When I came to the realization that my husband probably needs to live as a woman, there were a lot of feelings involved. Unlike so many of the women I read about who are dealing with similar issues, I knew before I had a serious relationship with this man that he felt this way. It was presented to me in all honesty, that he enjoyed dressing as a woman. He was not sure whether or not it was something that he could do just once in awhile, if it was just a fetish or if it was something that might eventually go deeper than that. I am incredibly lucky to have fallen in love with a person who was brave enough to face me head on with such a confusing issue. I had a choice right from the beginning and because I felt I had found my soul mate, I was willing to deal with whatever might happen. That was over 10 years ago and we have had a happy marriage so far.
Recently, after years of tension around the subject of sexuality, we were having a discussion where I realized that he was not being true to himself (or herself). He was always trying to push down those feelings, angry that he couldn't be more of "a man" for me and it was causing deep frustration for the both of us. We had one of the only arguments we have ever had and it dawned on me what might really be going on inside him. She needed to come out. All of a sudden, after a long day of emotional turmoil in my head and nearly having a panic attack, something either clicked or snapped in me that made the idea of such a change was now okay. What resonated most loudly at that moment to me was the fact that I truly love this person. I couldn't stand to see the inner suffering and honestly want whatever will allow my spouse true happiness. Whatever that means was somehow okay. We knew it wouldn't be easy, but we both owe it to ourselves and each other to explore what this means and what it might look like.
There were so many emotions on both of our parts that I had to find some kind of outlet. I began looking for blogs about this and didn't find a lot out there written by the spouse of someone dealing with gender issues. I did find a few, and one in particular, that really helped me know that the things I was feeling were natural and that there are other people out there...I was not alone. I began writing down my feelings, anxieties, hopes, fears and started really looking myself in the mirror. We began talking again, and in a new way. We have basically begun a new relationship and as strange as it sounds, it is the one I always wanted. To be in love with my soul mate. I just never expected that it might actually be with a woman.
So, that is why I want to do this. If I can be a help to anyone out there who is suffering or feeling lonely in what is a pretty unique situation, I would love to give that to the world. My feelings and thoughts are just my opinions and everyone has their own personal views, but simply knowing that you aren't alone out there can help. It is also a way for me to get to know myself better. Writing these things down has already given me a way to put things in perspective and not get overwhelmed by the roller coaster of thoughts bouncing around in my head. I have come to a place where I find hope in this new journey, not just for my spouse, but for myself. I have begun to discover parts of me that have been buried for a long time.
Thank you for sharing.
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