Appreciation of Friends and Family

There have been a few experiences lately that have really given me a deep appreciation of the people around me.  I didn't realize how withdrawn I had become in the past few years (okay...many many years)  as far as allowing myself to feel connected to people or allowing them to connect to me.

Something about me, or my past experiences maybe, made me mistrust pretty much everyone.  It always seemed like every time I finally let someone in and trusted them, it backfired and I got hurt.  That, or when I allowed myself to really bond with someone, they left or I had to leave.  I just stopped trusting that anything could be real or last in any type of relationship or friendship.  I was always just waiting for whatever bad thing would come next.  I couldn't just enjoy myself or feel the happiness of having connections with other people.  It was always more comfortable to keep people at a distance.  There is no risk of getting hurt that way.  I really enjoy and am fascinated by people, but didn't want to get close.

My views are changing about what weakness and strength actually is.  I thought strength meant being able to handle situations and emotions without the help of others.  I'm realizing now, it takes much more strength to let people in and allow others to help you cope with anything you are dealing with.  Strength isn't holding everything in, it is allowing your true self to come out.  It isn't a weakness to feel fear, doubt, or sadness.  The strength lies in allowing yourself to feel, not blocking negativity out, but then figure out how to move on and grow from your negative experiences.

I didn't realize how many people I have in my life that I really could count on. If I hadn't had to face the issue of my spouse being a transsexual woman, I don't know that I would have really been able to look that deeply at my own issues and allow others "in" to help support me.  This situation has allowed me to be more open and honest with people than I think I have ever been.

I have a newfound appreciation of all the people in my life.  I realize how much happier I could be (and am starting to be) if I let myself be vulnerable enough to bond with people.  Sure, I might lose them eventually, but the time spent enjoying the company of others far outweighs the sadness that might come with getting close to someone.

I want to thank all of my family and friends for being so wonderfully supportive.  You know who you are... :)  I know I don't express my gratitude enough, or I might make light of the situation and joke around about my feelings, but I really do appreciate each and every one of you.  My old friends and new, immediate family and extended family.  I feel such deep gratitude, maybe more than you could ever know.  I have found so much strength and happiness because of my incredible support system and can't wait to get to an even better place within myself to fully live my life.  It's not a fast process, so I thank you all for being patient with my progress, as well as my spouse's progress.  I know that with all of you behind me, I will be okay no matter what happens in my life.  I love you all.

And then there is my spouse.  I can't describe how much we have bonded and how much she has helped me begin to find myself, even while going through all of the changes she has been facing.  I know this is my soulmate because we both only want what is best for each other to find true happiness and peace.  I am so greatful that we have each other and we have both come to a point of personal growth as well as supporting each others' growth.  I have never felt such a deep love like this and am amazed every day how far we've come and how happy I could be in a relationship.

Life can be wonderful when you start to let go and enjoy the good things that come your way.

Change is a comin'

I haven't posted in awhile, but we've been busy...

My spouse saw the doctor a few weeks ago to get her started on hormone replacement therapy.  So far, it is just testosterone blockers.  It was an anxious but wonderful experience.  Anxious for both of us whether or not any type of hormone therapy would actually start or not.  Once it was determined that she could begin the hormone therapy, it was a huge relief for both of us.

I feel like I am coping with this very well, but there are some concerns I have.  I feel like a person with multiple personalities at times...happy/excited/scared...all at once.  I am excited for my spouse to get to feel any changes that might come from getting to experience female hormones.  The smoothing of the skin, the lowering of testosterone, the changes that will happen in the body.  What a wonderful thing for her to get to feel the way she has always felt!

I am nervous about these changes too.  Ugh...female hormone swings.  I know those well and I'm not sure how my spouse will deal with the inexplicable feelings.  "Why are you crying?"  "I don't know!" Those kind of things.  Dealing with female hormones is no picnic and I just dread having to deal with someone going through that for the first time and not being able to console them.  It's kind of an inconsolable thing.  It's so personal for each woman that I don't know how it will feel for her and I'm afraid I will either be too dismissive of it or too sensitive to it that I won't be the type of comfort she needs.

It sounds weird, but I'm looking forward to her having her own girlfriends to vent to in these new times coming up.   I was jealous at the thought at first, but now am really looking forward to her having other bonds with women who aren't related to me or friends with me too.  She needs her own people to vent to and bond with in the way all of us women do.  I genuinely trust her and our relationship and have let go of the notion that I should be the only one she can emotionally bond with.  That was difficult.  I have never been able to do that before with any other person I have had a romantic relationship with.

The strangest thing for me now is that I feel so calm about everything and really feel like I have come to terms with what our new future will be.  I am allowing myself to enjoy the moments, feel the love around me and express myself.  I'm feeling hopeful again and more in love every day with my spouse.  I'm ready to be engaged in life again, not just "deal" with life as it comes.