Thoughts and Updates

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I've posted anything.  Time flies and we don't... 

So...my marriage is still going strong.  It's pretty much settled back into a regular marriage.  Day to day activities, routine, working and back to what feels like our "normal."  I think we are in some ways stronger than we've ever been because we communicate a lot more than we used to.  Overall, things between my spouse and I are pretty great right now. 

I usually tend to keep this blog purely about my own thoughts and feelings and try not to get political or speak for any transgendered person.  I can't exactly speak for them because I have no true understanding of how it feels to live that life.  I can empathize and sympathize, but that is the best I can do.  I will never understand the internal struggles.  I don't presume to know everything about being transgendered because my spouse is.  I do, however, have a far better education about it than most of the general public, so I'm going to rant a bit...

First of all, I want to say that I'm proud that the transgender (and all spectrums of gender identity and sexuality) issues are being spoken about.  It's important for people to realize that it isn't a fad, it isn't like people are just trying to "be cool" by becoming part of that community.  It is real.  It is a terribly difficult existence for a lot of people, especially before it was publicy discussed.  We should all be able to live authentically and as long as it isn't hurting anyone else, we should all be afforded that right.  

The issue of trans people being unable to use the bathroom of the gender they identify with is one that is particularly upsetting to me.  It feels to me a lot like stepping backwards to when it was legal in our country to have separate bathrooms, fountains or lunch counters for "colored" people.  It's bullshit.  The arguments are not valid ones.  

First, it seems the bathroom issue is mainly targeted at MTF trans people.  The argument I have heard is that people are afraid of letting their children go into a bathroom where someone who was technically born a biological man might be.  I honestly don't understand any of the arguments surrounding this issue.  Women's bathrooms have stalls.  Men's bathrooms do as well, and chances are that most trans men would choose to simply use a stall instead of a urinal.  Children aren't going to see any trans woman or men exposing private parts to them.  If people have a fear of that, they are so grossly uninformed about how trans people feel.  In my experience, they are extremely conscientious and are of just trying to fit in without being noticed and doing everything they can so they don't make others uncomfortable because of their differences.

I feel that what people are afraid of is pedophilia, not transgendered people.  Pedophilia is sick and wrong,  but it has nothing to do with this conversation.  It is terribly offensive to assume there is any correlation between trans peple and criminal acts, especially against children.  Pedophiles can be men or women, and they may target children of either the same sex or opposite sex.  You might as well just not even take your child into public if you are that afraid of your child perhaps crossing paths with a stranger who may or may not be a pedophile.  

As a cis-gendered woman, I honestly don't give a shit about who uses what bathrooms.  Ever.  I wouldn't care if a cis-gendered guy came in and used the women's room.  I've used plenty of men's rooms with no incidents...their lines are usually WAY shorter and when you have to go...you have to go.  Again, there are always bathroom stalls, even in men's rooms.  You always have privacy when you're going to the bathroom in a stall.  If someone is looking under or over the stall...yes, please notify authorities.  Otherwise, just LET PEOPLE GO TO THE BATHROOM.  

I don't know that there is a lot I can do to help the cause, to make a difference with the LGBTQ community, but I sometimes feel like I should be more vocal in some way.  I influence people in my immediate circles and I have written this blog to attempt to give support to both trans people and the ones who love them.  I want people to know that love is love, regardless of gender, sexuality, race, religion, or whatever else may separate us from the herd.  We're all unique and that's okay.  

The trans people I know, have spoken to, or have read about are quite courageous in my opinion.  They have, against all the fears society may have about them, chosen to live their authentic lives.  How many people can honestly say they are committed to being their authentic selves?  How many of us even know what that means?  It's not always easy to know exactly who you are and what your internal "truth" is.  To be brave enough to express yourself no matter the consequences of how society views you is an admirable thing.  

I am a much better person for having my spouse in my life.  I have learned what courage is.  I have learned more about what true love is.  I have a more complete understanding of humanity and that we are all just trying to navigate life in the best way we know how, so compassion and empathy are of the upmost importance.  We can all learn from each other if we only open up and listen.

People who influence your life

I haven't posted to this blog in a very long time, but there really isn't much in the way of my spouse's transition or my own feelings about it to report that hasn't been said before.  It's kind of just going on day to day as a normal life, like any other married couple, right? :)  This in-between stage is just a bit boring to be honest. Do we have some interesting or different issues than other married couples?  Sure, but really it's not all that different once you're settled into the day to day living and everyone in your lives has become accustomed to the situation.  Once surgery is more imminent, I'm sure I will have more to talk about.

I've been reflecting a great deal in the past few months/weeks/days about how various people come in and out of all of our lives.  I wrote this random thought last night: "Everyone who enters your life is like an actor in a play (or movie).  Every character has their part.  Length of time has nothing to do with importance.  Some are a part for a short time and have a huge impact.  Some stay for a long time but have subtle impact that you don't realize until later.  Even if you don't notice the impact of people in the moment, don't fret...if they didn't matter, it doesn't matter.  If it mattered, you will notice when you need to."

What I see in that statement is that everything in life eventually works out.  No matter what the feeling is in a particular moment,  I believe things will work out the way they're supposed to.  The people you need will find you.  That, in turn, makes me think about what we "need."  Do we need to be liked?  Do we need to be loved?  Do we need to be disliked or hated?  Do we need to have people in our lives who have the type of sickening optimism that makes me want to slap them and tell them that they're dulusional?  Do we need people who have an overwhelming negativity that drives us away?  Do we need to be able to accept new people?  Do we need to lose people?  Do we need to be made fun of?  Do we need to make fun of people?  Do we need to feel connected in some way to the human race?

I say yes to all of the above.  Is it all fun?  No, but I do feel that it all helps us grow as people and be able to empathize/sympathize with others in a way that perhaps we never could had we not experienced some particular thing.  That empathy/sympathy takes patience, understanding and above all...listening to not only what people are saying but paying attention to the tone and body language when they say it.  Every person we encounter reveals our own strengths and weaknesses.  How we handle others and their issues tells a lot about what we've learned in our lives, our choices, and our own self-esteem.  

I'm particularly reflective today because tomorrow is the anniversary of my father's death.  I'm incredibly sad and miss him so much, but right now I'm not overwhelmingly devastated like I had been in the past.  His death sent me into the worst depression of my life.  I did survive it though, and am stronger for having lived through that.  I can finally think about the good things, be grateful for the time we had and smile when I remember him.  That took a long time.

I had grown accustomed to losing people in my life growing up in the military.  It was just a part of life.  People come and they go.  Living in a place now where people simply stay forever, it's much tougher on the people I know who never left this area.  I don't blame them, they didn't have to get used to it.  I'm grateful that I had that kind of experience, even though it hurt immensely at the time.

Departures of people don't always mean it's the end of a relationship.  You never know who comes back into your life and for what reasons.  Life is funny that way.  Knowing that fact at an early age, that relationships are not always permanent have had both positive and negative effects on me.  It has made me more cautious to allow people truly into my heart too soon, which can be off-putting to those who haven't gotten to know me.  It has also has allowed me to (for the most part) be able to not cling to people who are moving on without me.  Are there exceptions to that?  Sure, I'm not perfect.  

Sometimes I wish some people could change or fit into my mold of what I need in my life.  That isn't reality.  I've come to learn, and finally starting to actually accept, that the choices people make in their lives don't necessarily reflect how they feel about me.  Just because I wish someone could (or would) change something that hurts me immensely and they choose not to doesn't mean that their choice is a reflection of their feelings about me.  Everyone has their own issues/demons/feelings/beliefs that guide them.  We all hurt or help others with our actions whether that is our intention or not.

