I feel I have delved into the past and have really come to terms with things I just wasn't dealing with in my life. At least a little bit. I recognize that part of what drew me and my spouse to one another is our common feelings about ourselves. Low self-esteem while seeming self-confident. Degrees of anxiety and depression, but putting on a brave face. Helping others more than we help ourselves. Codependent behaviors. I am getting better about allowing myself to have my own feelings and accepting them as they come, good or bad. I'm not holding everything in all the time. It's still hard to look at myself instead of solely focusing on my spouse and her issues, but I am really making an effort to do that. It's important to not lose yourself in someone else's problems when you are a codependent type. It's easier sometimes to focus on the other person and what they are going through rather than facing your own feelings.
Now we're in a little bit of a holding pattern. It will be awhile before my spouse can go to a therapist to get a diagnosis and makes the decision to either "come out" or not. It's weird, I guess I don't even consider that possibility anymore, not being honest with the world about who my spouse is.
How could it even be possible to not move forward with this? Does that happen? If it does, is that even real? I would think a regression would be more of a denial of the true self than anything. I'm not saying that the SRS would necessarily have to happen, but I can't see closing off the feminine side now. My spouse talks about not being sure if this is the right path, but can something so deep that has been there for so long be wrong? Is it simply fear of change? Fear of admitting who she really is? Why do I resist the notion that this might not be the path? Am I afraid that things would go back to the way they were when we were both so closed off emotionally?
I can see how other people who didn't know about their spouses' feelings from the beginning would just want things to go back "to normal" and not have to deal with the consequences of such a drastic change. In my case, I am actually much happier with the person I am getting to know. I don't want to go back now. No matter what the outcome (surgery or not), I like what our relationship has become. Yes there are new fears now and things are more emotional, but I feel like we're being much more honest with each other and with ourselves. I was very scared in the beginning of what is actually happening now, but am getting to a true acceptance of what our lives could become. Sure, it's still scary. Yes, it's easier to hide emotionally from what is going on inside my head, but if I keep living in that kind of denial, I don't think I will ever be happy no matter who I am with. I'm beginning to find the inner strength and acceptance of myself so I can let go of the fear of losing someone in my life. No, I don't want to lose people, but I think it's important to know that no matter what happens, I can be my true self and let my spouse do the same.
Something that was brought up is the subject of telling other people. When is that appropriate? Is it wrong to tell people what you're going through, even if there isn't a clear answer on how it will end up? In my mind, it's more fair to tell people earlier. It gives them more time to adjust to the thought and maybe helps explain past behaviors like why we might not be as social with other people right now.
One of the fears is, what if we tell people and then things change and she doesn't want to move forward with it? I am to the point now that I would rather people know so we don't have to hide. If it doesn't happen, so what? If it does, so what? Letting people in on your thoughts doesn't mean that you have to follow a certain path. You can tell them that the future is unclear. At least then we could live honestly. Yes, you risk losing people, being rejected, being ridiculed. But if that is what happens, maybe those people weren't meant to be in your life forever. I think we learn something from everyone we have relationships with, but we don't always need to actually keep those relationships.
So many things going through my mind. I really just want to tell people. I'm sick of hiding. I want support for both of us. I'm wondering what the testosterone blocker or hormones will do. Is my spouse going to still want to be with me? Will I still want to stay? Will we have to move? Will we lose our jobs? How much will this cost and can we afford it? Who will we lose in our lives? Who will we gain in our lives?
Oh, so many questions yet to be answered. I'm trying to be patient, but it's a hard place to be right now. I almost feel like I did before my dad died his slow and painful death. I can't stand waiting for the inevitable change in my life and not knowing exactly how I will feel at that point. I just want to know how things are going to turn out. I know it's going to be really difficult, but waiting for it to happen feels like I'm in slow motion and dwelling in a place within myself that is uncomfortable while watching someone I love more than anything suffer so much. There's nothing I can do about their suffering and I just have to sit and watch. Yes, I can be supportive, but their pain is ultimately their own. Maybe that is what is scaring me the most. The last time I felt this way, someone I could always count on to make me feel safe and loved was gone forever. Other relationships with family changed because of that loss. Change isn't easy to deal with and brings up a lot of emotion.
What I take from that feeling now is that I did survive that loss. I was a wreck, but I survived. That loss lead me getting to know myself on a deeper level. I think this might be along the same lines. No matter what happens, it's something that is helping me understand myself better and helps me see my inner strength and convictions. It is also helping me connect with my spouse in a much more meaningful way. This blog is about my feelings, but I have a lot of admiration for the courage it takes to admit something so unconventional to others. It's a very vulnerable position to be in and I identify with that.
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