Keep on Keepin' On...

So, about another month since my last post.  I have to say, there has been a lot of self-reflection as well as reflection we have had as a couple since then.

I wrote last time about my depression and that I was getting back on meds.  Since then, things have opened up for me in a way they haven't in years.  Why do those of us who need these meds think that we can cope with life without them?  I suppose for myself, I thought my depression was mostly due to specific situations when I needed the additional help of medication.  Maybe that was true, maybe I was kidding myself.  Yes, I have triggers that make me more prone to the "super depression" that I feel, but I had to face the fact that I might just need them to keep my brain in line.

Since the last post, I have opened up to my spouse more than I ever have.  I have started to open up to other people too.  It's a bit scary at first, but what I've found is that the people I have struggled the most to connect with in the past are the people who I have started connecting with in a way I never have before.

What I have found is that the people who I have had the most conflict in my day to day life might be struggling with the same issues I am.  By that I mean that they might also be dealing with anxiety and depression.  The more I opened up about what I was going through, the more they opened up and started having more compassion for me and also revealing some of the same things about themselves.  It was really strange.  I really thought some of these people hated me, but what I realized is that we had such similar issues and maybe we fed off of the negativity of each other, possibly we were angry at what we recognized in each other.  By expressing my feelings and vulnerabilities, they seemed to react with genuine care that I didn't think they actually felt for me.  I found the same compassion for them in return.

I finally went back to my counselor a few weeks ago.  I didn't realize it had been about 5 years since I had been to counseling.  It helped me see how far I had come within myself and dealing with my co-dependence issues since I had last seen her.  Yes, I had made progress.  Yes, I did start revealing my feelings to people.  Yes, I had started recognizing patterns of behavior and started speaking up.  Just speaking to her about the things I had done since the last time I saw her made me realize that I really had been making progress over the past few years.  Sure, it's slow, but it's still progress.

One of the scariest things for me right now is actually feeling things.  Any feelings.  I wasn't able to express what I was feeling for a long time (before I got back on my meds) and there is a huge difference in what I feel now.  Starting meds again, the highs are so much higher, the low are so much lower.  When a person is in the midst of depression, it is so hard to explain to others the way you feel.  Basically, I felt numb to any type of feeling, good or bad.  It's confusing to get back to a place where you actually feel both the highs and lows of emotion.  That is one thing I'd like to stress to anyone dealing with someone who is going through depression.  It is confusing for everyone.  We don't know why we feel what we do any more that the people we love know what we're feeling.  Please just be patient and compassionate that we're trying to adjust.  

As much as I wish I could say that I understand or can be empathetic to what my spouse is going through and vice versa; none of us know the struggles other people have within their own minds.  We all have struggles.  I think what we have come to in our relationship is that neither of us will ever completely understand what the other is going through...but that's okay.  As long as we can really listen to one another and be compassionate and understanding, we are on the right path for a life-long relationship.

I was given an "assignment" to watch another TED Talks that dealt with vulnerability and happiness.  I watched it once, then asked my spouse to watch it with me.  She obliged and it opened up some great dialogue for us.  The central thesis was basically that in order to feel full joy and happiness, there needs to be a vulnerability of being hurt.  We need to be able to be open to all feelings, regardless of the outcome.  Then, and only then, we are able to feel the true joy and happiness we are longing for.  It's so scary to be vulnerable in that respect but without taking the risk, we won't be able to feel the full extent of our own feelings, nor anyone else's.  

I thank my counselor for opening my eyes (once again) to things that were right in front of me all along.  Fear of being hurt has closed me off to true joy.  I would like to let go of that fear in order to feel the joy, happiness and love I deserve.  No matter what happens in the future, I need to be able to feel and rejoice in the feelings I have at any moment in order to feel happy and fulfilled in life.  I have that right now within my spouse, my family, my friends.  I need to simply accept it and feel good about it.

Changing Perspective

So, it's been about a month since the last post.  At that point, I had a realization that I probably needed to do some serious work on me instead of focusing so much on what was going on with my spouse.  Since then, there have been ups, downs and a few sideways emotional changes with me.

I finally admitted some things to both myself and my spouse about how deep I was into the depression again.  It's so hard to see how bad it is when you're in it. It wasn't really until the things I was so focused on being upset or anxious about started getting better.  At that point, I didn't have something else to place the blame on except myself and my depression.