I think about it like this...if someone would be devastated, hurt, angry, or sad because I enjoy eating bacon...well, that doesn't mean that I don't care about them if I eat the bacon.  Bacon is delicious, and I don't think I could give that up for anyone.  If that upsets them, that's their problem.  I might not talk to them about eating the bacon, and would ask them to refrain from talking about the issue because it would be upsetting for both of us.  I'm not saying all of our issues are as simple as that...I'm just saying, if someone gives me an ultimatum between them and bacon....bacon will probably win because that person doesn't really understand me at all.  :)

I've had a few friends lately who have had to deal with significant loss and stressful life situations.  I try to first listen to their feelings, but when appropriate I will attempt to impart a bit of wisdom from my life.  What I have gone through, especially with a spouse who is transgendered, has given me more strength and wisdom than I thought possible.

I won't say that having a transgendered spouse is what I imagined in my life or that it is easy.  I would say that it has forced me to face myself, my life, the people who come in and out of my life, and my feelings with a much deeper perspective and understanding that I ever imagined I was capable of.  My spouse has her moments of guilt that maybe she has hurt my life in some way.  I keep telling her that our relationship, her, me, and everyone involved in our lives has benefited from her transition.  It wasn't easy, but what great life-lesson is easy?  

I've learned more from the hardships, hurts, my own mistakes and the mistakes of others than I have from joy.  Joy is easy.  In my opinion, harship molds the strongest and bravest character a person could hope to find.  Joy is what comes in after the hardships to remind you why you put up with the difficulties in life.  It's all about balance.

Right now I am grateful for the balance of life.  I don't enjoy the hardships, but I can finally understand that something difficult that is happening in the moment is a teaching moment that I will most likely benefit from in the future.

Holidays and Reflection

Gosh, it's been a long time since I've posted anything.  I suppose that is a good sign?  I don't feel such anxiety about my spouse and what she is going through.  I got a new job that has changed my whole attitude.  I have been diving deep into self-reflection. Even if it's messy at times learning how to feel things again, it's worth it.

What is it about the holidays that tends to toy with emotions so much?  It is supposed to be a time of year to sit back and reflect on the past year, appreciate loved ones and connect with people in the spirit of appreciation and love.  It can also be a type of funhouse mirror that distorts perception, exaggerates feelings and amplifies disappointments with ourselves and others.  

What struck me this year is that my family has become more and more distant in the past 5 years.  Since my father passed away, it just isn't quite the same at the major holidays.  As a family, we don't make as much effort or know how to be happy in the times we are supposed to feel the greatest bond.  I skipped spending time with my sisters and their families at Thanksgiving and there is no plan at the moment to get together for Christmas.  I am conflicted about this because there is a part of me that is relieved not to have the stress of attempting to "put on a good show" for the sake of the holidays when I'm missing my dad. I also miss my family and hate the fact that I don't feel as comfortable with them as I used to.  

I am not quite sure how to interact with my family at times.  We don't necessarily share our feelings on a deep and honest level.  I tend to avoid conflict and am not very direct about my feelings because I don't want to burden them if they are possibly feeling badly too.  I sense that we all feel disconnected and none of us know how to fix it.  I don't think it's impossible to get back to a place where my family and I can be happy and present with each other in moments where we feel close again, but I don't know that any of us really knows how to start.

On the flip side, my spouse's family seems to be getting to a better place with acceptance of each other.  Not just accepting my spouse, but I feel like each of them have been more open and honest about themselves.  It's been nice to see the slow transformation and openness of their feelings about everything in their lives.

I have been extremely grateful for friends lately.  I go back and forth on how much I communicate with my friends, but every time I connect with them, I'm happy that I did.  The reason I may stop communication at times isn't because of them, still my own reluctance to let anyone in on my feelings.  I'm trying really hard not to isolate, but it's something I'm so used to it can be difficult at times to reach out to anyone.  Friends are the family you choose.  They have been the people I can count on and rely on for support that sometimes family cannot give because of their deep ties to the past.  Friends don't necessarily have the past perceptions family may have.  Friends can sometimes accept the changes a person makes better than family can.

My new job has brought out a lot of confidence in myself.  I finally have some of the validation that I am good at my job, I am appreciated, and I can make a difference.  I knew a lot of that deep down, but so many years of dealing with a boss who has difficulty accepting the knowledge or experience of others, trusting others or trusting themselves really took a toll on me.  The "people-pleaser" in me felt like a failure, even though I did actually feel confident about my abilities.  I'm working on that aspect of myself, needing the validation from others, but it does feel good to be recognized for my accomplishments over the years that have led me to have the knowledge and capabilities I have now.

There is not much new in the way of the transition with my spouse.  She's still living her "full-time" life and becoming more and more accepted by everyone.  We are both very much looking forward to the future and the possiblity of her surgery.  I would love for her to finally get the feeling of being her true, complete self.  I don't necessarily thing the actual surgery will change much between us, but I'm looking forward to finding out how it changes her self-esteem and self-confidence.  All that is standing in our way at the moment is the out-of -pocket costs of the surgery.  Most is covered by insurance, but it is not a cheap surgery, so we still need to save up to make that happen.

We have been working on being in an open relationship.  Right now, it is all on my side...the openness.  I feel a bit guilty about it at times, but also understand that until she has the body she was "supposed" to have, she doesn't feel comfortable exploring her own sexuality.  I have realized that my own sexuality is a part of myself I'm not ashamed of and actually like.  I've gotten to express that part of myself and it has helped me not only deal with my past, but has helped in the communication within our marriage about each of our needs.  

We've discussed the fact that just because one of us may not be able to provide every single thing the other needs, it doesn't mean we don't love and support one another.  As long as there is honesty about what is happening, it is possible that the marriage can survive.  I know that is very controversial and upsetting to a lot of couples.  That's okay, everyone needs to do what is right for them and I am not saying this is the right decision for every couple.  That is up to each couple.  The reality of our situation, however, doesn't allow me to get everything I need and may not provide everything she may need in the future.  What we do know is how much we love each other and what we have in our relationship, so it is our choice.

So, that's where we're at now.  We're pretty close to the new year and even if there are still some questions, room for self-improvement, or areas we need to work on as a couple, I feel pretty fantastic about the upcoming year.  I wish everyone a good reflection of the past year and a positive attitude about what can be accomplished in the new year.

Don't we want the best for our partners?

It's been quite awhile since I have posted anything.  Lots of things happening with me personally, but also things that I've been thinking about coming up for my spouse as well.  Gosh, things have been so confusing at times.

For my spouse, it's coming up on a year of the "full time" status, so surgery is the next step.  I'm so excited for her that she will finally match the body she has always wanted.  There are a few hiccups around that area though.

Insurance only pays for a portion of surgery, so the remainder is our repsonsibility.  For her, she wants to keep the cost of the surgery, travel, and recovery expenses to a minimum.  I get angry about that.  I do not want her, for any reason, to skimp on any part of surgery.  I want her to have the best possible surgery available.  I want her to have a surgeon who understands what it feels like to have gone through this particular experience.

I understand that she wants to consider our financial situation, the impact of the surgery on what we would owe, etc, but I got very angry with her thinking about trying to keep things cheap because of me or us.  I don't think that is unreasonable.  She would not want me to get anything other than the best treatment if I had some ailment that was impeding my quaility of life, why should I want less for her?  I want to know that the surgery is the best possible service and follow-up care available.  I don't care the cost of it.  I want nothing but the best possible outcome for so many reasons.

