After I understood the true nature of his feelings, it was still quite some time before I met "her". I feel bad that I don't even really have a clear memory of the first time she and I were together.
A quick side note here is that right now, this is how we both think about it. Almost that it's a pull between "him" and "her". It's almost as if I have two spouses. Yes, logically we know that they are the same person, but it kind of helps us explain the different sides of it.
I knew there were clothes in the house, I knew that he read things on the internet about it, and I knew that he would become her when I wasn't home. We didn't really talk about it. I guess I wanted to respect her privacy to come out as needed and felt like when she was comfortable enough to meet me, she would. He gave me privacy as well and we both are people who enjoy being alone sometimes. He didn't badger me about my past like previous men did, wanting to know every detail of who I had been with, what I had done, how did they compare and all the other jealous type behavior I'd seen in the past.
We explored the dressing up a bit in the bedroom, but not much. I didn't want to push, but the side that came out was much more passionate and that both turned me on and kind of scared me. I think it scared me because I could see how much he liked being her. The only times that are very clear in my mind where she came out was when we went out together on Halloween. Yes, Halloween is a big deal. It's the only time of year when you can go out freely and not be questioned too much. Our first Halloween was exciting, but very uncomfortable for me. I knew now what this really meant to her.
I think the first Halloween was better for me than some of the following ones. It was like we had this kinky secret and I was excited for the sexual arousal of the situation, but started having fear of what people might think. Not in the respect that I cared how they judged us, I became scared of the possibility of violence against her. Maybe I was afraid for myself too, but more for her. I also winced every time someone told her that she was ugly. Ouch. Nobody wants to hear that. I also started seeing behavior that I never saw except when we were out. Suddenly, there was a flirtatious person in front of me who wanted attention. This wasn't the person I knew every other day. Every Halloween after the first one became more tense for me and I started dreading it a little more each time, even though I knew how much it meant for her to be out and socializing instead of hidden away somewhere in our home, shut in like a shameful secret.
I had so many emotions inside, but couldn't express how I was feeling about it. This is an important part of my personal struggles, recognizing what was going on emotionally. I don't like to show my emotions because I don't want to affect other people with something that I'm feeling. I felt like having anxious or sad emotions was a sign of weakness and got angry at myself about it. I started becoming a wreck inside and know that I was acting very strangely about it all, which only made matters worse. There were some things that she was doing that he wouldn't do and I couldn't understand where that person went. When we were at home, she was timid, shy, vulnerable and sweet and then would be quite sensual and open up sexually.
On Halloween, I felt like I became invisible. She was flirting with other people and being touched all over by everyone. Everyone wanted to feel her boobs. The men usually made a joke of it somehow, but women became an almost bigger threat to me than it did in previous relationships. When other women gave compliments to her, she became so excited and it felt like she completely forgot about me. She didn't ever tell me that I looked good in my costumes, didn't want to help me in any manner with my outfit and seemed so uncharacteristically selfish. She would go off and leave me sitting by myself while she was meeting new people. She didn't introduce me when I walked up to her and seemed very distant toward me. I would be on the verge of tears by the end of the night almost every time. She was probably hurt and angry that I wasn't being more supportive. In my mind, those times gave me more fear of what might happen if we explored the possibility of him living as her.
In hindsight, I understand better what was going on with both of us. She was discovering her femininity and this was after all HER day, not mine. I get to be a woman every day, this is her big chance to live it up. I get that. It doesn't make it hurt any less. I wanted to feel pretty too. What woman doesn't? I was complimenting her left and right. I don't get dressed up very often either, I don't wear makeup hardly ever or do my hair, so I felt like it was a slap in the face that there was little to no recognition of that. I wasn't allowed to flirt like that when we were out. Not that she would have even noticed at that point, but it began to feel almost competitive and I was conflicted. I wanted to be the one she wanted to have fun with, not everyone else. I was feeling ashamed of my selfishness, how could I be so insensitive? She doesn't ever get this chance and I should just suck it up and deal with it, quit being so insecure. I was telling myself just to let it go, it wasn't that big of a deal. But it was.
I think the lesson we learned with that is that we both need to be sensitive to what the other is going through. I feel like because we didn't actually deal with the emotions at the time of what was happening, it set us back in our honesty about it. Neither one of us wanted to hurt the others' feelings by expressing our own. He stopped letting her out as much, then not at all for a long time. It could go a year or more sometimes. We became more distant and didn't talk like we used to, but we still loved each other. We retreated into our own worlds for a long time. I became very depressed and anxious. He didn't understand what was so wrong. I didn't tell him either. I couldn't, I didn't know how because I don't think I really knew why. It wasn't just about him, it was not knowing my true self either.
Maybe if we both just ignored it, things would get better, right?
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