I spend a lot of time worrying, I always have. My mother told me when I was five years old that I'd have an ulcer by 16, if that tells you anything. Being married to a transgender person evokes a whole lot of worry but has also taught me a lot about myself and that I need to learn how to cope with my anxieties better. How? I'm still figuring that out, I'm sure it will be a life long journey for me.
I wanted to write this before tonight because I want to capture my actual feelings, not what I think I was feeling at the time. We might be coming out to my spouse's family this weekend that he is transgender and really a she. It is the plan, but there is the possibility that it isn't the right time according to my spouse. When is there a right time though? I don't know that there ever really is a right time to share something that is such a huge change in both the person and the relationship. This is not my family and I'm not the one actually transitioning, so I need to try and be sensitive to that and let her take the lead. When it comes time to tell my family, I will most likely take the lead on how and when to tell them.
It feels to me right now like we're about to punch everyone right in the gut without letting them brace themselves. It's actually supposed to be a fun weekend but I feel like it's going to all be spoiled by this and all we will be doing is dealing with emotions all weekend. Ugh, emotions...my favorite thing. :)
I wanted to try an exercise just getting out all the things I'm thinking.
Fears:
I am afraid my spouse's feelings are going to be hurt by poor reactions. I that she will blame herself for causing her family stress, grief, or anger. I am afraid that I will have to watch her be in agony, stressed out and emotional. I am afraid she will become angry and defensive. I am afraid that her family will look at me with pity. I am afraid that I will be emotional and have to let down my carefully constructed walls. I am afraid that I will have to be the strong one while everyone around me will be a wreck. I am afraid for her family and how this is going to impact them emotionally. I am afraid of them rejecting us. I am afraid they will blame themselves.
Hopes:
I hope we are both strong enough to actually go through with telling them. I hope I don't retreat into my emotional cave and not let anything in or out. I hope my spouse will feel better about being herself and being honest about who she is. I hope they will listen and be loving and accepting of her. I hope they believe the things we tell them. I hope we can still have fun with them the way we normally do. I hope this will actually create stronger bonds.
I always try and anticipate every situation so I can be prepared for my reaction to it. That is unrealistic and part of my problem with anxiety. It does no good to visualize every scenario, I won't know how I will react until something happens. I can't sit and worry about the what ifs all the time. That is what keeps me up at night or doesn't let me go back to sleep. Lack of sleep only makes things worse. I get more sensitive to any emotion and much more reactionary. I'm just glad I got at least 6 hours of sleep last night. I can funciton on that. A few nights this week was only 3 or 4 hours and that was just no good at all.
On a positive note, we have told a few more people and still have not had to experience any really negative reactions. I am feeling more and more confident about the relationships we have with our friends. As much as I am worrying about how this weekend is going to go, I am so grateful that we have people we can talk to and who are there for us. There are a few people who have really been so wonderful and I really trust them. That is very difficult for me, to trust others.
I am going to try and focus on the positives as much as possible today. My marriage has never been better. We are communicating more than we ever have about everything, which can be exhausting at times, but is also quite necessary. Our bond has strengthened and as much as I realize that most marriages do not survive after a transition, I know that we will be a part of each others' lives forever. What that will look like in the future is unknown, but I am going to focus on the present and be in the moment.
