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Saturday, March 8, 2014

Letting go

We finally came out to everyone in our lives that matter the most to us.  All my immediate family, all her immediate family and close friends.  At this point, I don't really care anymore who knows or doesn't know about us.  For the most part, everyone has been really supportive even if they are confused or concerned.  Still it really is only her mother and one of her sisters who isn't being supportive yet.  I am so thankful that I have such an amazing family and that we have friends who are open enough to accept us as we are, no matter what.

It is such a liberating feeling knowing that we can really just be ourselves and not worry about who might find out.  A huge weight has been lifted from both of our shoulders.  For me, the burden is gone that I had been feeling of being the only one who my spouse could share her true self with.  There is another part of me that feels a loss of security because I had been the only one who knew.  I felt secure that my spouse would never leave because of that.  Now I'm forced to believe that this person does actually love me, not just the security I represent.  That's a wonderful thing.  In a way, there is a slight pang of regret that we couldn't face this sooner, but neither one of us would probably have been ready to deal with it earlier.  There is no point in regret anyway, the past is the past and you can't change it.

I discovered in the process of coming out to people that my husband is transgender that I also had to reveal parts about myself that people never knew.  I guess it didn't occur to me that it was important to reveal my sexual attraction towards women in order for people to understand that it was possible for our marriage to survive.  It never occurred to me to hide that fact either, but it just never seemed important if people knew or didn't know that part about me.  I was never ashamed of it, but it was never really a factor in my life.

I'm at such a different point right now than I was a few months ago.  I am feeling more and more like everything in my life has happened for a reason.  Being married to a person who is transgender helped me discover my own honesty.  Not that I am not an honest person, I am, but I always shoved all my needs and feelings aside, believing it made me weak to feel...well, anything for myself.

My sister, the one who is closest to me, took me to see the movie "Frozen" a few weeks ago.  It had been an emotional time for me in the first place because it was the night after we went out for the first time in public.  We had a great time, so I wasn't emotional in a bad way, just...raw.  My sister is an emotional creature and always has been.  I was always the cautious and worried one.   So, when we watched the movie, I bawled pretty much the whole time.  Again, not in a bad way, just finally letting myself feel my own emotions...which is what the whole movie is basically about.  The characters in the movie were so close to what my sister and I were when we were younger and it just fit the situation I'm in so perfectly.  I couldn't be more grateful to have someone in my life who understands me to my inner core.  ***Spoiler alert for the movie***  The best part of the whole movie for me was that the act of true love that saves the life in jeapordy was not the love of a man, it was the love of a sister.  No matter what I have been through in my life, my sisters have been the ones I have never doubted for a second.  We may argue, get angry, disagree with each others' decisions, but we will be there for each other no matter what.  I have never trusted any other relationship like that.

I'm starting to trust people again.  Maybe it isn't so much trusting others as trusting myself.  Trusting that it's okay to feel, it's okay to need other people and it's okay to face the loss of people.  I am realizing that it is more important to live in the moment and not be so hung up on all the things that might happen, because that is all unknown.  I've lived a lot of my life trying to prepare for any scenario when in reality, I couldn't predict anything anyway.  I just have to trust that I can handle whatever comes my way.

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