It's extremely hard to explain to people who have never experienced actual clinical-type depression.  Luckily, I found the TED Talks awhile back that helped me express to other people how I felt.  I posted a link to that in a previous blog.  I also had a friend who showed me another blog http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html which explained it very honestly and clearly.  That blog explained it with the sense of humor I really appreciate.  

It doesn't make logical sense why we (depressed people) feel what we do, that's what is so frustrating about it.  

One of the best things that I learned from both of those sources is that I'm not alone in feeling this way.  It's not exactly being sad, it's a slow regression of emotions really.  The inability to feel anything.  One of the lines from the TED Talks was, "The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality."  So true.  One definition of vitality is "capacity for survival or for the continuation of a meaningful or purposeful existence."  

I felt like nothing mattered, nothing good or bad meant anything to anyone.  It becomes a sick cycle and my conclusion was that the negative thoughts in my head are just a hinderance to everyone around me.  How could anyone really care about someone who thinks such things?  They couldn't, so everything in life is really just meaningless.

Yikes.  Even writing those thoughts down sucks.  I can't believe I got to a place like again that without realizing it.  

So, I expressed some of the thoughts that go through my head to my spouse who, of course, immediately became alarmed.  At first, I felt stupid for letting the thoughts out.  That's why I don't say anything, because it scares people.  I suppose I really did it on purpose though, even if it wasn't exaclty my intention to force help upon myself.  I guess I knew I needed to get help again.

I agreed to go back on the depression medication.  It felt like a failure of my brain or willpower to be able to just "beat it" with common sense and logic.  But that isn't how it works.  It's a malfunction in my brain's wiring.  I just have to accept that and know that it doesn't make me weak or stupid for not being able to just fix it on my own.  I also made an appointment to meet with a counselor again.  That feels stupid to me too because if I already know what my issues are, why can't I just deal with it on my own?  Counseling really does help though because sometimes you need an outside perspective from a person you aren't personally involved with so you can be really honest with and not fear what you say might hurt them in some way.

The medication experience this time was vastly different than the last few times I tried it.  I was taking the same exact medication, same doses, but reacted quite differently than ever before.  I experienced a panic attack the first day, felt like I didn't exist for a day or two (which is a side effect called de-personalization) and then just couldn't stop crying another day.  It felt like a huge mistake at first and didn't make sense.  Then I realized that since I'm no longer on birth control, my hormones aren't regulated like they were in the past.  It finally evened out for the most part, but I still am tired pretty much all the time and have trouble concentrating.  I think that is another side effect, but hopefully that will pass too.

What did happen though (after 5-6 days of weird side effects) was pretty incredible.  I felt like I woke up from some kind of coma I've been in for months.  I couldn't believe I let that go on for so long.  I had forgotten (or was unable) to feel happiness at all.  I could express happiness for others, but never actually felt it.  What the fuck???  

Something that was a bit of a sore spot with my spouse was her feeling like it was her fault.  It was absolutely not her fault.  Yes, she decided to transition.  Yes, it was the best thing for her and for our marriage.  Yes, it may have triggered something in me that causes me to go into depression, but that isn't her fault.  

Depression can be triggered by major life events, but doesn't mean that it is that person's fault.  It just means that the brain of a person suffering with depression isn't capable of handling emotion like other people, especially in circumstances which really alter your life.  Deaths of loved ones were the past triggers for me.  This was kind of like a death in a way.  Mourning the loss of my husband, which is even stranger when I still have a spouse who is SO much happier than ever before.  We're happier as a couple, but apparently my brain gets stuck in depression when I feel deep grief.  

So, back to after the initial side effects of the medication...

I am finally feeling better now and back to what I think is more of my true self.  I can feel silly again.  I can feel happy again.  I can face problems or issues without feeling like everything is SUCH a struggle.  Such small things felt like SO much work.  Now it doesn't seem like such a monumentous task to simply make plans and hang out with friends.  I don't feel like being alone all the time.  I can start caring about things again.  I'm not fully functional or "normal" yet, but I'm getting there.

I'm so thankful for all of those who have been so patient with me through this.  Feeling more aware now of what had been happening, I feel guilty for putting other people through that.  At the same time, I know I would do it for them had the situations been reversed, so I'm trying to just accept that relationships are just that...give and take.  Acceptance and forgiveness.  Being there for each other is what it's all about.  Addressing issues and accepting that people will still love you even if you act crazy, sad, irrational, angry, or whatever might make them uncomfortable is what makes relationships work.  Not just romantic relationships, but all relationships.  