What spouse would want anything but the best surgery for the person they are married to?  Why wouldn't I want her to have a surgeon who has experienced the exact surgery, but who also can perform it so wonderfully with great follow-up care?

I'm trying to be open-minded about all possible surgeons, but I have done a ton of research and want the very best for her.  If anyone has suggestions, recommendations, or experiences to share, I would love to hear feedback about where the best possible facility would be to have the surgery done.

On other notes...I have gone through some personal revalations, trials/tribulations, etc.  It's so hard to think about the past and what has been such an impact on your life.  Especially when it comes to sex. It took me a very long time to even say the words that I was a victim of "sexual abuse."  I have spoken about this before.  What tripped me up most recently is my counselor suggesting that I write  letter to "the guy" as myself at the age it happened.  I had written angry letters before as my adult self, but not as the vulnerable young person I was when it happened.

Curiously, I had a very strange reaction to attempting to put myself in the frame of mind when I was at the age I was back then.  I started panicking, got scared, got very dark within myself.  I couldn't write anything.  I drank a lot instead.  I numbed it.  I cried.  I got angry.  I didn't know what to do.  I got aa bit angry with the counselor for even suggesting what she  did, writing the letter.

I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be feeling right now, but it's terribly confusing.  Maybe I'm supposed to be dealing with the past, maybe I'm supposed to be contemplating the future, but either way, it feels so uncomfortable that I'm not sure what to do with these feelings.

How do you get over the past and move on???

My spouse wants me to deal with my past, I want her to deal realistically with her future.  How do we come to good compromises?

Can a Polyamorous Marriage Work?

I haven't posted in quite awhile, there has been a lot going on with self-discovery, thinking about my relationships, thinking about my wants and needs, and just evaluating where I'm at and where I want to be.  Part of that is returning to counseling, part of it is the medication, but I think most of it is the communication I've had with my spouse.  We have decided to become a Polyamorous couple now.  I never thought that was something we could actually consider, but sometimes events occur and are a catalyst for the inevitable. 

Going back to counseling has been a wonderful thing for me.  I thought I had been given the proper tools though books or insight (or perhaps just stubbornness) to figure things out myself without having to go to counseling again.  I was wrong.  I forgot what it was like to have someone who could listen objectively and ask seemingly simple, but very tough questions.  I think we forget sometimes to take a step back and ask the simple questions.  What do YOU want.  How does that make YOU feel.  Why do you think YOU reacted that way?  I had forgotten about myself.  I spoke about it in a previous post, but it came crashing down on me that I had forgotten about myself and my needs.  I was ignoring some pretty serious issues that were causing tension in my marriage and other relationships.

I had felt for a long time that I couldn't, or shouldn't, say anything that might upset my spouse because I thought it might set her back in her progress of finding her true self during her transition.  Maybe it was the right thing to do, maybe not.  What happened was that there were so many feelings bottled up inside me that we became more and more distant with each other.  We pretended things were okay, but we didn't really talk about it.  It began to build resentment and anger on both our parts that things were getting strained, but we continued not talking about it.  If we pretended things were okay, maybe they would become okay again, right?

We had discussed the idea of open marriage on a few occasions, which was uncomfortable for both of us.  I didn't want to need anything from anyone other than her.  She wanted to believe she could give me everything I need, even if I have historically been heterosexual.  The two ideas simply don't mesh.  I have physical needs as a woman. My spouse had started opening up and things in the bedroom were vastly better than before, but it still isn't the same as being with a man.  As much as I have enjoyed our intimacy since the legal name and gender change, I wanted to be lusted after and needed by someone for sexual fulfillment.  I wanted to be wanted.  A situation was presented to me that was the catalyst to a major change in our marriage.   I saw someone look at me with that look of lust.  I responded to the looks and it stirred things in me that I forgot existed.  

I didn't know how to talk to her about my feelings except to just mention that I was being flirted with by someone and that it was flattering.  I saw the look in her eyes that she understood what I meant, but we still didn't really discuss it in depth right away.  At some point, I started feeling the pull of that desire and the feelings I'd been pushing down about my sexual needs and those desires came out in a discussion one night.  We talked about it and she gave in to the idea that I should be able to fulfill something once in awhile on the side.  I was doubtful that it would work, but a little excited at the prospect.  After our discussion where she gave me a "pass" to fulfill something she could no longer give me, she got very quiet the next day.  We discussed it the day after and it got very intense, with discussions that our marriage may not work out after all.  

I was devastated by the thought of my spouse not being willing to "bend the rule" of a traditional marriage...and very angry.  During the transition, I had been forced to think about and accept that my spouse would be changing to the opposite gender, try and reconcile that I am not a lesbian (bi-curious would be a better description) but still love my spouse and I was willing to try working on those issues to make our marriage work.  I was angry that I had done so much thinking about what I could accept from my spouse's gender change, what I would need to sacrifice and what that meant for our marriage...but the first sign of me needing something that made her uncomfortable felt like a deal breaker.  I asked her, "What did you really expect?  I'm not a lesbian.  I like sex with men."  It was a bit volitile because I let things out I hadn't expressed in the year and a half to two years she has been going through the transition process.  

I felt I deserved a piece of my life back too.  I felt I deserved some understanding that something I need might be uncomfortable for her, just as her transition was uncomfortable for me.  It wasn't that I didn't support her, but I just wanted her to think for a moment how this must be making me feel.  Yes, I knew she was confused when we first got together.  She also knew my stance that I will probably always need sex with a man.  I had to consider, from the very beginning of serious talks about transition, every scenario she might go through with her hormonal changes, desires, need to befriend women, possible sexual attractions, my role in supporting her with family and friends, etc.  I was angry she hadn't even considered what my position might be in the situation up to that point, or that if she had, we had never discussed it seriously.  I felt forgotten completely, like everything since the decision to go forward with transition revolved around her.  It wasn't totally her fault, I didn't let my needs be known, but I still wanted her to recognize what I might be going through too.

I thought a lot about what my drive was for being with a man again.  For me, it was about being desired and recapturing a youth I never really had.  I grew up too fast.  I was beholden my whole life to other people, especially when it came to sex and relationships.  That was before I met the person I married.  When I met my spouse, I found someone who fulfilled me in every way a relationship should...except sexually.  I was ashamed of what I wanted and she wasn't as experienced or kinky as I was.  I think I subconsciously chose to be with my spouse because it validated my own shame about what I like in a sexual way.  I didn't want to want the things I did, but the desire was there.

It's very confusing when your first sexual experience is "abusive."  That phrase, "sexual abuse" is still extremely difficult for me to say.  I was willing, I liked it...so it wasn't abusive, right?  I was far too young and the other person was a much older married man who took advantage of a young girl just seeking some kind of connection. It happened over the course of a few weeks, so I became quite confused about the whole situation.  That experience  and subsequent experiences impacted me in a way that might actually help explain my current situation.  It isn't healthy, it is just a fact.  I have completely detached my sexuality from my emotions.  I conditioned myself not to care about sexual acts because the first, and many after that, resulted in a deep shame within myself.  I was capable of breaking my moral standards and I had been used by many men... then discarded.  I had to shut my emotions out of sexual activity out of a sense of protecting myself from further heartbreak and shame about what I'd done. 

I finally realized that the problems my spouse and I had in the bedroom were not just her fault.  We couldn't connect on the same levels.  I couldn't connect emotionally, she couldn't connect physically.  We both had things to learn about ourselves, each other and how we work together as a couple.  I am able to be open to emotionally connecting with other women without me being involved.  She has been able to accept my need to physically connect with a man from time to time.  Neither of those things mean that we feel less for each other.  

