Something that occurred to me lately is that I have actually become attracted to my spouse's female persona. Physically attracted more than I ever thought possible. I was (and am) really feeling emotionally connected and sexually aroused around her. It's beginning to be a little confusing for me.
Since she has started coming out around me, things have started opening up between us in ways I never thought would happen. Now I am beginning to prefer her company, which I think we are both a bit confused by. I'm sure it has to do with the realization that my spouse if finally starting to be comfortable in her expression and that I love to see her happy. That being said, there is a part of me that is beginning to be a bit uncomfortable around him. Maybe it's because I know he's just wishing he could be her all the time. I don't want to be offensive by preferring "her" to "him", but everything seems so much less tense. But isn't that what she wants? I can't imagine what that must be like. A trans person has enough self-image issues that I don't want to contribute to that by liking the male part less, but where is the balance? Yes, the person deep inside is the same. I love this person, who they are in their core, so why does it feel so different?
At first, I was much more uncomfortable around "her". I wasn't quite sure how to act, whether to try to act like everything was normal and no big deal, whether or not to be sexual, whether or not I could be honest about my conflicting feelings. We have gotten to a much better place now where we can at least discuss those things and I don't feel like I have to change who I am in order to feel like we can be comfortable together.
So now that I am feeling like I can be myself no matter what, I am feeling more conflicted or confused about my attraction. The sexual attraction is amazing and wonderful. We are experiencing such greater connection in that area and I find myself thinking about her all the time in that way. I'm turned on by her willingness to let go and be expressive in that area. I'm also turned on by kind of taking control sometimes and expressing my freakier side, which I didn't feel comfortable doing before. I always knew it was a touchy area for "him." Does this new attraction mean something different about my sexual orientation? Am I more attracted to women than I thought or is it just being attracted to the person I fell in love with?
One thing I have been annoyed with and have expressed is how dismissive my spouse can be about my feelings about my own body. I am going through a lot right now as well and discovering who I am and what my issues are with myself. In a way, I am going through a transition that is nearly as extreme. No, I am not trying to compare my physical or emotional state to gender issues, but emotionally I have been probably just as dysfunctional in the past.
If there are any transitioning spouses/partners reading, I am not trying to belittle what you are going through at all. I can't pretend to know how hard that is. What I'm saying is that for me, it's hard to be thrust into examining yourself because of what your spouse is going through. The transition isn't just on your part. I do think I personally happen to be ready to face that right now, but many other spouses aren't. It's not easy to face what your own insecurities, fears, and attractions are when it hasn't been something you have been focused on/ conflicted with your whole life, like having the sense of being the wrong gender. You transitioning partners have probably thought about the "whys" of who you are a lot more than we have. I have been told that I should, or need, to be the strong one right now. I can do that sometimes, but there are other times where I feel so completely uncomfortable with my own emotions about myself that I need support.
Guess what, I hate my body too. Sure, she can be jealous that I was born feeling like I was the right gender or that I have the parts I do, but I still am disgusted with myself. It makes me angry when that feeling is dismissed because I "should just feel grateful for having female parts." Sorry, that isn't how it works. I have body issues, as do most women. It doesn't help that my spouse wishes she could feel like I do. Most of the time, I am not comfortable with myself. I'm too fat, I hate my teeth, I don't feel attractive at all in any way.
I never had to confront who I really was before this. I have learned (very slowly) some of my own issues and how to express what I am feeling. The majority of my emotional issues right now have nothing to do with my spouse. Sure, that was a catalyst, but it forced my own internal reflection about why I am reacting to certain situations in the way I am. Why do I need to be needed? Why does it scare me that my spouse is getting better by beginning to be true to herself? Why do I feel so scared of change but scared of things staying the same?
This is a very pivotal moment in our lives. What I am trying to do now is not just focus on what is happening with my spouse, but really deal with my emotions as they come. It's a new thing for me and I'm excited to discover who I am as much as finding new parts of my spouse and my marriage. I don't want to be afraid anymore of being myself. I want to be okay with whatever comes my way, good or bad and know that I am strong enough inside to handle it.
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