At this particular stage, not everyone in my life knows what I am going through but the ones who do have been incredibly supportive. I have been having some struggles within myself simply not knowing how to find my balance. Who am I, where do I fit into this world and what do I need? You know, the little questions. :)
The focus of so much in my life right now has revolved around my spouse and doing whatever I can to be supportive. I find new clothes for her, we talk about what changes are to come in our lives because of the transition and all the feelings for both of us in relation to that. It's not surprising that this has been the focus, of course it is. It's a big change and we want to make sure we're doing all we can in order to be realistic but also support each other and make our marriage a good one.
I find myself with any of my alone time just wanting to learn more about the transgender issue. I spend so much of my time researching, reading blogs, and watching videos. I've been staying up too late and not sleeping enough. I know I need to research things to get a better understanding of what might be happening for us both, but it's consuming most of my "me" time. When I go shopping without her, I find myself looking for things she'll like and what will look good on her.
I also don't ever want to do things without her anymore. I used to go out with friends more. I used to do crafts by myself or with friends more. Now, anything I do outside of the house without her makes me feel guilty. I know I shouldn't feel guilty about it, but I can't help what I feel sometimes. I think the guilt comes from me knowing that my spouse is just sitting at home and if she's dressed, isn't going to go anywhere. She's stuck there until the time when she's finally ready to go out in public and I don't want her to feel lonely.
I ask myself if my obsession with finding out all I can about transgender issues and the shopping thing is bit of an avoidance behavior. Am I avoiding something about myself that I don't want to face? It's easier to focus on someone else's issues than to have to look in the mirror. So, I'm trying to figure out what that thing is.
I was reading another blog today about a wife's anxieties with her spouse not making the commitment to go all the way with the transition and just live somewhere in the middle. That brought some of what I'm fearing to light. When I read her blog, I was thinking to myself that it was really unfair of her spouse to leave her sitting in limbo not knowing what is going to happen. It occurred to me that I might be going so full steam ahead with this because I don't want to be back in that limbo with my spouse. It's uncomfortable not knowing what's going to happen.
I fear how much I love my spouse and how deeply I am connecting with her. I fear that opening up my heart is dangerous because maybe she will change so much that we don't connect anymore. What if she decides she want someone else and leaves? What if I can't handle it and I leave? Oh the "what ifs..." I feel myself shutting down and putting the wall up again. It seems to happen right after having beautifully touching moments or great nights with her, which seems odd to me but probably makes sense.
Maybe that's what I'm afraid of, the uncertainty. If we just hurry up and "get this over with", maybe I'll have the answers I need. Then I will know one way or the other if our marriage is going to survive. Yes, I know...that is ridiculous. People grow and change, marriages change even without dealing with a transgender issue. Surgery, no surgery, what the hormones might do, what our relationship will become, none of that changes the fact that I am in a marriage right now. We are in a good place right now and I need to be in the moment more.
I can't rush this. I can't push too much and as much as I am in this too, the transition is not my struggle. Yes, the changes in our marriage are both of our struggle, but I cannot control my spouse's emotions or decisions on transitioning. I can't put a checklist and timeline on when the transition will be "complete." I can be supportive and be open about myself, but I need to just relax.
Writing about this does help a lot. It helps me see when I am being rational or irrational and what some of the root causes might be behind my behavior or anxiety. It forces me to slow down and really think about things. I can also look back and see things I have overcome and remind myself that I got through other struggles and am strong enough to face the challenges ahead.
I am going to start doing more for myself. I need to find happiness in my passions again. I was asked to put together a cooking class for a group of women who take art classes. I am excited about that. It will be a fairly big project and I can go have fun doing something that I love. Hey, I might even make a few bucks doing it!
My spouse needs time to herself too. She needs time to process everything going on and find her own things that make her happy. I cannot make her go out of the house dressed, that decision is up to her. I've decided to let that go. I have to let go of any guilt I feel for being happy within myself so I can find my balance.
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