Eventualy, I did end up sharing a few experiences with someone else, and it did fufill something I felt I was missing.  I was able to express a part of myself I had been hiding and was ashamed of.  I was able to re-claim something within myself that had plagued me for years.  I didn't have to feel so vulnerable to my sexuality, I could be in control of it and enjoy it without the shame that had haunted me for most of my life.  I could admit that I am a sexual person, and that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me.

The amazing thing is that I think this experience brought us closer together than ever.  It sounds weird, but it opened us both up to talking about things we never talked about before.  What we need, who we really are, where our life might be going.  Hard topics, but it was good for us to communicate in a loving and understanding way about what each of us was experiencing without anger or resentment.  I am excited to hear about her connections with others.  She isn't ready to hear about mine yet, but that's okay.  I have been honest about the few times I have indulged in what I have needed in a physical sense, but respect that she doesn't need to hear any details.  I think there is a part of her that feels more freedom that she can explore relationships with other people too without it being a threat to our marriage.  The key is the open communication.    

The whole situation and decision to become a Polyamorous couple was a very valuable lesson for us both.  My spouse was able to admit that there was a part of her that was angry or felt guilty that she couldn't provide everything I need.  I felt angry or guilty that I was not able to be the only person she was emotionally connected to.  I realized what I was really looking for with having a sexual connection with another person was to be desired by someone who wanted me to reciprocate.  Yes, I understand that there is a component of someone being trans* that inhibits their ability to allow someone to focus on their body, but that can leave a void in the relationship.  Human beings want to feel connection on some level.  Some of us need physical connections, some of us need emotional connections.  Neither is better or worse, more or less valuable to our well-being.  In my mind, to feel truly connected in either sense requires reciprocation.  

We are both very realistic people.  We don't know that a Polyamorous relationship can work forever.  It would be nice, but might not work in the long run.  We are both at a very good point within ourselves and with each other.  It's still a little awkward to discuss that we do have interests in other people, but in a way it's very freeing.  I'm hopeful that we can keep the core relationship of everyday living as it is, but be able to explore other sides of ourselves with other people at the same time.  If either of us found "that person" who fulfills all of our needs and desires and vice-versa, I think we would be happy for one another and we could part on good terms.  The realist in me says that it just isn't possible and being open to loving multiple people might be the best way to live a fulfilling life.  What a wonderful world it could be.

Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

Changing Perspective

So, it's been about a month since the last post.  At that point, I had a realization that I probably needed to do some serious work on me instead of focusing so much on what was going on with my spouse.  Since then, there have been ups, downs and a few sideways emotional changes with me.

I finally admitted some things to both myself and my spouse about how deep I was into the depression again.  It's so hard to see how bad it is when you're in it. It wasn't really until the things I was so focused on being upset or anxious about started getting better.  At that point, I didn't have something else to place the blame on except myself and my depression.

It's extremely hard to explain to people who have never experienced actual clinical-type depression.  Luckily, I found the TED Talks awhile back that helped me express to other people how I felt.  I posted a link to that in a previous blog.  I also had a friend who showed me another blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html which explained it very honestly and clearly.  That blog explained it with the sense of humor I really appreciate.  

It doesn't make logical sense why we (depressed people) feel what we do, that's what is so frustrating about it.  

One of the best things that I learned from both of those sources is that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  It's not exactly being sad, it's a slow regression of emotions really.  The inability to feel anything.  One of the lines from the TED Talks was, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality."  So true.  One definition of vitality is "capacity for survival or for the continuation of a meaningful or purposeful existence."  

I felt like nothing mattered, nothing good or bad meant anything to anyone.  It becomes a sick cycle and my conclusion was that the negative thoughts in my head are just a hinderance to everyone around me.  How could anyone really care about someone who thinks such things?  They couldn't, so everything in life is really just meaningless.

Yikes.  Even writing those thoughts down sucks.  I can't believe I got to a place like again that without realizing it.  

So, I expressed some of the thoughts that go through my head to my spouse who, of course, immediately became alarmed.  At first, I felt stupid for letting the thoughts out.  That's why I don't say anything, because it scares people.  I suppose I really did it on purpose though, even if it wasn't exaclty my intention to force help upon myself.  I guess I knew I needed to get help again.

I agreed to go back on the depression medication.  It felt like a failure of my brain or willpower to be able to just "beat it" with common sense and logic.  But that isn't how it works.  It's a malfunction in my brain's wiring.  I just have to accept that and know that it doesn't make me weak or stupid for not being able to just fix it on my own.  I also made an appointment to meet with a counselor again.  That feels stupid to me too because if I already know what my issues are, why can't I just deal with it on my own?  Counseling really does help though because sometimes you need an outside perspective from a person you aren't personally involved with so you can be really honest with and not fear what you say might hurt them in some way.

The medication experience this time was vastly different than the last few times I tried it.  I was taking the same exact medication, same doses, but reacted quite differently than ever before.  I experienced a panic attack the first day, felt like I didn't exist for a day or two (which is a side effect called de-personalization) and then just couldn't stop crying another day.  It felt like a huge mistake at first and didn't make sense.  Then I realized that since I'm no longer on birth control, my hormones aren't regulated like they were in the past.  It finally evened out for the most part, but I still am tired pretty much all the time and have trouble concentrating.  I think that is another side effect, but hopefully that will pass too.

What did happen though (after 5-6 days of weird side effects) was pretty incredible.  I felt like I woke up from some kind of coma I've been in for months.  I couldn't believe I let that go on for so long.  I had forgotten (or was unable) to feel happiness at all.  I could express happiness for others, but never actually felt it.  What the fuck???  

Something that was a bit of a sore spot with my spouse was her feeling like it was her fault.  It was absolutely not her fault.  Yes, she decided to transition.  Yes, it was the best thing for her and for our marriage.  Yes, it may have triggered something in me that causes me to go into depression, but that isn't her fault.  

Depression can be triggered by major life events, but doesn't mean that it is that person's fault.  It just means that the brain of a person suffering with depression isn't capable of handling emotion like other people, especially in circumstances which really alter your life.  Deaths of loved ones were the past triggers for me.  This was kind of like a death in a way.  Mourning the loss of my husband, which is even stranger when I still have a spouse who is SO much happier than ever before.  We're happier as a couple, but apparently my brain gets stuck in depression when I feel deep grief.  

So, back to after the initial side effects of the medication...

I am finally feeling better now and back to what I think is more of my true self.  I can feel silly again.  I can feel happy again.  I can face problems or issues without feeling like everything is SUCH a struggle.  Such small things felt like SO much work.  Now it doesn't seem like such a monumentous task to simply make plans and hang out with friends.  I don't feel like being alone all the time.  I can start caring about things again.  I'm not fully functional or "normal" yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm so thankful for all of those who have been so patient with me through this.  Feeling more aware now of what had been happening, I feel guilty for putting other people through that.  At the same time, I know I would do it for them had the situations been reversed, so I'm trying to just accept that relationships are just that...give and take.  Acceptance and forgiveness.  Being there for each other is what it's all about.  Addressing issues and accepting that people will still love you even if you act crazy, sad, irrational, angry, or whatever might make them uncomfortable is what makes relationships work.  Not just romantic relationships, but all relationships.  

I finally feel more hopeful about the future.  Maybe hopeful isn't even the right word...maybe it is vitality.  Maybe I do have meaning and purpose in this world.  Maybe my experiences will reach others and help them cope with their own issues.  

