New Year, New Beginnings

Thirteen years ago at midnight tonight was my first kiss with the person who became the love of my life and my spouse.  It was such a sweet moment and I knew it was the beginning of something really special.

I'm feeling really emotional today, but in a good way.  I think I'm just overwhelmed with thinking about the new beginnings to come and exploring this new chapter in my life.  It's going to be an emotional year, that I am sure of.   I'm starting to be okay with feeling the emotions though.  It's getting easier to deal with the anxieties and I'm feeling much more secure with my relationship.  I'm going to try to accept that I can feel happy and not just wait anxiously to see what will cause the happiness to end.  I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me.

I'm looking forward to the day when we are finally "out".  It's not that I want to announce it to the world, but I do want to not have to hide it.  I also want to share it with the people closest to me so they can understand me and my marriage better.  I know it will be uncomfortable for some, and maybe even unacceptable to others, but that's okay.  I know I will find support, but most importantly I will be living an honest life.

Something I keep going back to in my mind is a documentary I watched many years ago.  It was an interview of Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyers.  It's a really long documentary, something like 6 hours, but it was inspirational to me.  I still don't think I've watched the whole thing.  His voice is so soothing, I end up falling asleep. :) One part in particular resonated with me and has helped me when I feel like I'm not being true to myself.  Here is a bit of it:

If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you.  I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

― Joseph Campbell

That struck me as so beautiful.  It seems pretty appropriate to the transgender issue, but it is true for all of us.  My goal for the New Year is to keep this in mind.  I need to encourage my spouse to keep following her bliss and allow myself to follow mine.  I'm hopeful that what each of us needs will lead us to having an ever deepening bond while becoming the people each of us are meant to be.

Happy New Year!!!

Facebook Group - Support for Spouses of Transgender / Transsexuals

I have been reading a new blog (see the link on the right) called My Husband is a Woman.  I have been emailing the writer of the blog and she has just created a new Facebook support group for spouses.  I am excited about this because there is so little information or support for the spouses of transgender or transsexual people.  It's hard to find other spouses who support the decision of their partner to be their true selves.  We need a place to network, share ideas and feelings about what we are going through.  Not everyone wants to write a blog.  I'm very grateful that she started this group and hope more people want to join.  :)

I don't know how many people read this yet, but if you would like to join, you can email me at  followyourbliss4u@gmail.com and I can send you a link.  It is a private group and people who are not in the group won't be able to view it.  Some of us, myself included, are not public with what is going on yet in our lives.

If you don't want to share your real identity, even on the Facebook page, you can always create an anonymous Facebook account.  You can create an anonymous email account too.  Sometimes I feel a bit cowardly for not sharing who I am, but I am trying to be respectful of my spouse's identity until she comes out and is ready to share.

Confusion about attraction and self-image

Something that occurred to me lately is that I have actually become attracted to my spouse's female persona.  Physically attracted more than I ever thought possible.  I was (and am) really feeling emotionally connected and sexually aroused around her.  It's beginning to be a little confusing for me.

Since she has started coming out around me, things have started opening up between us in ways I never thought would happen.  Now I am beginning to prefer her company, which I think we are both a bit confused by.  I'm sure it has to do with the realization that my spouse if finally starting to be comfortable in her expression and that I love to see her happy.  That being said, there is a part of me that is beginning to be a bit uncomfortable around him.  Maybe it's because I know he's just wishing he could be her all the time.  I don't want to be offensive by preferring "her" to "him", but everything seems so much less tense.  But isn't that what she wants?   I can't imagine what that must be like.  A trans person has enough self-image issues that I don't want to contribute to that by liking the male part less, but where is the balance?  Yes, the person deep inside is the same.  I love this person, who they are in their core, so why does it feel so different?

At first, I was much more uncomfortable around "her".  I wasn't quite sure how to act, whether to try to act like everything was normal and no big deal, whether or not to be sexual, whether or not I could be honest about my conflicting feelings.  We have gotten to a much better place now where we can at least discuss those things and I don't feel like I have to change who I am in order to feel like we can be comfortable together.

So now that I am feeling like I can be myself no matter what, I am feeling more conflicted or confused about my attraction.  The sexual attraction is amazing and wonderful.  We are experiencing such greater connection in that area and I find myself thinking about her all the time in that way.  I'm turned on by her willingness to let go and be expressive in that area.  I'm also turned on by kind of taking control sometimes and expressing my freakier side, which I didn't feel comfortable doing before.  I always knew it was a touchy area for "him."  Does this new attraction mean something different about my sexual orientation?   Am I more attracted to women than I thought or is it just being attracted to the person I fell in love with?

One thing I have been annoyed with and have expressed is how dismissive my spouse can be about my feelings about my own body.  I am going through a lot right now as well and discovering who I am and what my issues are with myself.  In a way, I am going through a transition that is nearly as extreme.  No, I am not trying to compare my physical or emotional state to gender issues, but emotionally I have been probably just as dysfunctional in the past.

