Acceptance

Right now I have this strange sense of calmness and acceptance of my situation.  My spouse has spent more time around me as "her," maybe even more than "him" lately.  I have to say, I have gotten to a point not where I am truly more comfortable with her.  She is much calmer and more comfortable  and, most importantly, happy.

In the beginning of us exploring the idea of transition, I didn't think I needed to grieve a loss of a husband like I had read about other people doing.  At one point last week, it finally came rushing out of me.  Like a lot of the emotions I have had, I wasn't expecting it.  I started thinking about it though and once hormones begin, things will start changing.  I do love the person I married, but do hormones change that person?  What if the new person doesn't act the same?  I know how to love my husband and I know the ways he shows that he loves me.  Will it be the same with her?  Will it be better?  It's weird because I know I'm not losing the person I married, but things are going to be different.

She began therapy last week, so things could really start progressing quickly.  The day before therapy is when I finally had my moment of grief for losing my husband.  The therapy went well and this week will be the second session.  At least we have someone local who she can go see.  Some people have to travel quite far for treatment.  I'm hoping today there will be more of a plan of action.  The first session was more of a beginning consultation, just the basics.

I'm anxious to see when the hormones can begin.  I know that will begin the true transformation.  I'm not sure exactly how soon the effects are felt, but I know significant changes can be seen in just a few months.  I'm not looking forward to mood swings and what I know hormones can do, but looking forward to her feeling complete as a person.  I do hope the hormones will provide that sense for her.

We've told a few more people now.  I can't believe how supportive some people can be.  I have amazing friends.  :)  The ones who know I was pretty sure were going to be great about it and I was right.  We've talked about telling some more family members, but I know that is not going to be easy. Some will probably handle it okay, but I suspect that there will be some that won't be able to deal with it very well.  I can tell myself all I want that I am prepared for it, but I won't know until the time comes.

I know I will be going through a lot more in the coming months, but right now I feel like I have really come to the point of acceptance.  I am excited for the changes to come and am ready to help her through the next phases.