Maybe we all do deserve to feel happy and are meaningful in this world, no matter how fucked up we might feel in our own mind.

So....What Now?

I asked my spouse just before she received the official documentation designating her as female with her new name about how she would feel once she accomplished that goal.  I basically said, "So now what?"  By that, I meant what would she focus on once the goal was met.

I asked the question mainly out of curiosity.  I enjoy thinking about the human psyche.  What does any person do once they have obtained a goal they have been so focused on for so many years?  What I imagined in my head was that finally getting something which has been a lifelong goal would somehow feel strangely empty.  I'm not sure why exactly I think that.  I suppose I have never had such a strong longing to achieve something, so couldn't imagine what you do after that.

This is a strange point to be at with the transition.  There aren't any other really big milestones to reach besides the actual surgery now.  Surgery can't happen for quite awhile anyhow because of the guidelines about how long she needs to be living "full time" as a woman and saving up for the amount we would need to pay out of pocket for it.  Insurance covers a large portion, but it's not a cheap surgery.  So, now we wait. 

At the time I asked the "Now what?" quesiton, I thought I was simply asking about how she felt about it.  I realize now that I was asking myself the same question.  So much of the past year and a half of my life has been spent thinking about all the implications of how every part of the transition will affect each of us as individuals and how it will impact the relationship.  So much of the focus has been on her that sometimes I forget to think about myself.  More accurately, maybe I don't want to think about myself.

It's hard for me to think about the waiting period until surgery, but it's also more difficult to imagine afterward.  Once there is no other milestone to focus on, how do I set new goals?  How do we figure out new goals as a couple?  It's foreign to me to think about just living a day to day life without some kind of drama, something to worry about, something to be excited about, something to fear...something that keeps me moving forward.    

I have tried to do some small things for myself, like being more creative with my artwork in my spare time or write about my feelings, but I haven't really set any goals for myself or have been able to even think about life after the surgery.  I keep telling myself that I will start working on getting better at healthy coping skills, exercise, spend more time with friends and family, and stop focusing so much on my spouse.  It's really difficult not to focus on her because she is going through so much and having these wonderful realizations and milestones.  It feels really important that I support her during this period and not add my own frustrations, fears or needs into the mix.  Yes, I know that is classic co-dependent behavior...I'm working on it. 

Maybe that is the difference between people who suffer from depression/anxiety and people who don't.  Perhaps those of us who have the combination of depression and anxiety need a reason why we feel the (sometimes) ridiculous things we do.  Without a reason, that means we have to deal with the fact that it isn't necessarily our situation that is causing the feelings.  It's also possible that we choose difficult situations subconsciously to distract us from the chaos in our own minds.  That could be easier than admitting that the irrational thoughts and feelings could be an actual imbalance in the brain.  I'm not sure why it's so hard to admit the brain might simply be mis-wired. 

I have (literally just now) had the realization of what the uncomfortable part of where my spouse's transition is.  Now that she has reached her personal goal, I am going to have to start being accountable for my own feelings.  I can't place any focus or blame on my own feelings toward her.  She's quite happy.  I need to get on board with this "happy" thing or do something about my own issues.  Some of the focus within our marriage might be pointed in my direciton.  Well...shit...

I've said it before, but I do think I was meant to be with my spouse for a reason.  As much as people think I'm "strong" or "brave" or whatever for supporting my spouse, I have learned equally as much about myself by being a part of it.  I need her just as much, if not more, than she needs me for support.  We're lucky to have each other and I hope everyone can find the mutual understanding and love we have for one another.  No matter what happens in the future, I will always cherish everything I have learned from being with her.  Her courage inspires me and gives me hope that maybe I can figure out what my true bliss is too.  

What's in a Name Change?

There have been some really exciting things happening for my spouse and I in the past few months.  It all happened quite quickly, so I haven't had too much time for writing lately.  It's been a whirlwind of paperwork and research, but we are both very happy with what has resulted.

We went to another appointment with the hormone doctor.  That went extremely well.  I always like to go along to show my support and to listen to all the things the doctor is saying.  I know it's always a bit of an intense experience for my spouse just with all the anticipation of what is the next step, making sure all things are in place on the timeline for transition, etc.

I have to say I think my presence and honesty with the doctor has played a big role in how well he understands the true support that my spouse has.  I'm not only focusing on positive or negative...I'm just truthful.  I think expressing only one way or the other would just be deceptive.  He's a wonderful doctor and honestly wants to know how I'm doing with everything.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think the fact that we are both honest with him has had an impact.  I express that yes, I do have some frustrations but that overall this is the best thing that could ever happen for my spouse and has been a wonderful thing for our marriage in the respect that we are both much more open an honest about our feelings...which isn't easy.  Good, absolutely...but not easy.

At the end of the appointment, he asked if we had any other questions.  We mentioned that she wanted to do the official name change, so he asked if she wanted the letter of affirmation.  She said yes, but didn't understand exactly what he was about to give us.  My spouse checked just for spelling, but didn't really read the letter until we had gotten home.  I knew what it meant.  It said she has had appropriate treatment to transition to the female gender.  Only later did it really hit her what it actually said.

That was "the" letter.  "The" letter is important for many reasons.  It's important not only to surgeons who will eventually be performing the GRS (or SRS or whatever it's called now) but it also allows for some legal document changes right now.  So, as it sank in for her what it meant, I began my research.

Every state is different on how they handle name and gender changes, so not all of what we experienced will happen to all of you who want this change, but what I want to emphasize is that you need to do your research.  The clerks and other state employees aren't real familiar with the process, so the more documentation you have ready for them, the better.  From what my spouse said, most of the clerks (really all females in our case) were kind of excited for something different.

The name change itself was not too big a deal.  I mean, yes...a big deal for us, but wasn't much trouble.  The entire process does cost some money, a few hundred bucks all together with all the filing fees, but totally worth it in the end.

In our case, we were able to petition for a "confidential name change."  This has a few implications.  In our state, if you want to change your name, you usually need to publish that in a newspaper for a few weeks in case you are trying to get out of some type of debt, etc. but there is another confidential form you can petition for if you have just cause and you are not trying to ellude some finincial difficulty.  We debated this because we don't really care if anyone knows, but it would publish the name and address.  You never know what stranger might have a problem with who you are and want to commit some crime against you.  That really was our only reason for going that route.  The name change doesn't affect the gender on anything.  It's just the name.  That all went through without a hitch.

In our state, the gender marker on the birth certificate cannot change until after surgery.  Bummer.  Right away, we were a little disappointed because we thought it would impact the driver's license.  I did more research and found out how to approach the other documents and I found out how we could get around that.

Social Security (which is Federal, not state) passed a law in something like 2003 that all you need to do in order to change the gender on your social security card is a letter of affirmation from a medical doctor.  Aha!  We had that!!!  Then came the driver's license.  In our state (and I'm assuming most others) the way they check the identity of someone during a name change at the DMV is if their social security number, name and gender all match.  They use the Social Security records.  So, as long as we changed the social security record first, then the DMV record, it all went through.  What a relief!

Both Social Security and the DMV went through with no problem except perhaps a bit more waiting time than the normal customer.  They just had to verify the documents and laws we presented to them. (I recommend highlighting the areas they need to focus on)

The biggest thing that has been such a worry for my spouse is having to explain the difference between what someone is seeing and the identification presented.  Sure, the birth certificate won't change until after surgery, but who cares?  Who really looks at that anyway?