If there are any transitioning spouses/partners reading, I am not trying to belittle what you are going through at all.  I can't pretend to know how hard that is.  What I'm saying is that for me, it's hard to be thrust into examining yourself because of what your spouse is going through.  The transition isn't just on your part.  I do think I personally happen to be ready to face that right now, but many other spouses aren't.  It's not easy to face what your own insecurities, fears, and attractions are when it hasn't been something you have been focused on/ conflicted with your whole life, like having the sense of being the wrong gender.  You transitioning partners have probably thought about the "whys" of who you are a lot more than we have.  I have been told that I should, or need, to be the strong one right now.  I can do that sometimes, but there are other times where I feel so completely uncomfortable with my own emotions about myself that I need support.

Guess what, I hate my body too.  Sure, she can be jealous that I was born feeling like I was the right gender or that I have the parts I do, but I still am disgusted with myself.  It makes me angry when that feeling is dismissed because I "should just feel grateful for having female parts."  Sorry, that isn't how it works.  I have body issues, as do most women.  It doesn't help that my spouse wishes she could feel like I do.  Most of the time, I am not comfortable with myself.  I'm too fat, I hate my teeth, I don't feel attractive at all in any way.

I never had to confront who I really was before this.  I have learned (very slowly) some of my own issues and how to express what I am feeling.  The majority of my emotional issues right now have nothing to do with my spouse.  Sure, that was a catalyst, but it forced my own internal reflection about why I am reacting to certain situations in the way I am.  Why do I need to be needed?  Why does it scare me that my spouse is getting better by beginning to be true to herself?  Why do I feel so scared of change but scared of things staying the same?

This is a very pivotal moment in our lives.  What I am trying to do now is not just focus on what is happening with my spouse, but really deal with my emotions as they come.  It's a new thing for me and I'm excited to discover who I am as much as finding new parts of my spouse and my marriage.  I don't want to be afraid anymore of being myself.  I want to be okay with whatever comes my way, good or bad and know that I am strong enough inside to handle it.

Types of Attractions...Did We Choose This?

Reading through various blogs has gotten me thinking about the type of women who are attracted to men who want to, or eventually do, become women.  Is there a common denominator?  Do we seek something we aren't even aware of?  Is there a commonality to us or to our partners/spouses?

One thing that seemed to be a common thread in the posts I've read is that the "men" we have chosen as our spouses probably have similar characteristics. I would describe my spouse as: Thoughtful, understanding, sympathetic, kind, gentle and easy to talk to.  I haven't read anything to the contrary so far for others.  Maybe there are others out there who are different, but I don't see someone who might (or do) transition as being chauvinistic or having typical "male" characteristics.

So, do we spouses/girlfriends of the MTF have things in commen?  It seems maybe we do.  What could some of those things be?

Are we a bit on masculine side?  By that I mean strong, independent, less emotional.  Do we tend to be in control a bit more in the relationship?  Do we allow our significant others to do typical "female" roles like dishes or laundry?  Did we even realize that?  Do we tend to dispute the role of the typical female?

What about sex?  Did we choose someone less sexually charged than past relationships?  Why?  Were we hurt in the past and sick of the typical relationship?  Did we change a past pattern to become more emotionally stable?

I think something we spouses/partners of MTF might experience sometimes is a threat to our own femininity while trying to not be the stereotype of what a "woman" is.  I don't know if that makes sense or not, but it's how I feel sometimes.  I'm not a woman who likes makeup or shopping, I like to have the same rights and opportunities as men do, but I also want to feel feminine sometimes.  It's confusing when all of a sudden your spouse wants to be your wife/girlfriend.  I don't like to be a typical "woman", but I still have the feelings of a woman.

What does that make us in the relationship?  Are we the "men" in the relationship?  Do we now have to be more emotionally detached or take more control?  What if we want to feel sexy and womanly?  Is that a threat or insult our spouses if we do? When I'm told that no matter how sloppily I'm dressed or hair thrown up in a messy bun (without any attempt to look feminine) that my spouse is jealous of what I have, it makes me a bit uncomfortable.  When she is trying so hard to be or feel like I can be anytime I want, it makes me feel guilty that I don't try harder with my feminine side.  At the same time, I don't want to feel uglier than the other girl(s) in the room.  Bitchy, yes, but it's true.  No woman wants to be the ugliest girl in the room. I don't like that competitive feeling I sometimes have with other women, now I'm having it a little bit with my spouse.  When she is getting dressed, I feel like I at least have to make myself somewhat presentable.  Maybe that will change over time.

I'm not trying to portray any of us in one light, I know each of our situations is different.  I am simply fascinated by psychology and human behavior.  Is there something that might have drawn us to our partners and them to us?

I'm more curious than anything on this post.  I would love to hear any comments or thoughts on things we spouses/girlfriends or the transitioning partners might have in common.

