I asked the question mainly out of curiosity. I enjoy thinking about the human psyche. What does any person do once they have obtained a goal they have been so focused on for so many years? What I imagined in my head was that finally getting something which has been a lifelong goal would somehow feel strangely empty. I'm not sure why exactly I think that. I suppose I have never had such a strong longing to achieve something, so couldn't imagine what you do after that.
This is a strange point to be at with the transition. There aren't any other really big milestones to reach besides the actual surgery now. Surgery can't happen for quite awhile anyhow because of the guidelines about how long she needs to be living "full time" as a woman and saving up for the amount we would need to pay out of pocket for it. Insurance covers a large portion, but it's not a cheap surgery. So, now we wait.
At the time I asked the "Now what?" quesiton, I thought I was simply asking about how she felt about it. I realize now that I was asking myself the same question. So much of the past year and a half of my life has been spent thinking about all the implications of how every part of the transition will affect each of us as individuals and how it will impact the relationship. So much of the focus has been on her that sometimes I forget to think about myself. More accurately, maybe I don't want to think about myself.
It's hard for me to think about the waiting period until surgery, but it's also more difficult to imagine afterward. Once there is no other milestone to focus on, how do I set new goals? How do we figure out new goals as a couple? It's foreign to me to think about just living a day to day life without some kind of drama, something to worry about, something to be excited about, something to fear...something that keeps me moving forward.
I have tried to do some small things for myself, like being more creative with my artwork in my spare time or write about my feelings, but I haven't really set any goals for myself or have been able to even think about life after the surgery. I keep telling myself that I will start working on getting better at healthy coping skills, exercise, spend more time with friends and family, and stop focusing so much on my spouse. It's really difficult not to focus on her because she is going through so much and having these wonderful realizations and milestones. It feels really important that I support her during this period and not add my own frustrations, fears or needs into the mix. Yes, I know that is classic co-dependent behavior...I'm working on it.
Maybe that is the difference between people who suffer from depression/anxiety and people who don't. Perhaps those of us who have the combination of depression and anxiety need a reason why we feel the (sometimes) ridiculous things we do. Without a reason, that means we have to deal with the fact that it isn't necessarily our situation that is causing the feelings. It's also possible that we choose difficult situations subconsciously to distract us from the chaos in our own minds. That could be easier than admitting that the irrational thoughts and feelings could be an actual imbalance in the brain. I'm not sure why it's so hard to admit the brain might simply be mis-wired.
I have (literally just now) had the realization of what the uncomfortable part of where my spouse's transition is. Now that she has reached her personal goal, I am going to have to start being accountable for my own feelings. I can't place any focus or blame on my own feelings toward her. She's quite happy. I need to get on board with this "happy" thing or do something about my own issues. Some of the focus within our marriage might be pointed in my direciton. Well...shit...
I've said it before, but I do think I was meant to be with my spouse for a reason. As much as people think I'm "strong" or "brave" or whatever for supporting my spouse, I have learned equally as much about myself by being a part of it. I need her just as much, if not more, than she needs me for support. We're lucky to have each other and I hope everyone can find the mutual understanding and love we have for one another. No matter what happens in the future, I will always cherish everything I have learned from being with her. Her courage inspires me and gives me hope that maybe I can figure out what my true bliss is too.