I finally feel more hopeful about the future.  Maybe hopeful isn't even the right word...maybe it is vitality.  Maybe I do have meaning and purpose in this world.  Maybe my experiences will reach others and help them cope with their own issues.  

Maybe we all do deserve to feel happy and are meaningful in this world, no matter how fucked up we might feel in our own mind.

So....What Now?

I asked my spouse just before she received the official documentation designating her as female with her new name about how she would feel once she accomplished that goal.  I basically said, "So now what?"  By that, I meant what would she focus on once the goal was met.

I asked the question mainly out of curiosity.  I enjoy thinking about the human psyche.  What does any person do once they have obtained a goal they have been so focused on for so many years?  What I imagined in my head was that finally getting something which has been a lifelong goal would somehow feel strangely empty.  I'm not sure why exactly I think that.  I suppose I have never had such a strong longing to achieve something, so couldn't imagine what you do after that.

This is a strange point to be at with the transition.  There aren't any other really big milestones to reach besides the actual surgery now.  Surgery can't happen for quite awhile anyhow because of the guidelines about how long she needs to be living "full time" as a woman and saving up for the amount we would need to pay out of pocket for it.  Insurance covers a large portion, but it's not a cheap surgery.  So, now we wait. 

At the time I asked the "Now what?" quesiton, I thought I was simply asking about how she felt about it.  I realize now that I was asking myself the same question.  So much of the past year and a half of my life has been spent thinking about all the implications of how every part of the transition will affect each of us as individuals and how it will impact the relationship.  So much of the focus has been on her that sometimes I forget to think about myself.  More accurately, maybe I don't want to think about myself.

It's hard for me to think about the waiting period until surgery, but it's also more difficult to imagine afterward.  Once there is no other milestone to focus on, how do I set new goals?  How do we figure out new goals as a couple?  It's foreign to me to think about just living a day to day life without some kind of drama, something to worry about, something to be excited about, something to fear...something that keeps me moving forward.    

I have tried to do some small things for myself, like being more creative with my artwork in my spare time or write about my feelings, but I haven't really set any goals for myself or have been able to even think about life after the surgery.  I keep telling myself that I will start working on getting better at healthy coping skills, exercise, spend more time with friends and family, and stop focusing so much on my spouse.  It's really difficult not to focus on her because she is going through so much and having these wonderful realizations and milestones.  It feels really important that I support her during this period and not add my own frustrations, fears or needs into the mix.  Yes, I know that is classic co-dependent behavior...I'm working on it. 

Maybe that is the difference between people who suffer from depression/anxiety and people who don't.  Perhaps those of us who have the combination of depression and anxiety need a reason why we feel the (sometimes) ridiculous things we do.  Without a reason, that means we have to deal with the fact that it isn't necessarily our situation that is causing the feelings.  It's also possible that we choose difficult situations subconsciously to distract us from the chaos in our own minds.  That could be easier than admitting that the irrational thoughts and feelings could be an actual imbalance in the brain.  I'm not sure why it's so hard to admit the brain might simply be mis-wired. 

I have (literally just now) had the realization of what the uncomfortable part of where my spouse's transition is.  Now that she has reached her personal goal, I am going to have to start being accountable for my own feelings.  I can't place any focus or blame on my own feelings toward her.  She's quite happy.  I need to get on board with this "happy" thing or do something about my own issues.  Some of the focus within our marriage might be pointed in my direciton.  Well...shit...

I've said it before, but I do think I was meant to be with my spouse for a reason.  As much as people think I'm "strong" or "brave" or whatever for supporting my spouse, I have learned equally as much about myself by being a part of it.  I need her just as much, if not more, than she needs me for support.  We're lucky to have each other and I hope everyone can find the mutual understanding and love we have for one another.  No matter what happens in the future, I will always cherish everything I have learned from being with her.  Her courage inspires me and gives me hope that maybe I can figure out what my true bliss is too.  

What's in a Name Change?

There have been some really exciting things happening for my spouse and I in the past few months.  It all happened quite quickly, so I haven't had too much time for writing lately.  It's been a whirlwind of paperwork and research, but we are both very happy with what has resulted.