Moving Forward...So Many Questions

I feel I have delved into the past and have really come to terms with things I just wasn't dealing with in my life.  At least a little bit.  I recognize that part of what drew me and my spouse to one another is our common feelings about ourselves.  Low self-esteem while seeming self-confident.  Degrees of anxiety and depression, but putting on a brave face.  Helping others more than we help ourselves.  Codependent behaviors.  I am getting better about allowing myself to have my own feelings and accepting them as they come, good or bad.  I'm not holding everything in all the time.  It's still hard to look at myself instead of solely focusing on my spouse and her issues, but I am really making an effort to do that.  It's important to not lose yourself in someone else's problems when you are a codependent type.  It's easier sometimes to focus on the other person and what they are going through rather than facing your own feelings.

Now we're in a little bit of a holding pattern.  It will be awhile before my spouse can go to a therapist to get a diagnosis and makes the decision to either "come out" or not.  It's weird, I guess I don't even consider that possibility anymore, not being honest with the world about who my spouse is.

How could it even be possible to not move forward with this?  Does that happen? If it does, is that even real?  I would think a regression would be more of a denial of the true self than anything.  I'm not saying that the SRS would necessarily have to happen, but I can't see closing off the feminine side now.  My spouse talks about not being sure if this is the right path, but can something so deep that has been there for so long be wrong?  Is it simply fear of change?  Fear of admitting who she really is? Why do I resist the notion that this might not be the path?  Am I afraid that things would go back to the way they were when we were both so closed off emotionally?

I can see how other people who didn't know about their spouses' feelings from the beginning would just want things to go back "to normal" and not have to deal with the consequences of such a drastic change.  In my case, I am actually much happier with the person I am getting to know.  I don't want to go back now.  No matter what the outcome (surgery or not), I like what our relationship has become.  Yes there are new fears now and things are more emotional, but I feel like we're being much more honest with each other and with ourselves.  I was very scared in the beginning of what is actually happening now, but am getting to a true acceptance of what our lives could become.  Sure, it's still scary.  Yes, it's easier to hide emotionally from what is going on inside my head, but if I keep living in that kind of denial, I don't think I will ever be happy no matter who I am with.  I'm beginning to find the inner strength and acceptance of myself so I can let go of the fear of losing someone in my life.  No, I don't want to lose people, but I think it's important to know that no matter what happens, I can be my true self and let my spouse do the same.

Something that was brought up is the subject of telling other people.  When is that appropriate?  Is it wrong to tell people what you're going through, even if there isn't a clear answer on how it will end up?  In my mind, it's more fair to tell people earlier.  It gives them more time to adjust to the thought and maybe helps explain past behaviors like why we might not be as social with other people right now.

One of the fears is, what if we tell people and then things change and she doesn't want to move forward with it?  I am to the point now that I would rather people know so we don't have to hide.  If it doesn't happen, so what?  If it does, so what?  Letting people in on your thoughts doesn't mean that you have to follow a certain path.  You can tell them that the future is unclear.  At least then we could live honestly.  Yes, you risk losing people, being rejected, being ridiculed.  But if that is what happens, maybe those people weren't meant to be in your life forever.  I think we learn something from everyone we have relationships with, but we don't always need to actually keep those relationships.

So many things going through my mind.  I really just want to tell people.  I'm sick of hiding.  I want support for both of us.  I'm wondering what the testosterone blocker or hormones will do.  Is my spouse going to still want to be with me?  Will I still want to stay?  Will we have to move?  Will we lose our jobs?  How much will this cost and can we afford it?  Who will we lose in our lives?  Who will we gain in our lives?

Oh, so many questions yet to be answered.  I'm trying to be patient, but it's a hard place to be right now.  I almost feel like I did before my dad died his slow and painful death.  I can't stand waiting for the inevitable change in my life and not knowing exactly how I will feel at that point.  I just want to know how things are going to turn out.  I know it's going to be really difficult, but waiting for it to happen feels like I'm in slow motion and dwelling in a place within myself that is uncomfortable while watching someone I love more than anything suffer so much.  There's nothing I can do about their suffering and I just have to sit and watch.  Yes, I can be supportive, but their pain is ultimately their own.  Maybe that is what is scaring me the most.  The last time I felt this way, someone I could always count on to make me feel safe and loved was gone forever.  Other relationships with family changed because of that loss.  Change isn't easy to deal with and brings up a lot of emotion.

What I take from that feeling now is that I did survive that loss.  I was a wreck, but I survived.  That loss lead me getting to know myself on a deeper level.  I think this might be along the same lines. No matter what happens, it's something that is helping me understand myself better and helps me see my inner strength and convictions.  It is also helping me connect with my spouse in a much more meaningful way.  This blog is about my feelings, but I have a lot of admiration for the courage it takes to admit something so unconventional to others.  It's a very vulnerable position to be in and I identify with that.