I just thought I'd share the process we went through in case anyone else was having thoughts and concerns about how to approach it.  My advice is to look up the laws first yourself, print out what you find and highlight anything of importance for the clerks who have to decipher it.  Check with your state Vital Records office on their particular requirements for birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.

Long story short, my spouse now officially has a social security card and driver's license which indicates her new name as well as the appropriate gender.  We could not be more excited!

A New Year, A New Attitude....Self Love and Self Care

Wow, another year gone.  This has been a tough year.  It hasn't been all bad, actually has been quite wonderful overall, just a lot of work.  It's been a lot of work not only for me, but everyone else around me.  We're all trying to learn better ways to relate to each other, become more accepting and to do some deep self-reflection.  The struggles haven't all been about the transition with my spouse, there have been a lot of other issues in my life and the lives of everyone around me.  Friends, family, co-workers...just a year of crazy amounts of change.  I'm trying to recap / sum up some of the most important things I've learned or started to recognize this past year.

First of all, I am so incredibly proud of my spouse for the strides she has made in following her path to becoming who she was meant to be.  She's got an incredible amount of courage to open herself up to the world.  Every day I feel like she's stronger as herself, happier, and more comfortable in the world.  She is beginning to accept herself and gain the confidence that makes her shine even more than she did before.  Most anyone I know has always had a tremendous love and respect for my spouse, but now they express how much better it is when they see the absolute joy in her now that she can be herself more fully.  I feel like we are so much closer now than we have ever been.  We've been able to help each other in our individual journeys, but also our journey as a couple.  

I am personally trying to focus on the lessons I've learned not just from the trials of life, but from the joys too.  I'm beginning to accept that there are people who are right in front me who are willing help me through difficult times.  I've written a lot about it in previous blogs, that trust has always been a huge issue for me. It's scary to trust people.  I've been hurt or let down by a number of people who were supposed to protect me or love me.  I formed my walls and became cynical over the years.  The thing about walls is that what you show to others isn't necessarily reflective of what you really feel, so people get confused about reactions or behaviors.

I have seen how much my lack of trust has hindered me in my life.  Sure, I may have some valid reasons for mistrusting people, but without giving anyone an opportunity to win my trust, it just puts me in a very lonely situation.  How does a person begin to trust again after seeing how shitty some people can be?  Baby steps.  Be vulnerable.  Open up.  I often deflect offers of help, support, or encouragement with my sarcasm, self-deprication or doubt.  That may just be a means to push people away because of my own insecurity.  It may be perceived as a dismission of their love or efforts.  I hate the thought of hurting peoples' feelings, but that might be exactly what I'm doing through my actions.

I am trying to be less reactive to what I view as criticism and try to be a better listener.  It can be difficult to actually sit and listen without starting to form your response in your head before the other person even finishes their thought or comment.  At that point, you have already stopped listening if you're just thinking about what you're going to say next.

What's the worst that would happen if I open up or become vulnerable? People might mock me, they might think I'm crazy, they might think I'm weak, they might talk badly about me to others.  So what?  Those people and situations do exist and it is just a reality I may have to deal with.  If I am secure with myself and my beliefs or actions, I don't (well shouldn't) need validation from anyone else.  If they disagree or are uncomfortable with my views, that is their problem...not mine.  That's not to say I have to be argumentative or angry with them, just agree to disagree, even if they are angry or upset.  Their feelings are their responsibility.  On the flip side, if I become more open, there is actually opportunity for genuine connection with others, happiness, love and knowing that people can still surprise me with their kindness.   I have had a tremendous amount of support from friend, family, and from people I only know through connecting through the internet, blogs, Facebook groups, etc. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me. :)

I've made progress, I've regressed, then made progress again.  The same probably goes for my spouse and my friends and family.  I think that's something I think we all could benefit from being aware of...we may have setbacks.  We may revert to what is comfortable sometimes even if it may not be the best or most healthy choice.  The most important thing I've realized during my setbacks is to try and recognize the root of my choices or behaviors, to forgive myself for not being perfect in moving forward, and to acknowledge (and apologize if necessary) not only to myself, but to the other people it might affect when it happens.  I also feel it may be necessary sometimes that I tell people when I understand that I have taken a step backward.  The first step is admitting when you have a problem, right?  

My belief has always been that the most devastating things in life have taught me the most about how to be strong, strive for more and become a better person.  In this past year, I've seen how much the positive things in life and connections with people teach me just as much.  I need to stop the negative approach and appreciate the happy times while in the moment.  The past is gone, the future doesn't exist...all we have is right now.  I am going to try and enjoy life while I can.  None of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth, so we shouldn't put off following our bliss.  

I am grateful for every single part of the past year.  It hasn't been easy, but I feel like I'm waking up from a deep slumber I've been in for most of my life.  I'm beginning to let go of old ideas, opening up to new ones and look forward to whatever this new year will bring. I am going to try my best to stay focused on moving forward and accepting life as it comes.  Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, every day is an opportunity to create a better and more fulfilling life for ourselves.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!  

Analyzing behavior and making assumptions

I had an emotional day a few months ago where I just didn't know what exactly I was feeling, but needed to get my sadness out.  I needed to cry and grieve and be a little crazy.  I hate doing that around anyone else, even those closest to me.  I feel very ashamed of it for some reason.  When I started feeling those things, I got really upset, anxious and perhaps a bit confrontational when my spouse was trying to help me and was asking what she could do to help.  Obviously, that was confusing to my spouse.  Needless to say, that wasn't a great night for either of us.

Instead of ignoring it the next day like I normally do, I decided to try and take my emotions of guilt about my behavior out of it and ask myself why I reacted the way I did.

At some point in my life I decided I couldn't or shouldn't let people in on what I'm feeling.  I'm still working on what that stems from.  Because I don't express my negative/sad feelings very often, it comes out awkwardly and maybe a bit manic because I don't know how to process the feelings.

I've been trying to think about and analyzing something my counselor had observed about my physical reactions to things that are emotional.  I think focusing on what my body is doing can help me recognize when I need to have a "time out".  When I get super anxious or feel cornered/judged, my verbal reaction can be unreasonable.  I might say things I don't mean just to get the person "causing" my reaction to stop and back off.  That is an effective technique, but not a good one.  I know what buttons to push to create distance.

I am trying to recognize the physical feelings like panic, numbness in my extremities, feeling like actually wanting to run away from the situation or becoming completely mute and disconnecting from the situation.  It's the biological reactions all of us have...fight or flight.

When I start feeling those things now, I'm trying harder to verbalize what my physical feelings are so my spouse understands when I need space to process the feelings so I don't lash out.  Maybe I just need a hug without talking.  Sometimes I need to be prodded to talk so I can let things out.  I don't always know which one it is and if I am feeling cornered too much, I need to be able to say that I just need some time to figure out which it is.

My spouse is wonderful.  As crazy as I can get from time to time, she is always there for me.  That's why I am in love with this person.  That's why I get so scared is because I can't believe someone could actually love me enough to put up with my crazy behavior when I am not in control of my emotions.  I get scared that maybe I won't get better mentally when she is getting better.  Why would someone who gets better want to be with someone who still has issues?  Am I strong enough to overcome my issues too?

I've been reading a lot more blogs from the perspective of the transitioning person and find myself commenting on a lot of them.  I like to be helpful, but it also allows me to analyze what their issues are with their spouse and how I identify with what they are going through.  I have been thinking that their partners might possibly be experiencing some of the issues I have.

