Connections

Something I've been thinking a lot about is connections to other people.  I always saw myself as kind of a loner.  I never really felt like I truly fit in, even though I got along with pretty much everyone.  I haven't had a lot of connections in my life where I trusted other people enough to share my feelings on such a deep level.  Lately, however, with "coming out" to more people, I have begun to realize that the connections I have made are quite important.  I've also started making new connections with people due to this amazing thing called the internet.

Can you imagine what something like the transitioning process for a transgender person or a couple dealing with transgender issues would be like before the internet?  What are the odds that other people would be able to relate to what you are going through before that?  It must have been really lonely.  How would you do research?  How would you know what other people in your situation feel like?  It would be difficult and much harder to do anonymously.

I have been talking to some really great people through my connections I've made simply by searching on the internet.  I was really afraid at first to even research the subject on the internet of couples dealing with trans issues because I didn't want to see the bad news.  Couples who broke up because of it, finding out what the transitioning person really feels like, maybe things I didn't want to think about.  When I did finally give in though, I eventually found great support and people who could relate to what was happening in my life.  Sure, I did find the bad things too, but everyone has different situations and perspectives.  I didn't feel so alone because I found other people in the world who felt like I do.  I didn't feel so weird for being someone who could accept the situation and embrace changes to come.  I gathered the strength to actually email some people, comment on some blogs, and found that there were people out there who I've never met that I feel a connection with who I could be honest with about my feelings.

In a way, I think it was almost easier to talk to the people I met over the internet than people I have known for years when talking about this issue.  I don't have to censor myself, I don't have to consider past relationships or behaviors or how what I say might affect a relationship with someone I have in everyday life.  Is that any less of an important connection though, if you don't know someone face to face?  Yes, I have the luxury of thinking out anything you are going to write to someone over the internet, but I also have the freedom of not having any preconceived notions of who I am or what I may have been in the past.  I think we sometimes get stuck in patterns with our relations with people we've known for years where we act a certain way or censor things we might say because of history.  I need to know that we all grow over time so sometimes the actions or reactions I expect might not be what I think they will be.

Another realization I have had is about the connections I have had all along that I never knew were so strong.  (It's been in front of you all along Dorothy)  Maybe I did know it, but had trust issues and had expectations of being disappointed by people.  In going through this journey, I have found that the people I have chosen to surround myself with are people I can trust with my emotions.  I go back to a quote, "Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."  It's the truth.  I am prepared that some people will have difficulty dealing with our situation and am prepared that I may lose connections in the process.  I was less prepared for how little it really mattered to the people who truly care about us.  I have realized now that the people who truly care about me and my spouse are there for us no matter what comes our way.

I am so grateful for the people I have connected with.  They may not always understand my views or what I am going through, but they will be there for me and my spouse no matter what.  They ask questions, they probe for further understanding, but the ultimate question is if we are happy.  That is the true question.  That is the test of a true friend, if they just want for your happiness.

What's my point?  I just wanted to acknowledge the importance of finding connection, whether they are new ones or recognizing what you have had all along.  I also want to thank the people who have been there for me and have been helping me on my journey.  I could not have gotten to a better place within myself without such tremendous people to help inspire me or just be there to listen.  I'm feeling like less of a loner and stronger just being myself.