After the dust settled from the initial determination that we were both ready now to explore this new idea, we began exploring what it is like to be with each other as more of our true selves. Many late night conversations about our pasts, our feelings, our hopes and dreams. It was almost like we were starting a whole new relationship. In essence, that is exactly what is happening.
Sure, it's not all great and we both have our moments of doubt and insecurity, but it has only been about a month so far and we haven't shared our new experience with anyone except a few of the people closest to us who had known about the issue before. That being said, I feel a stronger bond in my marriage than ever. I also feel other parts of myself coming out that I had not expected, both good and bad.
I am having fun helping her get to look her best. Getting to help make her comfortable and pretty while we're just hanging around the house has been fun because before, all the tight undergarments and not having the correct size clothing just made her demeanor more uncomfortable. Of course it was, those things suck to wear. That's why women don't wear them all the time. We got some clothes that fit right, got the right things to secure other things like the wig and boobs in place and dropped the tight cinching garments that aren't comfortable to wear for any woman. Sure, we might go out in those type of things, but not just for hanging out at home. I got some nice feminine soft pants, shirts, etc. for her to get to feel like herself, but comfortable. I felt like we really got to know each other in a whole new way. I started really enjoying her new look and am kind of disappointed to see it go away during the day when we're around other people. Her whole attitude is more tender, understanding and she's just been easier to talk to. Yes, this is still the same person, but I feel like I can open up more and just be able to express my feelings. I think she feels that way too.
We were finally able to relax enough to laugh again too. That was something that was becoming a bit of a concern for me. We always laughed, but it had been so serious that we weren't able to just feel like ourselves. As soon as that started happening again, I felt much better and less like I was going to completely lose the relationship I had been in for so long.
There have been some enormous challenges for me. Some I expected, some I didn't see coming at all until they were right in front of me. I hate those ones because I don't have time to process the feelings first and might end up saying something that comes out all wrong or something I didn't really mean.
Shopping, for instance, was a surprising challenge. We are able to wear the same clothes, since I am a big girl, so I thought shopping wouldn't be that big an issue. People would just assume that my husband was helping me choose clothing. Turns out, it was harder than I thought. I am not super fashionable and really don't like shopping. I get discouraged because I hate trying on clothes and it ends up just making me feel awful about myself and my body. I usually end up feeling worse about myself than ever and get angry that people think all big girls want is stuff that looks like what an 80 year old woman might wear. We don't get the cute choices. I feel like I just want to cover all the disgusting fat up and shouldn't ever be looked at or desired ever again.
I thought it was going to be fun helping her shop. After all, I didn't have to focus on my own body. The first time though, I didn't realize how tense it would be. She was anxious, of course, which made me anxious. It wasn't fun at all. We disagreed on what might look good and couldn't really talk about it in the store. She wouldn't even touch things hardly at all. That was starting to make me angry. I understand why, but I still didn't want to be the only one looking. My taste in style, or complete lack of style, is obviously different than what she has in mind. It was supposed to be fun and she was just completely frozen. We both ended up frustrated but did get a few things to try. After that first time, we have learned how to calm down a bit. Hopefully that part will get better. It's more fun for me helping someone else shop than me shopping for myself. If I go shopping with friends (which is rare), I need it to be something we can have fun with, laugh about, be able to talk about other things while we're in the store. It helps me cope with my own anxieties about shopping.
Makeup was another surprising challenge. I am okay at doing my own makeup when I ever bother to do that, which is only once or twice a year maybe. We decided to try putting some on her and didn't have the right colors. It, of course, didn't turn out well and took way too long. She was getting impatient and so was I. It was so-so and we decided to get the right foundation for her skin tone. The next time we tried, I was trying really hard and it was starting to look really good. Then, she started telling me how she thought it was supposed to be done. That was irritating because I didn't want my own inadequacies pointed out right then when I was just trying to help. When I was done, she was focused on her own flaws and didn't seem to really like anything about what I'd done. I couldn't help it, I just broke down because I wanted so badly to help her feel pretty. Then she got upset because I was supposed to be the strong one in this situation. That hurt even worse. I should get to feel things too. Why couldn't I feel vulnerable too? I don't want to be "the man" in the relationship. By that I mean just holding in all my feelings. I am a woman too. I can be strong, but I have feelings too.
The worst for me right now is my own insecurities. I have built my whole life around these walls I've constructed to not feel...well, any deep emotion. I made a conscious effort to start to break down those walls and I feel like I am an insecure teenager again. All my previous hurt, jealousy, heartache and fears were rearing their ugly heads again. I tried so hard to put all that behind me or block it out that when I started feeling that way, I began getting depressed again. How could anyone love me for real? How could someone really love this person who is insecure? Once she saw the real me, would she run screaming? I realized that I had never told my husband in all the years we were together some of the horrible things that had happened to me and what that did to my self esteem. The times I let myself believe that someone loved me and they betrayed me. The times I truly trusted someone and they stabbed me right in the back. I hadn't really let myself trust or feel love in a long time, even with my own marriage. There was always a part of me waiting to be hurt again. I guess I still am. I'm trying really hard to let go of that, but when you spend over 20 years of your life building defenses, it's hard to let go of them.
Once I was able to really express this in actual words, not just in my own head, it's been better for us as a couple but harder on me emotionally. I can feel it when I start detaching again and have to force myself to give in to the helpless feeling I get inside and trust that it will be okay. I realized that I do actually trust this person and love her with my whole heart. That's the scariest part. Once I do truly love and allow that love in return, the thought of losing it seems too much to bear. Nobody can predict the future, so I have to just enjoy each moment of being in love.
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