I have come to a point (finally) that I have realized that I want to make a change too. If the person you love is making significant change to be happy, it poses the question that if you don't really think about seriously changing too, where does that leave you or your relationship? Change is such a scary thing, even if it's a healthy change. Maybe especially when it is healthy change. It's easier to numb my anxiety with alcohol, drugs, obsession, food or whatever else works easily and quickly. It's far more difficult to face your fears and feel the feelings that come along with that and just...be okay with those feelings.
My issue has always been feeling ashamed of my anxiety or depression. I felt the need to put up such a front of being in control and being strong that my behaviors didn't reflect to other people who I really am. Maybe I was ashamed of who I am? Why in the world was I ever surprised that other people didn't know the real me? People are not psychic. They honestly don't know what you are feeling unless you tell them. Sometimes we want other people to "just know" what you really mean or what you feel without telling them. Maybe that means it's a sign that they really love you? It's kind of delusional to make that a test of who you can really let into your heart. Maybe that kind of test is just an excuse to never let anyone into your heart so you don't get hurt.
I watch programs like Hoarders or Obsessed and joke with people that it just makes me feel better about my house not being perfectly clean or that at least I'm not as messed up as the people on the shows. In all honesty, those people just have different manifestations of anxiety and maybe it's me looking on others with the same shame I feel about myself and my anxiety and reinforcing that I shouldn't feel that way. Is their behavior really more destructive than mine? Okay...probably yes. It is in most cases, or they wouldn't be filming it in the first place, right? But sometimes their behavior isn't hurting anyone but themselves much more than mine is if I really think about it.
So, what are the roots of my anxiety? I've thought a lot about that and there are things that have contributed over the years, but really I just have always been a "worry-wart" as my family called me. I was teased about it, which is what family does to try to make light of something that doesn't seem like it should be such a big deal. I don't remember ever NOT being worried about something as long as I can remember, even as young as maybe 3 or 4 years old. Sure, other things over time like moving a lot as a child or dealing with my parents' divorce or inappropriate sexual relationships all contributed to my having rationalizations for why I am the way I am, but I think I have come to realize now that maybe I either have always had a slight chemical imbalance or that I just never was taught proper coping skills. I didn't want to be viewed as different or that I couldn't be as strong in dealing with situations as other people, so I just pushed those feelings down. I couldn't admit them to anyone.
So, how do I cope? It has changed over the years, but a lot of it for the past 20 years has been some sort of substance abuse. If I altered my state of mind, I could ignore the nagging feelings in the back of my mind. For the past several years, it has been habitual drinking. Not black-out type of drinking or "needing a drink to start my morning" kind of drinking, but getting into the habit of drinking every night to calm my nerves and just relax. When I was younger, I didn't really drink, but did experiment with other drugs and used some of them on a daily basis. I think I switched to drinking not so much that I enjoyed it more, but because it was legal. I didn't have to worry about being caught with alcohol because I was over 21. I don't chance driving drunk (because I would worry too much) so just pretty much stay home. I do have some healthy coping skills like artistic things or writing, but need to work on not just shutting out my feelings or people.
During my counseling sessions years ago, my therapist made the statement that I was self-medicating for anxiety. She prescribed some anxiety medication, but I didn't really like it because it made me really sleepy if I took it during the day and if I took it at night I had probably been drinking and wouldn't mix the two because it is dangerous. The only time it really helped was when I would wake up with the circular thought patterns and couldn't get back to sleep. Then I would take it only if it was still early enough to not be super groggy in the morning. I hated that anxiety too; that I needed to make sure I had enough time to let it work or I might not wake up in time for work. The last time I filled that medication was 2 years ago.
So now I am at a crossroads. I want to quit drinking every day. Maybe not quit drinking completely, but don't want to depend on it anymore. I'm sick of being dependent on anything. Substances, but also food. I've used food in the past as my coping mechanism before I discovered mind-altering substances. I don't want any substance to stop me from just living my life. So where do I go from here? Just learn better coping skills, right? Exercise and eat right! Yes, that certainly is my goal. But in the meantime, I get even more anxiety just thinking about not having something I can turn to for a quick fix. It's giving up a type of security blanket. I know that's not healthy, but it's the truth.
I swallowed my pride and finally admitted to my current doctor that I might need that medication again. He had not ever prescribed that for me. What I liked (and maybe didn't at the same time) was that he warned me about the potential for addiction to that one particular quick-acting medication that I had been on before and that it shouldn't be used all the time. I did express how I don't actually like taking it and that I mainly used it to get back to sleep if my mind was racing. I had used it a few other times during extrememly stressful situations during waking hours, but mainly for sleep purposes. He suggested a low dose medication that is a daily pill and even though I am okay with drinking every day, I wanted to reject that idea that I "need" a pill to be okay. What's the difference? I think it's an admission that maybe my brain just doesn't work correctly or that I just am not strong enough to handle stress. Obviously I can't handle it correctly if I feel the need to drink though, right? Not the want to drink, the need to drink.
So, now what? I am at the point of change. I think I am going to give the medication a try. I want to see how it makes me feel and if I can change my coping skills. Maybe I won't need it forever. Maybe it will give me the relaxation I desire without the limitations that drinking or other drugs have had on me. Maybe if I can get that little bit of clarity I can make healthier choices and learn to cope through positive methods. Hell, I would probably lose a bunch of weight too! Alcohol is super high in calories and that isn't helping anything, even if I am eating better.
I need to trust in myself that I can do this. I have started facing myself and need to let people in on what I've learned. I can't just tell the people I love to read my blog to see how I feel, I have to maybe actually express it sometimes. (Yikes!) That has been so difficult for me in the past. I want to get better. I need to get better. I am really close to being ready, but the first step is a doozy...
