotionally draining, but also wonderful. Coming out to my spouse's family that my husband is transgendered was good, bad, but also has lead to other things to move the transition forward.
Most of the family was amazingly supportive and I feel such a tremendous relief that no matter what happens with our marriage, she will have family to be there. I guess there was a part of me that felt a bit of a burden that I was the only one who really knew and could be there for my spouse in the emotions of this secret. I am so grateful for the genuine outpouring of love and feel like this is going to create a really strong bond among all of us.
The negative reactions weren't real surprising. Her mother of course, is quite confused and isn't handling it very well. I didn't expect her to be supportive but frankly, don't really care if she's upset. She has never been emotionally supportive of any of her children and maybe it is a good thing that she has to face what kind of person she has been. It's the same thing with one of the sisters. She too has not been emotionally supportive of anyone but herself and she might have to take a look in the mirror.
Today is another day of telling some people who are really important in our lives. As nervous as I am about telling the people who are really close friends of "his", I am also relieved. We won't have to pretend anymore. I am sad for them that they are going to have to face losing one of the people who have been really important in their lives, but hopeful that they might be able to accept the change.
We still have to tell most of my family. It's not that I haven't been ready to do that, but the timing hasn't worked out quite yet. Each one of these talks is incredibly emotional, whether it's positive or negative. It's exposing your emotions to others and that has been draining for both of us. It's also a lot of work because people do want to continue to talk and we haven't been this social in a very long time.
We have made some important steps and she has been so brave. I'm so proud of her that she is becoming the person she has always felt on the inside. We went to a wig shop together, we went out on the town together and she even went to the last therapy session en femme. I am amazed at the amount of courage she has and am so proud to be married to someone with that kind of inner strength. I'm actually finding the strength within myself too. I have found that to be strong, you also need to be vulnerable. Being closed off and putting up emotional barriers isn't the kind of strength I thought it was.
I had an epiphany last night. The feminine side of this person is the one I actually fell in love with in the first place. When we first met, the personality was more like the one I am seeing right now. It didn't really occur to me that over time things had changed with the personality until I started seeing it again. I could never really put my finger on what was changing, but now I see that it was just a gradual withdrawal from each other. I'm so happy that we have started going back to what we were in the beginning of our relationship. Like the Wizard of Oz said...the answer was in front of us all along.
Most of the family was amazingly supportive and I feel such a tremendous relief that no matter what happens with our marriage, she will have family to be there. I guess there was a part of me that felt a bit of a burden that I was the only one who really knew and could be there for my spouse in the emotions of this secret. I am so grateful for the genuine outpouring of love and feel like this is going to create a really strong bond among all of us.
The negative reactions weren't real surprising. Her mother of course, is quite confused and isn't handling it very well. I didn't expect her to be supportive but frankly, don't really care if she's upset. She has never been emotionally supportive of any of her children and maybe it is a good thing that she has to face what kind of person she has been. It's the same thing with one of the sisters. She too has not been emotionally supportive of anyone but herself and she might have to take a look in the mirror.
Today is another day of telling some people who are really important in our lives. As nervous as I am about telling the people who are really close friends of "his", I am also relieved. We won't have to pretend anymore. I am sad for them that they are going to have to face losing one of the people who have been really important in their lives, but hopeful that they might be able to accept the change.
We still have to tell most of my family. It's not that I haven't been ready to do that, but the timing hasn't worked out quite yet. Each one of these talks is incredibly emotional, whether it's positive or negative. It's exposing your emotions to others and that has been draining for both of us. It's also a lot of work because people do want to continue to talk and we haven't been this social in a very long time.
We have made some important steps and she has been so brave. I'm so proud of her that she is becoming the person she has always felt on the inside. We went to a wig shop together, we went out on the town together and she even went to the last therapy session en femme. I am amazed at the amount of courage she has and am so proud to be married to someone with that kind of inner strength. I'm actually finding the strength within myself too. I have found that to be strong, you also need to be vulnerable. Being closed off and putting up emotional barriers isn't the kind of strength I thought it was.
I had an epiphany last night. The feminine side of this person is the one I actually fell in love with in the first place. When we first met, the personality was more like the one I am seeing right now. It didn't really occur to me that over time things had changed with the personality until I started seeing it again. I could never really put my finger on what was changing, but now I see that it was just a gradual withdrawal from each other. I'm so happy that we have started going back to what we were in the beginning of our relationship. Like the Wizard of Oz said...the answer was in front of us all along.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Anxieties and Anticipation of Coming Out to Family
I spend a lot of time worrying, I always have. My mother told me when I was five years old that I'd have an ulcer by 16, if that tells you anything. Being married to a transgender person evokes a whole lot of worry but has also taught me a lot about myself and that I need to learn how to cope with my anxieties better. How? I'm still figuring that out, I'm sure it will be a life long journey for me.
I wanted to write this before tonight because I want to capture my actual feelings, not what I think I was feeling at the time. We might be coming out to my spouse's family this weekend that he is transgender and really a she. It is the plan, but there is the possibility that it isn't the right time according to my spouse. When is there a right time though? I don't know that there ever really is a right time to share something that is such a huge change in both the person and the relationship. This is not my family and I'm not the one actually transitioning, so I need to try and be sensitive to that and let her take the lead. When it comes time to tell my family, I will most likely take the lead on how and when to tell them.