We went to another appointment with the hormone doctor.  That went extremely well.  I always like to go along to show my support and to listen to all the things the doctor is saying.  I know it's always a bit of an intense experience for my spouse just with all the anticipation of what is the next step, making sure all things are in place on the timeline for transition, etc.

I have to say I think my presence and honesty with the doctor has played a big role in how well he understands the true support that my spouse has.  I'm not only focusing on positive or negative...I'm just truthful.  I think expressing only one way or the other would just be deceptive.  He's a wonderful doctor and honestly wants to know how I'm doing with everything.  It's a bit of a rollercoaster, but I think the fact that we are both honest with him has had an impact.  I express that yes, I do have some frustrations but that overall this is the best thing that could ever happen for my spouse and has been a wonderful thing for our marriage in the respect that we are both much more open an honest about our feelings...which isn't easy.  Good, absolutely...but not easy.

At the end of the appointment, he asked if we had any other questions.  We mentioned that she wanted to do the official name change, so he asked if she wanted the letter of affirmation.  She said yes, but didn't understand exactly what he was about to give us.  My spouse checked just for spelling, but didn't really read the letter until we had gotten home.  I knew what it meant.  It said she has had appropriate treatment to transition to the female gender.  Only later did it really hit her what it actually said.

That was "the" letter.  "The" letter is important for many reasons.  It's important not only to surgeons who will eventually be performing the GRS (or SRS or whatever it's called now) but it also allows for some legal document changes right now.  So, as it sank in for her what it meant, I began my research.

Every state is different on how they handle name and gender changes, so not all of what we experienced will happen to all of you who want this change, but what I want to emphasize is that you need to do your research.  The clerks and other state employees aren't real familiar with the process, so the more documentation you have ready for them, the better.  From what my spouse said, most of the clerks (really all females in our case) were kind of excited for something different.

The name change itself was not too big a deal.  I mean, yes...a big deal for us, but wasn't much trouble.  The entire process does cost some money, a few hundred bucks all together with all the filing fees, but totally worth it in the end.

In our case, we were able to petition for a "confidential name change."  This has a few implications.  In our state, if you want to change your name, you usually need to publish that in a newspaper for a few weeks in case you are trying to get out of some type of debt, etc. but there is another confidential form you can petition for if you have just cause and you are not trying to ellude some finincial difficulty.  We debated this because we don't really care if anyone knows, but it would publish the name and address.  You never know what stranger might have a problem with who you are and want to commit some crime against you.  That really was our only reason for going that route.  The name change doesn't affect the gender on anything.  It's just the name.  That all went through without a hitch.

In our state, the gender marker on the birth certificate cannot change until after surgery.  Bummer.  Right away, we were a little disappointed because we thought it would impact the driver's license.  I did more research and found out how to approach the other documents and I found out how we could get around that.

Social Security (which is Federal, not state) passed a law in something like 2003 that all you need to do in order to change the gender on your social security card is a letter of affirmation from a medical doctor.  Aha!  We had that!!!  Then came the driver's license.  In our state (and I'm assuming most others) the way they check the identity of someone during a name change at the DMV is if their social security number, name and gender all match.  They use the Social Security records.  So, as long as we changed the social security record first, then the DMV record, it all went through.  What a relief!

Both Social Security and the DMV went through with no problem except perhaps a bit more waiting time than the normal customer.  They just had to verify the documents and laws we presented to them. (I recommend highlighting the areas they need to focus on)

The biggest thing that has been such a worry for my spouse is having to explain the difference between what someone is seeing and the identification presented.  Sure, the birth certificate won't change until after surgery, but who cares?  Who really looks at that anyway?

I just thought I'd share the process we went through in case anyone else was having thoughts and concerns about how to approach it.  My advice is to look up the laws first yourself, print out what you find and highlight anything of importance for the clerks who have to decipher it.  Check with your state Vital Records office on their particular requirements for birth certificate, marriage certificate, etc.

Long story short, my spouse now officially has a social security card and driver's license which indicates her new name as well as the appropriate gender.  We could not be more excited!

A New Year, A New Attitude....Self Love and Self Care

Wow, another year gone.  This has been a tough year.  It hasn't been all bad, actually has been quite wonderful overall, just a lot of work.  It's been a lot of work not only for me, but everyone else around me.  We're all trying to learn better ways to relate to each other, become more accepting and to do some deep self-reflection.  The struggles haven't all been about the transition with my spouse, there have been a lot of other issues in my life and the lives of everyone around me.  Friends, family, co-workers...just a year of crazy amounts of change.  I'm trying to recap / sum up some of the most important things I've learned or started to recognize this past year.