I see comments from the side of the transitioning person about how they back off and might even top exploring who they are because their spouse is unhappy, upset, says hurtful things or threatens to leave.  That saddens me because I feel that I have unnecessarily delayed my spouse's happiness by my behavior.   I didn't do it on purpose, it was just my own anxieties causing my poor reactions in the past.

I think the trouble we have in these type of relationships is that neither partner wants to hurt the other and neither one feels they deserve to have their needs met.  It becomes a vicious circle.  My counselor made a statement once that was so simple, but so true.  "People do not know what you want or need unless you tell them."  She repeated that statement to emphasize her point.  There is also a difference between a want and a need.  It's funny how people react differently to the two words.  A want is not always taken seriously, but when you say "I need....xyz...."  people tend to listen with more seriousness.

People are not psychic, neither are we.  We cannot assume how other people feel or how they will react to us when we express our needs.  It all comes down to working on communication.  With proper communication, we all have better understanding of ourselves and each other.

Tips for maintaining a great wig

Hello ladies!  One of the big things for my spouse and I was the cost of wigs.  We wanted her to be able to have a great wig that looked very realistic.  This was especially important when she decided to go "full-time."  For my spouse, the wig is probably going to be a necessity forever as she began transition late in life (45 years old) and the male-pattern baldness in all reality will most likely always be a problem.

We are in the same situation as many of you are, I'm sure.  We don't have a ton of money to spend on these type of supplies.  They are a necessity for sure, but we can't afford to keep buying new wigs when the old ones get frizzy and you keep trimming until they are basically worthless.  Who are we kidding, most of us are not hairdressers, right?  

So, we found a great wig to start with before she decided to go full time.  It was economical, but didn't have a lace-front.  After several months, just before she went full-time, we saved enough to get a great lace-front wig.  It cost us about $ 200.00 (US)  It's synthetic, but looks fabulous.  It's very hard to tell that it isn't her natural hair.  After a month, however, it started having the "frayed" look that the previous wigs had.  This was very discouraging to both of us because we just couldn't afford to keep getting new wigs, and trimming it just messes up the whole look.  I mean, it doesn't grow back, right?  

We were told to never ever apply heat to the wig because it would forever damage it.  I did, however, find a way to recondition the wig at home by being VERY, VERY careful.  I found a website from a woman who has a condition who requires wearing a wig all the time and has the same monetary issue.  She described a way to recondition the wig that actually works to bring it back to the state it was in when we bought it.  Here is her description:  http://jeezlouise.net 

I will describe the technique, but beware that anything you try at home you do at your own risk.  I was petrified to try it, so I tried on one of the older wigs first before I tried it on a good one.  It's surprisingly easy, but there are a few key things you need:  A spray bottle with water (and I add a touch of wig conditioner to the water), A few hair clips, A bristle brush (which you should only use on wigs in this one specific application), a flat iron with a variable temperature.  **** The variable temperature is the key because you want very low heat.  Mine varies between 80 degrees F to about 200 degrees F (I don't know the conversion to Celsius - you're on your own there)  I turn it down to almost the lowest setting to do this, just to be on the safer side.  To prop the wig up, I use a tripod for a camera covered with a hand towel.  I've tried other things, but this seems to give me the best angles to work with. 

You take small sections of the hair and brush it flat, spray it with the water/conditioner mix, then quickly run the flat iron down the section of hair.  After that, run the bristle brush over the section to pull it straight.  *** Again, test this on an old wig first to get the feel for the right temperature and dampness ***  I use hair clips to section off the areas I have already done vs. the areas I still need to do.  

This re-straightens the wig from the little curly ends that get tangled and frizzy and it really looks like brand new.  I have pictures of what I do if anyone needs it, but I'm not going to post it right now.  (I do this blog on my iPad and it doesn't like inserting photos)  If anyone needs further advice or wants me to post pics, I sure will.

I hope that helps some of you out there, that was an issue we dealt with that I didn't hear people talk much about, so I thought I'd share, since I just got done re-conditioning her wig again.  Yes, she does know how to do it herself, but I actually enjoy doing it for her.  It takes me about an hour to get the whole thing done.  It only needs to be done about once every 2 weeks with everyday use.

One of the biggest things to keep the wig from fraying in the first place is to learn how to brush it properly.  Start from the bottom and work your way up.  If you start to feel resistance, stay in the lower area until your brush moves freely through the hair, then work your way up.  If you start at the top and just rip your way down, you end up slightly curling the ends of the wig, which causes the fraying and frizziness in the first place.  

What is my purpose in the trans* community?

I've been thinking a lot about what my purpose in life is.  What purpose do I, in particular, serve to this world?  Then that gets me thinking about what my purpose might be in the trans* community.

I am not a mother, I'm not a teacher in a scholastic sense.  I've never graduated with a degree from a college. (I have attended many times but simply ran out of money to finish.)  My job entails helping people, but in a kind of superficial sense.  Nothing extraordinary or profound.  So...what do I give to the world and should I be doing more?

My spouse and I have talked about this on a number of occasions.  Could part of my/our purpose be the relationship we have with transgender issues?  Could we possibly be advocates or "spokeswomen" about coping with transition from both perspectives?  We are both very empathetic people and also have strong convictions about certain issues.  We both believe in an individual's rights to be who they are, no matter what others think of them, as long as you aren't hurting anyone else.  We both realize that there are people who will never agree with our points of view, but there might be some people who could be enlightened by our experiences if they are open-minded.

I find myself commenting on blogs from trans people (mainly trans women) just trying to help them see that there are people out there who will accept them for who they are.  It breaks my heart to see despair that they will never find someone who could accept them.  We are out there.  I want to let them know that.  I also want to offier their partners someone to talk to and the chance to be a part of a wonderful Facebook group I'm a part of which is private and just for us partners/spouses who are supportive of the transition.  Connecting with the other wives/partners of transitioning people has helped me tremendously in my understanding of my own feelings.  We are respectful of the times we get frustrated and just need to "vent" but also offer helpful advice on different ways to approach communication or simply accept the process.

Have I actually helped anyone?  I don't know, but I feel like I should try.  I find myself staying up far too late, just trying to find someone I can help who is suffering through something we have experienced to let them know they aren't alone.  Why do I obsess about that?  Do my comments make a difference?  You never know.  Sometimes one comment can lift you up or inspire you to keep going.  Maybe it's my own ego wanting to be a part of the community in any way I can or maybe it is a way to try and understand my spouse better.

Where does it go from here?  Do I pursue being an advocate for supporting transgender issues as a non-trans* person?  Would that do any good?  Does anyone really care about my perspective?

I started this blog mainly as therapy for myself.  It has done me a lot of good actually, so I don't regret anything I've written.  It's helped me discover many things about myself and helped me gain confidence in my relationship as well as making me really start looking at who I am deep down.  I make a conscious effort to try and find the silver lining in my situation, especially with my writing.  Does that actually translate to anyone else?

New Beginnings

Tomorrow marks a new day for us.  My spouse will be finally going "full time" in her transition and beginning to go to work and living her life as she has always wanted.  I'm so excited and happy for her.  What a wonderful feeling it must be to finally get to live your life as you've always dreamed.

We had a wonderful night last night.  We had a sort of "birthday" celebration for her and so many people attended!  The people there were the ones so instrumental in supporting us throughout this whole process.  I am forever grateful for every word of support, every question that made me think of something new, every revelation from others that they might share some of either one of our feelings. We are so fortunate to have such a wonderful support system and I love them all.  I cannot thank the people in our lives enough who have helped us along the way.  You all know who you are. :)  

Just thinking that it's only been slightly less than a year since we made the decision to move forward with the transition process is amazing.  So many changes, so many emotions, but so many good things have happened since then.  I feel more in love with my spouse right at this moment than I ever have.  She is becoming who she needs to be and has also encouraged me to put my best efforts forward to be my best self.