It feels to me right now like we're about to punch everyone right in the gut without letting them brace themselves. It's actually supposed to be a fun weekend but I feel like it's going to all be spoiled by this and all we will be doing is dealing with emotions all weekend. Ugh, emotions...my favorite thing. :)
I wanted to try an exercise just getting out all the things I'm thinking.
Fears:
I am afraid my spouse's feelings are going to be hurt by poor reactions. I that she will blame herself for causing her family stress, grief, or anger. I am afraid that I will have to watch her be in agony, stressed out and emotional. I am afraid she will become angry and defensive. I am afraid that her family will look at me with pity. I am afraid that I will be emotional and have to let down my carefully constructed walls. I am afraid that I will have to be the strong one while everyone around me will be a wreck. I am afraid for her family and how this is going to impact them emotionally. I am afraid of them rejecting us. I am afraid they will blame themselves.
Hopes:
I hope we are both strong enough to actually go through with telling them. I hope I don't retreat into my emotional cave and not let anything in or out. I hope my spouse will feel better about being herself and being honest about who she is. I hope they will listen and be loving and accepting of her. I hope they believe the things we tell them. I hope we can still have fun with them the way we normally do. I hope this will actually create stronger bonds.
I always try and anticipate every situation so I can be prepared for my reaction to it. That is unrealistic and part of my problem with anxiety. It does no good to visualize every scenario, I won't know how I will react until something happens. I can't sit and worry about the what ifs all the time. That is what keeps me up at night or doesn't let me go back to sleep. Lack of sleep only makes things worse. I get more sensitive to any emotion and much more reactionary. I'm just glad I got at least 6 hours of sleep last night. I can funciton on that. A few nights this week was only 3 or 4 hours and that was just no good at all.
On a positive note, we have told a few more people and still have not had to experience any really negative reactions. I am feeling more and more confident about the relationships we have with our friends. As much as I am worrying about how this weekend is going to go, I am so grateful that we have people we can talk to and who are there for us. There are a few people who have really been so wonderful and I really trust them. That is very difficult for me, to trust others.
I am going to try and focus on the positives as much as possible today. My marriage has never been better. We are communicating more than we ever have about everything, which can be exhausting at times, but is also quite necessary. Our bond has strengthened and as much as I realize that most marriages do not survive after a transition, I know that we will be a part of each others' lives forever. What that will look like in the future is unknown, but I am going to focus on the present and be in the moment.
I wanted to write this before tonight because I want to capture my actual feelings, not what I think I was feeling at the time. We might be coming out to my spouse's family this weekend that he is transgender and really a she. It is the plan, but there is the possibility that it isn't the right time according to my spouse. When is there a right time though? I don't know that there ever really is a right time to share something that is such a huge change in both the person and the relationship. This is not my family and I'm not the one actually transitioning, so I need to try and be sensitive to that and let her take the lead. When it comes time to tell my family, I will most likely take the lead on how and when to tell them.
It feels to me right now like we're about to punch everyone right in the gut without letting them brace themselves. It's actually supposed to be a fun weekend but I feel like it's going to all be spoiled by this and all we will be doing is dealing with emotions all weekend. Ugh, emotions...my favorite thing. :)
I wanted to try an exercise just getting out all the things I'm thinking.
Fears:
I am afraid my spouse's feelings are going to be hurt by poor reactions. I that she will blame herself for causing her family stress, grief, or anger. I am afraid that I will have to watch her be in agony, stressed out and emotional. I am afraid she will become angry and defensive. I am afraid that her family will look at me with pity. I am afraid that I will be emotional and have to let down my carefully constructed walls. I am afraid that I will have to be the strong one while everyone around me will be a wreck. I am afraid for her family and how this is going to impact them emotionally. I am afraid of them rejecting us. I am afraid they will blame themselves.
Hopes:
I hope we are both strong enough to actually go through with telling them. I hope I don't retreat into my emotional cave and not let anything in or out. I hope my spouse will feel better about being herself and being honest about who she is. I hope they will listen and be loving and accepting of her. I hope they believe the things we tell them. I hope we can still have fun with them the way we normally do. I hope this will actually create stronger bonds.
I always try and anticipate every situation so I can be prepared for my reaction to it. That is unrealistic and part of my problem with anxiety. It does no good to visualize every scenario, I won't know how I will react until something happens. I can't sit and worry about the what ifs all the time. That is what keeps me up at night or doesn't let me go back to sleep. Lack of sleep only makes things worse. I get more sensitive to any emotion and much more reactionary. I'm just glad I got at least 6 hours of sleep last night. I can funciton on that. A few nights this week was only 3 or 4 hours and that was just no good at all.
On a positive note, we have told a few more people and still have not had to experience any really negative reactions. I am feeling more and more confident about the relationships we have with our friends. As much as I am worrying about how this weekend is going to go, I am so grateful that we have people we can talk to and who are there for us. There are a few people who have really been so wonderful and I really trust them. That is very difficult for me, to trust others.
I am going to try and focus on the positives as much as possible today. My marriage has never been better. We are communicating more than we ever have about everything, which can be exhausting at times, but is also quite necessary. Our bond has strengthened and as much as I realize that most marriages do not survive after a transition, I know that we will be a part of each others' lives forever. What that will look like in the future is unknown, but I am going to focus on the present and be in the moment.
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