First of all, I am so incredibly proud of my spouse for the strides she has made in following her path to becoming who she was meant to be.  She's got an incredible amount of courage to open herself up to the world.  Every day I feel like she's stronger as herself, happier, and more comfortable in the world.  She is beginning to accept herself and gain the confidence that makes her shine even more than she did before.  Most anyone I know has always had a tremendous love and respect for my spouse, but now they express how much better it is when they see the absolute joy in her now that she can be herself more fully.  I feel like we are so much closer now than we have ever been.  We've been able to help each other in our individual journeys, but also our journey as a couple.  

I am personally trying to focus on the lessons I've learned not just from the trials of life, but from the joys too.  I'm beginning to accept that there are people who are right in front me who are willing help me through difficult times.  I've written a lot about it in previous blogs, that trust has always been a huge issue for me. It's scary to trust people.  I've been hurt or let down by a number of people who were supposed to protect me or love me.  I formed my walls and became cynical over the years.  The thing about walls is that what you show to others isn't necessarily reflective of what you really feel, so people get confused about reactions or behaviors.

I have seen how much my lack of trust has hindered me in my life.  Sure, I may have some valid reasons for mistrusting people, but without giving anyone an opportunity to win my trust, it just puts me in a very lonely situation.  How does a person begin to trust again after seeing how shitty some people can be?  Baby steps.  Be vulnerable.  Open up.  I often deflect offers of help, support, or encouragement with my sarcasm, self-deprication or doubt.  That may just be a means to push people away because of my own insecurity.  It may be perceived as a dismission of their love or efforts.  I hate the thought of hurting peoples' feelings, but that might be exactly what I'm doing through my actions.

I am trying to be less reactive to what I view as criticism and try to be a better listener.  It can be difficult to actually sit and listen without starting to form your response in your head before the other person even finishes their thought or comment.  At that point, you have already stopped listening if you're just thinking about what you're going to say next.

What's the worst that would happen if I open up or become vulnerable? People might mock me, they might think I'm crazy, they might think I'm weak, they might talk badly about me to others.  So what?  Those people and situations do exist and it is just a reality I may have to deal with.  If I am secure with myself and my beliefs or actions, I don't (well shouldn't) need validation from anyone else.  If they disagree or are uncomfortable with my views, that is their problem...not mine.  That's not to say I have to be argumentative or angry with them, just agree to disagree, even if they are angry or upset.  Their feelings are their responsibility.  On the flip side, if I become more open, there is actually opportunity for genuine connection with others, happiness, love and knowing that people can still surprise me with their kindness.   I have had a tremendous amount of support from friend, family, and from people I only know through connecting through the internet, blogs, Facebook groups, etc. Thanks to all of you who have been there for me. :)

I've made progress, I've regressed, then made progress again.  The same probably goes for my spouse and my friends and family.  I think that's something I think we all could benefit from being aware of...we may have setbacks.  We may revert to what is comfortable sometimes even if it may not be the best or most healthy choice.  The most important thing I've realized during my setbacks is to try and recognize the root of my choices or behaviors, to forgive myself for not being perfect in moving forward, and to acknowledge (and apologize if necessary) not only to myself, but to the other people it might affect when it happens.  I also feel it may be necessary sometimes that I tell people when I understand that I have taken a step backward.  The first step is admitting when you have a problem, right?  

My belief has always been that the most devastating things in life have taught me the most about how to be strong, strive for more and become a better person.  In this past year, I've seen how much the positive things in life and connections with people teach me just as much.  I need to stop the negative approach and appreciate the happy times while in the moment.  The past is gone, the future doesn't exist...all we have is right now.  I am going to try and enjoy life while I can.  None of us are guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth, so we shouldn't put off following our bliss.  

I am grateful for every single part of the past year.  It hasn't been easy, but I feel like I'm waking up from a deep slumber I've been in for most of my life.  I'm beginning to let go of old ideas, opening up to new ones and look forward to whatever this new year will bring. I am going to try my best to stay focused on moving forward and accepting life as it comes.  Nobody knows what tomorrow will bring, every day is an opportunity to create a better and more fulfilling life for ourselves.  

Happy New Year Everyone!!!