Holidays

The holidays are here and it has occurred to me that this might be the last time I will be spending it with my family and my husband.  I am not quite sure how I feel about that.  Excited in one sense because the beautiful, tender woman I have come to know could be a part of it.  Sad in a way, because I know nothing will be the same if the transition actually happens.  How will family respond?  Will we even be able to attend these functions?  How awkward is that going to be?

One of my sisters knows about this situation and is very supportive.  I don't know which of the other family members will be supportive.  They might reluctantly accept that we are going through this, but not feel comfortable with it.  What would it be like to be the lesbian couple that everyone has trouble looking at?  Would I get the pity stares of people who just think I'm "brave" for sticking it out?  Would they understand that I am actually supportive of this and not just going along with it?  Would they understand that I love this person even more than I ever did?

Why do I care?  Why would I care what they think?  I think it's not so much for me, but I feel protective of her feelings and want everyone to accept that this is who she is.

Today is Thanksgiving so we're off to join family and put on our happy faces.  I hate being around family when I'm feeling so conflicted, because they are the ones who can see right through me.  They will know something is up if they're looking at me.  I just have to put that wall back up again to shut it out.  This is a particularly hard time for our family anyway after my dad passed away a few years back.  It's hard on everyone, we all miss him.  We don't talk about it, but everyone seems like they are all just on the verge of tears while we're forcing laughter.  We all battle depression that we don't deal with.  Why can't we just be real?

What I really want today is to get a little drunk so I can numb the anxiety.  I'm doing too much of that lately, but that's just one of the coping mechanisms I know how to use.  I've seen it all my life and have used it as a crutch now for a little too long.  Am I an alcoholic?  Perhaps.  I don't like being sloppy, falling-over, slurring kind of drunk...just enough to take the edge off so I can block out my feelings.  I'm hoping now that I have started facing my demons, that part of my life can go away.  It sickens me that I drink to dull the pain, but I keep doing it.  I guess I might need to reconsider medication.  When I was on anti-depressants, I didn't feel the urge so much.  That or the anxiety pills, but those made me so drowsy I didn't take them hardly ever.

Oh well...I'm off to plaster on that fake face and get comfortably numb.  Maybe someday we both can gather the strength to finally be who we really are.  Maybe it won't be as bad as I think.