Like I've said before, there is so much I have learned about myself through this process that I feel like I have started living up to being the person I was meant to be as well.  I've confronted my own issues and have slowly started to let my walls down and let other people in.  I've confronted the biggest and most shameful personal problem for me...my depression issues.  I've learned that pushing that down and ignoring the problem does nothing to make it better.  Yes, it is still a struggle, but working on it has helped me recognize that there might be hope for it to get better by not bottling up every emotion.

None of us knows for sure what the future holds.  All we can do is work to live every day to the fullest and recognize the people in our lives who help us along the way.  I've learned that although you need to rely on yourself to make things happen, I really don't think any of us can progress as people completely alone.  It's kind of a philosophical thought really...what is the point of existing in this world without others?  Yes, people can be disappointing, they can be mean or hurtful, but they can also be wonderful, inspirational and amazing.  Keep the people around you who inspire you and lift you up.  Let the others go.  You don't need to shun them, but you also don't need to feel obligated to sacrifice your own happiness.  Love yourself.  

Realization and Acceptance of Myself

I was reading a blog from a trans woman, because I like to try and understand their perspective as well in order to better understand what my spouse is going through.  Sometimes I do it to see if I can help in any way by giving my perspective.  I came across a post about depression that gave a link to a TedTalks that so succincly explained how I feel at times that it really impacted me quite deeply.  If you suffer from depression or know someone who does, I highly recommend watching the video.

Here is the link to that video:
http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share

This video resonated with me so much that I have since opened up about my depression.  It's embarrassing and scary to admit that you have thoughts that are completely irrational at times.  Thoughts that can be so debilitating to your personal life that all you can do is try to make them stop. It's a type of negative and circular thinking that you can't explain to people who don't experience it.  It can be completely overwhelming, especially in times of major life changes that are out of your control.  Loss in particular is something that triggers it for me.

Music impacts me so tremendously sometimes that I can't even listen to it.  Correction... I can't deal with "emotional" sounding music or something that I associate with loss if I'm fighting my sadness.  I only can listen to that type of music if I'm ready to cry and give in to the sadness.  Sometimes I need to feel sad.  Sometimes I need to cry in order to let it out, but if that happens around other people, I get very uncomfortable and want to run away or shut down completely.

My whole life I have hidden the dark thoughts from everyone.  I should be able to handle this because I'm intelligent and know logically I just shouldn't feel that way.  It wasn't until this past few months that I was even able to say the words out loud (how depressed I can get) to the people I love.  I have been depressed enough to wish I just wouldn't exist anymore because life can just be too overwhelming and have thoughts that there is no point to any of it.

I have never understood why I can't "snap out of it" or just be happy and look at the positive things in my life.  I can't stop the thoughts, no matter how ridiculous they seem.  That causes extreme anxiety and causes me to start shutting down completely and shutting people out.  I start doing whatever I can to just distract myself and quiet the chaos in my head.  I've been on medication before during transitional or traumatic times, but I've realized it doesn't help unless I am also willing to talk about my feelings.  I finally opened up to some people and talked about those thoughts and feel like a giant weight has been lifted.  They didn't freak out or lock me up, they didn't judge me for it, they just listened.  It feels so good to be really honest with people and stop being afraid that if people knew my weaknesses they would look at me with pity or not want to love me anymore.  Maybe more than that, I felt that people would stop respecting me.  I've actually found that more people identify with it than I realized.

I am making steps to break the cycle.  They're baby steps, but they're steps.  I am taking control and doing things I've been avoiding that really need to be addressed.  My spouse and I are setting some goals to improve our lives.  Together and individually.  We need to get the house cleaned up, better organized and get on a better routine for doing chores.  Cut down on the things that are bad for us like fatty food, drinking, smoking, etc.  Eventually quit smoking.  Get more exercise.  I'm actually feeling hopeful again that I can get better mentally and regain some self-confidence and self-control.  I know things could get dark again, but knowing that I can talk to people about what I'm going through makes it seem more bearable.

What kind of person am I?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of person I am currently and who I wish to be in the future.  Not only that, but who I appear to be to others and how much of who I appear to be is real.  How much of that is an act, or how much of that is...I don't know...reality?

Here is how I see myself:  I am a person who is worried all the time about everyone else and how they think I am living up to their expections.  I believe I'm a smart person, but constantly question myself and whether I'm right or wrong and if others believe in me.  I feel like I am not living up to my full potential.  I don't feel I have ever accomplished anything of worth and have just been fooling myself and everyone else my whole life.  I don't ever think anyone likes me, not really.  I think they just pretend that they do.  I feel like I read people well, but I can't express myself correctly in any situation.  I am too sensitive to allow myself to be open to many people.

Here is how I feel others view me:  I am a very direct, honest and forthright person.  I like to be in control and I can be forceful, especially if I think I'm in the right.  If I think I have a better way of doing something, I speak up.  If I see something I feel is inefficient, something that could be improved upon or something I perceive as an injustice to someone else, I won't back down and can sometimes badger others to see things my way.  I suppose I could be described as kind of a bitch sometimes.

I can also be quite compassionate and understanding of people or situations.  I'm sure the disparity is very confusing to some people.  I feel that I come off as really cold and elusive at times to people in my everyday life, but warm and inviting to strangers.  I'm a very sensitive person and care quite deeply about other people and their feelings.  I just have a really hard time showing that to people who might get close to me.

Where do my feelings come from?  I have been thinking a lot about that lately.  A large part of that could have come from my background growing up in a military family.  We don't have a "family home" or a place that any of us can look to as a part of our past and how we were raised.  Friends came and went like the wind.  Nobody was permanent.  It was all over the place.  I've had people dump me.  I've had people quite close to me die and leave me with a feeling of such deep depression that it doesn't feel worth it to get that close again.  It hurts too much to lose people.

It's so much easier to keep people at a distance.  In my experience, everyone goes away eventually.  Nobody stays permanently.  Don't get close, it hurts too much to care deeply about anyone.  It's sad, but just the way I feel most of the time.  But I do sometimes long for that connection.  I have made those connections with people in recent years, but still keep them at a distance.  Everyone.  Family and friends. I guess I don't really want to let anyone in on the true extent of my feelings because I am afraid they won't care at all...or that they will.  If they do care, then I would feel responsibility for their reaction to my feelings.

I guess the conclusion is that I have to admit that I'm a codependent person.  I rely on others to validate my feelings.  I'm a caretaker and don't value my own feelings above others' feelings.  I don't want to be that way, it's just the way it is, at least right now.  I've known that I am that way since I went to counseling (in theory), but I suppose it takes time for reality to set in and change a lifetime of how you think about yourself and others.

Now I have to work on how to get out of that type of thinking.  What do I do for myself?  How do I learn to take care of myself and not let everyone else's needs trump my own without being "selfish"?  I've always heard that you cannot truly love anyone else until you love yourself.  How do you learn to love yourself after a life of self-doubt and depression?  How do you learn to stand up for yourself?

Part of why this type of self evaluation has happened is analyzing how my marriage has worked in the past and how it might work in the future.  In order to stay in this situation, I need to face myself, my feelings and how my spouse and I interact during this process.  Honesty about my feelings and accepting her feelings will be the key to our new type of marriage and being in a happy place with ourselves and each other.  It's going to be a lot of work, but I am looking forward to the changes that are to come of this.