For the past few days I have felt some kind of overall sadness that I couldn't put my finger on. It didn't have anything to do with the changes in my life, work, financial stresses or anything else. I have just felt...heaviness in my heart and couldn't explain it.
This morning I had the realization that it was this time of year (4 years ago now) when my father had gotten really sick and we knew that it was the end of hope and that we had to accept that he was really going to die. It was the hardest thing I ever went through in my life. Watching the man we all looked up to as our pillar of strength, our comfort, our protector just wither away and not be able to even eat anymore was just agonizing.
I normally dwell on the feelings surrounding his death and what impact that had on me. While those are important feelings to deal with, I feel like I have analyzed that to death and this year I want to try something different. I want to start remembering the good things and not focus on the hurt I felt from losing him.
My dad was usually a pretty even-keeled person who made me feel like things would be okay, no matter what. Any situation that seemed really difficult, too emotional or extremely stressful, he would just have to say, "Everything is going to be okay." I always believed him. He was right. There is nothing in this world that gave me more comfort than to just sit and hold his hand. He calmed me when I needed it the most. He was calming, but he also had a fun side.
My dad had one of the most infectious laughs that was full of life. When he found something really funny, he would laugh until he cried. You couldn't help but laugh too. He loved intelligent humor, which I really appreciate as well. People like Steven Wright, Bill Cosby, George Carlin and Ricky Gervais just to name a few. That was one of the areas he and I really connected is with humor and comedians.
My dad was a goof-ball. He lit up around children because he liked to be goofy. He could let go of his need to prove himself and just gave in to the fun of being silly. One of his favorite silly games with kids was sticking his tongue out and have us pull on one ear, then would move his tongue to that side, then the other ear would make it move to the other side. Pushing his nose was how you got the tongue to stick out and pushing his chin made it go back in his mouth. Sounds stupid, but no matter what he was doing, if we pushed his nose...the games began. :)
He liked to make up stories for my younger sister and I at bedtime and they were fantastical stories about a giant named Hugo that lived in a town called Tiny Town. The stories always included fun things, but also usually had some kind of moral about not judging others because they are different and that everyone has something unique to offer the world.
My dad loved music. I never appreciated how much he really liked music and wish I would have connected with him a little more on that level, but thinking back on it, there was always that part of him that loved music. He loved the Beach Boys and would sing with such joy and enthusiasm to their music. He loved harmonies and beautiful melodies. In his youth, I think he had dreams of becoming a singer and briefly was in a band. He could also whistle through his teeth, which always amazed me. I still don't know how he did that.
I'm not a poet, but going to give something a shot:
The pillar of strength
Appears to hold the weight of a structure
Yet in time, all things must
Serve their purpose and eventually turn to dust.
It appears to be on the verge
Of crumbling forever into oblivion
The pillar weakens and breaks
Oh how that structure gets rattled and shakes.
Ah, but we forget
The other parts of that structure
They are also strong
Each exactly where they belong.
One loss doesn't have to destroy
If we each remember to help carry part of that weight.
Individual parts united allow no defeat
They make the others stronger and more complete.
Thank you dad for everything you gave to our family. Thank you for loving me unconditionally and letting me know how proud you were of all of your daughters. Thank you for letting me know that no matter what happens in my life, everything is going to be okay. I miss you and I love you. I will carry you with me in my heart forever.
Just thinking about the wonderful gifts he gave to our family is lifting my spirits. I feel like I am finally healing from having the regrets or the sorrow I have felt for the past few years.
