I think the one of the most important things that has happened in my life is falling into a deep depression. Okay, that sounds a bit negative, but it's true. After dealing with the death of a parent, I sunk to probably the lowest point of my life. I am prone to depression anyway, but that really sent me over the edge. I was angry, emotional, bitter and couldn't find joy in anything. It was affecting everything in my life and all I wanted to do was sleep or find some way to numb the pain. Depression is a hard thing to explain if you haven't actually been through it. It's hard for a spouse to watch when there is nothing they can really do about it. I felt guilty that my husband had to watch that. I felt weak for not being able to just pull myself out of it. It feels like you're being sucked slowly down a drain and there is no way to escape the pull of the darkness.
Because the depression was starting to affect my work, I ended up going to a counselor for grief and depression. I thought going to a counselor was also a sign of weakness. Wasn't I smart enough to figure out what was wrong by myself? I analyze everything, I love learning about psychology and behavior, I knew what was wrong with me. Turns out, I learned more than I could possibly have imagined. I can't say "I'm all better now!" but it started me on a path to getting to know myself better and actually starting to like myself.
Counseling was a very unsettling thing for me. Someone was pushing me to talk about my feelings. Just my feelings. Uh oh... But I always have to consider other peoples' feelings first, don't I? How do I just talk about my own feelings? What do you mean I'm allowed to feel these things? What do you mean I can't control or predict peoples' reactions to me or my behavior? I learned a lot. I'm still trying to really know it and believe it, but at least I know in theory some of the things I need to work on. I learned more about anxiety. I felt really stupid that I didn't realize that I had anxiety. Other people didn't know that, it was something I learned to hide quite well. Oh...I was hiding? From what and why?
When I finally started talking about my emotions and allowing myself to get them out, I started feeling better. I got the proper medication to help snap me out of the depression. I was finding myself enjoying things and being creative again. I was being encouraged by my spouse and he has always been there to help encourage me to follow my bliss. For a long time, our life was revolved around me finding myself. I was feeling so good about what I was doing, I feel like I was neglecting my marriage. And I was. I wasn't being destructive or unfaithful, I was just being selfish for once and doing things just for myself. That can't go on forever.
I think we were both avoiding the truth that we could not have a happy marriage unless we were both our true selves. It wasn't bad, it just was....routine and quiet. I had a wonderful husband who all my friends were jealous of because of his thoughtfulness, empathy, respect for me, and it was clear that he did truly love me. Even though I was doing things that made me happy and was going in the right direction, I still hadn't really found myself.
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